Rainy Journey 23

[Armee]

It is really hard and you deserve grace from your husband as you navigate this. I think you are doing really well. The news you received just a couple short weeks ago can be life altering in ways.

[Not Alone]

Yes, you have the right to be mad and to express that. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee.  I appreciate the reminder that I am still "young" in my understanding of myself and it is a lot to process.
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Thank you Not Alone.  My feelings got too big yesterday. 
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I feeling odd today - my stomach doesn't feel quite right and I am really tired.  I am potentially ill yet it could also be stress.

This morning I listed to the following podcast episode and it really gave me space for my feelings:

[url]https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/you-are-good/id1527948382?i=1000595331336[\url]

The guest on this show really put into words things I haven't been able to express and also it was another person saying things I have felt and thought so it made me feel less alone. 

The thing I felt the most is when they said something like "From one stardust to another stardust, what gets you up in the morning?"  This for me and I think this person expressed how deep of a connection we seek with others and struggle to find.

After I was so upset last night, I reflected on how my husband is responding.  He heard me and I notice adjustments.  I also wonder if he has established some sort of boundary with his family because things have really shifted as far as I can tell. 

I am still seeking ways to support myself better and it isn't going so well.  Yet.  It seems like things are moving in the right direction. 

[rainydiary]

I am currently at work waiting for a meeting.  I considered going home to attend it but it would have taken me too long in transition.  So I wait and dread the meeting - we don't have school tomorrow and I worry this meeting is going to be unhinged.  I lost my cool earlier this week at home following a similar type of meeting.

I am exhausted today.  I have not slept well this week.  I still can't tell if I feel I unwell due to stress or illness.  I heard something helpful today on podcast which was a reminder that our brain tends to hold onto a lot of information that we aren't conscious of and that that information doesn't have context.

A positive is that I received a test result that the cyst on my back was not concerning.  I received the result directly from the pathologist and had trouble deciphering what it means.  A work friend luckily framed it for me that they wouldn't have sent me that message if there was a concern - someone would have called me.

My husband and I found a house we may move toward the buying process for.  I think that is a lot of why I had trouble sleeping - jumping ahead too far in my mind.  Buying a house is so stressful.

He and I are finding better ways to communicate.  I hope this continues.

I still need something I can't quite define.  Time by myself without demands I actually think.

[rainydiary]

My work day ended roughly yesterday.

The meeting I was in didn't go as planned.  The parent did not come which should have meant that it could have moved quicker than usual.

It did not start on time which is usual for that school but a struggle for me.  I had to call in from my other school so I was the only one on a video call.

During my turn, one of the other people cut me off and moved on.  I was mostly done especially since the report I gave was landing awkwardly.  This left me feeling like my voice didn't matter.

Then the team started discussing goals for this student.  I could barely hear but felt very out of the loop.  I couldn't tell if they were waiting for me to speak.  I finally said my goal and no one cared.  So I decided to leave the meeting.  I literally just hung up. 

It seemed like the meeting was ending anyhow.  I feel bad about how I felt during that meeting and that I left abruptly even though I doubt they noticed.

[Blueberry]

I hear you. 

[Not Alone]

Glad to hear that there is no concern about your cyst. Really good news.

The possibility of buying a house is really big.

Feeling like your voice doesn't matter is an awful feeling. I hear you.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Blueberry.  I appreciate you hearing me and seeing me.
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Not Alone, thank you - this is a big topic for me and so much to unpack.
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This weekend so far has been overall good.

Not going to work makes such a huge difference.  I hope to find a way where I can step back more from that at some point.

I am not sure exactly how to write about what is on my mind.

I feel a general anger toward most other people.

I think I noticing a lack of trust in others.  Which also includes a lack of trust in myself.  Or trust that I'll just be all the things I fear - "a screw up, bad, ugly, weird, awkward" and that I don't belong anywhere.

There is a lot more for me to uncover regarding trust.  And about whatever it is I am feeling and experiencing right now.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Trust is such a massive thing - such a big area with so many connotations springing from it.  When you've spoken about your children you work with, you often mention their appreciation of your work, and I feel sure they will be trusting of you in that environment.  You engender their trust.  I think that is likely from how you've spoken about your work.  You genuinely care.  That comes across.  If you didn't care, then you'd not be affected so much by how things are amongst your colleagues and the working environment.

