Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support Armee.
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Thank you BB - I found out that a meeting that I was worried about missing and considering forcing myself to stay for wasn't worth my time.  I appreciate the hug - things will work out homewise.
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I am really activated right now and am trying to fall asleep.

What set me off into a spiral is that I lost an earring today.  I didn't notice until I was getting ready for bed.  I did so many different things today it's hard to say when I lost it.  I am really upset that it is gone.  I wear the same earrings every day so a lot of my stress is "what will I wear tomorrow?"  I have other earrings but this unexpected change is throwing me off.

I don't even know how to find the words for this, but I have this idea that objects like earrings carry memories.  I have some earrings that my dad gave me and some my grandma passed along to me.  They are lovely earrings but I hate wearing them because they make me think of them.  Losing an earring to me feels like time to let some things go.  I don't know if that makes any sense but it is something I think about when I lose earrings (as this happens from time to time).

As I reflect this evening, I think a lot of my upset is an EF I didn't recognize all day.  I went to the eye doctor and opted to buy some new glasses from them.  The person helping me select glasses informed me that glasses I've been choosing for myself for years don't quite work because of their size and something about the position of my eyes within the lenses (I didn't really understand what she meant).  I allowed her to help me select some different glasses but the whole thing left me feeling ridiculous.  I am willing to try her way out but I also found it upsetting and gaslighting. 

Glasses are a sensitive area for me too as I started having trouble seeing the board at school in 5th grade.  I told my mom and she didn't believe me.  It got worse and worse.  I remember somehow in 6th grade I ended up in the nurse's office having this very difficult conversation with the nurse (or whoever the person was).  I remember them saying "How can you even see the board?"  The way they made me feel is like it was my fault.  I had told my mother and because of her own weird vanity or whatever with glasses, I had trouble seeing for a year before someone at my school finally forced my mom to notice.  I think of so many times where I did try standing up for myself and people didn't listen.  Instead the narrative became "Rainy doesn't speak up for herself."

What a sad and untrue thing to carry all this time. 

[Not Alone]

I think of so many times where I did try standing up for myself and people didn't listen.  Instead the narrative became "Rainy doesn't speak up for herself."

What a sad and untrue thing to carry all this time.

That is huge. It is sad. Truth: you did stand up for yourself and people didn't listen. Very sad.

I commend you for your self-care by leaving work early when you felt like you couldn't stay longer.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy,
I am so sorry that you lost that earing - and I completely get what you say about the meaning of objects and what they represent and mean.  I hope that it will perhaps turn up and you'll find it again.

I also think that the person helping you select the glasses could have been kinder in their advice to you. 

I hope you will have a nice weekend.  I was glad that you left that meeting early, because I think that showed great self-care.

Sending you a hug Rainy - I felt sad when you said 'Rainy doesn't speak up for herself' - I hope you can cast that off because I agree it's a sad and untrue thing to carry - here's the hug 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate the support and validation.  I think it will be important moving forward to remind myself that I do speak up and always have tried. 
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Hope, I appreciate your support and care.  The hug and validation are welcome.
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This weekend hasn't felt especially restful.  I haven't been able to turn off my brain about work.  I am worried about a number of things mostly the reaction to an email I sent.  Maybe tomorrow will feel different.

I am still reading through the Unmasking Autism book.  Some of the information has been helpful and some doesn't land for me.  The author shared one person's experience with heavy exercise.  That person found hard exercise to be triggering of past trauma. 

It made me wonder if I have run all these years to keep my body in a certain level of stress.  I have not missed running at all since taking a break.  I like being active but really think running has not been a positive at all times.  I'm not sure if I will go back to it.

I am finding that wearing earplugs when I am sleeping generally helps if my brain feels too active.  For a long time I've been afraid to wear earplugs to bed because of something I saw on YouTube a long time ago.  This couple on YouTube had this really traumatic experience where the husband became critically ill and his wife happened to wake up and was able to provide support until an ambulance came.  I've been afraid my husband will need my help overnight and I won't hear with earplugs in.  I broke the cycle of this worry by saying out loud that this was worrying me and it hasn't been as big for me.

I am going to read for a while and then sleep.

[Blueberry]

I think of so many times where I did try standing up for myself and people didn't listen.  Instead the narrative became "Rainy doesn't speak up for herself."

What a sad and untrue thing to carry all this time.

That is huge. It is sad. Truth: you did stand up for yourself and people didn't listen. Very sad.

I commend you for your self-care by leaving work early when you felt like you couldn't stay longer.

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you BB. 
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Today I have had this overwhelming sense that I live my life wrong.  I think some of it is I don't feel like I belong anywhere.  I feel like I belong with myself and continue to feel my best when alone.  I also think I am still processing that I am autistic. 

I had a good morning - my husband and I visited a new area of our state and it was pleasant.  The rest of the day felt blah.  It might have been habitual stress of worrying about Monday but thankfully I don't have work tomorrow.

I am trying to find my way forward in a way that feels more supportive to me.  I think I expect too much of myself too fast.  I mostly just want to live without feeling so bad about myself.

[sanmagic7]

i want you to live w/o feeling bad about yourself, too, rainy.  it's a terrible feeling to believe you don't belong anywhere, can't be part of a group cuz you're 'too different'.  i remember all the struggles i've had w/ being social, trying to make small talk w/ others that just didn't 'land' with them, and feeling like i was doing it all wrong. 

i've come to determine that folks like us are NOT doing it all wrong, just differently.  we may be different from non-autistic people, but that doesn't make us wrong.  we are gloriously different in how we see and function in the world.  i think accepting such a difference w/in ourselves can be truly challenging but not impossible.  you are a warmhearted, caring, intelligent human being.  how can that be 'wrong'?

and congrats to you for seeing running as something that might not be a good thing for you.   love and hugs, rainy.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the care and support and validation.  I think I am still growing and there is a lot to integrate.  I hope to find some connections outside of work that would be supportive but am stuck in that process. 
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Today has been something and it unfortunately isn't over.  I have a meeting that I think will be ok but would rather not do it today.

