Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

I finally slept last night only to suddenly wake at 3:30 am.  I'm not sure what is going on with the insomnia.  It could be hormones, stress, changes in my routine, my brain's need to process, or a combination of all.  I also think reading nonfiction before bed never works very well for me.

I was in a dark place for a number of hours at the start of the day.  I am still sorting out so much and I think I am also impatient for changes I am slowly making to have a greater impact. 

Today was a full day.  I enjoyed Pilates a lot and plan to go back.  My husband and I viewed 3 houses.  None of them really worked for us.  I challenged myself to ask him more questions rather than assume his internal experience.  It is difficult though.

I am exhausted right now and hope that I will fall and stay asleep tonight.

My husband and I toured 3 houses.  None of them really worked for us. 

[sanmagic7]

that sleeping (or non-sleeping) stuff can be a puzzler.  i hope you got better rest last nite, rainy.  also glad you liked pilates.  well done for going for something different to satisfy your physical exercise requirements.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, yes it can.  I would also say my sleep is impacted by how dark it is where I live.  The sunrise is much later than I am used to and is taking a toll.  I hope this all evens out.
.........
I am weary at the thought of work tomorrow.  I just simply don't want to go.  19 weeks until the end of this school year.

I am contemplating finding a new job.  I would like to leave one job in a "normal" way.  All of my resignations have been flaming balls of fire that most likely burned bridges.

I have understanding now of why and what led me to those places.  I mostly want a fresh start in a new district now knowing I am autistic.  But, I am sort of waiting until our house buying is more resolved so that I know where we will live and I can try to get a job closer to our home.

My one year anniversary of living in this state is coming up.  So much has changed and the dust isn't settled yet.

[rainydiary]

At work and wishing I could leave.  I have a meeting after the school day ends that I need to stay for.

Nothing in particular has been wrong today, I am just very tired.

I was reflecting on the prompt I mentioned previously that I got from the Unmasking Autism book about times I felt truly alive.

The first memory that came to mind was when I was a young child.  I must have either been preschool or Kindergarten age.  I might even have been younger.  I would sit in the closet in my room and listen to tapes that read a story which I followed along in a book.  They were Disney stories.  What felt cozy to me was being in the closet away from others and listening over and over to the stories.

I don't think me doing that was ever shamed by my family surprisingly.  They were probably glad I was occupied and out of their hair.  I was thinking about this memory because it was a time I felt truly content and I have a closet in my apartment that I really want to lay inside of. 

Hopefully I'll be able to leave to go home in about an hour.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy,
Memories like that are good to think back to - I hope you are able to enjoy laying inside your closet in your apartment after work - maybe you are already doing that.  I can't work out how long ago it was that you wrote your journal entry - as it says 10 33 pm and my time scale is different being in a different place geographically - but - maybe you are home now and relaxing. 

Wishing you some nice relaxing times   
Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Rainy,

How wonderful that you got to feel that memory of being happy. I have no problem recreating my own happy times. If the privacy and coziness of sitting in the privacy of your own closet and listening to audiobooks gives you peace and happiness, I think you should do it all you want to.

You said it was something your family never gave you grief over. That might mean there are no EFs attached to it. It was a pure form of solace that no one ruined for you. So I think you ought to keep doing it!

Bringing back the simple joys of my childhood has been a big deal for me as of late. I resonate with three activities that always gave me peace when I was young...so I am reviving them now. I'm 62 years old and I've taken up playing with Legos again. Legos was one of the things that made me very happy when I was a child. I ride a bike around town because it makes me feel happy like it did when I was 14. I build things out of Legos because it made me happy when I was 6-15. I even collect toy cars because my toy cars made me so happy when I was a child. In each of these activities, I was able to exit from the cruelty of the world around me. Each of them was an escape that worked before and now I find they work again. I have no EFs when I do these three things because I have no bad memories attached to any of them.

I say, if it feels good, DO IT!  Put a big, fluffy floor pillow in the closet, dial up a fun audiobook, and give yourself the joy that has proven itself to work for you.

[Not Alone]

Hope your meeting went well and that you're able to relax tonight.

[CrackedIce]

Hey Rainy!

Thanks for sharing that memory!  It made me feel warm and safe just thinking about it, and I'm glad that you were able to recall it and hopefully can use it as an anchor in the future.

Have a good week!

