Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

Bach, thank you.
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Armee, I appreciate the reflection.  The student and I already spent time together and I can tell my news is on his mind. 
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I am exhausted and drained today.

The day started with my husband saying he doesn't like our new house. 

He said he doesn't like the layout.  I agree that the layout is weird...but so is the layout of the townhouse we used to own.  So is the layout of most things. 

I am trying to take whatever this time is in stride.  The changes of late have been landing hard on both of us.  It's going to be a long time before the dust settles.  But I am so tired of him poking holes in everything.

I am still sad about my work situation.  I checked in with the principal this morning and he said the response he got was basically "that's nice that you like Rainy but the district needs to allocate resources differently."

The idea of being a "resource" that needs to be "allocated" does not sit well with me.  I don't think the world has to work like this and I feel contradiction in the way the district pretends they want things to be and in how they actually treat people. 

I did send a follow up email to express my preference to my supervisor.  I sort of regret sending it because it is uncomfortable and I know deep down she is still going to do what she wants regardless of how I feel or what my preferences are.

That hurts and I wish it didn't.  I feel deeply unmotivated now.  It's like it doesn't matter what I do and advocating myself ends with "thanks for being flexible when others won't be flexible so we need to make you be flexible because you are newer." 

My husband and I are going on a trip this weekend.  I am looking forward to it and think he is too.  I hope it will be a step toward things trending upward. 

[Moondance]

Wishing your weekend trends upwards as well.

Also I hope that something happens at work that will keep you there because that is what you desire. 
 
  if okay

[sanmagic7]

i hope the trip for the two of you has healing qualities to it, rainy.  some sort of soothing balm.

unfortunately, corporate, higher-ups, whoever's running the show seem to have to keep us lowly workers at an arm's distance by using non-human terms for us.  we're not seen by them as people - that way they can move us around the board whichever way they please w/o compunction about what it does to us or how it makes us feel.  it's very sad, very frustrating.  i feel for you.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you Moondance. I appreciate the care. 
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San, I appreciate the support.  I'll reflect more on my work situation below but it is still sitting heavy with me.
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The first day of our trip has been great.  We visited a cave made by lava flow.  The hike through the cave was so much harder than expected but we did it.

A previous version of myself would have had a meltdown given how hard and frustrating that hike was.  But I was able to take care and be as present as I could.

I also didn't carry as much anxiety into this trip as I have in the past.  I am having anxious thoughts that our house will catch on fire because of a heated bed I bought my cat and forgot to unplug.  But other than that, I am handling the trip ok.

I am still upset about work.  It is rare for me to find a place I feel valued and wanted.  It hurts that this matters not at all.  I recognize that I value and see my role and work very differently from my boss which is a conflict I'll never resolve. 

It is impossible for me to get my boss to see how deep my social struggles are and that the thought of starting from scratch again in building relationships to do my work is more than I can bear right now.  I'm not asking this because of ego but because the relationships I worked hard to build should continue.

I know I won't get my way.  And that makes me deeply angry.  It touches on the vast amount of loss I've experienced and I don't feel like I can bear it.  I'm sure I will and I know I will do my best with whatever I am given.  But I am so tired of being pushed around.

[rainydiary]

Our trip was great.  Today we took it easy and enjoyed a picnic with a lovely view.

Tomorrow is my last Monday of the school year.

I am dreading showing up.  I don't want to have another conversation with my boss.  I also don't want to deal with leaving the students.

[Moondance]

  and care Rainydiary

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support Moondance.
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I am feeling deeply uneasy.

I cried last night at the thought of this week. 

I am recognizing that this experience of being asked to leave a school I asked to stay at is waking up very old, deep feelings.

Growing up in a military family I experienced numerous times to leave friends and a place before I was ready. 

I am still upset with my boss and at the situation but I also think my reaction is an EF.

I am also struggling because my husband continues to pour out how he regrets the decision we made to buy our house.  I would say we had a miscommunication about expectations.  We also have lived here for 2 weeks and are not settled.  We don't have to live here forever.  But also geez.

Right now the only way is forward.  Trying to enjoy my cat being here on my lap and playing my video game before I need to get the day started.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy,
Sending you a hug     I relate to what you're saying about those feelings.  I have also had many times when I've had to leave a place and people when I didn't feel ready to, and didn't want to go.  I think that EF's hold those very dark feelings, but I think it's good that you are recognising that you're experiencing an EF.

I hope it releases you soon, and that you enjoy the video game you're playing.  I also hope your day is a good one.
Hope 

[Moondance]

Hi Rainydiary,

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with your husbands unsettling feeling with the house purchase.  This adds to all the other stresses you are experiencing right now.

Sending you encouraging hugs and thoughts as you continue to hold your own in really difficult situations.  I admire you and that you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate your validation.  I don't know that I've really dealt with how hard it was for me to leave so many places growing up.  I'm trying to not run away from myself anymore and perhaps this will give me the chance to feel some things that need to be felt.
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Moondance, I appreciate the support.  I'm reflecting how thrown off I feel by my husband actually communicating with me.  It is challenging me and yet it is necessary.  Hopefully time and practice will help.
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My boss and I ended up having a conversation today.  She told me what my new school will be. 

Pros I will only be at one school and it is a bit closer to where I live. 

Cons I will have to leave a place I want to stay. 

I told one of the students I am worried about with the transition and he said "Maybe the next person will be funner than you."  He is young and was totally trying to put a positive spin on this news as I think it bothered him.

My stomach hurts and I am so sad. 

[Moondance]

Hi Rainydiary

Yes necessary but sometimes difficult to process. Perhaps that is me who would find it difficult.

I'm thankful you feel supported and validated.

[rainydiary]

I am currently sitting at work where the Internet is not working which makes it very pointless for me to be here.

My car also had a really bad flat tire this morning and I am grateful my husband and I both have a car.  I drove his car to work and he is going to take my car to have the tire fixed/changed.

I am using this day to just chill and think ahead a bit to the start of next school year so I can give my brain a break once I leave work on Friday.

[Moondance]

Thinking of you Rainydiary. 

 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support Moondance.
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I am sitting here with a stomachache thinking about my day.

My car tire could not be repaired so now we are trying to navigate getting a new tire.  We decided to order some new tires and then will take them to be installed.  The disruption in not having my car right now is annoying.  We are fortunate to have two vehicles but it is putting a strain on our transportation.

I don't want to go work today and face my second to last day at this school.  I hope the internet is working today because yesterday was ridiculous.

[Armee]

Geez indeed to H! I hope you both are able to settle in and feel comfortable in your new home. 2 weeks isn't very long, I hope it gets easier with time for H to be happy with the new home. I'm very sad to hear about the situation at the school you wanted to stay at. I hate situations where I feel like I don't have control.