Snowdrop's new journal

[Snowdrop]

Oops, I missed the earlier replies .

Thank you, Rainy, for the support and validation.

That's a good point about minimising and gaslighting, San. I can see what you mean. I think the minimising I experienced came from a place of denial and not wanting to know from the other person. Like putting up a blockade. Very isolating. As you say, I know what I know!

I'm sorry you've been dealing with minimising stuff as well, Bach. I hear you, it can be very draining.

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I fel better for writing what I did earlier. I'm not doing anything more about it today, and this is perfectly OK .

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy, your list is very impressive.  it sounds like you have a solid handle on where the blame/shame belongs, which is great!  and i agree - writing all that is enough for a while.  i agree, it is perfectly all right to take a break.  love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

Thanks San .

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Interesting. I listened to a hypnosis track this afternoon, and part way through a traumatised part spontaneously unburdened.

It was one of the parts affected by the situation I mentioned earlier today. She shared her experiences with me, I heard and witnessed her experiences with compassion, and after she'd finished, I felt the burden leave. It was like releasing a blockage, and I had a feeling of expansion, space and Self immediately afterwards.

I can't remember a part spontaneously unburdening in quite this way before. Normally, I actively approach a system of parts, negotiate with protectors and go through things step-by-step.

I think it happened because of the things I mentioned in my earlier post. I think the part just felt ready to unburden, so she did.

Fascinating.

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Update: there's one extra thing to mention in case it's relevant. Earlier today, before listening to the hypnosis track, I did some tapping on releasing anxiety. It was a guided one on the Tapping Solution app, and one I've regularly used before. Maybe the tapping helped the part, which led to her unburdening when I listened to the hypnosis track? It's just a thought. Either way, it's all good.

[Snowdrop]

Today has gone well. Apart from some polishing, I've finished the work that I found so triggering yesterday, and it was fine. The parts who wanted to take ownership of it are happy. The part who was so activated and spontaneously unburdened yesterday is also happy. She even found the material quite interesting. I wonder if she might decide to have a new role in this general area, but that's up to her.

Now that she's unburdened, I need to check in with the part every day for the next 30 days to make sure she's OK and doesn't pick up the burden again. So far so good.

[sanmagic7]

so sorry, snowdrop - i called you rainy by mistake earlier.  i have been rattled lately so can only think it's messed w/ my brain quite a bit.

so glad your day went well, and your part was able to unburden.  fascinating, indeed!  let's hope it sticks.  love and hugs, my dear

[Snowdrop]

That's OK, San. You probably caught a glimpse of my reply to Rainy at the top of the page, so her name came out your fingers! Love and hugs back

[Snowdrop]

Everything's still going well. The part who spontaneously unburdened is happy, and all the other parts are accepting.

I've just started reading Transcending Trauma: Healing Complex PTSD with Internal Family Systems by Frank Anderson. It's very good, and I'm finding it helpful. I actually bought the book about a year ago, but I wasn't able to read it while I was ill. I'm glad I'm able to read it now.

[Snowdrop]

All going well. There's a feeling of space, lightness and looking forward. Also genuine enthusiasm for my work. I was about to say it's like getting back a part of me I thought I'd lost, but that's the reality of what it is.

I'm aware of a related part from the same system, and I've started to work with her.

The Transcending Trauma book is excellent. I'm about halfway through, and it resonates with me so much. There are lots of things I can put into practice, and as I read, I can feel reactive protector parts soften. They feel heard and validated.

I like that the book is very much focused on complex trauma. I find it adds to and builds on the Internal Family Systems Therapy book by Richard Schwartz.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you're finding reading material which is helpful for you, snowdrop.  keep it up!  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

It is awesome that you were able to listen to the Part with compassion and that she was able to unburden. Beautiful.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing things that are helpful.

[Snowdrop]

San, Not Alone and Rainy: thank you for your care and support. I value it and appreciate you being there.

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There's part of Chapter 21: Common Comorbidities that deeply resonates. Parts are practically pointing at it and saying "look!" so I'm pasting it below to help them feel heard and witnessed. While the details are different (I didn't have a heart attack and I wasn't a partner), it reminds me of the circumstances under which I left my employment. Reading it brought tears to my eyes because I recognise that parts are still carrying some of their heartbreak for similar reasons. I think I can use this knowledge to help those parts heal.

