Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.  I appreciate your support and care.
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I slept really well last night.  That is such a rare thing but I am feeling good for it.

This week I took a course about school avoidance in students.  I hated it.  A lot of it was about how school avoidance stems from anxiety.  I hated the course because the presenters weren't engaging and I have a hard time with the way mental illness was discussed by psychologists in the videos.  I struggle with thinking that we are all just at the mercy of being "positively" and/or "negatively" reinforced.  I feel like our experience is more nuanced than that but I don't have the vocabulary or a way to explain it further than that.

I think I also hated the course because it was raising a mirror to my face.  They talked a lot about how parents may under or over accommodate a child and what those things teach children.

What this was making me think is that we aren't taught things that might help us in the long run.  Most parents don't have parenting classes or opportunities to address their own stuff before becoming parents.  We get stuck and then seek out professionals that can help us learn a different way.

I'm really struggling with how my people pleasing and lack of self advocacy is often harmful both to me and to others.  I think I am often a barrier.  This is also hard for me to process because it is also nuanced and I still feel like there are things I don't know how to articulate about without sounding defensive.

I am currently in a beautiful park on a nice day where my husband is doing a competition.  His parents are doing their thing and we haven't interacted much.  I am keeping my distance.  Today is my husband's birthday so the day will include more interaction than I care for while they perform their weirdness.  I wonder if they will call his siblings and expect them to FaceTime when we have his cheesecake.  I sincerely hope we aren't celebrating at their Air BnB because I'm not sure I can handle that.

[rainydiary]

I feel really disappointed in myself and dissatisfied with how my day went.

My in-laws are scheduled to leave tomorrow.  I had anticipated having time to myself as my husband and his parents were going to go to a National park near where we live.  However the air quality has gotten really bad due to forest fires and they opted to stay here.  I would have done the same but am also disappointed I didn't have the time to myself.  I am craving some quality alone time for myself.

Tomorrow I will have couples counseling as a solo meeting.  I'm not sure what I will say.  I suppose I don't have to have all the answers figured out before I even know what her questions will be.  Yet I have been thinking what it is I want to share with her.  But I feel really stuck.

I started work today.  I am really feeling awkward for how I see certain people and I just ramble on and on.  I really felt today how I want to participate but that I struggle to communicate with most people.  I feel like I may have come across as negative and complaining.  It makes me feel really bad.

And then coming home I had demands placed on me by my husband being here that I had anticipated not having to deal with.  I set a boundary with him tonight and it is making me uncomfortable. 

*sigh*. I feel so lost.

[Armee]

  that's a lot.

I've learned slowly overtime that I don't need to prepare for therapy. It just kind of works somehow.

[Moondance]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
You've had to cope with so much in the past few days - I am so sorry that you didn't get the time you'd hoped to have for yourself.  Sending you a hug of support and hoping that you do get some opportunity somewhere for that time you would like to have for yourself.   
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate the insight about preparedness for therapy. Thank you for supporting me.
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Moondance, I appreciate the care.
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Hope, thank you for your message of support.  It helps a lot!
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I am laying on my bed after a long day.  I am upset because my in-laws are in my house and I didn't agree to them being here.  I need time to unwind and I haven't really gotten it today.  They drrraaaaaaggggg out leaving and it is the worst.

My day started off hard because I didn't sleep well and my husband brought up a topic that I didn't want to discuss this morning.  It's ironic because we had made an agreement to not talk about difficult things before going to work because it makes the day hard.  I didn't address it in the moment but if we set boundaries we need to adhere to them.  It wasn't an agreement I necessarily wanted to make but it annoys me that he made the request and isn't following through.

Work was a bit hard today.  Of course it's nothing compared to what it will be when real demands are being placed.  One thing that is hard is that my workspace is shared with others.  It's not really big enough for all of us especially since I will be there full time.  I also don't feel like I can personalize it. 

I had my solo session with the couples counselor.  I am feeling raw after.  I am still stuck in whether I want to stay in this relationship.  Day to day a lot of things have improved because my husband is actually trying to communicate with me.  But I am still really upset and hurt by a number of things which are making me want to keep a wall around myself.  He has said some really big things that I can't move past.

I will just keep showing up and doing my best.  For now I am really tired though. I am waiting for our dishwasher to get done so that I can get some stuff ready for tomorrow.  And then I will read and head to bed.

