[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate your support.  I believe I was in an EF before and on the other side now.  I do often feel misunderstood and unheard but I do think my presence makes a difference even if I can’t always see or accept it.
……….
I am feeling emotionally better today.  I just saw that house I like is still on the market.  It might not be tomorrow but it’s presence gives me hope. 

What I am trying to remember is that I have endured hard weeks before.  Part of me often feels like I won’t be able to and sometimes reminding myself that I will find a way to manage is helpful.

I also recognize that I really want to be mean to others.  I want to make them uncomfortable and hurt for hurting me.  And yet, the truth is that most people are probably struggling too.  I need boundaries while also practicing compassion for myself and others. 

I think the moment that started my EF was a facial expression of a colleague.  She was putting on this stern face when I went to pick up my student whose behavior is so challenging.  I struggle because I agree he shouldn’t hit his teacher or cuss at her…and I also wonder why the heck his nervous system is so out of control.  He and I co-regulate but it doesn’t carry over to class.  All the same, that stern face triggered me and I think is generally unhelpful.

There are 5 school weeks until spring break.  To start getting closer to that, I will do my best to show up tomorrow and do what I can.

One thing I want to get out of my brain - my mom texted me yesterday to say she fell.  It sounded pretty bad.  Of course she probably won’t go to the doctor.  And instead is saying stuff like “this happened for a reason, there is something I need to pay attention to.”  I notice that I tend to speak about things like that too.  But if she is hurt I hope she gets help.  Being pulled into that was annoying.

[Larry]

    spring break sounds nice,  you deserve a break ,  i hope you enjoy your day !

[rainydiary]

Thank you Larry - I appreciate your support.
………
I am exhausted from today.

I decided during a presentation at work to share about my autism diagnosis.  I felt it was relevant given the topic.  When I sit in meetings and listen to people share their biased and stigmatized views of autism, I feel compelled to speak in when I can to help us take steps toward more responsiveness and support for autistic people.

At the same time, speaking openly is triggering because of experiences in my last job.  I don’t trust institutions or systems and hope that this share won’t cause me harm.  I don’t regret what I did but feeling so vulnerable makes me sick.

I am hoping I will feel better tomorrow.  I didn’t sleep well last night as I was trying to decide how open I wanted to be about my diagnosis. 

[natureluvr]

Thank you Larry - I appreciate your support.
………
I am exhausted from today.

I decided during a presentation at work to share about my autism diagnosis.  I felt it was relevant given the topic.  When I sit in meetings and listen to people share their biased and stigmatized views of autism, I feel compelled to speak in when I can to help us take steps toward more responsiveness and support for autistic people.

At the same time, speaking openly is triggering because of experiences in my last job.  I don’t trust institutions or systems and hope that this share won’t cause me harm.  I don’t regret what I did but feeling so vulnerable makes me sick.

I am hoping I will feel better tomorrow.  I didn’t sleep well last night as I was trying to decide how open I wanted to be about my diagnosis.

How did they deal with knowing that you have an autism diagnosis?  It must hurt to hear them talk about autism in a biased and negative way.  I myself may have high functioning autism.  By the way, what does EF stand for?  (It was in one of your previous posts).

[sanmagic7]

you're showing so much courage w/ this plan, rainy.  i hope it goes well for you and also makes people sit up and acknowledge their own biases w/ the hope of clearer understanding.  fingers crossed, prayers flying!  much love and a hug filled w/ hope that your colleagues will change their perspectives.  i give you so much credit, rainy, for doing this.   

[Armee]

 

Rainy that took a lot of courage.  I hope it's a positive outcome for you, though i understand with the toxic work environments you've been in that it's a legitimate fear to not trust these systems to not hurt you. I bet it will have some positive outcome at least though for a couple people to do a better job of really listening and learning from your approaches with the kids, which is so much more attuned than the typical approach. I'm hoping for positive responses for you.

[rainydiary]

natureluvr, We were on a Zoom meeting so I wasn’t really looking at folks’ expressions when I said that.  I have told some of the folks already that were in the meeting, so for many this probably wasn’t a surprise.  Some people that this was new to messaged me their support.  I think some people also literally didn’t care one way or another. 

EF in the way I used stands for Emotional Flashback which I believe I learned from Pete Walker’s book on CPTSD.  In my work EF also means executive functioning which is really different.

I appreciate your support and the chance to know you.
……
San, thank you.  I am feeling more confident in myself generally although still having a lot of challenges with other people. 
…..
Armee, I appreciate your support.  I was reflecting that I was very open in my last job about my experiences for a long time which people supported.  And then for reasons I don’t understand they turned on me.  I’m sure they didn’t change but I did.  I will hope for the best.
………
Well, the internet is down at my school so I literally cannot do any work. 

Today just feels neutral and blah.

I wanted to stay home but came to work as today is my favorite schedule.  I am going to skip a meeting that is scheduled for after school so that I can go pick up the glasses I’m not sure I am going to like.

Just noticing how weird we can be as people.  One of my colleagues has been a speech therapist in this school district for 30 years.  I have mixed feelings working with her because she says things that I find hurtful and she also helps me interpret the weird things in this district.  She was just saying that she was poached yesterday at a job fair she went to as a representative of our district.  I wanted to say “then go” because she has said things about considering a new job before.  I also sense she also has fear of starting a new job because this is the only one she’s had.  But also I just don’t want to be humble bragged to.

