Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

This morning I listed out what my needs are.  The list I made had three general groups - daily needs, occasional needs and long term hopes.

It was helpful to see how much I feel like I need on a daily basis and how hard it is to balance that especially when I am working.  And also how many of those needs are not expressed out loud by me.

I sent the list to my husband.  Some of what inspired this is that his mood is low today and it is really triggering me.  I think I am triggered because I have needs that are not being met and I am giving a lot of energy to trying to make him feel better (which I can't actually do).

I feel better for having created that list.

[Not Alone]

So, some self compassion is warranted - I have always done the best I could at the time.

A lot of self compassion is warranted.

[sanmagic7]

i echo notalone - lots of compassion is warranted.

rainy, i agree, healing can hurt, too.  things are getting shifted and realigned.  and i acknowledge the progress you're making by stepping out of your H's coping mechanisms.  well done.  all in all, you're showing a lot of progress here.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate the emphasis on self compassion.
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San, Thank you for the reflection and helping me see growth.
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Yesterday my husband and I took a walk by the waterfront and he ended up sharing what's going on.  I feel a lot of things for him speaking to me and I sincerely hope it is a sign that we are disrupting patterns. 

He spoke about this time feeling similar to a difficult patch we went through in 2013/2014.  It was difficult for me to hear him evoke that time and yet it also helped me understand why I've felt so triggered. 

As I reflect on that, one tremendous area of growth is that he is actually talking to me and his parents haven't showed up for a visit.  And another area of tremendous growth is that I didn't go into an EF when he said that.

In 2013/2014 when he was struggling, his parents (what felt to me) randomly showed up (he had of course complained to them and they decided "he needed them"). They stirred the pot, left, and things slowly and horribly imploded until I caved and did what my husband (and ultimately his parents) wanted which is return to his hometown (we had briefly moved away after I finished grad school).

Then went a year and a half of pain and difficulty which eventually led up to us leaving his hometown and moving to the state we left last year.  I would say there is pain on both sides from that time that didn't heal and got shoved underneath the move we made. 

I can see him trying to sort things out for himself and he expressed things that I feel myself.  I see the disservice his parents did him by never letting him sit with discomfort and always coming to the "rescue."  I feel like the trauma his parents caused is almost the opposite of my parents - my parents expected me to "toughen up" and took a "tough love" approach while his parents acted like they know everything and never really challenged him to work through difficulties.

It's hard on me the pain he is feeling and I hope our conversation was connecting for him.  It was connecting for me and also a part of me is waiting for the past to repeat itself. 

Yesterday before this conversation I had asked myself if I've been fooling myself as to who my husband really is and I think the answer in part is yes. I never really accepted that at heart he is a hometown person and a "momma's boy."  I don't like that phrase but I don't know how else to evoke what I recognized.  While our relationship has strengthened me and allowed me to heal and become myself, I worry it has not had that effect on him.  I did say a version of this to him yesterday since we were putting it all out there.

It will be interesting to see where things take us.  He is at the office of our new internet provider trying to sort out a misunderstanding.  I have a feeling he will come home very upset.  I sincerely hope this is a time of shifting and trending upward for both of us.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, that's a lot to cope w/, so many realizations.  the idea that you've been able to utilize your marriage for healing and growth while you don't think he has speaks to me about the dichotomy of the parental experiences you've both endured.  not being allowed to wrestle w/ problems, sit w/ emotions, grow away from parental units sounds selfish to me.  i hope his meeting went well and he came home in a good mood.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the support.  I wish I didn't feel as deeply and complexly as I do.
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I'm not sure how to describe how I feel today.

I think I might be in an EF.  I am thinking about past moments where I've felt shame - moments that are in the distant past and include folks that I don't know anymore.  I still carry so much shame about myself.

I am recognizing that I feel impatient.  For what I'm not exactly sure.  But I believe the impact of the past several weeks and months is taking its toll.

[rainydiary]

I think what I am trying to puzzle out is if I am "happy."  I have never resonated with at word and have often definitely not been happy.  But it seems to be what people say when they are content with their lives.

Right now I am definitely not content with my life.  It's hard to say if it is about all the change, about seeing things with different eyes, or about needing to continue to make adjustments.  I think it is a combination of many things.

I was briefly thinking today about how miserable I always felt growing up.  Feeling that way is so normal, still.

I had some alone time today and watched a show I enjoy.  I think that time was restorative.  It was immediately followed by an EF when my husband got home.  Things are so difficult right now.

[Moondance]

I'm so sorry Rainydiary that things are so difficult right now. 

I stand with you during this time.

Gentle if okay

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i know that feeling of not being happy, even when it looks like you 'should' be.  i'm very sorry about the marriage problems, and how your H's presence can affect your mood negatively.  that just sucks.  you've gone thru so much in the past few weeks.  please, remember that, and give yourself some time to settle w/ it all, ok?  yeah, it can be rough when you're waiting for you to catch up w/ all the changes.  hang tough, all right?  love and hugs

[Larry]

 

[rainydiary]

Moondance, San, and Larry - thank you for being here and for your support.  It means a lot.
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Today has mostly been ok.  We went on a hike and saw a new part of our state. 

I did get overwhelmed by the sounds of speed boats, jet skis, and a chain saw.  Repetitive, mechanical sounds really disregulate my nervous system especially when I can't get away from them.  I noticed though and even though I got grumpy, I didn't have a meltdown. 

I had some down time and enjoyed playing a video game I like.  I am also watching a show I enjoy (Ted Lasso). 

But I am also still feeling yucky inside.  Something in me is triggered and I am not liking myself.  I feel like I've done something wrong and that I am deeply wrong. 

I was trying to remind myself that there are people that like me.  But then my brain made a mean distinction.  It feels like people I don't see all the time (like students, work colleagues, friends) like me and people that I am related to by blood or marriage don't like me.

I feel frustrated that I am back in this place.  It makes sense that I would circle back to my core wounds but it also stinks to be feeling this way.

[Armee]

That's a crappy feeling to have.

You know that's not about YOU it's about your family and in laws being actually terrible people.

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry that you are feeling so yucky today. That feeling of discontent----"yucky" was a good word to use to describe it.

I know it doesn't fix everything, but it is encouraging that your H had that conversation with you. Marriage is hard.

[Larry]

i hope tomorrow is a great day !

[rainydiary]

Thank you all for the support and encouragement.  This day has taken a rough turn and I need to process a bit.
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My husband and I just had a really intense conversation.  For me it feels like the beginning (or another beginning) of the end. 

He continues to express how the only place he feels ok is in his hometown.  Deep down I know that's where he wants to be.  He will say that in one breath and then in another day he has no life there anymore. 

I cannot handle being there.  I feel like I need to justify why, but I don't actually believe I need to.  I do not belong there and I am past forcing myself to be somewhere that makes me feel that way.

He shared his perception of situations that leave me feeling cold.  If what he is saying is his truth, we have fundamentally misunderstood each other for years.  I want to take him at his word and also have seen how he and his family process things which really ends up being gaslighting and avoidance. 

Even though what he said is upsetting, I feel somewhat relieved that he said it and is actually trying to put into words his experiences.  I think he also just doesn't want to face what is going on here.  I don't really want to either.

For so long I've tried to be a mind reader to him.  I've gotten it so wrong.  I have also gotten myself wrong.

I don't know what's going to happen.  My husband has been seeking out mental health supports and that takes time.  I think we have some really difficult conversations ahead of us.