Rainy Journey 23

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, rainy. just sitting with you for whatever you need. 

[Snowdrop]

Oh Rainy, I feel for you.

Well done for listening to yourself over the training.

The prompt you mention sounds hard. I wonder if it might be something that those of us with cptsd might find hard in general. I'm sure 2 is fine. I wonder if the important thing is the thought you've put into it, and more might surface in time.

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  I will reflect on this more but I think I want to explore ways of existing and using my body that I haven't explored.
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CF, I appreciate the care, it is appreciated.
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Snowdrop, I appreciate support.  I think 2 memories is ok and maybe more will come.
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I am feeling emotional as I get ready for bed.  This is a weird day historically.

Today is my paternal grandmother's birthday.  She is my only living grandparent.  She is also mean and I have never really liked her as she has always made comments about my appearance.  She and my dad also have a very difficult relationship and it's no wonder he was such a terror after being raised by her.  I sent her a message for her birthday but it feels pointless.

On this day 9 years ago I was driving and crashed the car with me, my husband and our cat on a highway.  This was during an especially difficult period in our ever difficult relationship.  I am still both grateful and sickened that the damage was to our car.  I didn't hit any other cars or people and I am grateful for that.  It was still incredibly traumatic and I still feel sick about it from time to time.  I had to go to court too and pay a fine a few months after that happened which was also traumatic.

This is also the first year in a while where my husband and I didn't spend this long weekend in our favorite town in our old state.  I miss that place - I felt alive when I was there.  I'm not sorry to have moved states but I miss that place.

Generally I am ok.  Glad to be done running and wondering why I do it.  I want to try other activities and feel more connected to myself.

I found a writer who speaks a lot about marriage and inequity in household management.  It is giving me insight about how long I've put up with things that were hurting me.  I feel so ashamed and ridiculous.  I won't say my husband is all bad because he isn't.   He is also an intelligent person that has proven time and time again to be able to build relationships at work and who people like.  And yet at home?  Much left to be desired.

I still don't feel strongly that I need out.  Because when I am more direct about how he is acting he has made changes.  Is it enough?  I don't know.  I need to develop more connections outside of my marriage.  I think I am slowly getting there.  I think he also needs to do that too but I can't be in charge of that. 

I keep wondering if I made a mistake.  Why I felt so sure deep down that this was worth it.  I trusted my gut with him and now maybe what I'm feeling is distrust in myself.  I didn't care about myself or know that relationships weren't supposed to hurt so much. 

Things are shifting generally in my life and I hope I am growing. 

[Armee]

I believe you are definitely growing. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your support Armee.
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Today has been weird and I am unsettled.

I had a medical appointment scheduled for the afternoon and I decided I would take a half day at work.

Well what I didn't know is that the system for entering absences at work has a cut off for the day.  I do not understand this as people could get sick during the day and need to go home....then what?  I emailed people to let them know I'd be out and I guess I don't care if they end up not entering my sick time because then I'd have that for later.  I think it is a terrible system though.  I'm sure there is a very specific reason this is the case.

I went to my appointment which was to remove a cyst on my back.  My doctor had given me the impression this was optional and wouldn't be a big deal.  My intuition was to get it removed.

The appointment began with the front desk asking me to fill out two forms.  One asked if I have a disability and there was a list.  Technically I think autism fit into one of the categories they had but because I didn't understand why I was being asked (I was told these were state mandated questions) I said "None."  I felt a lot of shame for that but also don't want to disclose information without knowing how this is being used.

The other question was about my gender identity.  Again, I don't understand why I was being asked. 

Then I get my vitals taken by the medical assistant and felt a lot of shame that I've gained weight since November when I last saw the doctor. 

Finally my doctor comes to start the procedure.  She is really struggling and then says she might have to refer me to a dermatologist because the cyst didn't seem to be what she thought.  My thinking went a bit wild because I couldn't handle the thought of having to schedule another appointment and still having that thing on my back.

She asks if I am ok with a larger incision and I said yes.  She went to get a colleague to help her problem solve.  It was unnerving when the other doctor came in and said "interesting" in response.  It felt like they didn't know what they were dealing with.

My doctor finally removed it by cutting it off and will send the tissue to the lab to make sure it isn't something concerning.

