Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I appreciate your support.  I think my cat's health is at a point where things will not be simple anymore moving forward.  Hopefully we can at least stabilize a bit after these most recent visits.
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Natureluvr, I appreciate the support.  I wish we didn't feel this way.
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Bach, I appreciate the care.
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I had a good several hours yesterday after I picked up my cat and went to my mosaic class. 

I think I did dissociate a bit during those good hours because I filled out intake paperwork for the couple's counselor.  I wrote out my experiences in their form and now feel so exposed.  It is uncomfortable because the forms are under one log in so my husband could read what I wrote and I could read what he wrote (if he ever does the form).  I asked him to not read my form. 

Filling out that paperwork made me feel more confused.  I have a lot of critical voices within me that I'm not exactly sure where they are coming from for what I wrote.  I worry about this process we are embarking on. 

I heard from my cat's vet today about her cardiology exam. The vet made some comment about how my cat was grumpy and uncooperative.  That triggered me.  She was hungry, scared, and didn't understand what was happening.  She has also been to the vet a lot lately.  I think this person said this because it is making it hard for them to tell what is a symptom and what is behavior. 

Her heart currently looks ok but they think she has high blood pressure and want me to give her a medication for that.  They also want me to try to get her to eat more wet food.  She has never really liked wet food.  I will try my best but all of this feels so overwhelming right now.

On top of that, I am starting to feel a bit anxious about going back to work.  I am aware of this pattern in myself and hope I can take care.  But with the extra stress from my cat and my marriage, I think I will be extra challenged.

[Moondance]

 

[Not Alone]

The vet made some comment about how my cat was grumpy and uncooperative.  That triggered me.  She was hungry, scared, and didn't understand what was happening.  She has also been to the vet a lot lately.  I think this person said this because it is making it hard for them to tell what is a symptom and what is behavior. 

Kind of crazy for the vet to expect any cat to be cooperative.

[Armee]

 

Lol, yeah that Not Alone. Someone maybe picked the wrong field. 

With you Rainy. This all sounds so overwhelming.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone and Armee, I appreciate the validation.  I am struggling with wanting to take my cat to the vet and comments like that don't help.
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I am feeling really empty inside this afternoon. 

I think my anxiety is kicking up.  I am worried about work starting, if I can even handle my new work assignment, how my cat is doing, and my marriage.  Among all that I realize I'm not really worried about myself - how am I taking care? 

My husband is working on his portion of the intake paperwork for our therapy appointment.  I am also really worried about that appointment which is coming up on Tuesday. 

We have started doing a check in conversation in the mornings.  I'm not sure if it is helping.  It isn't helping me.  Of course, we've only done it a few times and things take time.

*sigh* I didn't want to say what is bothering me the most about my empty feeling but it might be helpful to write down.

I feel empty the most towards my husband.  I don't trust what he says.  We have conversations and I think things are going or are a certain way.  Then he will say he regrets our decisions and then will go into low moods that feel like they are meant to manipulate me.  I work so hard and nothing has worked.

I can see him trying to implement suggestions from the book we are reading.  He also seems to be reading other sources as he shares things he wants to do that feel like he read some list somewhere.  But given that he talks and then later changes what he says, I just can't take it seriously.

I didn't feel empty all day and realize it stems from a continuing education video I watched related to my work as a speech language therapist.  During the video, the presenters discussed normalizing being single for a student in a case study.  They talked about our cultural messaging around relationships and getting married and how that is often seen as an end goal.

I am realizing I feel so foolish for getting caught up in that narrative.  I think I am really mad at myself right now.  So back to taking care - I hope I can find a way to take care of myself a bit for the rest of the day.
 

[sanmagic7]

i hope you find time for you, too, rainy.  between that vet, your cat, your marriage, work coming up - so much to deal with.  i've had too many relationships where people say one thing, then back out for whatever reason/excuse.  not a fan, and my heart goes out to you having to deal w/ that in your marriage.  it's no wonder you don't trust what he says.  how could you?  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I also wanted to send some love and hugs your way    You have a lot on your plate at the moment.  I hope you were able to take some time to take care of yourself within the day. 
Hope 

[natureluvr]

Hello Rainy, I'm sorry you are feeling empty this afternoon.  I sense your anguish and sadness about the difficult state of your marriage.  It's so hard to trust him, when he says something, then later changes what he says.  How confusing. 