[rainydiary]

Hope, I haven't taken steps to lay in the closet.  It is full of stuff and there isn't a carpet in it.  But perhaps I could clear it out a bit and find a way to cozy in.
......
Thanks PC - I have been getting into Legos too and realized there is an adult Legos club I could join.  I don't have the courage yet but perhaps soon.  I appreciate your encouragement.
......
Not Alone, thank you - I think the meeting went well enough.  These meetings are taking a toll. I have about 25 more of them to go this school year.  I say about because it's possible more will come up.  I appreciate the support.
.....
CrackedIce, I appreciate the thought.  I think an anchor would be a good way to consider this.  It's interesting I like this and generally don't like being in small closed spaces otherwise.
...........
I've been wondering if I should continue to write in a journal here.  I haven't been as engaged of late here.  And yet I do care about you all and I have learned and gained a lot from being here.  I think it's ok if my relationship is changing to the forum.

Today I went to the dentist and that one of my least favorite things.  I don't like the hygienist they have set me up with.  I like hygienists that don't talk much and this person is not that.  She also loves to seek out problems with my teeth and ask leading questions that I don't understand what she is trying to get at.  I am sure I could ask for someone else but am not sure I'm there yet.

She said something today that really grinded my gears.  She was asking about me living here and where my family is.  Then she said something like,  "Oh you're here on your own."  Her meaning was that I'm not near family. 

*sigh*. Yup.  That's right.  It is so exhausting to talk to people that can't understand why one wouldn't want to be surrounded by family. 

Other things are going on that I'm too tired to think about.  I haven't been sleeping well and hope that will shift soon. 

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, rainy. If your relationship to the forum changes, that's fine and just a part of growth and healing. Just know we're here for you no matter how often you post or not. I've learned a lot and treasured all your posts. Gentle hugs if you want them.

[Papa Coco]

Rainy,

I support your concerns about how much or little to use the forum.  The beauty of it is that if you choose to back away for a while, you're not burning any bridges. It's not like quitting a job. You are always able to return to using it more in the future any time you feel so inclined.

I've taken long breaks. They were good for me. Then when I decided it was time to return, my friends were all still here.

And I also like a hygienist who doesn't "interrogate me" while I'm in the chair. A little quiet is a good thing. I also hate it when people try to tell me I should be close to my family. Sometimes I say, "Maybe if I had a family like yours, I'd agree." Sometimes that shuts them up.

Take care. 

[rainydiary]

CF, I appreciate the support.  I had a revelation today that I think helps me understand my feelings a bit more.
.....
PC, I appreciate this and it makes sense.  I also like the line about family.  I think this lady thought she was making me feel welcome but when she had to keep stopping so I could answer a question especially about my personal life that she then judged, it was just too much.  This is only my 2nd time at this dentist and I didn't have the same dentist both times so maybe time I'll see a different hygienist.
.........
Whew, I had a big cry today that I've been needing.  It brought relief although I think I am going to struggle to fall asleep tonight.

I was watching an adaptation of Jane Austen's Persuasion on Netflix.  That is my favorite Jane Austen story.  It has over time helped me get in touch with my feelings and today was no different.

I've been really upset over the job I left in October 2021 and realized today I am still blaming myself the abuse, gaslighting, meanness I experienced.  I keep telling myself "if only I'd done this...."  Nothing would have helped.  I didn't do anything wrong outside of being a human.  I think what is eating at me is that it feels like the whole thing didn't happen.  I feel deeply humiliated and ashamed still by my experience there.

This weekend my husband and I toured a house that I rather liked.  I am thinking of the backyard.  I would lay out on the grass and watch the birds.  I am attached but also feeling mad at myself for being so because this is such an uncertain process.

There was a lot of activity at the open house and it's very likely even if we submit an offer it won't be chosen.  My husband is also frustrating me in this process.  Whatever he is going through is coming out in challenging ways and he is already avoidant in how he deals with things.  The house isn't perfect but it was the first one we've viewed where I felt comfortable.

Our plan is let our realtor know our offer tomorrow.  The sellers are going to review offers tomorrow afternoon.  I don't see how we will be accepted as we are planning to offer under their asking price. 

I am all discombobulated right now and not sure how I will settle into sleep.

[rainydiary]

I came home early today from work.  I got to a point where my entire being said "get the f@$k out of here." 

I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief.  I knew I would cry if I stayed.

I argued with myself for a while before finally deciding to go.

On my way home I cried some.  I had a big cry when I came home.

I'm not entirely sure what this was all about.  Part of it was that our offer on the house was not accepted and I am grieving that.  I think I am grieving other things too that I can't really put into words.

Progress I think that I came home instead of forcing myself to stay. 

[Armee]

It sounds like the right decision to have come home. I hope the cry is healing at least in part.

[Blueberry]

Good going rainy that you came home instead of forcing yourself to stay! Good self-care

I'm sorry your offer on the house wasn't accepted. I want to give you a big hug