I have just had a series of weird experiences that collectively feel like too much today.  I also don't feel heard or valued at work.  I'm getting the vibe that I am "being too much" so it feels like time to pull it back in for a while.

I'm not sure what to say about it at this point.  I'm over being reactive but it's only because no one is talking to me. 

I am especially stressed about some meetings tomorrow that are taking up too much energy and time. 

I was trying to problem solve how to support myself.  I considered taking a half day off work.  That would work better for
me if I got to leave work early - these meetings are in the afternoon and I don't want to stay home only to come in later.  So I decided that I will skip a meeting in the morning that I'm "supposed" to do and get some things done since my afternoon will be taken over by other people's agendas.

[rainydiary]

This week continues to feel hard.  Reducing my workload today seemed to help.

One thing I've been upset about lately is a class I signed up for a local community college was cancelled due to low enrollment.  The topic was Celtic Folklore.  I had really been looking forward to it.  I still haven't gotten past my disappointment.  I am hoping they offer something similar in the future.

I write about that because I realize most of the leisure activities I do are so physically focused.  I would like to find balance with other things.

I am not feeling my best this week and feel a lot of anger today. 

[sanmagic7]

o rainy, i hate cancellations of things i've been looking forward to.  it feels like a disruption of some sort in my plan moving forward.  i also hope they offer it again so you can attend. 

hang tough, my dear, ok?  i know it's felt messy, but you continue on, and i give you so much credit for that.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your support.  Part of me had been really worried about having enough energy to do the course but I still wanted to learn the information just for the sake of learning.  I'm waiting for them to release the schedule for their next set of classes and hope something turns up. 
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I am really drained this evening.

We had a 2 hour delay today at my school.  I wanted to just stay home but needed to be part of a meeting later in the day.  So I went and got a lot of paperwork done.  It was mostly nice to not have a rushed day but I had a few experiences that I am feeling my terrible about.

One was with a student.  He and his groupmate and I tried an experiment - we mixed baking soda and shaving cream together to make "snow."  In retrospect, this was a terrible idea to do today.  This student was already disregulated from the delay and having to shift to a different class because his teacher was absent with no substitute.  He was having a lot of sensory discomfort or unease or something with the activity.  It was also making a bigger mess than I expected.  He started grabbing some of the mixture and trying to move it to the trash which was making a huge mess. 

So I reached out and placed my hand on his hand to get him to stop.  I felt so terrible that I did this because I don't believe in touching others without their consent.  I also didn't want to get "in trouble" for the mess we were making.  But I regret reaching out like that.  He seemed to move on and even drew some rainbows.  But I made a lot of mistakes today.

The meeting I had to be part of was so awful.  The family dynamic was so off putting and they have a young autistic child who benefits from a lot of support.  The way they spoke about this child and their plans to uproot their family to take him to a school that I think will most likely be traumatizing to their child.  This child approached me for a hug and we had a "conversation" (not sure what he was telling me) but I think he felt understood (and recognized a fellow autistic person).  It was hard for me to experience this.

Then at home I feel so irritated with my husband.  I don't understand what is going on with him.  I am trying to do my own job of being myself and advocating for myself while he sorts himself out. 

[rainydiary]

Today was ok although busy.  I also had a few interactions that left me not feeling great.  One is about a student whose behavior is difficult.  He and I work well together but he did not have a good day overall.  It really pains me because he clearly needs something he isn't getting and I wish I understood.  I hate how other adults speak to him and about him and the face of the person today made me so upset.

I realized tonight that next Wednesday is going to be hard.  I have a meeting about the student I just mentioned and another student whose needs are also challenging to meet.  I'm worried about being accused of not having done enough for him.  Having both of those in the same day while I'm also supposed to present to my colleagues and meet with students is going to be hard. 

I think what I realize is that I'll mask well enough at work but will come home and have a meltdown.  I am going to try to make a plan next week to manage this day. 

On a different note, I found the earring I thought I had lost.  It was in my apartment.  I am not sure what happened to the back but I found the main part.  I felt a bit lighter for finding it and also foolish that I ordered a ton of other earrings.  Although I love some of the new ones I got. 

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry that the class that you were looking forward to was cancelled.

Yea that you found your earring. Enjoy those earrings that you bought.

I hear all the stress that you are experiencing at work with concern for students, meetings, relationships with coworkers. It is all a lot to handle. The skill and care that you give to your students is meaningful and significant. You probably can't know all the needs and issues that they are experiencing, but what you do give to them matters.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate your care and support.
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I am not doing well this evening.

My husband and I went to an open house today.  I really liked the house.  It is out of reach price wise.  Sometimes things stay on the market long enough for price reduction but I don't think that will be the case with this house.  I try to not get attached but I still do and am grieving something I never had.

I also realize how hard the coming week will be.  It won't only be one day.  I have too many meetings that occur after school and I can't bear it.  I will have to look for places I can cut corners in order to survive.

I am back to wondering how the heck I can continue to do this work.  The systems I am in are so toxic.  I try to talk to others about it but it feels like I am not heard or they don't want to acknowledge the toxicity. 

I often feel like no one in my life understands a single thing I say.  It makes me feel like I am an alien and that I am out of touch and have no concept of how to be. 

This is probably an EF of some form that I am not recognizing. 

[Not Alone]

I'm sad that you are feeling so alone and not heard. I know those feelings and it's awful. I care about you Rainy.