Rainy Journey 23

[Eireanne]

"I feel a lot of unease in really being misunderstood by another professional.  It makes me want to be careful what I tell them about being autistic."

I relate to that a lot,  More and more I see how people take something I say and run it through their own definition of what that word means to them, and then they filter everything I say through that definition, even if it's not what I mean.  It's very frustrating and makes me hesitant to share just anticipating being misunderstood and the effort it take people to listen to understand.  It's exhausting.    

[rainydiary]

San, I enjoyed the first class and think it will be a positive experience.
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Eireanne, it is exhausting.  It makes it hard for me to trust others to support me in healing.
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*sigh*

Well, I opened up a conversation for my husband and I tonight that was difficult to have. 

I think the reality that we both wanted different things in terms of where we want to live and relationship to family may have left wounds that I'm not sure we can mend.

He is really angry at me and is blaming me for a lot of things.  Some of them I definitely contributed to the dynamic we are in now, some of them are not about me.

We are still trying to find a counselor.  It is difficult to find availability in our area. 

I am really tired now.  We need to have these conversations because it's all been sitting there for years.  But it is really hard and painful.

[rainydiary]

I didn't sleep well last night after the conversation with my husband. 

Today I took my cat to the vet and received a lot of detailed information about her kidney disease.  She is developing new symptoms.  We are waiting to see how her lab values look. 

It is a lot to have my marriage and my cat struggles at the same time.

[Armee]

It is a lot. 

[Eireanne]

 

[rainydiary]

Armee and Eireanne, I appreciate the support. 
............
Today I am experiencing clarity.  The most clarity I have is with what is and has always bothered me the most about my relationship with my husband.

I signed up for this course called Should I Stay or Should I Go with Kate Anthony.  The first video in the course was about staying in marriage "for the kids."  I wasn't going to watch it because I don't have kids but I'm glad I watched it. 

The way she spoke about parent child relationships gave me a way to explain the "yuck" I feel with the relationship between my husband and his parents.  What bothers me is his parents expect a lot in return from their kids for having born and raised them.  They aren't really parents and almost everything they do is about meeting some need they have which is an inappropriate way of treating children. I am bothered because it keeps my husband in a certain dynamic and role that to date he has not been able to see or make adjustments to. 

Sure, we can try and work on our relationship...but that dynamic with his parents and family has changed very little over time and is what I fear will be a wedge between us that we can't overcome.  I am not sure how to talk to him about this because I have not handled conversations about his family very well in the past so it is a hot topic.  Hopefully when we're able to get into relationship counseling, this can be addressed.

I feel better for understanding this in myself. 

With regard to my cat, I was upset yesterday that the vet spoke to me about information she assumed a colleague had told me.  I find this vet practice challenging because I meet with different vets each time and have no relationship to anyone there.

My experience yesterday was relatively more positive than the previous two have been.  The last communication I had about my cat's labs last November was that they looked good.  I didn't know what that meant other than perhaps that her disease hasn't gotten too worse.  Apparently based on those labs, the vets know that within 24 months my cat will be in active renal failure.  That was not communicated to me and that made me upset.  Almost half of that time has passed.

At this point I want to keep her around as long as her quality of life is ok and not just keep her alive for my sake.  I don't know exactly what means and right now she seems relatively ok.  At least now I can start preparing myself.

[Moondance]

Sending a 

[Not Alone]

Husband and cat are two really big issues. You know some of my issues with my ex-H. It is confusing and heartbreaking, trying to navigate the relationship. I've also had pets that I've had to put down (cats and a dog). It must be really hard knowing that your kitty is ill. I'm glad that for now she is okay.

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I appreciate the care.
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Not Alone, thank you for your support.  I am definitely feeling up and down these days and will try to articulate that a bit more below.
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I am trying to enjoy my cat right now.  The vet I met with last week called me on Friday and shared about my cat's blood work.  For now her kidney disease is relatively stable.  Tomorrow I am taking her to the vet for a cardiology exam.  I am scared especially if they need to sedate her.  I'm always afraid she won't wake up.  But I would like the information so am going to see what I learn so am taking the chance.

