Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

Recently my autocorrect made journal to journey and I like that for this year.

Today was a chill day - a special breakfast, a hike in a new place, and rest.  I also connected with other speech therapists online about how they approach supporting themselves in our work.  One person shared their experiences with requesting accommodations from their school district.  It was helpful although I am afraid of taking that step for myself.

Something regarding work has been becoming clearer and I will try to put to words what I am noticing. 

School and relationships growing up were not easy but work has always been where my differences are most notable and where I experience the most difficulty.

I have not had a single job in my life (including babysitting and lifeguarding as a teen) where I didn't experience some sort of "what's her deal?" and covert shaming by others.  That leads me to today where my brain and body are convinced I cannot be a worker and that I will always be a target.  This isn't entirely misguided - there is a lot of evidence for it.  There is also evidence against it - I have obtained a number of jobs and voluntarily (even if some of that volunteering was after a lot of bullying) left. 

I hope some of this year is me radically changing my relationship to work.  Now that I understand I am autistic and live with CPTSD, I believe I can figure out how to better support myself. 

[Armee]

I truly truly hope that knowing that you are autistic and possibly being able to disclose this at work will help people work with you in a better way and that you will be able to identify and recieve accommodations that will assist in being able to stay in the workforce with less damage to yourself. You are good at your work.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i think your realizations about yourself will become strengths in guarding and protecting yourself.  love and hugs filled w/ personal power.

[Snowdrop]

I hope some of this year is me radically changing my relationship to work.  Now that I understand I am autistic and live with CPTSD, I believe I can figure out how to better support myself. 

This sounds positive, Rainy. I'm sure that recognising this will make it easier to find the support you need.

[Not Alone]

I am for you. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate all of you - I am a bit overwhelmed right now and not able to respond individually.
.........
I made it through the first day back.  Tomorrow will most likely be more challenging.

I am overwhelmed because I'm hurt and also indifferent and also other things I don't have words for.

Today is my wedding anniversary.  I've been married for 12 years. 

My husband didn't remember that it is our anniversary until his parents texted us to say something about the anniversary. 

First of all, receiving texts from my in-laws is weird.  They never text me and of all the things they choose to commemorate.....  The other weird part is they both individually texted.  A group text would have been fine.  I hated receiving these texts today.  I suppose I should count myself lucky they don't text me more often.

I am hurt that my husband doesn't ever remember our anniversary or my birthday.  I don't need gifts and also I have over time learned to not have expectations for celebrations of anything.  If I want to celebrate, I do it myself.  In general I don't have a celebratory side because growing up there wasn't much to celebrate and I would say my husband had it to the extreme.  His family is disgusting around holidays.  But it still hurts that we haven't found a compromise and that he doesn't mark milestones.

In my ways my husband has been someone that has given me space to be myself and be on the journey I'm on.  But it often feels like it is out of indifference or avoidance.  He has shifted some over the years based on me sharing my experiences and yet still is who he is.

Being married is really hard.  I don't fool myself that another relationship would be easy.  I am not sure I should have gotten married.  I got married without understanding myself very well and married into a whole mess.

I don't have any strong or clear feelings about how to move forward.  I think time and continuing to say what I need.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i'm very sorry in my heart that your H doesn't acknowledge such important anniversaries.  i actually feel angry w/ him because of it.  they may seem to be small things to some, but to me, at least, that kind of remembrance is very important.  it's like an acknowledgment of being seen, being known.  ugh.  love and hugs, and happy anniversary.

[Armee]

 

That's hurtful Rainy. I'd feel the same way, both about the fact your H refuses to remember or mark your anniversary and birthday and about the text.

[milkandhoney11]

I am so incredibly sorry, Rainy.
I am not the greatest fan of birthdays, holidays etc. because I don't like to be the centre of attention and I never know how to react (somehow I find it almost painful to be receiving presents because part of me feels like I don't deserve them) but the only thing that is worse is to be completely forgotten.
I remember one birthday that I spent completely alone and not a single person congratulated me or sent any wishes except for my parents living a thousand miles away in a different country. I felt so incredibly lonely that day and it triggered one of the worst flashbacks and suicidal episodes I ever had because it made me feel so terribly worthless, as if nobody cared and my presence was completely useless.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand how hurtful it can be if people don't remember your birthday or anniversary etc. but of course I'm not married so I can only imagine how terrible it must be if your own partner refuses to remember important things like this.
You deserve to be loved and cherished and you deserve to celebrate days like these with your significant other. So, I totally understand that it hurts your feelings when he forgets. But (for me) the worst part is that he seems to be showing no regret or remorse whatsoever. From what you have written, he doesn't seem to acknowledge that he has hurt your feelings and he is not trying to make amends, which makes me feel very angry at him.
Even if you say birthdays and anniversaries are not a big deal to you, I still think that you deserve to be treated better.
Being married for such a long time is a big achievement and you have probably had to deal with a lot of highs and lows, so I feel like celebrating your anniversary together would be such a wonderful time to reflect on that and acknowledge what you do for each other and it's sad that you don't get to do that.
So, if you feel ready, maybe you can try and tell him how this made you feel and you could try to make him aware of what it is you need. I can only imagine how hard it must be to have a conversation like this, but I'm afraid I can't think of any other advice right now.
If you want and it feels right, I'll join you in celebrating you and your anniversary, though 

[rainydiary]

Thank you all - I appreciate the support and care.
.........
This day is already so overwhelming.

I did not sleep well and had odd dreams.

Anxiety woke me up. 

I do not want to work today. 

I am in my car waiting for a meeting. 

Wednesdays are rough because the schedule is different every week and it never works very well.

I am anxious that I have messed up at my main school.  I am anxious trying to meet deadlines with unclear expectations.

Some of this anxiety is expected as I always struggle with the transition between break and work.

I hope things go smoother today than my brain thinks it will.

[sanmagic7]

hoping for that along with you, rainy.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Hoping it's as smooth as possible for you!  Gentle hugs

[rainydiary]

San and CF, thank you. 
...........
Wednesday went relatively ok.  I did share my diagnosis with my fellow speech therapists.  I felt vulnerable after doing that as I think it shocked some people.  My workday went ok.

Today was relatively ok.  And now I am all worried about tomorrow.  I have several situations I don't really know how to navigate that are taking up too much energy. 

I hope I will sleep ok tonight.  My sleep hasn't been great this week.

[rainydiary]

Really struggling this morning.

I did not sleep very well and am so unsettled about the day ahead.

I do not feel competent when I go to work at this school.  There are specific things stressing me that I don't know how to resolve.

[Armee]