Rainy Journey 23

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I am glad you found some rest during the afternoon.  You have a lot to deal with, and it is exhausting to deal with all of that.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 

I hope you find the relationship inventory activity brings up some interesting things.  I want you to know that I value your support here in this forum, and I value your presence here. 

Hope 

[natureluvr]

Hello Rainy, it sounds like you are working on hard on your relationship with your husband, and it is exhausting.  It is tough when your husband is enmeshed with his family, like it sounds as though yours might be. Sending warm thoughts of peace and rest your way, and prayers, if that is OK. 

[Eireanne]

 

[rainydiary]

Hope, thank you for what you said.  I appreciate your support.
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Natureluvr, thank you for your support.  It helps.
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Eireanne, 
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I am feeling empty today.  I have been doing so much learning both personal and professional.  I need some time to integrate.

Today I watched a video about codependency.  I learned some things but still very much struggle with this concept.  It feels like it doesn't take into account how our brains work.  I find any information I find about it lands as judgmental and harsh to me.  I think that if it supports someone in understanding their experiences and helps with healing, I get it.  But it doesn't work for me and leaves me agitated.

I don't have much else in me today.

[Armee]

I agree with the codependent stuff. It always hits me as very harsh, judgemental, blaming without any empathy for the conditions that are at play.

[NarcKiddo]

I also agree with your comments about codependency. It does feel judgemental. I think it takes a very gentle and empathetic T to help someone who may be codependent.

I hope you can take some time for yourself this weekend, Rainy, to relax and take care of yourself.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them, Rainy.  I agree, it needs to be dealt with gently and with support. Wishing you peace.

[rainydiary]

Thank you all - I'm glad I'm not the only one that experiences this reaction.  I do think the underlying information that people that have experienced abuse and trauma relate to others differently and often in unhealthy ways resonates.  But I struggle with the tone of "this is a disease" and you need to get yourself together.  I think that this is filtered through a lens of the medical model of disability which emphasizes the individual as being the "problem" and being "treated" and "fixed" for the problem.  A lot of our stuff as humans doesn't fit nicely into that.

I am struggling today.  I was looking forward to some massages coming up as my massage therapist is really helpful to me.  But they were cancelled because the building where they are located had a fire and they will need time to make the building safe.  I am really disappointed even though it isn't their fault. 

I am also feeling a lot of pain as I process and wonder what is next.  I have often worried about my husband leaving me but have not considered my own agency in this.  I am scared of my agency. 

I'm also in pain because I don't see us reconciling the issues he is raising about kids and his family. 

The only way I can cope with his family is a lot of distance.  Without that, his dad shows up like he is a "friend" to things we plan and his mom says mean things to me when no one else is around and we get sucked into roles that require us to act like we are not adults (early morning Christmas wake ups, Easter baskets, etc). 

I get no support from him on what I need with regard to his family so I have in many ways given up.  At the heart of this I literally don't want to be a part of his family.  I would not care if I never saw his parents again. 

I am also in pain because I do see him trying to establish a connection I'm not sure we ever really had.  Even in the beginning of our relationship he did a lot of hurtful things I didn't really address because I didn't want him to leave.  I'm not able to "fake" this especially since it seems like this relationship isn't really working.

We have another appointment scheduled for the 15th because next week the therapist is out of the office.  I am curious to hear what questions come up as she said this appointment would focus on families.

[rainydiary]

I didn't sleep well last night.  I woke up to a sound that might have been my cat throwing up.

My brain went to some difficult places where I recognized that touch and sex are extremely challenging for me.  My sexual history is more categorized by SA than I have really acknowledged or faced. I think it is time to start processing more.

Another thought that came up in the night is how alone I've felt my entire life.  I have more understanding now as to why that is but it felt important to recognize that too.

Yesterday we went an outdoor music festival held in our town.  I generally enjoyed the experience.  Concerts tend to be really overwhelming to my nervous system even if I like the music.  Earplugs help and I found that being outdoors helped too.  I was able to focus too on nature (like plants and small creatures) as people watching tends to overwhelm me too.

I felt pressure yesterday during the event as I watched couples.  I feel so much pressure in my relationship to act certain ways to show I am "trying." 

