Rainy Journey 23

[Moondance]

I'm sorry your having to go thru this really difficult situation Rainydiary.

Even though there may be or will be difficult conversations to come, as you say, you seem to be dealing with things pretty head on (even though difficult) which shows just how strong you really are through it all.  Well that's what your doing isn't it, your going thru it rather than around it, under it or avoiding things altogether.

I hope you remember to be kind to yourself as much as possible through all this.


 

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

my dear rainy, i'm there w/ you.  it sounds so difficult, and i know it is - there's no getting around it.  so awful at one end to discover these hard truths, even tho it can help put things in perspective.  i'm glad you know you don't belong where he wants to be. hang tough, ok?  hangin' right beside you,  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Rainy, that sounds really difficult. My heart goes out to you.

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I appreciate your reflection.  I have come a long way and am trying to remember that so it is helpful to have your support.
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Armee, I appreciate the care.
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San, thank you for being here with me.
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Not Alone, thank you for the care and support.
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I am ending the day less triggered than I began.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night in an EF.  My chest was tight and my mind raced.  I eventually went back to sleep but it wasn't particularly restful with my cat bugging me and weird dreams. 

I felt more inward today and didn't speak much to my husband.  I watched Ted Lasso on my phone and completed chores.  I wrote in my journal and did yoga.  I am remembering that doing yoga around 2 or 3 pm is what is truly restoring to me and working makes that difficult.

I signed up for a meeting with a therapist tomorrow.  I am recognizing I could use some perspective on boundaries, standing up for myself, and being nicer to myself.  I also am questioning how good of a communicator I am with others.  It seems like all I do is rub people the wrong way.  I don't know if this person will be a good fit but I'm curious to see what comes of it. 

I don't know what to say about my relationship with my husband today.  Many things he said yesterday resonated with me as a person.  His level of anxiety is really catching me off guard and I see that he is going through a difficult time where he needs to resolve some things for himself.  We both shared that things have been especially off since his brother died. 

I do think he is trying to blame me for things that aren't actually on me.  It isn't on me for him to develop hobbies or make friends.  I think he believes we should be doing these things together always.  He doesn't seem to have any desire to do things for himself and if I don't want to do something he is interested in it somehow means I am rejecting him. 

I was reflecting that for a number of years at the beginning of our relationship, things probably felt smoother to him because I just did what he wanted in terms of activities, socializing, living in his hometown, being around his family all the time, spending time with his friends.  Things got bumpier when I started saying no and doing my own thing.

It is so fascinating how we both have very different perspectives on the same situations.  I think we both have a share in communication breakdowns and expectations of ourselves and our relationship.  We both have a lot of work ahead of us.

[rainydiary]

I am feeling rather overwhelmed and in a sort of EF.

I met on Friday with a therapist that I think will be helpful for things I am hoping to work on. 

I was surprised how much of our conversation focused on autism and perhaps that is a good thing.

I processed the conversation my husband and I had the other day.

I definitely catastrophize and also don't understand what it is he is wanting long term.  I do think I have unintentionally placed the entire burden on him to "get better" when there are things that I would like to feel better about.  I also am hearing how he wants to get out more.

Over the past few days we have gone out a bit more.  I agreed to go to a baseball game tomorrow with a group he meets up with at times.  At first I was ok with the idea, but now it is really eating at me.  I am still not understanding why he needs me to go with him all the time. 

It is triggering an EF because this is why I started saying no all the time.  If we do something he wants, he is fine.  If we do something I want, there is more of a struggle.  That is my perception but also I think there is truth in it too.

In the long run, going to a baseball game will be low stakes.  He sees this potentially turning into being invited to attend gathering on the 4th of July.  And that adds another layer of stress.  I don't care about the 4th of July.  I am frustrated that a holiday I wasn't worried about being stressed for is potentially taking a turn I'm not ok with. 

I do acknowledge that I have perhaps isolated myself more than I necessarily want to be.  But I'm trying to figure out what level of socializing I can and want to handle.  And I'm feeling pressured to do more than I want to to make him happy.

This is important to pay attention to and for now I will try to get some rest and see how tomorrow goes.  I am reminding myself that I can say some of these things out loud.

[rainydiary]

Today I am really noticing how much I "fake" it for others.  I am feeling really sad at how much I have and continue to hold back and hold in and soften and keep down.

