Rainy Journey 23

[sanmagic7]

ditto moondance and armee, rainy.  so much.  i hear you about not having been prepared about adult relationships.  i've felt  that way as well.

i completely get the idea of not wanting to spend time w/ people who are neg. for me.  i once visited a friend whose mother i did not get along w/ - this was shown on various occasions.  the last time i visited, she and her mother had set up a luncheon for the 3 of us, and i told her i didn't want to go.  i used almost the exact words you did - i didn't see any point in spending 2 hrs. w/ someone who doesn't like me.

yeah, those systems want to remain the same because the people who created them want to stay comfortable.  they don't like having their boat rocked.  too bad, so sad, go suck an egg.  your first responsibility is to you.  it's a controlling manipulation when they feel uncomfortable w/ people, try to guilt them into doing things their way.

i hope things work out with you and your H and the house.  sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and boundaries.   

[rainydiary]

Thank you Moondance, Armee, and San.   
.........
I am sitting at work and wondering why I am here.  I will take the opportunity to leave early today. 

I am ok mostly.  I continue to have ongoing feelings about the concept of families, especially this weekend with Mother's Day. 

I am in a weird place waiting to make sure that the sale of the house moves forward and also having made decisions (like breaking our lease) that would make the sale falling through a problem.

[rainydiary]

I had an experience at the grocery store today that I would like to explore.

I was leaving the store and happened to smile at this person (I believe he would identify as a man).

He said something to me which I thought was "You have beautiful hair."  I am sure I gave him a weird look because my initial impression of that was "No I don't."

As I was walking to my car, I realized I think that what he actually said was "You have a beautiful air."

A part of me really likes being told that.  Another part feels weird that a stranger felt the need to say something to me.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i had a similar experience at the market a couple months ago.  it was very cold, i was bundled up in a red fluffy scarf around my head and neck, and a man passing by told me i looked nice and warm, told me to keep it up.  and then he was gone.  i've also had many men during my life, strangers, who would tell me how very sad i looked, to cheer up.  yep, strangers just approaching to tell me something about myself.

i never thought it was a bad thing, only how very curious that they noticed something i didn't realize. none of my friends over the years ever told me that. i will give strangers compliments on how they look, what they're wearing, etc.  usually it brings a smile from them and a thank you.  if you liked being told that, then i'm glad he said something to you.  seems like it made your day a bit brighter.   love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the perspective San.  My heart says it is ok to accept his compliment but I feel like I made a mess of it internally.  I posted about in a social media group and some of the comments I got were a bit mean in how I was experiencing.  There are just some things I need to keep to myself and not put on social media.

This experience actually reminded of an interaction I witnessed a long time ago at a yoga class.  A person there for class said "Nice vibe" to my favorite teacher there.  I have always wanted someone to say something like to me and I suppose now I have.
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I am having a good day.  Things feel good and I am trying to cherish it.

I received a book I preordered a while back today.  It is a children's book called A Day With No Words by Tiffany Hammond.  It is beautiful and I am glad I ordered it.  I can't wait to share it with students.

I had this thought that I want to contact the teachers at my main school and offer to read the book and do a lesson with their class.  I am not sure how that would be received but I don't think it would hurt to offer.  It might hurt my sensitive heart if folks don't take me up on it.  But even if one teacher does (and I know one that probably will), that is a start.

Tomorrow we are going to the movies and are generally feeling a bit relaxed.  The next few weeks will be hectic finishing up our home purchase and moving.  Plan to try to enjoy the good time as long as it lasts.

[rainydiary]

Thinking of folks today where it is "Mother's Day."

A few things have already happened to me on this day.

I messaged my mother even though I don't care about this day.  I shared my plan for the day and she kind of ruined it with a comment.

Then my dad messaged me to wish me Happy Mother's Day to my cat.  I thought it was a really kind gesture yet I am also thrown off because my dad looms so large in my mind as big and mean and scary.

I am also experiencing pain in my left shoulder today.  It is possible I hurt myself yesterday when moving stuff and packing boxes.  It is just unsettling and usually I feel "pain" in my right shoulder. 

