Rainy Journey 23

[sanmagic7]

it shows great courage, rainy, to put yourself out there and be vulnerable.  i'm proud of you, if that's ok to say.  well done, you!!!  keep up the good work, ok?  and keep taking care of you.  love and hugs

[Armee]

I hope it went well today, Rainy

[rainydiary]

Thank you San and Armee.  Of course I give more energy and thought to me than anyone else does.   
..........
I am drained.  I am not sure how I will get through the last months of the school year.  I've been playing a jigsaw puzzle game on my phone and it is reminding me "One piece at a time."

Today was fine.  I desire connection and am not sure how or where to get it.

I am worried about tomorrow.  I used to get so much enjoyment and energy at being at my second school....and through a series of events, I don't anymore.  I am seeing what I haven't been willing to see which is many things but also that my colleague who I share a caseload with isn't particularly nice.

She has a lot of experience.  And I will say she has helped me navigate being new.  But I have outgrown her and now I see how she tries to control everything and everyone.  She is mean and in a way that others don't see.  She always says "Old dog, I don't do new tricks."

I have offered multiple times over the school year to take more students off her caseload.  She loves talking about how many students she has, but has consistently not taken me up on my offer.  Knowing her, part of it is she probably feels like she is "helping" me - which makes me mad because I wouldn't offer to take more kids if I couldn't handle it.  It isn't her choice and her actions make me feel small.

So, over the past several weeks I decided I am giving less time there and each day something happens that reinforces this is the right decision.  Today I received an email today that another student I work with at that school left (it is a school on a military base).  I am going to reduce my time there to one day. 

It feels scary to me to establish boundaries with her.  But in truth she doesn't treat me with respect.  Her comments about the way I work with kids are mean.  I have opinions about how she works with kids but I don't say anything about it. 

I am feeling like I need to explain myself to her.  She sort of gets this wounded air.  And I need to resist that.  Because I don't need to explain myself.  I also really want to tell my boss what is going on, but they are all blinded by her 30 years of experience and how well she presents herself to others.  I think I want to tell my boss because I need someone to see what I see so I feel less like I'm "making it up."

It's very triggering to me to have experiences that others "don't believe."  I think all I can do is have my boundaries, do my best, and hang on for 9 more weeks.

[sanmagic7]

It's very triggering to me to have experiences that others "don't believe."  I think all I can do is have my boundaries, do my best, and hang on for 9 more weeks.

i think you're absolutely correct, rainy.  i think it's wonderful you're establishing boundaries, as well as recognizing how people can be mean and excuse it by 'don't do new tricks'.  in my mind, it's invaluable to us as people to continue learning and growing as long as we can.  keep going, rainy.  9 more weeks, and we'll be counting down w/ you.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Not being believed is a huge trigger for me also.

Your coworker's statement of "old dog, I don't do new tricks," is arrogant and foolish. She is basically stating that she is not willing to learn and grow. That is not helpful to her students or anyone else.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the words and perspectives San & Not Alone.  It helped me stand firm (at least firmish) today.  It was helpful to consider how arrogant her attitude is.  I also know that underneath it all she has her own stuff.
.........
Today ended up being less intense than I thought it would be which I am grateful for.

I am still feeling upset about my colleague.  She acknowledged my schedule change and then mentioned how the school just got two more kids.  I feel an unspoken implication I am not doing enough that I can't figure out the source of. 

If she needs me to take more kids, pretty sure she is capable of asking.  I feel like I have provided a lot of openings and she has never taken me up on it.  Yet I still blame myself.  I blame myself for not saying the right words or doing the right thing.  When the reality is my colleague is doing this to herself. 

Having heard her talk, I think some of it is that she feels like as a more experienced person in the district, she needs to "protect" me as a newer person.  And yet, she has never asked if I want that.

So I am trying to not feed into this anymore.  I am no longer charmed by her and really am trying to tell her less.  She is also someone that collects information.  And yet offers none of herself.  She also always tells me how she goes onto her own island in the summer which means she doesn't want anyone from work to talk to her in the summer.  So whatever "relationship" I felt I had is one sided.  It feels like a power imbalance.  I've fallen into this trap time and time again with people like her - I don't need this.