[Not Alone]

Rainy, that is a lot to navigate. I'm glad that you have a therapist who will be helpful.

[Armee]

Masking and faking for other people sounds like one of the most draining parts of autism.

I really hope the therapist ends up being a good fit and helpful. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your support Not Alone and Armee.  I still have reservations about therapy but am willing to see how things go for a bit.
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I feel so stuck.

I see how my husband and I could communicate more...but it is so challenging to do so right now.

He naps a lot and I think that the way I currently speak or share is in a way where I am trying to get him to contradict me and say things are fine.  I came home from errands and had hoped to check in only to find him sleeping. 

What is "fine" right now is that we have a home and enough money and enough to eat and good enough physical health.

What is not "fine" feels like everything else.

Where I'm at right now is I feel like this is all my fault and I just want it to go away.

I go up and down with how I feel.  Right now is definitely a down.

[rainydiary]

I've been feeling really low of late and today am feeling a bit more settled.

I met with the therapist today and the word I took away from our conversation was "belonging."  I hadn't considered that as something I am seeking and I think that is accurate.  Something I also took away from the conversation is how we are perhaps wired to resolve our trauma responses with others.  I have done a lot to resolve on my own but am finding I need more, which is where I think that sense of belonging comes in.

He asked me about times I felt that belonging growing up and there are two places I lived where I did feel that way.

Today I set up a lot of appointments - I am working to set up a pet sitter for my cat, I set up an acupuncture appointment at a new place because it is covered by my insurance, I reached out to people I know to connect, and set up a time next week to meet with a possible new friend.

I am still very upset in my home life and am also trying to find ease in that.  My husband signed for a therapy appointment next week and I am curious to see how that goes for him.  I'm also scared.  That said, today I do feel more at peace.  I may have made mistakes but I also have done my best to repair. 

[rainydiary]

Today I experienced a lot of disregulation.  Relationships and being a person feel very hard.  I am having a lot of memories that surprise me coming up. 

[Armee]

I'll be thinking of you, Rainy. They are hard, it is hard. I hope it'll get easier in time. 

[sanmagic7]

i don't believe this is all your fault, rainy.  maybe you are made to feel it that way, but i don't believe it.  and, i trust your perceptions about your H - i'm sad for you to be experiencing all this.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your support and am glad you are here.
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San, thank you for the validation.  I have been made to feel like a lot of things have been my fault in many areas of my life with many people and I am hoping to shift that.
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I've done a lot of processing since yesterday.

I became disregulated both by dynamics with my husband that we engage in from time to time and also by my sensory experiences.  I happened to see a post either yesterday or the day before about supporting young autistic people when they are in a meltdown.  I glanced at the document shared quickly to see if it would be something I would want to keep for work.

Last night as I was struggling to fall asleep, something clicked - autistic meltdown is similar to emotional flashback is similar to whatever we experience that sets off our fight, flight, freeze, fawn responses.  Yesterday I had had too much caffeine, the music my husband was playing in the car was too annoying, and I didn't know what to expect from the hike he planned so my brain was in alarm mode.  I realized then that I know how to manage that even if the source is different than when I am in an EF.

Recognizing this made me realize my hypervigilance and fear have been higher of late because I haven't been feeling safe given sensory needs.  So, the one affirmation that always seems to help me "I am safe" is back as is more detective work of figuring out what sensory things exactly need support.

Today I feel relatively more at peace.  My husband gave me space today which I appreciated...and it seemed like he recognized his own need for space to deal with some things he needed to take care of.

I still don't know we move forward with some of the stuff he said to me recently - namely that I decided for us that we aren't having kids, that he feels like he is missing out on things in his hometown, and that he believes he will be responsible for his parents when they need support as they age.  The kids thing really got under my skin because he has literally never expressed a desire for children.  The other stuff with his family is not new but is clearly not going to go away.  And it's leaving me wondering "why the heck do we keep doing this?" 

I am trying out a few adjustments this week with things I eat and drink.  I have wondered for a long time if further reducing my caffeine intake would help, so I am going to combine decaf and regular coffee to start reducing.  I am also going to try make smoothies for breakfast to get more fruit and veggies into my daily intake.

This will be an interesting week as my husband begins his therapy journey.  I can face whatever comes up.  The question I found myself asking today is how I know when to care for myself and when to care for the relationship?  Currently in a place where I need to prioritize caring for myself.