Snowdrop's new journal

[Snowdrop]

The snowdrops will soon start appearing in the garden, so I thought today would be a good day for me to (finally!) start a new journal.

I noticed some progress today.

A friend who doesn't know my background started talking about stuff in the news this week about one adult royal sibling hitting the other. "How dare he speak up! Kids fight! I didn't say anything when my sibling attacked me! All perfectly normal!"

I felt shaky when I heard this because throughout my life, the words "all siblings fight" were used to minimise my abuse and silence me. Previously I'd freeze and be unable to say anything in response. This time, however, I was able to say that it's easy to normalise abnormal behaviour when that's what you grow up with, but it doesn't make it normal or acceptable. My friend acknowledged this, and I was heard.

I still feel a little shaky, but I'm pleased I said what I did.

[Not Alone]

It makes sense that you still feel shaky.  for you saying what you thought. It takes courage to use your voice, especially when you've been minimized or ignored in the past.

[Armee]

I love the reason for the new journal. And you did great speaking up! Way to go! Ah those trigger phrases...

[rainydiary]

I'm glad you found an opportunity to stay present and share your perspective.  I hope that moment was transformative for both of you.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, so very glad you were heard.  sometimes that's half the battle.  sibling abuse is very different than siblings fighting w/ each other.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

Snowdrop,

I hope the shakiness doesn't last too long, but that was great what you said to your friend. As we heal from being punching bags and doormats for our families to abuse, we become the voice of reason to our friends. What you said to your friend was genius. And like my therapist always tells me, as I become more potent in my own skin, I will feel some anxiety. He says "you can't become more potent without experiencing some anxiety as you grow." It's almost like a performer. What most people really don't grasp is that most performers want to vomit just before they go on stage. They may look calm and in control when the mic is in their hands, but most will tell you that if you don't feel anxiety before you go on stage, you won't give your best performance. I think that's what happens to us as we work toward pushing ourselves beyond our comfort zones. Most people just stay uncomfortably comfortable in the abuse they know.  You are pushing your boundaries so you can get out of that abuse. And, just like with the performer on stage, it's nerve wracking. But that anxiety proves we're moving forward into the space we used to be afraid of entering. The space where we have our own power just like other people have. We were put into boxes, and we are carefully, but boldly, pulling ourselves up and out of those boxes. A little shaking and buttefly-stomachs is part of the experience.

Big hug!

[Papa Coco]

I just opened a post from Dollyvee. She shares some really good youtube videos. I just watched this one, and it's PERFECT for people like us who will always feel anxiety around our narcissists. This is a really good video.  Thanks to Dolly for sharing it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vmKnOhdCH0

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Not Alone, Armee, Rainy, San and Papa Coco. I appreciate your words, your thoughts, your validation, your cheers and your hugs.

sibling abuse is very different than siblings fighting w/ each other.

This sparked all sorts of thoughts, San. I agree, and yet it's also an area that's murky for me because of all the minimising I've experienced. Phrases like "all siblings fight" (minimising) and "he had a difficult childhood, so you have to make allowances" (which told me I was being unreasonable, I should let him do whatever he wanted to me and not complain). Just thinking about those phrases makes me feel a degree of anger, which is probably healthy.

One reason why I find it so murky is I have a part who took all the minimising on board, and she's not quite ready to let go of it yet. I've found this article helpful (but TW for an image at the top of two kids fighting):https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/202002/sibling-bullying-and-abuse-the-hidden-epidemic

I hope the shakiness doesn't last too long, but that was great what you said to your friend.

It went about half an hour after I posted. I read a couple of years or so ago, probably in an article about TRE, that animals shake after they've had a stressful encounter, and the shaking is a way of getting rid of the stress. Humans will often try and stop shaking, which prolongs it, but if you deliberately shake more, it goes away quicker. It works for me, anyway.

