Snowdrop's new journal

[Snowdrop]

Thanks Blueberry, I appreciate it.

All going well. I've checked in with all the parts I'm currently working with, and they're all ok. I'm feeling the difference with the part who spontaneously unburdened taking on a researcher role.

I've just read the following in Chapter 24 of the Transcending Trauma book:

I recommend that clients briefly check in with their unburdened part every day for about three to four weeks, as Richard Schwartz has advised. I've noticed that when I've done this with my own newly healed parts, they gently fade into the background and become part of my overall system.

I wanted to paste it here because it precisely describes what I've previously experienced.

[Snowdrop]

I frequently find that when I start working with a system of parts, more parts pop up and say hello. They see what's happening and make themselves known because they want healing too. In this situation, I have to be mindful of the new parts, but careful that I don't take on too much at once.

You may have gathered that it's happened this time too. Some polarised parts have surfaced. One part feels very isolated and wants friendship and connection; she wants to be seen and heard. This upsets another part who views being seen and heard as dangerous, something to be avoided. There's a third part who tries to push the other two away from me because she thinks they're disruptive.

I've told the parts that I get what they're telling me and I'm there for them, but I don't have spare capacity to work with them right now. I've also asked them not to overwhelm me, which they've taken on board; I can listen to them without them flooding me. I've also directed them towards the parts waiting room, which they have accepted.

The other parts I'm actively working with seem fine.

[Snowdrop]

Today it feels right to voice something that happened last year while I was away from the forum. It hurt the polarised parts I mentioned yesterday.

It was in the summer. By this point, I'd started sitting outside and doing gentle exercises when it was warm enough to help me get better. I'd see my neighbour go past sometimes, and I'd call out hello if I knew she was there, but didn't get a reply. She genuinely might not have seen or heard me, or maybe she didn't want to.

In the summer I walked out the door when she was going past. I said hello and she stopped. She said she hadn't seen me in a long time, how was I? She said "everyone" had been talking about me, they hadn't seen me around for a long time. I explained I'd been ill. She minimised it. She said again "everyone" had been talking about me and wondering where I'd got to. She said she'd told them that I liked keeping to myself and didn't want to see anyone, "she's not like us". She again minimised my illness, and said "everyone" was talking about me.

It's upsetting to write about this. I'd reached a point where I felt more able to go out and see people. This episode pushed me right back. The minimising. The othering. I felt gossiped about, which felt threatening. If "everyone" had been so concerned about my whereabouts, why did nobody approach me and ask? And telling people I didn't want anything to do with them? That made things so much harder. Maybe that's why nobody seemed to care?

I told H, and he wondered if it was just a poor choice of words. I told a friend and he thought it was horrid. Regardless of intent, it was horrid.

The part who wants to be heard feels better for me writing this, and has now unblended with me. The part who thinks being seen and heard is a threat also feels better for me writing this, and feels some compassion for the other part.

[Hope67]

Dear Snowdrop,
Firstly, I wanted to send you a heartfelt hug of support  and say I'm glad you were able to write about this event in your life, and that part of you feels better for writing about it.  As I read what you wrote, I felt compassion for you, and I also felt some feelings towards your neighbour.  I am sorry that she minimised your illness. 

I missed you when you weren't here - I am happy that you're back here again, and I so hope that you're able to do whatever things you want to do, in your neighbourhood now, and that you don't mind that neighbour - because maybe she didn't know what to say, and her words were not very thoughtful.

Hope that today is a nice day for you, with some nice experiences in it.
Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Snowdrop

I'm sorry your neighbor did that to you. The use of the word "Everyone" in her sentences is usually a sign that this person needs to be dealt with carefully. I always say I can smell a narcissist from a mile away, and this is one of the ways I can smell them.  "Everyone is worried" is a narcissist's primary trick, meant to make you feel like you are "the only odd one in the group." Minimizing your life while bragging about her own is another red flag. Making herself into the spokesman for you while you're not there to defend yourself is a third red flag. When you say she tells the neighbors that you're different than them...well... just be very careful about this person. These are three red flags in one report. Narcissists are extremely easy to spot as long as you heed the red flags.

The feeling of being "represented" by a narcissist is a helpless feeling. I'm glad you are up to talking about the situation now. Please don't feel like you're being a bad person by wondering if she's being a villain or not. They have power when we are too polite to accuse them of being exactly what they are...narcissists.

I hope the other neighbors are wise enough to make their own decisions about who you are and why you were absent during your illness.

Obviously, narcissists are my most profound hot-button. They rile me up faster than any other type of scoundrel. They do SO MUCH damage to good people.

Here's a hug from one narcissist's victim to another. 

[Armee]

I'm so sorry that happened to you Snowdrop. Like Papa Coco I agree this was not some poor choice of words but an intentional choice of words that affected you the way they were designed to. That neighbor is a bad person. Anyone you'd want to be friends with in the neighborhood would likely see past her and know exactly which one is not like the others. It's her. It's really sad no one checked on you that whole time. 

I know with Covid my ability to extend myself to others is severely taxed and damaged and I feel ashamed for that. Perhaps the silence from your other neighbors is more that phenomenon than anything having to do with your worth or what lies they have been fed?

Hugs to your parts. They did a good job. That was a very hurtful comment that was designed to be hurtful. Those people don't deserve to hurt us.

[Snowdrop]

Hope, Papa Coco and Armee: your thoughtful replies yesterday really helped me. Thank you so much.

Hope, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your compassion. Your words and the hug helped me and my parts feel heard, wanted and cared for. I missed you too.

