Rainy Journey 23

[sanmagic7]

oh rainy,

I am feeling like I am not cut out for relationships of any kind.

i know this one all too well.  i just tried it out a month ago w/ someone from my past, it flopped, i stressed out, and i had to end it. that took all of 4 weeks. i'm just so sorry you're having to go thru this, but i don't think it needs to be all on your head.  he's putting in his fair share of problems for you to try to maneuver.

hope your session goes well.  best to you with everything.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

[NarcKiddo]

I hope the counselling goes well. You have enough to worry about already with work and your cat.

[Kizzie]

Hi Rainy, just wondering how the counselling went today?  I was also wondering if you shared with the counsellor on the form you filled out that you are a survivor, and also whether they are trained in trauma?  From all that we share here we know how difficult relationships are for us and IMO that's crucial for any professional to know and understand about relational trauma.

I was thinking of how many of us dissociate, just go away when something is hard for us in a relationship and how that feels like emptiness. It may be that we don't care for the person as much anymore, or that we don't know how to stay present and work things out. That's what I mean about the counsellor knowing what may be going on and helping you to get to that.

Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope it went okay.   

[Moondance]

Hi Rainydiary,

How did the couples councelling go today?  I hope it went okay - can be so stressful at times - adding to the stress you are already  experiencing.

Kizzie makes a great point about trauma informed professional. That could make all the difference.

Sending encouraging abdxsupportive thoughts your way today Rainydiary.

 

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the support and reminder to remember my husband has contributed. 
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Armee, I appreciate your support. 
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NarcKiddo,  I appreciate your support - this is a lot in addition to everything else.  It's annoying how it feels like everything happens all at once.
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Kizzie, I appreciate the thoughts.  The counselor is trained in trauma and so far they seemed like they will be supportive.  She was attuned to my reactions today and gave me space to share.  I appreciate the distinctions about dissociation - this may be really important as our next session is going to be focused on family.
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Moondance, I appreciate the support.  I will share an update below.
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Well, we made it through our first appointment and have another set in 2 weeks.

I don't suppose anything was said that hasn't come up in the past several months.

But hearing my husband describe his "close" family to the therapist and saying he hopes I will learn to compromise by hanging out with them more made me both sad and angry. He does not understand that the impact their enmeshment has on us.

I felt like the therapist was really skilled and I felt comfortable with her.  She appeared to notice my cues and seemed supportive. 

Next session we are going to talk about families.  That will be a lot.  But at least I'll know that and can be as prepared as I can.

Today my husband and I both said we are wondering if our relationship should continue.  Given the anger I heard in his voice today, I am feeling really indifferent about all the ridiculous relationship stuff we've been doing.  I am wanting to shut down and tell him to go away.

I tried sharing my experiences with my mom which became a bad idea.  She overreacted and I felt like I had to explain myself.  I will have to be careful with what I share with her moving forward.  It's hard because I would like my parents' support and wish I had a family where I could feel supported.

I think I am raw after that meeting.  My husband is going to be away this evening which will be for the best.

[Moondance]

 

I'm so glad the T is trauma I informed. 

It's all so much Rainydiary.

[Kizzie]

  I too am glad you are comfortable with the T and that she is TI. That is really important period, but especially when it comes to family relationships. Hopefully the T can help your H to understand what enmeshment is and how and why it affects you like it does. 

 

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I'm glad they are too and I appreciate your support.
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Kizzie, I think it will be important too.  I got a generally good vibe from this place and today requested individual therapy.  Whatever is coming I am going to need more support and I haven't had luck yet in finding a person that I work well with in therapy.
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I'm not feeling very well today.  This is mostly going to be me rambling about thoughts I can't seem to put together in my mind.

When I really think about some of the things my husband and I discussed yesterday in our session (which had been brought up before together), I feel so deflated and am not motivated to try to make this relationship work anymore.  I think I am moving toward knowing what direction I want to move in.

Hearing him say the things he said to me a few weeks ago to the therapist put a different lens on the words.  It made me wonder what the heck we are doing if we both acknowledge that we aren't happy and don't particularly like each other anymore.  I don't think that is going to change because the underlying issues are still present.

I'm having the biggest challenge hearing him talk about his family because he clearly hasn't shifted at all in his relationship to them in the years I've known him.  Right now I'm not sure if things he says to me are coming from him or them. 

I'm also challenged by his recent frustration that we don't have kids.  He has literally never said anything about it in 15 years and now it is a huge deal.  Admittedly yes, I did establish a firm boundary about kids because I do not want to be a mother and I also knew that given his family dynamics I would struggle even more.  Given how little he helps me around the house, I also sensed a long time ago that he wouldn't have helped me with kids.  So yeah, it was a hard pass for me.  We probably should have talked it out more than we did, but again because he didn't bring it up and when I from time to time asked him about it, he said he was fine with our arrangement.