[Armee]

Those things are big struggles for me too Rainy and I couldn't imagine trying to work through it with someone who doesn't feel safe. It is hard enough with someone I theoretically trust. I just wish for the best outcome for you from all this hard work, whether that is coming to a closer relationship with your H or finding freedom to be safely yourself on your own.

I relate to the concert experience.

Thinking of you on this tough journey.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i think the 'disease' model of codependency sounds like a 12-step model -alcoholism, drug addiction, any 'addiction' is often categorized as a disease.  i think it's meant to ease the burden of guilt and shame on the addict.  they have their own group, CODA  (co-dependents anonymous) - been there for a little while. but, like any 'talk' therapy, it doesn't get to the root of the problem, nor does it look at the interactions or backgrounds of the people involved.  trauma, however, is not an addiction, and it sounds like you and your H have both been traumatized.  that's a beast of a whole 'nother color.

as for all the rest you're going thru, all the feelings, especially the fear of where this relationship might end up, including your own agency in the matter, i can only tell you how awful it sounds, and i'm sorry you have to go thru it.  sending love and a hug filled with confidence and clarity. 

[natureluvr]

Rainy, it sounds like you have quite a lot to process, but it sounds as though you are doing a good job of working through things.  I'm sorry for the pain that you are going through, and the tough decisions that you have to make.

I can relate when you say you have felt alone for your entire life.  Sending warm thoughts and hugs, if that's OK. 

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate knowing I am not the only one that faces the questions and challenges with touch.
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San, thank you for the information and perspective on codependence.  I think am especially sensitive to the way it's discussed because it also reminds me of shifts that need to happen in schools and in how we treat children through education.  Right now a lot of focus is given to outward behavior without any question of what might going on inside.  Thank you for your support of me.
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Natureluvr, thank you for that encouragement and support.
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I am feeling weird today.  This tends to happen when the start of work is around the corner. 

I am trying to ease myself back into work routines so it isn't too much of a shock in two weeks when I wake up and have to go in.  But I'm also trying to find rest too.

I am feeling vulnerable as I contacted some people at the school I will be at to request being added to their email list.  It is a reasonable request and one that I'm sure they will honor...but the putting myself out there tension begins.

Yesterday as I processed I recognized how much control has been present in my life.  What was different in my noticing is recognizing how hard I have tried to control myself.  I feel a lot of grief for the past and for choices I made without knowing better and for all the pressure I put on myself.  I am trying to let some of that go because very little is actually in my control.  But I am also grieving for the younger and littler mes that didn't have enough information or support.

Yesterday a friend I made right before the pandemic reached out to me.  She shared about an experience she had in her job which was exactly like the one where I ended up quitting 2 months in to the school year after the constant bullying.  Hearing her story gave me perspective and it made me feel less alone because I am not the only one that experienced something like that.  It shows me that there are very broken systems.  I'm glad that I could be a person she came to.

I hope I can be as easy as I can on myself because next week and the one after will be too much.  My in-laws will be here next week.  Going back to work is stressful enough without that extra pressure. 

[sanmagic7]

it's so hard for me to comprehend how quickly the summer and your time off from work has gone.  dang, rainy, so little rest, time to reflect, and get yourself back together before it begins all over again.  and with everything else going on, yeah, too much.  there seems to be a lot of that we're dealing with here.  i'm glad your friend reached out to you and it was so positive. love and hugs 

[rainydiary]

San, I am also so surprised that my time off is basically gone.  My summer did not at all go how I hoped and a lot of it wasn't particularly restful.  I'll say more below.  I appreciate your support.
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San's comment has me reflecting on how another point of anxiety is building up in me.  I know people are going to ask, "How was your summer?" It's hard for me to not want to be honest and saying the expected "It was good" feels like such a lie I can't bear it.

I am writing again today because I am deeply agitated and hope that writing will help me leave the room I'm in right now.

I just worked on part of the relationship inventory and wrote about the 5 most hurtful incidents in my marriage.  There are 5 very clear, very strong events.  Going back through those has upset me a lot.

I am wanting to be critical to myself for not seeing the red flags.  And right now I feel so angry.  These are the things that are eating away at our marriage and always have.

Thankfully tonight I have my mosaic class and hope that will help me ease my tension a bit.  But I have to survive the next few hours before I go.