Papa Coco, thank you for spelling out so clearly why her behaviour came across as narcissistic. I found that helpful because it helped to clarify why the hurtful things were so hurtful. I think part of it was a sense of shock and betrayal as well because H and I had helped her a lot in the past. Thank you.

Armee, thank you for the validation and your thoughts on what happened. I think you're right when you say anyone I'd want to be friends with would likely see past her and know which one is not like the others. My parts appreciated the hug and being told they did a good job. It helped them unblend.

=====

Yesterday was quite hard, so I decided to take the afternoon off and rest under a weighted blanket. I had company in the form of a lovely fluffy cat. She's not my cat -- she lives a few houses away -- but she comes round to see me every day and I adore her.

I've been ok today.

This afternoon I decided to journey to check up on the parts I've been working with recently. I decided to include the polarised pair I've spoken about the past couple of days.

I first met a part who's been making me dissociate. She said she's been doing it to stop me being overwhelmed. I told her I understood and thanked her, which she appreciated. I offered an alternative solution, which was for me to help heal the parts so she wouldn't need me to dissociate. Also I can listen to parts without them overwhelming me. She thought this sounded good, and agreed to ease off

The protector for the part who spontaneously unburdened had wandered off into the background. When I found her again, she was happy.

The part who spontaneously unburdened was also happy. She's loving her researcher role. I asked if there were any gifts she wanted, there were, so I gave them to her. This made her look brighter.

The part who helped me leave my job is fine, and had also wandered off into the background. I thanked her for her help, and told her how right she'd been. She appreciated me valuing her.

The part who had taken on F's energy was also doing well. She was delighted with the part she was protecting and is happy with her progress. She also told me that she can't give up her role just yet because she's involved with other parts as well; these parts can wait, there's nothing urgent. She seems to have a good relationship with my Self.

The tiny part who'd been dressed as a boy was happily running round wearing fairy wings. I went into the past with her for a do-over. During the do-over, F told her he loved her and valued her as she was. He hugged her and gave her a shiny tiara to wear. She started running round a meadow chasing butterflies, and I left her in a safe space being looked after by fairies.

I met the polarised parts last.

The part who's wary of people welcomed being validated by friends here. I told her I understood why she felt the way she did. She appreciated this. She was a lot less intense than she's been the past couple of days.

The part who felt so hurt by the neighbour also appreciated being validated by friends here. I told her that it made a lot of sense that she felt hurt. She said she'd felt betrayed. She'd thought the neighbour was safe. She also said that she's carrying wounds that go back to other situations. We agreed that she wouldn't overwhelm me, and she'd only let it out in tiny amounts to help with that. I told her that if I'm not overwhelmed, my Self can be with her so has connection and isn't isolated. She loved that and we hugged.

All the parts I saw today were willing to accept love from my Self.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing about taking time to rest and hanging out with a cat.  I love cats and wish I had one around all the time.  I have one cat and would have so many more if she and my husband would tolerate it. 

[Snowdrop]

Rainy, when I first started bonding with the cat, I used to think of you and yours. It's lovely having her around, and she's currently curled up asleep on me.

=====

I slept better than normal last night. I took a Bach Flower Remedy blend before going to bed, which I think helped.

I had a nightmare about where I used to work. The events in the nightmare didn't happen in real life, but the underlying misogyny was. When I was alert enough to know I was dreaming, I realised that it felt related to parts. I thanked the parts for sharing with them and told them I was there with them.

I've checked in with the parts I'm currently working with, and everything seems fine.

[Not Alone]

Your neighbor did minimize your illness. She also spoke for you. How dare her!

I continue to appreciate your care and attention to your parts.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
It was truely lovely to read your interactions with your parts, and how they were able to feel validated and loved in the way you described.  Sending safe hugs to any of your parts who want one    This is a hug for your Self   

I love the fact you have that bond with the lovely fluffy cat - that sounds so nice. 

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you, Not Alone, for your outrage on my behalf, it helps. I also appreciate your care and support.

I'm so glad you liked reading about the interactions I've had, Hope. The parts and my Self love the hugs.

=====

All is still going well. The parts I've been working with seem settled. Some of them have faded into the background and are far less prominent. The researcher part who spontaneously unburdened has been doing brilliantly.

I've had good results from being in my Self more. Something happened that is usually triggering, but this time it wasn't particularly. I've also been getting on well with my parents without parts getting activated. I think my increase in Self energy has meant their Self energy has also been stronger, so they've had fewer activated parts as well.

[CrackedIce]

Hey Snowdrop!  I find reading about your IFS work really inspiring!  It makes me want to start back into that process... I had started it with my therapist awhile ago but we never got that far into it, only identifying one or two parts.

Hope you have a good week!

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, that neighbor was horrid, mean, and nasty.  how dare she!  you don't deserve to be talked to like that.   

it sounds like you're making some great progress w/ your parts.  keep up the good work.  gentle hugs to all, love and a hug full of bug spray for that gnat of a neighbor!

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you find it helpful to read about my IFS work, CrackedIce. That helps me in turn, because my parts feel more heard and witnessed, which they appreciate. If you're wondering about giving IFS another try, it would be well worth your therapist reading Frank Anderson's Transcending Trauma book. It's aimed at therapists, and goes into the nitty gritty of applying IFS to complex trauma. I hope you have a good week too!

Thank you for your outrage, San, and the validation and support. I appreciate the bug spray  .

=====

Everything is still going well with the parts I've been working with.

The researcher part who spontaneously unburdened is doing brilliantly, and loves her new role.

The tiny part with the fairy wings is doing well. She knows she's plenty good enough being a girl.

The polarised parts seem settled and fine. The part who was feeling isolated likes the increased connection with my Self, and the other part is less isolated as a result.