[rainydiary]

San, it is not my favorite either and I am surprised at how patterned this.  It is time to address and will be a good thing to bring up in couples counseling next week.
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Hope, I appreciate the support and care.  It is much needed.
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Natureluvr, I appreciate you naming trust as I see that is a big thing going on.
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I am noticing how I tend to look calm on the outside with racing thoughts and lots of inner activity.  That is rather normal for me, but some of that busyness is making me tired.  I think reducing caffeine has helped especially at night.

This morning my husband shared with me a financial issue he has kept to himself for years.  He placed some money in a stock that has not done well and he has lost a lot of money.

Part of me is like "whatever" because it is money that he earned.  Thankfully we have separate bank accounts and haven't "shared" a lot of money over the years. 

Most of me feels a pit in my stomach.  Another example of him not telling me something important which makes trust difficult.

His family dynamic is making me ill and I'm not hopeful he is ever going to understand that.  He thinks his issue about being "homesick" - the specific place isn't the issue, because his family would be like this no matter where they were from.

Today he learned that his sister married a guy she has known from online since she was a teenager.  He is not from the US and they chose to get married today so he can remain in the country.  I cannot express how uneasy the whole situation makes me feel.

His parents are coming here soon and I feel like it is going to make me explode.  Them coming at this point is a bad idea.  Thankfully (but also annoyingly) I will have work commitments most of the days they are here. 

I know I am entering a cross roads in my life.  I am trying to be open to seeing how this goes before deciding.  The Should I Stay or Should I Go course is helping.

I have a lot to integrate and anticipate. 

[Moondance]

Hi Rainydiary,

I haven't posted because I have no helpful words regarding relationships.

I can and want to be supportive and encouraging.

I really admire and appreciate each of your posts.  Your wisdom and strength shows up in each of your posts during this difficult time.  There is so much going on and one step at a time you are persevering.

I hope you will or have done something to take care of you today.  The course your taking sounds like a good support as well.



Thank you for sharing

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I appreciate your support.  It is helpful to have you on my team.
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I feel like I've been on the go all day and haven't really settled.

I did go for a walk which I enjoyed. 

I tried to tell my husband this morning that I am having trouble with trust.  He said he doesn't understand my examples. 

What is underneath this is that I feel betrayed.  I feel like he has broken promises with me.

Over time I probably have stopped trying in some ways. 

I keep asking myself what it is I feel for my husband and what it is I want to do.  Right now I feel empty at both of those questions.  I wish I had an answer and a clear one at that.  I feel a lot of stress that I don't. 

I suppose I need to things move on a bit and see how Tuesday goes.

Today I heard a description of autism that really helped me on The Neurodivergent Woman podcast.  The person was talking about how to them autism means having a highly connected brain (in terms of neural pathways).  I like that and it helps me understand myself a bit more. 

[Not Alone]

But given that he talks and then later changes what he says, I just can't take it seriously.

I really relate to this. In my case, I think my H would say either what he thought he should say or he said what he thought would get him out of trouble. He also would not say anything, thinking that was the safest route. His main goal was to stay regulated, which meant trying to keep me from being upset ("content," in his words). Trust yourself. Listen. Observe.

I remembered that I was very triggered by my dogs vet, quite some time ago. It kept me from taking the dog in for awhile. Over time and further interactions with vet, I was no longer triggered, but I remember it being really difficult.

[sanmagic7]

rainy,

i'm with you on all this marriage stuff.  it's a tough row to hoe, figure out, make sense of, look at options, make decisions about.  all of it can be difficult, especially when you can't navigate feelings very clearly.  hang tough, ok? it will come to you when you need it.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Echoing what Not Alone and San are saying. 

 

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I think I see a similar thing happening with me and my husband.  I appreciate your support. 
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San, thank you for the validation and reminder.  This is hard.
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Moondance, thank you the support.
 
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Today we will have our first appointment for marriage counseling.  I feel unsettled. 

I'm also beginning to feel a lot of anticipatory stress about work.  My brain keeps calling to mind painful moments from work.

My cat is mostly ok but I feel worried about balancing her care with work.

I am feeling like I am not cut out for relationships of any kind.