Rainy Journey 23

[Armee]

 

[Moondance]

I resonate with answering such a question Rainydiary.  I very often lie and say I'm good or It was good.  And I hate lying. 

The weird thing is I was just thinking about that.  I lie to protect myself or because I feel I have to protect myself. 

Sending strength your way if at all helpful.

 

[Not Alone]

I relate a great deal to many of your thoughts and feelings regarding your marriage. It's really hard.

[rainydiary]

Armee, much appreciated 
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Moondance, I appreciate the understanding.  We'll see if I'm asked the question tomorrow.  Interestingly I saw a post on social media about being trauma informed and not asking students that question.  I think the same trauma informed-ness should be extended to adults.
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Not Alone, I appreciate your support and understanding.  I feel like I have a long road ahead.
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Well, what I worried would happen has happened.

Yesterday I had a sense I would do something to pick a fight because I am carrying so much anger and pain that hasn't been addressed between us. 

After being kind of mopey all day, my husband hugs me when I was busy and then brings up the chapter in the Gottman book we read about setting up a date night.  I think that plus a difficult day of trying to manage my feelings about work and the prospect of all that is coming in the next week, I got activated.

I tried to express that I don't feel like I am good at relationships.  Which maybe I didn't need to say and it definitely wasn't received well.  I didn't mean it as a personal comment to him - I was intending to share my experience.  He gets offended and leaves to get ready for his bowling club. 

When he comes back, I try to repair by saying "I worry that what I said created distance between us."  To which he says "It feels like there is no point in trying." 

Right now I am trying to not take all of that exchange on myself.  The perception I have is that he doesn't want to talk about hard stuff and is wanting to focus on lighter things. 

It isn't a bad thing to work on the relationship but in our case being nicer to each other doesn't solve the challenge that I feel like there's always been a third person in our relationship and that we have some big traumas that have not been addressed.

I feel like I am trying.  We just aren't trying at the same things.  And I can't handle all the stuff happening with work starting and his family coming.  Plus his birthday falls when they are here.

[rainydiary]

And just as I pushed "post," it occurs me to how this also about a lot of unmet needs in addition to the anger and difficult experiences.

Perhaps I can try to express needs better but I'm not doing well with that with my husband.

[Moondance]

Yes I agree with this as well Rainydiary - I think the same trauma informed-ness should be extended to adults.

I find it difficult to express my needs with anyone and have even more difficulty expressing them if I don't feel safe.

I'm glad your not taking everything on yourself.

Sending supportive hug if helpful.

[rainydiary]

Thank you for the support Moondance. 
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I've been feeling ashamed about my posts of late and of just how hard of a time I've been having.

Today was a real break of routine.  I went to a special day long meeting for a committee I am on.

I am exhausted by the experience.  Too much information and focused attention and being in a crowded room.  Plus I sat with all these people that are administrators and the dynamic is just weird.  They stay stuff in front of me that feels like I shouldn't hear.  Another example of being assumed to be more mature than I am so in a way it is really triggering to all the times I was assumed to be an adult when I was like 12 years old.

But also I just feel left out when they talk.  I don't know why I'm there other than for them to check a box that they are including staff.

A very good thing about today is I saw the principal from the school I wanted to stay at.  It was really validating to hear again he wishes I was returning and to debrief with him on my experiences.  It is fortunate that I happened to go for a walk and was in the hallway he was in.  I am grateful for that encounter.  I was valued and wanted and safe at that school with the exception of a few annoying people (who he saw through).

I also feel really fortunate to have seen the presenter today. She was really engaging and shared useful information.  Her presentation and perspective helped me feel like I am the right track.

I will say my husband and I had a conversation this morning that helped me feel more heard and connected.  There is still a lot to sort out, but hopefully we can keep finding productive moments.

My hope is to just rest the rest of the evening.  Today was a lot.

[rainydiary]

I don't know what made me think of this, but yesterday I went through some old emails to see if I had written examples of my in-laws' behavior.

I found two that really stood one.  One was essentially a "bill" my father in law sent out.  The family was going to take a trip to a place in the old state my husband and I lived in.  The "bill" was what each person's share was because "they couldn't afford to pay for everyone."  My family was wonky about money but this nickel and diming your kids to subsidize a vacation you want to take really left me feeling icky.

Specific to that time, I think why it came to mind is because it was around this time of year it took place.  It was about 7 years ago.  My husband and I had left his "home" a year prior.  We hadn't gone back for Christmas as we had gone to visit my family.  I was also about to start a new job and found an email where I told them I was busy and probably wouldn't be around much.  His mom sent an email that the subtext was "that's nice but we expect to see you."  I ended up not going.

When the actual trip happened, my husband and his mom got into a fight about me.  He actually left and came back to our apartment.  I felt like it was a breakthrough...until a few days later he went back.  Which was so disappointing because I wanted his support of me when I started my new job.