This is also hard and it hurts.  I feel so terrible at building relationships with others.  I am seeing that it isn't all on me.

I need something but don't really know what it is.  Perhaps a lot of self compassion.

[rainydiary]

Today was mostly ok but I am exhausted by relationships and trying to interpret others.  Trying to remember that it isn't all on me to interpret what others mean and if they don't say it directly, I don't need to worry so much.

Last night I slept the entire night.  That is such a rare thing.  I did have really intense dreams and have been for several days now.  I hope my brain gives it a rest because the dreams have left me feeling unsettled.

[rainydiary]

This morning I am really getting in touch with feeling so sad and so much grief in how difficult relationships with other people are.

[Armee]

 

You're very thoughtful Rainy. I think a lot of people don't even think or care about the relationships around them. It shows such wonderful things about you that you think and care about this.

[sanmagic7]

well done for recognizing that power imbalance, rainy.  it's there, no doubt. you're right, she can ask or she can play the martyr.  it's not your job to take care of her.  love and hugs

[Bach]

This morning I am really getting in touch with feeling so sad and so much grief in how difficult relationships with other people are.

I feel this, rainy. I am standing with you.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I appreciate this thought and it brings me comfort.
.....
San, thank you.  I am still deeply uncomfortable and unsettled yet also willing to let this play out a bit.
.....
Bach, thank you, I feel your support.
.........
Before I get lost in my current emotion, I did have a validating conversation with a colleague at work and she was supportive of me.

My husband and I just had a really intense conversation.  I want to cry but am also amped up.

We toured a house today.  I liked it a lot.  I think he liked it too, but starts to get so obsessed about the money.  And I just pick up this general sense of dissatisfaction from him which truthfully has been present since we moved away from his hometown 8 years ago. 

This evening we started discussing making an offer.  I said that I am wondering if the other offers we've made (which ultimately were not competitive in the market we are in) were self-sabotaging.  I think I wanted to have a deeper conversation and raise things that needed to be said.

That opened a can of worms.  And I think the conversation we had was one that was much needed.

We are stuck and we are not ok.  I am not sure I've processed what we talked about, but I think we experience our disconnect differently.  Ultimately, if I understood him correctly, I think we do want the same thing - to feel at home and like we are living our life.  I did ask him what "living life" meant to him and he wasn't able to answer.  I'm not really able to answer that either right now.

I think our move took a toll and it is taking a long time to recover from it.  We are both unsettled and expressing that in different ways. 

I hope that conversation will shift things.  Right now though I feel drained.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, moving is one of the most draining, exhausting, time-consuming, energy-sapping things i know of.  i think it's fair to say you and your H could still be feeling the effects of your previous moves, especially if he didn't like leaving his hometown.  best to you in finding a place you're both content and satisfied with.

and i'm very glad to hear you had a pos. conversation w/ a colleague.  yay!!!  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - I hadn't considered feeling the impacts of previous moves.  I moved all the time growing up and am not sure I'm over that either.  I appreciate your support.
.........
I am sitting at work and wanting to be at home.  But I missed last Friday and the kids I see on Fridays notice when I miss them.  I am just not giving energy to doing more than is needed right now.

I did not sleep well last night.  I kept waking up and I felt too warm.  I think some of my disinterest in work today is being tired.

We did end up making an offer on the house.  We'll see if they accept our terms.  I am at a point where I don't even know what it would be like to have an offer accepted and simply expect that we will be rejected.  We offered what we can live with  and that is all we can do.

I am still unsettled by the conversation with my husband yesterday.  This morning we acknowledged that we had needed to talk.  But we are in uncharted area and it feels yucky right now.

[Bach]

I'm sure that the impact of all that moving throughout your life is huge. It seems like it should be easier each time (practice makes perfect), but I don't think it really works that way. I think it's another one of those things that affect the nervous system in ways that don't have an obvious presentation but which linger.

I wish you the very best to get a house you can make home