[Bach]

rainy, I relate to what you said about your parents not giving you a good foundation for loving relationships.  I definitely did not have a single healthy feeling or attitude about loving relationships modelled for me when I was growing up.  I have luckily managed to figure out a situation in which enough of my relationship needs are met for me to survive.  It's not the situation that I would have chosen, but it's enough, and I often feel that it has worked out better for me than I could have expected given what kind of examples I came from, and what I thought I was looking for.  You say that you do see you and your husband growing together.  That's a pretty big thing for people like us, so maybe your choice will work out.  I hope for that for you.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your support, Bach.  I often do wonder what the impact of my own stuff has been on my husband.  We both have had a lot of growing to do and a lot of days I don't understand why I found this person who is still so wrapped up in the toxicity of their FOO.  It makes me feel bad on a number of levels.  I feel like I deserve better.  And also I wonder how many folks actually get off "easy" in this world.
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I am feeling wrung out.

My husband and I watched Guardians of the Galaxy 3.  Whoa is it dark and trauma filled and I spent the whole movie crying.  I liked it, but was not ready for that.  It is going to haunt me moving forward for a number of reasons.

Within less than 30 minutes of being home, the number of encroachments from my in-laws has been more than one.  Interestingly, I overheard my MIL say to my husband "Do you have a minute?"  She then laughed mostly because it was uncomfortable for her to ask that and also because it didn't actually matter if he had a minute or not.  Hearing their voices makes me want to scream.

As I sit with all the feelings that have come up today, I feel lousy.  I am questioning myself and my choices and feel hopeless.  This will be a day where I hope I can just rest but will mostly be getting through to bed time.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, thanks for the report on GOTG3.  i've watched the other 2, thoroughly enjoyed them, but it sounds like i'll skip this one.

if we haven't been given good examples of relationships, there's no way we'd know how to choose a person to be w/ who might be healthy, mature, and stable and is working on their own issues.  you didn't stand a chance, as did many of us.  we go for what is familiar.  my familiar was lack of emotions, and sure enough, those are the ones i picked to live my life w/.  and if your H doesn't think he has a problem w/ his family, it's going to be difficult for him to break free.  here's hoping, tho.  i can feel how difficult it is for you to be around this dynamic.  ugh!

sending love and a hug filled w/ support and hope

[rainydiary]

San, yes I love the other GOTG and was not ready for this.  They give a lot of backstory on Rocket and it was a lot. 

I do have some reckoning to do about my inability to accept that my husband is not going to shift in terms of his family.  And what that means to me and what I can and cannot live with.
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Today was a lot but I survived.

I took tomorrow off work to deal with house buying paperwork and most likely to pack.

[Not Alone]

I hope you can take little breaks tomorrow for some self care. It sounds like a very full day.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Not Alone - I did have physical breaks today but not sure about mental and emotional.  I appreciate your support.
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Today wasn't particularly restful.  I wasn't expecting it to be.  I really don't want to go to work tomorrow.  I seriously need this school year to be over.

We signed the closing documents.  Some stress because we haven't received an update as to whether the sellers completed the repairs they said they would based on the inspection.  We haven't officially closed yet so the sale could fall through still.  I hope that isn't the case because we have already broken the lease on our apartment.

We drove by the house today and it still looked like they had a lot of moving to do.  There still is over a week left until closing.  I am trying to remain hopeful that they will honor their word, but it is really stressful. 

So right now still no where I go isn't full of stress and certain things completely out of my control. 

[sanmagic7]

argh!  those things that are out of our control can really throw a wrench into our own sense of calm, rainy.  hang tough, ok?  and, for sure, i can't wait till this school year is over for you.  you've shown so much courage and determination getting thru it.  well done!  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.  I am finding my feet but am sick of other people right now.
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TW: mention of transphobia

I am a little shaken.  My aunt sent me a transphobic message this morning.  I decided to stand up to her and tell her I don't agree.  She responded back trying to me she supports trans people but then kept referencing the "news article" she sent me. 

A past version of myself would have said nothing but not today.

End TW

Our realtor sent the proof that repairs have been done.  So I guess that's good.

I am in such a weird place this morning after that message, my aunt's message, and the very weird dreams I had last night.

[rainydiary]

I am exhausted and will be heading to bed soon.

Today with my SLP colleagues I felt like the odd one out.  I am so open about myself I make others uncomfortable.  It is the particular group.  There are a few colleagues that don't make me feel that way.  Group dynamics are so interesting.

Tomorrow I will be leading a class in the reading of the book I bought.  I am going to teach them about autism and I hope the lesson will go well.  I'm not used to leading large groups of children so it will be interesting.

I am just trying to keep going right now.  I am not really ok but have moments that are ok.