Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

I appreciate what each of you wrote and I am not up for individual responses today.  Thank you for supporting me.
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As my summer "break" comes to a rapid close, I am reflecting that I think I've been in an EF for the majority of the summer.

Stuff with my husband flashed back to times we've had like this.  His parents coming is flashing me back to their weird gaslighting.  My cat needing vet attention sending me back to when she was really sick two summers ago.

This wasn't the summer I hoped for.  There isn't anything I can do about that other than acknowledge it. 

I realized how packed with discovery and trauma and integration and healing and pain the last four years have held.  My whole life has been that way but this time round I am facing it which brings different challenges.

I think I am grieving my summer.  As much as I like working with kids, this job takes so much out of me.  I'm at a place where I don't know if I want to keep doing it.  I've said that for a long time.  At this point I will keep doing it because I need a job and money coming in.

I am dreading the rest of this week and next.  My best hope is I am able to be so gentle with myself.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Moondance]

 

[rainydiary]

I feel more ready to respond to what you all wrote before - I did take it in and have processed.

Moondance, I appreciate the hugs and knowing I am not the only one that feels like there is something wrong with me.
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Hope, I appreciate knowing I'm not the only one with such a reaction to the word family.  Lately I've been really bothered by feeling like I don't have a family because I had such a rough start with my own family and married into a dysfunctional one.  I am drawn to the idea of chosen family and want to have connections with folks.  Also, for a long time I felt like me, my husband, and our cat count as a family but that feels invalidated by many.
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Armee, I appreciate your support.  I am tired and also recognizing anger here too.
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San, I really appreciate the suggestion of a question along the likes of "do you think that is a healthy dynamic?"  I am curious today to see what questions come up regarding family and how the therapist responds.
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I am trying to enjoy as much as I can as I feel like today is the last day where things will feel relatively ok for a while.

The rest of this month is going to be a lot to bear. 

Last night I finished my mosaic class.  I will try to post the mosaic I made to the art thread.

[sanmagic7]

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.   
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I would like to process the couples session we just had a bit.

We did talk about families and I spent most of the session crying.

I think it was good for my husband to hear some examples of what happened.  I have tried to talk to him about my past but he hasn't ever been in a place to hear me.

But now he thinks that because his family wasn't like mine, it means they were great.  And yet some of the things he was telling the counselor were weird.  He also can't recall details about his childhood.  I know he dissociates to cope.  I will say for the first time I heard him come close to expressing a criticism of his parents.  Only his dad though.  But it's still more than I've heard.

I did learn that my husband was really close to his brother that died when they were growing up.  It makes sense because they are closer in age.  It made me appreciate how big the loss is for my husband. 

Next week I will meet with the couples counselor on my own as she wants to schedule individual time with us to understand issues that are harder to bring up right now.

For now I am drained.

[rainydiary]

Today I had an appointment with a therapist to see if it would be a good fit for individual sessions.

She was really supportive and it seems like it might be a good fit.  She even asked what hadn't worked for me in the past and I shared with her why other therapy relationships have fallen through.

My in-laws will be arriving in our state tonight.  I did have a really helpful conversation with the therapist today about my experiences with my in-laws.  She believed me and accepted what I said.  She didn't even judge me when I said I need as little time with them as possible.  She gave some suggestions of things I could say when my husband and I talk later about the weekend.

Right now I am taking a break from this really unengaging presentation I am watching for work.  Grateful it is video and I can stop when I need to.  I don't think I'll be able to finish the whole thing today. 

I am feeling worn out by the day so far. 

[Armee]

I'm so happy to read that the therapist supported you and even gave some suggestions for how to manage this period coming up.

[natureluvr]

Rainy, I'm very glad you have found a supportive and nonjudgmental therapist.  That's big!  It sounds like you have received some good insights into your husband, with respect to his broher dying that he was close to. 

[Moondance]

So glad to hear your hopeful about individual therapist. 

I'm hopeful that the responsibility for it all will fall more evenly as the couples therapy goes.

I do not want to minimize how difficult this is Raindiary - it's way too much.  I so admire how you are handling it.

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you all - I am short on time right now but am feeling agitated and need to get some thoughts out of my head. 

I am at a work event.  I am deeply agitated by the way some employees speak to each other.  Processes are very unclear and when I try to ask questions based on what my experience has been, I feel like I am met with frustration and unkindness.

I'm also agitated by interactions my husband has had already had with his parents.  I don't understand why he doesn't see how awful they are.  He becomes agitated and that gets me riled up.

I hope that I can find a way to regulate.

[sanmagic7]

i hope you can, too, rainy.

i think it says a lot about your H's past that he dissociates. there's something terrible going on that maybe he can't talk about, too terrible that he has to dissociate away from it.  sounds like there's more here than meets the eye.  not excusing, just trying to understand.

people stay in abusive relationships for all kinds of reasons.  it can be hard to understand looking at it from the outside when you can see it so clearly.

i wish you didn't have to work.  love and hugs 

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.  I'll say more about how the day went.  I appreciate your support.  I've always sensed that my husband is avoiding/dissociating from something.  I hope he is able to face it at some point.  I hope the couples counselor can help us somehow have a conversation that gets us closer.
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Work was a lot today.  I think I learned a lot but am too exhausted to process.

When I got home, my husband told me his dad ran their rental car into our mailbox post.  People make mistakes but the messed up part is they didn't up front tell my husband.  They texted him later with a "by the way."

This is why I don't want them in our home and using our stuff.  They damage things and aren't careful and just have this attitude of "whoops."  It isn't taking ownership and it gets me so irate.

My husband is telling me all the plans and it is overwhelming me.  It is overwhelming me based on how annoying his parents are with all the ridiculous things they want to do and now they act. 

I will say that he is accepting my boundaries of not wanting to spend a lot of time with them. 

The next several days will be a lot harder.  Right now the best I can do is try to get some rest and do my best to face the next day.

[rainydiary]

I did not sleep well last night.

Today has been ok but I am ending it feeling like I am not a good person.

I often vent to my mom when my in-laws are here.  It makes me feel like I am no better than when I complain about my husband telling his parents things.  Also, my mom makes me feel worse because she starts in on my husband.  I've been in this pattern with her for years and I think it is time to stop.

Today I thought a lot about how the dynamics I can't stand in my husband's family are present in mine too although in different ways. 

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day.  I will spend it with them all.  I have managed to avoid seeing my in-laws up to now.  They didn't show up at an agreed upon time and so I took a nap.  Their rental car is outside our house so I'm sure they'll come in when they get back.  I am laying down and hope to fall asleep.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, those are some powerful realizations. i hope being w/ everyone went well, or as well as possible, and you got out of there relatively unscathed. thinking of you as you continue to battle your way out of all this. i hope they're gone soon. love and hugs