Rainy Journey 23

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry your colleague is treating you like that, rainy
Sounds like my old LL (who is still arguing things with Tenant's Rights).
Unfortunately there are people like that in the world. it's on them, not on you.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support and emoji Blueberry.  I am exhausted dealing with others.
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Today wasn't so good.  Really challenging student and colleague interactions.  Wish I had stayed home.

I feel pretty low about myself.

[rainydiary]

Wanting to reflect on an experience this morning.

I decided to send an email to a colleague at my previous school that I left in my old state.  I decided to share with her my diagnosis of autism.  My intention with sharing with her is that I know she is a gossip and will share my news with others.  I kind of want them to know.

Her response back to me was so eye opening.  While she was "nice," her response lacked compassion, lacked accountability, and was gaslighting.  Her message essentially was "it doesn't work to dwell on the past, get over it."  That isn't how trauma works.

Now that I have some distance from her and from that school, I am struck by the toxic positivity and inherent nastiness that I was putting up with.  I saw that when I was there, but it lands so differently with me now.  I am not sorry I left.  Especially now.  What a miserable place. 

Good riddance to them.

[rainydiary]

I don't know why I put myself through that this morning to send that email.  I thought it would make me feel better but I just feel foolish.

I decided to take the day off tomorrow from work.  The last several months are going to be a lot so I need to take the day while I can.

[Armee]

I think maybe in a way you were standing up for others by sending that email to raise awareness. Good job taking a day off while you can.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate the validation.  I specifically reached out to this person because her child is autistic and we spoke about it a lot.  It pains me because she will not see that he will (if he isn't already) be treated differently for no good reason.  There is no point in me speaking to anyone there again.  This gave me information and I know I am better off for leaving.
.........
I slept so poorly last night and am grateful I didn't push myself to work today.  I do feel some guilt for not going to work but in the long run this won't be a regret.  The reason I'm uncomfortable is because I know my colleague at my Thursday school will judge me not being there and I having trouble navigating my relationship with her.

My cat kept waking me up last night and then I had trouble falling back asleep.  My mind went to such a dark place and none of my "tricks" for falling back asleep worked.  I woke up exhausted.

A lot of the stress is because today I am going to tour a home we may put in an offer for.  This process has been long, uncomfortable, and uncertain.  The market where we live is so weird and it is exhausting to participate in.  It is possible the home won't "feel right" to me.  Even if an offer is made, there is still no certainty it would be accepted and if it is there is a long process ahead.

I did decide to go to Pilates even though I've been uncomfortable with the studio.  I am glad I went today.  The experience was positive.  I still think they have a lot of issues there but I was able to offer up about my sensory needs to the instructor (who remembered my name even though I don't go every week).  It may be worth continuing to give them a chance. 

For now I am playing with my cat and watching basketball and playing a jigsaw puzzle game on my iPad. 

[rainydiary]

I am exhausted.  I didn't sleep well again last night and had a draining day at work and home.

Two bright spots from my day:

I have become such a safe person to this one student.  Today during our meeting they said, "This is hard to say...". My immediate reaction was to clench a bit because this student's home life is rough.  But they continued and said, "I miss 2022."  I asked them why and they said "It has a lot of good memories." 

In the afternoon, there were some parent/teacher conferences and a teacher asked me to come to a conference to support them.  During the transition between conferences, I met the parent of a student and they said "My student loves you!"  I found out later that this parent was really upset because their student hates school and is feeling stuck in supporting them.  I'm glad I am a bright spot. 

House hunting has become too discouraging.  I think we might take a break from it. 

I hope one day I can find a way to not feel so drained at the end of every day. 

[Armee]

House hunting is draining frightening and disappointing.

You are really important to your students. It's really too bad the work culture makes it hard to do your job.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee.  I am glad to know it isn't just us with house hunting - it feels so messed up.  We have a ton of privilege and are having trouble so where does that leave those without as many resources?  I wish work wasn't so draining for me. 
.........
I am feeling unsettled this morning.

I keep thinking about my interactions with a teacher colleague yesterday.  She is the teacher of the student who doesn't like school.

She opened up with me about what happened at his conference and she cried.  I don't feel like I handled myself as well as I would have liked with her.  I worry I wasn't supportive and possibly gaslit her a bit. 

I did learn an important lesson from her.  She reminded me of how much time teachers truly do spend with their students - they are with them so much of the year.  So when you feel like you aren't helping a kid, you have constant daily reminders.  That would weigh heavy on me too.

Luckily I can try to clarify with her and try to say what I meant to convey again.  I think she feels alone and I can try to find ways to support.

I am struggling with how overwhelmed and overstimulated I am all the time at work.  I'm not sure how to care for myself more.  I haven't approached seeking accommodations because I literally don't know what would help.  I also don't trust the system. 

[Blueberry]

House hunting is draining frightening and disappointing.

You are really important to your students. It's really too bad the work culture makes it hard to do your job.

rainy, I was really worried before I started even looking for a new apt what might happen if I ended with a bunch of rejections. I got really lucky that I got the first place i really wanted. My GP agreed with that but also with my fears. He said the No's make people feel rejected, even though it's not them personally being rejected, not usually. I hope that makes sense. Here about 100 people answer per apt ad.

I imagine you were actually very supportive of the teacher! She opened up to you after all, probably she could feel your support. At least that's my guess.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, thank you.  I've learned about something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and think that is at play with house hunting and many other things.  With finding a house I think things will work out, it's just exhausting.  I think the teacher felt comfortable too.  I think this will be a relationship to explore further for collaboration.
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I am struggling this weekend with the idea that I don't matter.  I have contradictory evidence to that but it is a deep deep thing I feel about myself. 

It has long roots.  Growing up and moving away from people I felt safe with was hard.  I am still in touch with people I knew growing up but everyone's life moved in so many different directions and I feel left out.

I am trying very hard to see other people as less threatening and less dangerous.  I think most everyone is struggling.  I do feel I've been bullied and taken advantage of which is the hard thing to overcome.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, those are so many issues to be dealing w/ at the same time as dealing w/ moving and work stuff.  i hope you can be gentle w/ yourself.  that's such a big realization.  give yourself time to process it, ok?  one step at a time, right?  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Rainy, I have caught up on your journal. I feel for you and all the stress that you are experiencing at work and with house hunting.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the reminder for one thing at a time. 
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Not Alone, thank you for checking in. 
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Today I am really feeling how deeply I feel as compared to others. 

[Larry]