I am experiencing this pattern where I really feel my strength and power as a person one day.  I think a combination of my inner critic and dynamics especially with my husband and others will then muddle that feeling of strength leaving me feeling very confused.

Today I've been reading about mother enmeshed men and really recognize my husband and our dynamic in it. 

It is upsetting me a bit and I am becoming critical of myself.  My critical thoughts are saying "you should have known better, why did you let this happen?, you should have trusted your gut early on."

I am seeing that because my husband does not see his relationship with his mother especially as inappropriate and yet is angry, that anger is being directed at me.

Over time, but especially within the last four years, I have taken less and less of his crap.  The stronger I become, the more our "problems" become bigger.  I can see how he is trying to play that he is a victim.  And sometimes I am falling back into the pattern of accepting that (like I did last week) and feeling responsibility for things that I don't need to feel responsibility for.  When I really think about most of what he said to me in the past month, it felt like a child having a tantrum.

I am sure I have made mistakes in our relationship.  But I am also seeing more and more that I have been doing well and it is just not being received or understood by a mature person. 

I can have compassion for him.  It isn't his fault that his mom especially used him for meeting her emotional needs.  I have always sensed that she doesn't like her husband.  And instead of dealing with that, she does what she does.  It actually makes me really sick thinking about it. 

Lately I've been rethinking over a lot of memories from early in my relationship when I did spend a lot more time with them.  It's been painful.  It is reminding me why I started refusing to be around them so much.  But also it is adding to my inner critic of why I didn't leave sooner.

Every time we have a life change, my husband and I enter a dynamic that I now see has happened over and over since the beginning of our relationship.  My view and relationship to that dynamic is shifting.  It is scaring me a lot because it will mean things are really going to change for me.  I cannot continue to experience him telling me one thing while deep down meaning another and then trying to drag me down.  Now that I see this hopefully I can take better care.

[Not Alone]

My critical thoughts are saying "you should have known better, why did you let this happen?, you should have trusted your gut early on."

I've had that dance around in my head many times. You are human. You had hopes and desires. You didn't do anything wrong.

[natureluvr]

Rainydiary, I've read the past 3 pages of your journal.  You definitely have quite a lot of your plate.  I want to say I see a lot of strength and courage in you, because I see you as dealing with these issues straight on, and being very honest and forthright.  What you are going through is very challenging.  I have to say, my husband had a very similar relationship with his own mother (she passed 11 years ago), so I know how difficult this situation can be. 

I am here cheering for you, and holding space for you. 

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate that reminder and will try to hold it in mind.
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Natureluvr, thank you for your words and support.  I am more and more realizing how common it is for men to be enmeshed with their moms.
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I don't feel well emotionally today.

I took my cat to the vet this morning and have no idea when her procedure will be done or when I can bring her home.  I am also always thrown off by the form I have to sign for sedated procedures - they always ask if I want her to be resuscitated if something happens.  I always say no even though it would crush me if she didn't survive something they told me she needs.

I am really feeling out of place today.  I was reflecting on how I was never comfortable growing up and rarely accepted as I am.  That continues in adulthood. 

I hope to take some moments to take care.  It is difficult because I am worried about my cat.  And it's hard to talk to my husband about it because he gets annoyed.  I think he believes I prioritize my cat over him.  It's thoughts like that where I see how immature he can be.  When I really think about a lot of what he said to me in our intense conversations over the last month, I just see immaturity. 

It will especially be important to take care moving forward because the return to work for me will be soon.  That may also be some of my unease.  It is coming and even when I feel strong, I also continue to doubt and question myself.

[Moondance]

 

I hope taking some time to take care of you will help Rainydiary.

I have a cat as well, she is getting older.  I cannot even bear to think of anything going wrong.

I understand how important our dear pets are to us.

I really hope all goes well with this procedure.

Standing with you during this time Rainydiary.

 

[natureluvr]

I am really feeling out of place today.  I was reflecting on how I was never comfortable growing up and rarely accepted as I am.  That continues in adulthood.

Ohhh, this resonates with me so much.  Big hugs and warmth thoughts sent your way.   

[Bach]

rainy