I recently worked with a client named Antonio who was recovering from a heart attack. Here is a sample of the dialogue we shared:

"Antonio, I wonder if you're open to listening to your parts about your recent heart attack," I said.

"What do you mean? Do you think I caused it or something?"

"No, I'm not saying that at all. I think that there's a strong mind-body connection, and perhaps your parts might be able to help us understand if there's any connection between what they're carrying and your physical symptoms."

"I guess so," Antonio said. "Just ask if any of your parts knows anything about your heart attack."

"This is fascinating," Antonio said with his eyes closed. "I would have never guessed this in a million years. What I'm hearing is that there is a connection to my job: 'You've worked so hard for so many years to become a partner at that firm. You gave them everything—long days and many nights and weekends away from the family. You busted your butt for them, and now this new management team is treating you like crap.' What they are telling me is true. I feel like I have no power anymore. My parts are saying that they're brokenhearted."

"Wow, that makes so much sense to me, Antonio," I responded. "Let them know that we're hearing this."

"Oh, you bet I will. I had no idea that this was going on inside," Antonio said, who then paused a moment. "They say it's 50-50. They say I'm not eating clean and not nearly exercising enough—that half of this is medical and the other 50 percent is about their heartbreak."

"Let them know you're really getting all of this, Antonio."

"You know what? This is an echo of my childhood. I worked so hard as a kid too, trying to get my parents to see me and love me, and it never worked. They were always too busy with one thing or another. They never seemed to have the time to care about me. Now I feel like it's happening all over again at work."

"Let your parts know that there's a way we can help them with the feelings they're carrying about your childhood and that it most likely will help you better manage the current problems at work. Are they interested in that?"

"Yes, definitely. They're so happy we asked them about all of this. They said I wasn't caring about them, in the same way that my employer and parents didn't care about me."

"All of these layers and connections make a lot of sense, Antonio. What do you want to say to them about that?"

"I'm not going to repeat this pattern. The buck stops here," he said with conviction.

[sanmagic7]

what a great excerpt, snowdrop.  i'm finding out more and more how my present day perspective and handling of situations - besides all the physical - totally leads back to childhood.  this is strong stuff.  thanks for sharing.  love and hugs

[Snowdrop]

I found it so powerful, San. I'm glad you liked it too.

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I'm helping quite a few parts at the moment, so I decided to journey to meet them. From my experiences in my previous journal, journeying works well with IFS because it makes it easier to go deeper with the parts and help them more effectively, partly because it gives me more access to Self-energy.

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The part who spontaneously unburdened is doing well. She shared more with me, and unburdened some more. She wants to take on a new role as a researcher.

There's a protector part in the same system who I met yesterday. I didn't say much about the part yesterday because she didn't want me to. Today there was a definite improvement. I am so grateful to her for protecting the wounded part, and she was able to unburden.

Part of the unburdening was her telling me how awful the lecturer was. We ended up writing a letter to him that went: "Dear *, you were a * teacher and a * human being, so * off" (). We posted it by folding it into a paper airplane. Sending it felt really good

I then moved onto the parts affected by the circumstances when I left my job some years ago. This involved three parts.

The first part was heartbroken about what had happened. She'd worked so hard, and felt as though she'd been cast aside for her shiny new male coworker. It was just like with F. Then she turned into a very young, tiny part who was trying to look like a boy. She said that no matter how hard she tried or worked, it was never good enough for F. F would tell her to try harder, work harder, and she felt as though he'd always choose her older brother, not her. She was trying to look like a boy to be more acceptable.

The second part was a protector. She helped me leave my job because she couldn't bear the pain of the little wounded part; she took her out of the situation.

I heard and witnessed both parts, and we spent some time releasing part of the burdens by skimming stones across a lake at sunset.

While we were doing this, a critical protector part turned up. She'd taken on a lot of F's energy to try and preempt F's words, but she didn't like it. I asked her how much of it came from F, and she showed me a big boulder. She didn't want to carry it any more, so we threw it into the lake. She then told the little part that she didn't have to try and look like a boy any more, she was good exactly how she was. The little part transformed into a little girl, and we burned the little boy outfit. My guide then sent healing Self-energy to the three parts, which they accepted.

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It was an interesting journey. I'm glad parts were able to unburden. I'll continue to check in with and help them every day over the next month.

[Blueberry]

That's some powerful work you're doing Snowdrop. Thank you for sharing.