I'm not particularly worried as their updated working theory is that it is a collection of fat cells.  But I felt validated for persisting in having it removed just in case it is something concerning.

But now I have this incision with stitches in my back and I have to restrict my movement a bit while it heals.  I also have a blister on my foot that makes even walking uncomfortable.  And meanwhile I am struggling to find a new fitness routine that feels more body positive and affirming to me.

That whole experience was just too much.  And not how I wanted to start my weekend.

[sanmagic7]

sitting with you, rainy, warm blanket and hot beverage.  so much going on, so many changes.  hopefully we can relax a bit, just enjoy ourselves for a little while so things can settle.  just breathe.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Medical stuff is so stressful and draining even when it isn't about anything serious or scary!  Thinking of you with warm thoughts and the hope that you have settled and found some comfort

[Not Alone]

Going through the medical procedure and the responses of medical staff does sound like "too much." I hope you are able to rest physically and emotionally this weekend.

[rainydiary]

Thank you San, Bach, and Not Alone for the care.  My back has been sore and it keeps making me think "the body keeps the score."  I'll be ok but that set a weird tone I haven't quite moved past.
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I decided to write because I need to vent a frustration.

I am in bed, reading, and noticed a colleague sent a work text not long ago.  That crosses a line as her message is not an emergency.  I am deeply annoyed by her message and will respond on Monday.

Today my husband and I met with a realtor.  I have my questions about our relationship and I also see us making growth. 

He helped me care for my back today because I can't reach the incision site.  He has also been helping me more around the house and I've been releasing my need to control so much. 

I hope tomorrow is a gentle day.  I am feeling uneasy about work and considering if I need to find a new job.  I might wait until we actually buy a home so I know where to focus my search.  Either way I do want to request different schools next school year. 

For now hoping I can ease into sleep.

[Snowdrop]

The procedure and the staff responses sound unnerving and stressful. I hope you have a good sleep and your back's less sore when you wake up. Sending you a very gentle hug.

[Blueberry]

That's a lot going on rainy, a whole lot of stress. I hope you managed to sleep. 

[rainydiary]

Snowdrop, I appreciate the care and hug. 
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BB, I appreciate your support. 
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Today has been a well rounded day however as I prepare for bed I am really dreading the prospect of work.

I made a list of things I hope to try out in the long term: Pilates, stand up paddle boarding, kayaking, taking a personal interest course at the community college (there is one about Celtic Folklore I am really interested in), and to develop a swimming routine. 

I am realizing how much of my leisure time is related to being physically active.  I do like to move my body yet I would also like to engage a different part of myself.

Right now with work and unpredictability with my work schedule some weeks as well as preparing to buy a house, I don't want to commit too much outside of my routines right now.  I don't want to make decisions like that long term but right now it is what I can handle in order to get through.

I am tempted to seek a new job however also want to see where we end up buying a house.

[rainydiary]

Starting off the day with a sore heart when I consider relationships with other people.

I'm thinking of one person I talk to a lot at work and am noticing how one sided our communication is.  She is a person that a lot of people confide in and she loves to give advice and be in the know.  And yet, she does not share of herself.  I am feeling frustrated by her and with myself because this is a kind of person I tend to be "close" to and it sucks.  My intention is offer her less because she simply doesn't see me as someone to confide in and it feels gross.

I'm also frustrated my colleagues at my main school this morning.  No matter how many times I ask or communicate boundaries, they blow through them.  For me this is a sign that at the very least I cannot return to this school. 

I am generally reflecting on how I don't feel like I belong.  I think this is a side effect of not recognizing CPTSD and autism in myself for so long.  I haven't been being myself. 

So, hoping for the best today.  I am tired as my cat was really active for some reason last night and I don't ever sleep as well on work nights.

[Bermuda]

I am sorry your day has been hard. Here for you if you need to vent to someone without judgement.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the care, Bermuda.
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Well this evening is off to a rough day.

Had a huge meltdown when I got home. 

My husband says I am yelling at him when really I am speaking loudly....and also I can be mad. 

I am having a lot of trouble with his avoidance.  I am also having a lot of trouble communicating directly with him.

I am just overwhelmed by life and wish I had so many different things.  It is so painful to have not understood yourself so long.