Rainy Journey 23

[Armee]

All really good realizations, Rainy. I'm sorry things are so tough and that this issue with his hometown and parents keeps disrupting things. It isn't fair at all for H to blame you for not having kids. I hope things go well for him in therapy and that it helps in some way.

I think you're right there's so much overlap between autism symptoms and cptsd symptoms. I was convinced I did have autism for a good while. Even with the sensory stuff. And I was just thinking today about masking and how much I have to mask the trauma symptoms and how much of a relief it is to be able to just be myself in a group of other people with trauma. I have no doubt the added layer of autism makes it even more overwhelming.   

[sanmagic7]

sounds like a good priority to me, rainy.  so sorry you're H is stuck in his hometown w/ his folks.  that kind of thing doesn't help to make someone feel 'safe'.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them, Rainy. Hope your H finds therapy helpful and can grow from it. Also, do you like regular or greek yogurt? Sometimes I'll layer that in a mug with some healthy granola and eat it. Plenty of protein and kinda refreshing in the heat!

[Eireanne]

Was thinking about you today, so thought I'd stop by and offer a 

[rainydiary]

Armee, San, CF, and Eireanne, thank you for your support and comfort.
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My husband and I are going to try couples counseling.

Today it occurred to me that while I am hurt by my parents and dynamics at work and friendships/interactions with others, what hurts the most is the pain I feel in my marriage.

There have been lots of difficult moments in our relationship but the one that I cannot seem to reconcile is his words to me in the aftermath of his brother's death.  At that time, his words were he can't be that far away from his family anymore.

It made me feel like our relationship and the life we were making in our previous state were a joke and not real.

I worry about couple's counseling being about what I've done wrong.  I don't see our issues as something someone has done wrong but rather as two wounded people that didn't have strong or healthy relationship skills who ultimately may have value conflicts that weren't properly discussed before getting married.

We'll see how this goes.  I cried a lot today.  And had a good massage with the massage therapist here that I trust the most.

[rainydiary]

I did not sleep well last night.  I am so scared and yet also so soul weary.

I had a feeling that when my husband tried therapy it would result in more demand on me.  I agree that we have things we could work on together...but I am worried about all of the trauma he has that he isn't acknowledging and dealing with.

My worry is that this will be gaslighting me and that I won't be able to advocate for myself. 

I will also need to make adjustments to accommodate this in my life.

I took the chance to tell my mom what is going on.  Sharing about my life with my parents is a tricky thing.  My mom seems supportive but also is really mad at my husband which makes me feel pressure.  Or judged - like I made a bad decision.

Hopefully my nervous system will settle a bit today.

[Armee]

 

There's so much hurt right now. I'm sorry.

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry you are struggling with all of this. I do a lot of worrying about things that might happen and it is exhausting. For me it is part of my trauma response. My therapist and I are working on how I can believe that I have strength and agency now - that I can manage whatever circumstances come up and do not need to worry and pre-plan for everything before it happens. Some of what I fear may never happen. In fact, most of it never does. From what I read of your posts, I think you are stronger than you feel. You may not have to deal with gaslighting - but if you do, I think you will be able to recognise it for what it is and will be able to advocate for yourself.

I hope you feel more calm and settled soon.

[Eireanne]

I also didn't sleep well...which feels like a layer on top of everything else that was already challenging.  I hope you're able to get through the day as best you can under the circumstances.  There seems to be a lot of moving pieces and as you're navigating them it's bringing up a lot of worries that are all valid, factoring in the context you have.  Fingers crossed the therapist is a good fit for you and your husband.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for helping me acknowledge the hurt.
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NarcKiddo, I appreciate your perspective.  I think I too need reminders that I have agency and am not still that little powerless child.  Thank you for your support.
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Eireanne, I appreciate your support.  Sleep definitely impacts me a lot yet is something that can be so up and down.
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I am writing today from a more settled place.

