Rainy Journey 23

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i feel bad for you having to work beside that colleague.  it sucks.  as i read this, i harkened back to the eval you were given, and i hope you can always remember those words.  they speak so loudly about how important your work dynamic is, that you know what you're doing, and that you bring something to the table no one else brings.  you're such a valuable employee, and of great value to the kids you interact w/.  however, i'm glad you now have less than 2 weeks to go.

that hot tub sounds like quite the project.  i hope you can enjoy it for a long, long time.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - I am trying to hold on to the feeling that evaluation gave me.  It is difficult right now.  I had another meeting this morning with that coworker and it set my day off on the wrong path and I haven't really recovered.
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My body is physically worn out. 

I am waiting for a meeting I have no desire to do.  I hope that the teacher won't make rude comments to me, but she almost always does.  I think my plan will be to say as little to her as possible and not give many openings for her comments. 

I am really wanting to know what my school assignment will be next year.  I checked when they told us last year and it was on almost the last day of school.  I want to know for my own sake as well as to let some of my students know.  A few have asked and I want to be able to tell them so that they know what to expect when they return in the fall. 

I had a meeting this morning that will be rescheduled because the parent did not come.  Based on what the teacher said, this parent may not ever show and so we need to be more proactive.  I am so frustrated that it got rescheduled because I was expecting today to be my last day with meetings.  And the frustrating, possible narcissist colleague of mine is in charge of planning it.  I sort of feel like she lets things fall through to give herself more time to get things done without recognizing that people worked really hard to be prepared for today and we should have honored our time.

[sanmagic7]

well, rainy, those narcs don't think of others and the value of their energy/time/prep, do they?  i can't wait for you to be able to get out from under her.  horrid.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - I am hoping to have distance from this person next school year.   
.........
This morning my husband told me he isn't doing well.  I had been wondering if he was masking his struggles as we closed on the house and moved.   I feel a lot when he tells me things like this.

I feel stuck because it feels like he has no resources for managing his feelings.  He's never really had to because his family is enmeshed and they all sort of manage things together in a weird, boundaryless way.

I feel strong because I see that this is not my fault and I feel for the first time that I am separate from him and will be ok no matter what happens.  I don't know what will happen but if for some reason our paths don't continue together, I will face financial changes that scare me.  There is no way I would be able to stay in the house we just bought for instance.

I feel unsettled and not sure how I can handle this.  I am trying, but there is only so much I can do.  He has to figure out for himself what he wants and I can't do that for him.

It's hard enough to come to work and having this nebulous worry about him and us and our life is complicated. 

What I do know is that I am done running.  I finally feel settled in myself and in my life.  That doesn't mean I have everything figured out, but I am facing myself and whatever comes my way differently.  He has to sort out what he wants.  I do too and then we need to decide if that continues to be something we do together.

[rainydiary]

I need to acknowledge that the conversation with my husband this morning sent me into an EF.

I haven't been able to feel settled and am having a lot of feelings in my body.

[Bach]

Sending thoughts and support, rainy 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support, Bach.
.........
My husband and I checked in last night and I definitely went down a line of thinking and feeling that didn't match what he was saying. 

I am waiting for a meeting that I haven't been to in 2 weeks.  I don't even know if it is happening and I really don't want to be here.  I feel awkward and like people judge me.

I hope this day passes smoothly.

[sanmagic7]

i hope the day passes smoothly for you too, rainy. 

i can feel your strength, and glad you are able to feel your 'you-ness' as a separate entity from your husband.  i'm here to support you no matter which way it goes.  i'm on your side.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

I hear that your H's words has impacted you. Reality is that what he does and thinks affects you. You are developing strong boundaries. I know it's hard, but good for you.

[rainydiary]

San and Not Alone, I appreciate your validation and support.  I am feeling all messed up in relationships right now and will reflect more.
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Sometimes it is really helpful to get input from other autistic people on my experience.  I do that currently on Facebook.  This isn't necessarily an ideal place for this, but for now it is the best I can do.

Sometimes it helps, but often there is one person that will comment and their comment leaves me feeling like I badly messed up.  This happened today so not only am I upset about the situation I posted about, I'm also upset about comments made by strangers.

The situation I shared in the FB group is with my speech therapist colleague at my other school.  Our relationship has really deteriorated and it has become painfully uncomfortable.

She will not speak to me unless I speak to her and her demeanor toward me is cold.  It is very triggering for me.  I am reflecting if I gave her silent treatment or acted cold towards her.  Perhaps and sometimes I know we get so triggered we can't communicate the way we normally would. 