[rainydiary]

I am processing something that happened today at work.

In June I had reached out to my supervisor to share difficulties I was having with a colleague.  My supervisor was not particularly supportive.  She invalidated my concern and basically told me there was nothing she could do.  I wasn't surprised as this colleague is highly regarded in our district simply because she has worked there for over 30 years.

Today I was sitting by a colleague at a training.  She told me that she heard my supervisor told the colleague I had shared concerns.  My stomach dropped when she said that.  It was a violation of my trust especially since she said there was nothing she could do.

I am left with a yucky taste in my mouth.  I have this vision of my supervisor and this colleague essentially making fun of me.  I don't trust my supervisor now.  I am not quite sure how to move forward as I am very upset.

I will say I felt proud of myself.  I managed the feelings coming up with this and was able to get through the day without getting a headache by obsessing over this.  I am hurting but it isn't overpowering me as much as it would have in the past.

But it makes me feel like I may need to look for a new job.  And also set some boundaries with some folks.

[Moondance]

I would find that extremely difficult to recoup from Rainydiary - how you are managing it speaks volumes to your healing, your strengths - good for you Rainydiary!

 

[Moondance]

Thinking of you Rainydiary.

 

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I appreciate you checking in and the support. 
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I am not keeping up with my journal here as I have in the past.

I am feeling very sad and low today.

My days go up and down with managing things at home and at work.  I have bright moments but generally am overwhelmed by all that is going on.

Yesterday I felt the strain of all that is being asked of me at work.  I vented to some colleagues and worry that the "boss" that was there heard it all.  I am sad that instead of being able to express how difficult this is with someone in charge, work conditions us to bottle it up and complain to colleagues.  I am feeling hard on myself for my humanity yesterday.

This morning my husband also started a conversation that turned into a fight.  Nothing has resolved and we have spent time apart today.  I try to explain to him how my emotional turmoil leaves me feeling defensive and guarded and it makes no sense to him what I am saying.

I am trying to take care today.  I am so afraid of what each day will bring and if I will be able to live up to the demands and expectations of others.  I hope I can keep growing in the kindness I show myself so that the demands of others don't feel so big...and when they do, still being kind to myself when I become overwhelmed.

[Not Alone]

 

[Moondance]

 

This resonates so much with me Feeling defensive and Rainydiary,

emotional turmoil leaves me feeling defensive and guarded and it makes no sense to him what I am saying.

Standing with you and for you during this time.

[Blueberry]

   Rainy

[Papa Coco]

Rainy,

You're tugging gently at my heartstrings. I am familiar with the anxiety and regret of having valid complaints about conditions, expressing them, and then living in personal terror that I've said something that will come back on me. I guess it is a form of a fear of retribution, and I believe it comes from how we were raised by narcissists who punished us anytime we complained or stood up to them.

What you're feeling is valid. I have felt it many times and will feel it again, I'm sure. It's part and parcel of C-PTSD. It's real and it's painful. And by sharing it with us today, I like to think you're inviting us to feel it with you, which I am happy to do. I absolutely believe that empathy is the greatest healing force in the world, and by feeling the anxiety with you, and with others on the forum, we are helping each other feel less alone with the EF.

Here's a huge virtual hug from me to you. Our healing journeys may be on individual paths, but those paths are often in parallel with each other. Look to your left and to your right, and you'll see a bunch of us going through this together. I sincerely hope to hear that your venting at work doesn't bring any trouble. It's a fear I've felt many times. It's hard to know when it feels better to vent versus to keep tucking it all down inside.

 

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, 
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Moondance, thank you for the support.  It's helpful to know when others know what I mean.
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BB, 
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Papa Coco, I appreciate how you phrased the fear.  Thank you for supporting me on my way.
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I am still very discombobulated.

I am not sleeping well due to stress.

Last night it occurred to me how I have never felt safe in any work environment.  Thus I spend all day in hypervigilance.  No wonder I come home so exhausted.

My current workspace was too full yesterday.  The hard part too is that I doubt the other folks will communicate clearly with me when they will come.  I don't think speaking to administrators about the space will help.  There isn't enough room in that school for all the things crammed in.

It makes it hard for me to feel safe and thus it will make it hard for me to create safety for the students I work with.  The amount of effort I've put in over the years to get by at work is ridiculous. 

Once again I'm asking myself what is next.  Changing jobs might change some things but the systems and strain never really change.