[Not Alone]

Rainy, it was very brave of you to share your autism diagnosis with your coworkers. I glad that some people communicated their support.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, thank you. 
……….
This day was too much.  Or I just couldn’t take all that happened.  I am exhausted and need to make my way to bed.

The worst part of today was a student was trying to be independent in my room.  She decided to climb on a shelf to reach something.  Well, the shelf tipped.  Thankfully it didn’t fully fall on her.   Everything on the shelf fell fall.  It was loud and scary. 

She kept saying to me “why am I shaking?”  She showed me her leg was shaking.  I said it’s because your body wanted to run and it couldn’t.  So I let her run in the hallway a bit.  No one was hurt but that was a terrible experience to have.  It also made me feel unsafe in my room.  We live in an earthquake area, so this was eye opening to have unsafe my workspace is.

I had a lot of other things happen today that weren’t bad, just too much.  I had a meltdown when I got home.  I feel so terrible when that happens. 

[rainydiary]

After writing this, I’m processing a bit more about that experience with the shelf.

I am crying because a younger version of myself is healing right now.

I believe I handled that experience so differently than my parents would have.  I was calm.  I validated the feelings of the students there.  I recognized a child in fight/flight mode and gave them space to calm.  I gave care I would not have received as a child for a child doing a child thing.

That experience was triggering for me because I kept thinking “I’m going to get in trouble.”  No joke as we were going back to the student’s class, we passed the principal.  I wanted to blurt out what happened, to tell on myself.  I did tell the student’s teacher so they would have perspective of what happened.  And they were basically like “yeah, that happens.” 

But I am healing.  A lot still hurts and I am so exhausted with being me, but I can be a caring adult to a child and I hope it makes a difference.

[Armee]

It does make a difference Rainy. You make a difference. I can tell from how you write about your interactions with the kids and how they respond to you.

I'm sorry the shelf and items fell on the student. I would have had the same gut reactions as you including feeling scared I had done something wrong and would be in trouble for it. Of course it wasn't your fault but we are so used to taking on the blame and assuming we are wrong and wanting to apologize before someone gets mad at us. I wish you had adults who had nurtured you the way you nurtured that child. I love the way you explained her leg shaking and gave her the corrective action. They are lucky to have you. You did a good job. 

[sanmagic7]

you make so much difference to those kids, rainy.  i know that from having worked w/ adolescents in a different way than the 'rules' suggest.  the results show how much difference you make.  it's such a big deal, working w/ kids, allowing them to find their way in a guided environment.  i only wish there were more like you.  i've also lived in earthquake areas, and it's an innate fear that cannot totally be quelled.

i hope you can rest a bit this weekend.  sending love and a hug full of a hammock on the beach or between 2 trees in the shade where you can take a break from all these stressors.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee.  Today I have become progressively more worried I will be “in trouble” on Monday.  I imagine the student’s parents angry and demanding something of me.  I imagine difficult conversations about what happened and being asked why I didn’t follow some policy I didn’t know I was supposed to follow.  I am feeling a bit more calm when I remember that one of the classrooms I go to regularly has things like this happen and things move forward. 
…..
San, I appreciate your support and care.  The earthquake stuff is unsettling but also the least on my mind today.   I am feeling today like I don’t know if I can bear this work anymore.  The other day on social media someone posted this and it really resonated:

On the subject of employment, it's never usually the actual job that I struggle with.

It's the unwritten rules, the weird hierarchies, the lack of sensory breaks, the commute, the lunch hour, the managers on a power trip and so much more.

I've ended up quitting a lot of jobs and 90% of the time  it's been because of people, not the job.
………..
Today has been fine but also weird.

I am glad I tried Pilates but I have grown increasingly displeased with the place I’ve been going.  The first class I went to was great but the ones after haven’t been great at all.  There is a lot of toxicity in wellness and fitness places and this place is unfortunately no different.  They are incredibly ableist in their approach - my body cannot do some of the things they ask and when I modify for myself or stop, the response I receive is not welcoming.  So I don’t think I will be using the final 2 passes on a 5 class pass I bought.   I am really disappointed.

My husband and I are not having a lot of luck in our house buying.  The market is so weird and we may expand our search area to include a different city than we live in.  We recently visited the other city and I personally liked it way more than where we live now.  We’ll see.

Today I am feeling again like I don’t know how to be a person and live life.  I am moving toward things that are important to me but am also still stuck in other things.  I am mostly ok with my life but feel like others cannot understand.

[Not Alone]

I'm really impressed with how you responded to and helped the student.

[Blueberry]

It does make a difference Rainy. You make a difference. I can tell from how you write about your interactions with the kids and how they respond to you.

I'm sorry the shelf and items fell on the student. I would have had the same gut reactions as you including feeling scared I had done something wrong and would be in trouble for it. Of course it wasn't your fault but we are so used to taking on the blame and assuming we are wrong and wanting to apologize before someone gets mad at us. I wish you had adults who had nurtured you the way you nurtured that child. I love the way you explained her leg shaking and gave her the corrective action. They are lucky to have you. You did a good job.

  in respect to all of it, including feeling scared I'd done something and would be in trouble for it (that's a big trigger for me). They are indeed lucky to have you!