[CrackedIce]

When I read your bit about shaking before, I thought about my therapy sessions.  I found that I always 'shook' when in a therapy session.  I do remote therapy via video chat at my work desk, which is in a basement; I always chalked up the shaking to being cold, but upon reflection I'm in that spot 8 hours a day and never shake otherwise!

As you said, I think shaking is one of the body's many ways of dealing with stress and trauma, and hopefully it's a sign of 'shaking free' of the built up emotions, or at the very least indicating that we're along the right track when processing things.

Have a good week!

[Snowdrop]

That makes sense, CrackedIce. I can see that the shaking might be part of you processing and shaking it off.

======

I've had a pretty good week. I've been able to get a lot of work done, and things have gone well. I think what helps is I'm more able to let parts contribute. If a part doesn't like an approach I'm taking, I take it on board and modify what I'm doing.

Emotionally, I've felt pretty steady.

[rainydiary]

I'm glad you are finding things that feel supportive and that your week went well.  I appreciate your reflection about listening to the parts of yourself and making adjustments based on that information.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, that minimizing stuff is so disrespectful, so manipulative, and so much a denial of the other person.  isn't it a cousin to gaslighting? causing you to doubt your perception and perspective of a situation?  i'm thinking probably so.  i also think it's a good thing to have felt some anger about the situation.  to me, anger would be totally appropriate for all that.  very sorry you had to go thru it.  sending love and a hug full of 'i know what i know!' 

[Bach]

I've been dealing with minimising with a few different things lately and it is so draining.  Good for you speaking up for yourself, Snowdrop 

[Armee]

Being able to listen to your parts and modify how you do things if there's internal discomfort seems really big. I'd like to borrow that and try it out. And in fact maybe that's exactly what happened for me tonight now that I think about it this way. 

Thanks for sharing. It helped me. I hope it helped you.

[Snowdrop]

It's an approach that works for me, Armee. I'm glad you found it helpful too.

While journeying, I once had a vision of the parts being the crew of a sailing ship, with my Self as the captain. Instead of different parts trying to take control and an air of panic and disarray, my Self was in control.

At the time, the ship was charting a course through a storm. The sky was black, the rain was lashing down, and the sea was choppy. When I think of it now, there's a blue sky and the waters are calm.

The interaction between parts feels different as well. My Self is still captain, but the parts feel better. More self-worth, perhaps, and valued. It might be because more parts have released burdens and taken on different roles. It's good progress, anyway.

=====

I had a bit of a trigger point yesterday. I have work relating to something I studied at Uni, and it's stirred up a few parts. The lecturer for that subject was an abuser, so they were scared.

The work will probably only take a day, but the associated weight is heavy. Yesterday it felt overwhelming, which is completely understandable.

I've been working with the parts.

• I'm not stupid. I'm finding it hard and having mental blocks because of what happened. There are scared parts who are trying to protect me.
• I hear the parts and I thank them. I'm here for them.
• I understand why it feels overwhelming. Of course it does! I get it.
• It happened in the past. I'm not in that situation now.
• Things are different now. The parts are safe. I've got them.
• He doesn't own the subject.
• Doing something with the subject won't bring him back, or draw attention to me. I'm safe.
• The man was intellectually brilliant, but an abusive groomer. These things are not incompatible.
• He was a manipulative gaslighter. He said things that weren't true to manipulate me.
• He deliberately tried to isolate me. I think he tried to turn people against me, and in part, he succeeded. This is on him.
• He was an infantile, narcissistic misogynist.
• All of the things I've just said about him are objectively valid and true.
• I'm there for my parts. It's OK.
• If the work really doesn't feel right for whatever reason, it's OK. I don't have to do it.
• There are parts who would like to do the work to take ownership.

I've written down a plan of action for tackling the work in little steps that I can check off. This makes it more manageable and approachable for the parts who feel threatened. They're on board with my approach in principle. If it becomes too much for them, I can stop the work and come back to it later, or decide not to do it at all. Either option is OK, and the parts who want to do the work to take ownership have compassion and understand.