The other email I found was sent by his mom after that trip.  It was a long manifesto about how important it is to keep family ties even though when everyone gets together it is "wild and crazy."  The last line of the email said some version of "so either come home or we'll come visit you (JK)." 

Looking back at all of this, I see that my husband was expected to pay more of the "bill" because they expected me to go (my schedule was not considered).  Given that his dad "bills" him for things, it is no wonder to me he is so weird and uptight about money.   

At the time I received it, I interpreted his mom's email as a telling off to me (assuming I had "ruined her trip" as I had previously "ruined her Christmas" as she told me once).  I see it is a bit more nuanced now.  She was also reinforcing her narrative to my husband of how he is supposed to act.  She took no responsibility for herself.  It's fine for me to never see my family as long as I am always doing whatever she wants me to do. 

I am unsettled by these emails.  It was a reminder to me that I did not make up all the things that happened.  There are reasons why I needed boundaries with them mostly that they are abusive and I could see it in their family because I could see it in mine. 

The part that hurts and is hard on my marriage is my husband doesn't see this stuff as bad.  It is normal to him and he doesn't understand that it is hurtful and not ok.  His parents will be here next week and it feels like deja vu - trips I refuse to go on, not considering my schedule, starting work. 

Plus next week when we do couples counseling I think we are talking about family.  Part of me wonders if a therapist can tell when someone is enmeshed and/or has an unhealthy family dynamic.  I wrote in my intake form my experience of his family.  I think I worry I won't be believed by this person.

All of this is really to say I continue to give myself a hard time for not getting out when I realized the depth and reach of their disfunction.  I thought my husband wanted to be free of it, but time is showing me I was very very wrong.

[Armee]

I'm really proud of you that you can see the dysfunction and not take it all on you. You are strong and I'm glad you are able to stand up for yourself so well. Some therapists can see these dynamics and some can't. But the ones who can see it almost have a sixth sense for it.

I'm so sorry they are coming right before work starts. That is incredibly insensitive.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for your support. I am hoping the therapist we are seeing picked up on given that she made the suggestion we talk about families in our next session.
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I was feeling relatively calm until I saw that my husband has put the picture of his sister and niece back on his work desk.  I specifically remember telling him it makes me uncomfortable because I wrote about it on here.  I'm sure he "forgot."  I can't explain but it just feels weird and off.  I'm worried that the therapist he is working with individually is validating his weird family stuff.

I am trying to hold it together until our next couples session on Tuesday.  I also signed up individual counseling with the same practice we are doing couples at.  I am not sure I will ever find a therapist I feel comfortable with, but we'll see.

I am reminding myself that I have done and am doing all I can to be prepared for work.  I am rather bothered by the behavior of the people that are my bosses after my work training on Wednesday.  I felt like there is such a disconnect between what they say and what they do.  I am really uncomfortable with some of the things I heard them say given how much power they have over others.

I just received a really sweet message from someone I used to work with.  I am loved and I know I will be able to face whatever is coming. 

[rainydiary]

I am feeling very low today.

I had the dentist this morning which is one of my least favorite things to do as it is a really triggering experience.  The visit went as well as it could so that is good.

I am back to feeling like there is something deeply wrong with me.

I feel such pain just hearing the word "family."  I am not particularly connected to any groups.  I have connections with people I've known for a long time, but turning to them and having support varies.

I am not sure what exactly it is I want.  I think I want to peace in my life and I don't.  I have this idea that I won't find it unless I am alone.

The coming week is going to be very demanding.  I will do my best and my main intention is to cut anything that doesn't need to happen so that I can survive. 

[Moondance]

I can relate to how you feel about the dentist Rainydiary.  And I can also relate to you when you say.

I am back to feeling like there is something deeply wrong with me.

 

[Hope67]

Dear Rainydiary,
I wanted to send you a heartfelt hug, if that's ok  I also feel triggered by the word 'family' - it brings up so many feelings - and you meantioned feeling pain hearing that word - I hear what you said, and I empathise with what you say.

I know the coming week is a demanding one for you, and I wish you the strength you need to survive it.  Your intention to cut anything that doesn't need to happen sounds like a sensible one. 

 
Hope 

[Armee]

Thinking of you this week. A bit angry you are being put in this position.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, my heart hates hearing all this. what you're going thru w/ your H, the blaming and shaming of his M, (making you responsible for her happiness), the beginning of a new school year, hoping for a T who will be a good fit for you . . . that's an awful lot.  no wonder you're feeling down about yourself - a lot of this is very demoralizing.

as far as if your couples T picks up on the family dynamic w/ your H, you can always prompt them with a question - do you think there's an unhealthy dynamic going on betw. H and his family? you know, something like that as a form of self-advocacy. i understand you wanting to get this out in the open and addressed as quickly as possible.  i mean, you've stated you're in survival mode now. that's not a good place to be.

if i'm being too forward or pushy, please ignore. love and hugs