I'm also really struggling with the idea that I am the problematic one.  Have I really "kept" him from being with his family or doing things he likes?  He seems to think so and the hang up for him is that it's because I don't always participate.  So, when his parents pick random days to visit us and I still have to work and I set boundaries about my time, that's inappropriate.  He said one of his goals for our counseling was for us (when really he meant me) to learn compromise especially with time I spend with his family.  That really floored me because I believe I have compromised and done what I can.

I want to share with him some of my reactions to our appointment yesterday but am not sure how.  I might need to feel more calm before doing so.  I hope to be amicable moving forward because I sense that he could turn very nasty to me if I am not careful. 

[Armee]

 

I'm so sorry Rainy. Especially feeling like you have to be cautious

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  As I reflect, I realize what I said is a really heavy and huge thing and means things aren't actually ok. 

I just watched a video on abuse that made me realize abuse may be present at times in my relationship.  I haven't necessarily seen it as such because it is subtle and is different enough than what I grew up with but also the cycle feels "familiar." 

I have some work to do.  I am safe and will be safer now that I realize. 

[sanmagic7]

so glad you've gotten to a point of feeling safe, rainy.  i, too, heard your words about having to be careful cuz you weren't sure if he'd turn nasty.  yep, that's huge.  and abuse can take many forms - having to live in fear is one of them.  so very sorry you're going thru this.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry to read your recent updates in one way, but in another I think they are good because they indicate you are thinking clearly about the whole situation. Perhaps having him say things to a third party in front of you enables you to process more of what he is actually saying because you are not having them directed straight at you. If someone scary or potentially dangerous is engaging you directly, especially with nobody else present, then you are quite entitled to feel scared and to (unconsciously, probably) devote a lot of your brain's processing power towards protection rather than analysing precisely what they are saying.

I hope I am not speaking out of turn, but the kids issue smacks a bit to me of a "get out of jail free" card he has kept for himself. You made your boundary clear and have asked him over the years if he remained fine with it. It sounds like he has had ample opportunity to speak up on the issue if he was changing his mind or wanted to discuss with you again. Alternatively, his family have seen it as a "get out of jail free" card, even if he hasn't, and are now whispering into his ear. Of course I could be way off, but that's what your post suggests to me.

I loathe the suggestion that you are keeping him from his family because you don't participate in everything he does with them. You married him, not his family. If he were physically unable to spend time with his family unless you facilitated it, he may have a point. Also, do his family want to spend time with you anyway? Or does he use you as some kind of buffer between him and his family? When I was considering divorce my family was thrilled and accused my husband of keeping me from them. Totally unfounded but I realised I was (subconsciously) using him as a buffer against them. Actually, my family's delight at the prospect of my leaving him backfired as I re-thought the whole thing.

I think you are wise to make sure you are calm and have thought things through before discussing any aspects with him. I'm glad to read you have also requested individual therapy. I think that is a very good idea.

[rainydiary]

San, Thank you for the thoughts and perspective.  It's weird how used to our own world we get and don't always understand or see what is going on.  Also beginning to recognize what is going on is tough in it's own way.
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NarcKiddo, I appreciate your perspective and it is possible you are on to something.  It is suspect that he is making a mountain out of this right now and I absolutely believe his parents are a part of this.  I don't think he sees me as a buffer with them but for some reason expects me to want to spend time with them in the same way as him.  I do think he gets pressure from them because I don't "act right."  He says they don't put pressure on him which is counter to my perception of their relationship.  I also appreciate the perspective of being a "third party."  I do tend to interpret things differently when I am able to observe versus being the sole active participant.
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I feel run down today.  I have a reminder on my to do list to slow down and nourish. 

This morning my husband told me he is sad and a chapter he read in the John Gottman book we are reading seemed to give him food for thought.  He apologized for not expressing his needs. 

While I appreciate his self reflection, I also feel hesitancy and caution within myself. 

First of all, yesterday I did say I was feeling low and needed to talk to him.  My feeling low and needing to talk about it isn't given the same space as his feeling low.  I am "being silent and upset."  I'm getting tired of feeling like I am not communicating when I know I am.

Also, there are some things I'm not sure I can accept an apology for.  Especially because I feel like all of this is a charade to get me to "act right" in the context of his family.  Which means producing children and living near them.

He seems to be very clear on where I stand given that he has made choices based on that.  But instead of recognizing that, he says I am rejecting everything about who he is.  I asked him why he has stayed with someone that leaves him feeling that way and he didn't have a good answer.

I can see how my husband's trauma leads him to act in certain ways.  He says he is worried about upsetting me which is why he doesn't tell me things.  That feels like mostly an excuse as well as my armchair diagnosis that this is about his worry about upsetting his mother who expects him to meet her needs.

Good grief I am so tired and so confused.

[rainydiary]

I did find rest this afternoon and while resting I realized how exhausted my marriage makes me.

I have "blamed" lots of things for making me tired - work, how my brain works, other people.  Those things do tire me out. 

But so does the effort I expend trying to make this work. 

The course I'm doing has a relationship inventory activity.  I am going to focus on that for a bit and see what it brings up.