I think my husband bringing up couples counseling was really unsettling even though it's something I suggested we try 3 years ago.  I was upset because he went to his therapy appointment and the therapist seemed to fixate on us as a couple as opposed to his needs. I interpreted that that my husband didn't want to address his needs.  I was wrong - he told me yesterday he felt like the therapist he saw was trying to push him toward something he feels comfortable with (which is couples). 

I didn't have a positive experience with the therapist I've been seeing yesterday.  I think that I need to take a break from that because what is eating at me is my relationship to my husband and this person can't help me address it.  I felt him grabbing at straws yesterday and he said some things about autism that I found so unhelpful and that he is othering me given his view of autism.

My mom went down a path she always does when I reach out and share about difficult things.  She got really triggered I think and then it stops being about receiving support from her and about me helping her manage her own feelings.  I stepped out of that dynamic really quickly but it still leaves an impression each time it happens.  I don't feel like she likes my husband and that makes it hard.

I don't want my relationship with my husband to end.  I am really stressed through at how persistent the unhealthy attachment to his family is.  I can see how the past several years I've just been waiting for him to get up and leave to go back to them.  Constantly being told that he doesn't like our life and not being able to grapple with detaching himself from his family by not addressing his trauma is taking a toll. 

I want the uncertainty to go away.  But it won't.  I will try my best to be present and remember I am capable of managing this. 

[Eireanne]

I'm often so frustrated when dealing with people who "other" me. It took me SO MANY FAILS before I finally found a therapist that fits my needs.  Sending you validation for the things you are feeling right now...the switching in roles with your mom, your stress about your husband...but yes, you ARE capable of managing it. Here's hoping you find the support you need.

[Denali]

Rainy, I'm so sorry to hear all the inner and outer struggles your having. 

Sending support and well wishes that things will turn around for you and your husband.

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry that your session with T was disappointing. Also sorry that your mom turned what you shared to focus on her needs.

[rainydiary]

Eireanne, I appreciate the support and understanding.  I'm glad I recognized this and can put my effort into finding other supports.
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Denali, I appreciate your support.   
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Not Alone, thank you - these types of set backs make it hard for me to trust others but I am aware and hoping to not let it set me back too much.
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Today I am writing from a place of strength.

Just a few minutes ago, my dad texted me which I was really surprised by.  I think it was his way of checking in on me and it was supportive today.

Around 8 years ago, I was visiting my parents so that I could see my grandpa whose health was failing.  On the way to their house, my dad and I had a moment that was so abusive and it really woke me up to what my childhood had been like.  I could feel his anger and how much he wanted to hurt me.  In that moment he said something about he couldn't imagine being in an unhappy marriage.  At that time I didn't see my marriage as unhappy (although it absolutely was). 

I hate that time and moment with my dad.  I hate his anger and how it wounded me.  It makes me angry now when he and my mom say I need to communicate with my husband.  While that may be true in some ways, I do not accept the responsibility of "failed communication"with my husband.  He has a role in it too.

In reflecting on the mismatch between me and the therapist I was meeting with, I see now that I was masking a bit for his benefit.  I was saying things I know mental health professionals like to talk about but it wasn't what was really bothering me. 

What is really bothering me is that I have always been a little ahead of my husband in terms of our relationship and I have been waiting for a while now for him to catch up to where we are now.  Now I'm not sure if we have been walking the same path. 

We did have a meaningful day yesterday and are still working to find a couples counselor.  I feel a lot of unease in really being misunderstood by another professional.  It makes me want to be careful what I tell them about being autistic. 

Tonight I am starting a 5 week mosaic course and I am really looking forward to it even though the thought of going makes me feel exhausted. 

[sanmagic7]

o, rainy, i love mosaics!  i hope you're able to enjoy the class.

i'm glad you're going to see a couples counselor.  i do hope those family issues, esp. w/ your H, come out and can get looked at and hopefully resolved.  what he said after his brother died and what's been going on since then sounds like unresolved trauma to me (my opinion only).  i really do wish the best for both of you and that your marriage can work.  love and hugs