I feel like I'm over talking - apologies. 

I'm losing my track of thought now, but anyway, I wanted to send you a hug 

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Trust, whether of self or others, is a very important thing. We're here for you, Rainy. I feel that's something you can trust in, but that's your choice of course.  Holding open a comfy blankie and warm beverage for you. 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate the words you shared - it was not too much.  I appreciate the perspective as it helps me see trust is present even if I find it difficult in others.
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CF, I appreciate the care and support.  I do have trust here. 
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I'm not sure what to say today.  I am grumpy and unsettled.

I just got back from the doctor.  I did not understand that today would be a suture removal for my back.  My doctor told me the sutures were dissolvable and I thought they would go on their own.  I didn't see her today and it was a male physician.  If I had understood that this was the plan I would have been more resistant to seeing him because I am not comfortable with male physicians.  It's over now but the situation has left me feeling uneasy.

I asked my supervisor if we could talk about a different school assignment when it is time to do so.  She said she is already thinking about it.  I'm definitely sure I don't want to continue at my main school and I'm not sure I want to go back to my second school either.  I think that would be surprising to my colleague there.

Working with her is ok - she does the heavy lifting in the building and handles everything so it is easier on me.  But most teachers think I am her assistant and I feel like I hold back a lot because she is there full time.  I don't agree with a lot of things she does and I feel like she mothers me because she a very controlling person. 

I'm not sure what would be best moving forward.  To try different situations until one fits a bit better than the rest.  I am not sure if I want to change jobs - perhaps in the long run if I can find something closer to where I live.

I am still processing a lot and continuing to feel a lot of grief over many things. 

[rainydiary]

This day ended with disregulation and upset.

I am struggling to navigate socially at work. 

There is a visual going around on social media that has a picture of two people.

One person is wearing a shirt that says NT (for neurotypical) and the other is wearing a shirt that says Autistic.

The NT person has two speech bubbles. 

The first one says "So when you don't understand me, it's because you have poor understanding." 

The other speech bubble says "And when I don't understand you, it's because your communication style  is weird and confusing."

This is what I am feeling at work.  No matter what, I am wrong.  There is a mismatch and I struggle in unseen ways.  I am regularly misunderstood.  It sucks.

[sanmagic7]

it surely does suck, rainy.  wish it would be smoother for you.  the whole communication bit, when there is misunderstanding or an inability to understand is more than frustrating.  with you all the way on this.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I hate that that picture is going round on SM. To me it sounds like blaming and shaming. I'm sorry it reminds you of your work situation and that that's what you are exposed to at work. 

I used to struggle socially at work and am pretty sure I would again if I went back to any workplace. More  for you.

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - I am still making my way through the Unmasking Autism book and it is offering some ideas on how I can move toward being me.  I am still tired though.
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Thank you BB - I realized I might have been unclear.  The visual I wrote about was created by an autistic person to represent experiences they were having that were absolutely what you describe.  It helps me to know that I am not the only one that experiences this - it still isn't ok but I'm not alone.  I hope one day I can find a way to work without all this difficulty.  I'm not sure that's possible but it is a hope.
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I'm having trouble settling down into sleep.

Today was ok but I also realize how much does happen that I push down in the moment and process later.

I reached out to a colleague I worked with in the spring - she went to a nearby school district and I asked her about her experience there.  She said it's been positive.  That doesn't mean it would be for me but I am encouraged that she is having a good experience.  I might explore a job there and am glad I reached out to her.  The grass isn't always greener on the other side, but this time leaving would be on my terms and for reasons I am aware of and choosing if that is what I do.

I am still trying to navigate whatever is going on with my husband.  I think he is just going through his own coming to terms with whatever he has been pushing down for years.  But it's really hard - I feel compelled to both try to control and to fawn because his past management of his issues has been so traumatic for both of us.  This time does seem different.  But it is still hard and exhausting and scary.

Tomorrow I am going to try Pilates.  Annoyed because they require socks with grip for the machines in the class - I ordered some but they won't arrive until tomorrow after the class.  They have some for purchase at the Pilates place...but that was what I was trying to avoid.  Nothing I can do about it now.  Hoping that the workout may be something I can get into.