Rainy Journey 23

[sanmagic7]

rainy, yikes, indeed!  your strength is showing thru your words, and it is mighty. 

hold on at work, ok?  so glad you may have made a new friend there.  that could really help the entire situation.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your support San.
.........
Today was an incredibly lonely day.

Even interactions with students did not bring me the joy it usually does.

I feel like I need a big huge cry and it won't come. 

Hoping to take it easy this evening.

[Blueberry]

  rainy. I hope you do indeed manage at least some time of taking it easy this evening. Thinking of you.

I used to be able to trigger my own crying in grief if it was very near the surface as yours maybe is? Like read something else that's genuinely sad. Even a book I know more or less cover to cover where the protagonist's pet dies or something - it would be enough to set me off and then my crying would be about me, not the book. Idk whether that could work for you. If not beneficial, ignore.

[Snowdrop]

Hugs, Rainy 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate that suggestion.  I was able to cry a bit last night but not a big, teary, wailing cry I am hoping for.  I think the challenge is I don't feel like I have sufficient privacy in my apartment.  I hope to carve out some space where I can feel truly in solitude.
.....
Snowdrop, I appreciate the care.
.........
I am feeling worn down right now and worried I am getting sick.  Several kids with runny noses today and I was near someone in a meeting earlier this week whose nose was running.   

I am not sure what to say right now as I am feeling some frustration and anger toward my husband right.  I can't exactly articulate why other than I feel myself wanting to caretake him and it is making me mad.  Maybe I'm also mad at myself.

Although yesterday was lonely, I did something I realized could be helpful in the future.  I have been dreading calling a parent to have a conversation with them about their student.  I have a good relationship with the student's teacher, so I asked her if we could call the parent together.  She said yes, so we have a plan to do that tomorrow. 

I also offered to do a presentation for my colleagues based on a course I am taking about AAC (augmentative and alternative communication).  My boss asked if I would be ready for our February meeting and I said yes.  But as I've been taking the course, I realized it is a lot longer than I was expecting, so I decided to ask her if I could let her know next week if I won't be ready.  She said yes and that I can present later. 

Finding these small ways to advocate for myself is feeling helpful. 

Yesterday I posted on Facebook that it had felt like a lonely day.  Someone I used to work with like 8 years ago sent me a private message to say she is worried about me and to ask if she could help.  I suppose it was nice of her, but it also made me mad because I don't need help for the reasons I believe she is assuming.  She also wasn't that nice to me when I did work with her so it is weird to have her reach out in this way. 

I really hope I am not sick............

[sanmagic7]

i hope you're not sick either, rainy.  i know there is so much crapola going around, it can be difficult to stay well in a school setting.

glad to hear you got support about your presentation.  sounds interesting, actually.  i'm all about how people are and what can be done to help them get to where they want to be.

sending love and a hug filled w/ healthy energy for you.   

[rainydiary]

Thank you, San.  Still ok but also don't feel exactly 100%.  Hopefully a long weekend will help.
.........
I am feeling low about myself before bed tonight.

I lost my cool at work today at the very start of the work day.  Someone shared information with me and it set me off because she would not listen to me.  She is a nosy, busybody.  She probably felt like I wasn't listening to her too. 

That really made my whole day feel off.  My inner critic is really loud right now and has been all day.  There were a lot of other interactions that I would rather not have had today too.

I did try to share my concerns with others.  I am learning which will gaslight me, which will assume their experience is transferable to mine, and those that will try to help in a way I find supportive. 

I still don't feel great at home.  I feel foolish and ashamed for my choices.  I am questioning why I chose to stay in a relationship that was challenging from the start and what it says about me. 

I hope sleep will help.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy,
I hope that you are able to get a restful sleep and that it helps you, because I see you've got a lot going on at work and also at home - and I wanted to send you a supportive hug  and hope that the weekend will bring some chance to recuperate from everything in the week.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

 

[CactusFlower]

 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the care Hope, Not Alone and CF. 
..........
Today has been a good day overall. 

I have moments of feeling more confident in my voice and then today I had the thought, "Who am I to speak about this?"

Today I reached out with a question to a FB group I am in.  People shared helpful responses but I also remember why I tend to be careful what I post to strangers in such a public forum - they make assumptions and I feel bad for what I said and wish I hadn't asked.  Nothing was too out of line, I just feel vulnerable and critiqued and that feels a bit triggering.

I am getting to a place where I'm not sure I want to keep running as much.  I live closer to the ocean and would love to try kayaking.  There is a course that starts up after my half marathon.  We'll see if I take the chance.  The tricky part is the equipment required - if I genuinely can rent the equipment to try out before investing in it, then perhaps I will do it.  If not, I may need to wait. 

I am still feeling low and tough on myself however this is a long weekend so hopefully tomorrow I can relax some.

[rainydiary]

Today felt like a good day.  My husband and I went for a hike in a place new to us and it was nice to get out. 

I started reading a book called Unmasking Autism by Devon Price.  At the end of the introduction is the following prompt which I am going to work on at some point....but it is also very difficult so I think it will take a while.  After completing the prompt, there are more questions which I think are supposed to help one identify their values but right now I am stuck on this part.

The prompt:

Think of five moments in your life when you felt like you were FULLY ALIVE.  Try to find moments from throughout your life (childhood, adolescence, adulthood; school, work, vacation, hobbies).  Some of the moments may leave you with a sense of awe and wonder.  Some moments might leave you feeling deeply recharged and ready to face the next challenge, or satisfied and fulfilled.  Write down each of these moments.  Tell the story of each moment in as much detail as possible.  Try to think specifically about why the moment struck you with so dramatically.

[Bach]

That's a scary prompt, rainy! I think it could be a good thing to write out but also very challenging. I can understand why you're stuck on it.

That book looks interesting.

[rainydiary]

Bach, it is scary.  I can come up with 2 but 5........it feels like I am stretching.  I haven't taken the step to describe them yet.  I think it might be ok to not have 5 - no one will know.

So far the book has been helpful to read.  I do find specific language from the psychology field difficult and I get triggered by it.  But I am trying to take in the meaning overall. 
.........
I am so exhausted right now.  Woke up way to early and couldn't get back to sleep.  Acknowledged to myself that I no longer want to train for the half marathon I signed up for.  The training is not feeling good, I am not having fun, and my body is simply saying "just stop."  So I decided today I am not going to push myself on that.  I would like to explore other ways to move my body that don't involve running.  Plus I have some blisters that would have kept me from running this week anyhow. 

Back to work today and it was relatively fine but it is still deeply draining.  I am going to try to rework my schedule at my main school to see if I can feel less overwhelmed.  It seems like even the "slow" days are still so hard. 

At home right now and feeling lonely.  My husband is so silent at times and I find it hurtful at times that I want connection with him.  I wouldn't say that it's new, but I experience it differently now than I did in the past.  Silence from him is also triggering.  While I think we have come a long way, times like these where he has expressed emotional turmoil have often accompanied deeply distressing times in our relationship.  I am hoping this time will follow a different path but I am still so worried.  I think I am also still trying to do work that he needs to do for himself because I am afraid.

I hope to feel better as the week goes.

[sanmagic7]

i hope you feel better, too, rainy.

i've known that 'alone' feeling while living w/ someone.  it's very sad to me and i wish you didn't have to go thru it.

and, congrats on listening to your body!    way to self care.  kayaking sounds fun - i hope it's something you can eventually enjoy.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs