[Blueberry]

The other day on social media someone posted this and it really resonated:

On the subject of employment, it's never usually the actual job that I struggle with.

It's the unwritten rules, the weird hierarchies, the lack of sensory breaks, the commute, the lunch hour, the managers on a power trip and so much more.

I've ended up quitting a lot of jobs and 90% of the time  it's been because of people, not the job.

I really resonate with this too.

I think it's brilliant progress to be moving towards things that are important to you!

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, thank you.  I hope she is ok and that this week will be less dramatic.
…..
Blueberry, I appreciate your support and understanding related to triggers and work.
……….
I had a good day.  But I dread going to work this week.

I am tired of always feeling like there is something I haven’t done right. 

I am tired of other people.

I am tired of the sensory overload.

I am tired.

It is important to the plans of a few students that I show up tomorrow.  I am considering taking a day off this week.

[sanmagic7]

 

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the care San and CF. 
………
I made it although I feel completely drained.

A meeting I was worried about went ok.  It still drained me. 

In some ways I feel stronger inside. In others I still feel like I have so far to go.

I am hoping for restful sleep tonight.  I have been having involved dreams that take a toll.

[rainydiary]

*sigh*

My coworker was sharing what happened at a meeting I missed.  She told me I hadn’t completed my section of the paperwork. 

I knew I had written it.  But I think what I did was write it in a word document and forgot to add it to the software program. 

I am so triggered that this happened.  I am really embarrassed and worried about being in trouble. 

I am glad she told me today so that I can have this reaction now instead of being in an EF all day tomorrow. 

But EFs are no fun and now my evening is ruined. 

[sanmagic7]

i'm with you, rainy.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.  I ended up sleeping better than expected.  I appreciate your support.
………
I am exhausted.

I ended up resolving my mistake with relatively little drama.  I did have a really intense dream about coworkers that I don’t fully remember and didn’t really make sense.

I feel alone today.  I met today with my fellow speech language pathologist colleagues.  I do not have the same agenda as them and today was the first time I felt especially separate from them. 

[rainydiary]

Today was another draining day.

I am appreciating the things that drain me and am not sure how to better protect myself.

Things that happen to students I don’t know.  The constant poor communication from certain colleagues.  Annoying schedule changes that mess up my time with students.  My inability to meet all that is expected of me (the truth is no one can, we just pretend like we do).  Feeling pressure to pretend like “I got this.”

I am tired.

[sanmagic7]

all that instability IS tiring, rainy.  it sucks at us, drains us of energy, and makes our brains work harder.  i hope you can get some relaxation this weekend.  sending love and a hug full of energizer to take on next week.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the validation and weekend wishes. 
……..
Today was less emotional than I expected but I am still tired.

I made another mistake at work today.  A student on my caseload also gets speech therapy outside of school.  Their speech therapist called me today.  She had a release of information to talk to me.  I most likely should have had one before I talked to her. 

An area I have not been trained in.  I feel foolish for this misstep.  I believe the parent would give me consent to talk to this person given that she has given consent to the other person. 

I am dreading the time change this weekend.  I hope I can relax and keep doing my best. 

[sanmagic7]

i'm with you on the time change, rainy.  it knocks my socks of for several days.  it's not so bad in the fall, for whatever reason.  here's to getting thru it as best we can.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San, I am trying to head to bed earlier tonight to see if that helps.  I hope the time change is gentler than we are are expecting.
……….
I have big thoughts right now and no idea how to put them into words.

I am overwhelmed at all the mistakes I’ve made the past several weeks at work and am also learning to recognize that the world has not ended as a result. 

I am growing in the right direction.  Today didn’t feel great necessarily.  I felt blah and like I need something I can’t define or understand right now.

[rainydiary]

Still feeling blah and blue today.

I am reflecting that there is space being cleared out inside of me as heal and learn more.  That space does represent loss even if what I am losing isn’t useful anymore.  That loss causes grief and this sense that my life is passing me by.  The space also wants to be filled and I am stuck because I’m not sure how to move forward.

[rainydiary]

I have 13 more Mondays until this current school year is over.

Today I am frustrated by a colleague that is giving me red flags and worries about the past repeating itself. 

Last Monday I involved this person in a meeting with others present to make a plan for a student.  This person has been ignoring my requests for help since October.  We made a plan and I emailed that out. 

Today this person contradicted our plan to my face.  It made me so mad.  But I couldn’t stand up to it in the moment.  I will send a follow up email tomorrow to document that conversation.  Because I don’t trust that later she won’t try to drag me through the mud and claim I didn’t tell her stuff. 

I am reading a book that I’m not sure I’ll finish.  It is about a person tracing her family tree and trying to reconcile her past and her family history.  It is speaking to questions or urges I’ve had of understanding my ancestors better…but it is also pressing against this deep sense of pain that I can’t describe.