I did try to talk to her about things before and things got worse after that.  Perhaps I was too "honest" in that conversation.  I do tend to say how I really feel.  I think the relationship we had warranted the level of honesty.  I am giving myself a hard time in that perhaps I could have communicated with her sooner and differently about our shared caseload. 

My perspective is that I have tried with her.  Every time she commented about how much work she has, I asked if there was anything I could do.  She would always say she had it. 

Because our relationship seemed good at the beginning of the year, I was very open with her about a lot of things.  Over time I've learned that she is someone that likes to collect information as a way to feel in control.

I would say she generally feels out of control right now.  I don't think all of that is about me, but it's hard for me to tell right now what to do. 

I think I will try to speak to my supervisor generally about the situation.  If I have to continue to work with this person, we will need to have a conversation to figure out how to make that work.

I am willing to own mistakes I've made and think this will teach me about my communication style.  I'm also tired of all the games we play in life of how we're supposed to act at work and how we're supposed to treat people that don't treat us well. 

I am seeing how I bottle things up still and put up with a lot until it gets out of control.  Then when I try to stand up for myself, the person/people that previously had a lot of power gets upset with me.

But now all I feel like is I've deflated this person.  Even though she has been mean and unkind in ways that are hard to prove to others, she holds more power than I do in our district.  I want to make things better but don't know how.  I also don't want to own what isn't mine.  I also want to acknowledge missteps I've taken and learn from them.  I suppose I can do that without her. 

[rainydiary]

I am feeling tired and sad.

My husband and I spoke more this morning.  He shared he is feeling lonely and isolated.  He has worked from home for 8 years.  I hope he considers finding a job where we live where he can get out more.

I am feeling the urge to take action for my husband but I can't help him get out more if that is what he wants.  I do feel like I might be misinterpreting him based on past experiences and not seeing/hearing what he is currently going through unfiltered. 

Today I spoke with my supervisor.  She was supportive and shared that she will be giving me a new assignment for next school year.  It means I will hopefully be getting away from the difficult personality dynamics I am struggling with.  It also means I will be leaving a school that I feel like I have built strong relationships in. 

That news made me really sad because I have several students that have asked if I will be back and I know it's important to them that they have consistency.  I shared the news with people that can provide support to those students and know in the long run they will build relationship with someone else.  But it makes me feel like I don't matter, I am just a body being assigned around to suit people that don't understand how important connection is for kids.

I am going to dinner later with some people I work with.  I don't want to, especially given the conversation with my husband this morning and with my workday.  But I think going will be important.  I feel guilty leaving my husband on his own.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, if i may, the idea of leaving your H on his own when he feels isolated is not your responsibility.  you can only do so much for someone before it's time for them to take their own situation in hand and find a solution that suits them. 

i relate to the feeling of leaving the connections behind that you have built w/ students.  it's hard.  had to go thru that myself.  the fact that they wanted you back next year shows how important you are and what a difference you've made in their lives.  you are valued.  they will take your goodness with them as they move on in their lives.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you, San, I appreciate the support.  I agree it isn't my job to take care of my husband's loneliness.  I will say he didn't put any pressure of any kind on me to not hang out with my work friends.  I just want him to be ok and feel powerless.  I have more to share about work today.
.........
This morning after speaking with my boss, I sent emails to key people including the principal to let them know the news.  I was mostly worried about how certain students would take the news and wanted them to know for support.

This afternoon I was in the office and the principal said he was unhappy to hear the news I wouldn't be back.  He said he was going to advocate for me to remain at the school.  I had several teachers tell me they had planned to talk to the principal to see if there was anything he could do about me staying.

This filled my heart.  I am wanted by a place and most people in it.  I don't hold out hope that my boss will change her mind, but it was good to hear and have this to carry with me.

One of the students I was worried about came into my office to co-regulate.  I could not help it and started crying.  He said "Miss Rainy, what's wrong?"  I told him the news that I might not be back.  I do feel a little worried that I triggered him because his home life is not good and I think he has  to spend a lot of time taking care of adults feelings.  But I hope that he at least knows I care about him and we will both be ok regardless of what happens.

[Bach]

I'm glad you had that support and validation from the principals and teacher, rainy.  That's very special.   

[Armee]

 

It says so much that the principal is going to fight for you.

I think it's OK that you cried. There is a difference between seeing someone express their emotions when that person is able to soothe their own feelings (you) compared to someone expecting a child to soothe those emotions (whatever is happening at home). Your expression was showing your sadness and that's all. No expectation that he fix it and no manipulation. Just honest feeling. I think that's a good thing. It teaches him he can experience other people having emotions and not have to feel guilty or like he has to fix them.