Of course it's worth it!

[Blueberry]

Part of final post in previous Journal of 2 pages: I realise now - once again - how important it is for me to do things that are good for me because that helps with resilience which I need in order to keep going with my plans! And I also need in order not to be bowled over by anything from whoever.

So this is my new Journal with an important healing sentence I came up with when I was inpatient: Of course it's worth it! Because huge parts of me say that it's not worth it. Not worth it to do anything, not even worth getting out of bed and getting on with my day. Or not worth doing what I'd planned/envisaged because too small, too minor w/o remembering that when that small thing is accomplished, then I can move onto the next. When I don't accomplish that small thing, I don't move onto the next bigger thing either. I just get stuck.

[Bach]

Blueberry, I love this.  Wishing you the best with this great theme for your new journal.

[rainydiary]

I really like the idea of a theme for the journal and appreciate the one you chose.

[Armee]

Love it!!! When I have the energy perhaps I will start a new journal with a positive reminder in it's title too

[Blueberry]

Thank you all Bach, rainydiary and Armee 

Looking back over the day, I'm definitely more in the frame of mind: Of course it's worth it!

Got going with various things today, pulled through, set things in motion, got help, took up offers of help, know a bit better what I want going forwards, at least for the moment.        Though I will let the other side of me speak too:     It can be both: good things and sad, devastating things in one day. Good on the surface of what is happening today but sadness and devastation linked to my past.

It's my other choir practice tonight and I will go. Because of course it's worth it! Yesterday evening at choir practice our director came over and asked if I was OK. I admitted I wasn't but that at least I had come to practice. She had seen I wasn't OK, that's why she asked and then gave me a brief half-hug. It helps me that people see it now (my pain, my sadness, my present difficult life situation with LL etc) and acknowledge it and acknowledge me in all of it. Different from FOO then and now. 

ETA:
From yesterday - Considering the current situation, I'm managing extremely well. Ditto today. But it's really good I worked on that in occup. T yesterday otherwise I wouldn't have been aware of it today. Being aware of it helped me believe in myself today, helped me not harangue myself. So important!

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, blueberry! Congrats on the new journal and the positive feelings. That was kind of your choir director to do. You are seen and you are heard. 

[Armee]

It really does help. For people to see and acknowledge the suffering. Not many are comfortable with that so way to go your choir director! But especially you, Blueberry, for being honest.

[Blueberry]

Thanks CF and Armee

To M and F,

I mentioned in my previous email that I have some major and unavoidable expenses coming up in the next 1-2 years. You haven't responded so it seems you're not interested, but just in case you were, these expenses are coming NOW unexpectedly early. So if you actually do care about me as you profess to, it would be a really good time to respond to those questions I sent you and to start sending money again. Also to send the lump sum. I don't need to invest it, I will be living off it.

My impression is unfortunately that you don't really care. After all, you, M, mentioned you're putting money aside for grandchildren's university fees. What the actual...? That's more important to you than me having a roof over my head??

If you EVER want any form of contact with me again then it is high time you responded to this email and the previous one (which I also printed out and sent as a letter). You also need to treat me better e.g. by treating me equal to B1 and B2. That includes notifying me directly of important matters rather than via B1 and/or B2 because it's 'too much bother'. 

If you do not at least acknowledge receipt of this email and my email from ... by Nov. 15th and respond to them both by Nov. 30th, then that's it. I'm cutting off contact with you both and unlike previous times, I won't be going back on my decision. I don't want any contact with people who treat me as badly as you do. None at all. To recap: if you want to retain me as a daughter in more than name only, then you'd better act fast.

I will inform B1 and B2.

Bringing this forward from approx 2 months ago and bringing it over from Recovery Letters.
I didn't send it. Though I might have done.

Now I have been informed of things by B1 and B2. They are men but they weren't mansplaining, they were narcsplaining, a word coined by a (possibly previous) mbr on here, but in reply to one of my FOO posts. Basically with no idea how badly my parents have been treating me within the past few years, especially deceptive behaviour, like not answering my questions, lying, prevaricating etc etc, my sibs are now explaining to me as if I were a 10 yo why money transfers are not dependable and I 'ought to take this into consideration'. My brothers do not mention it, but I know that they must have read a questionnaire I sent to my parents a few months ago, basically demanding answers as in YES or NO. My parents have been messing me around since about 2017 on financial issues. And part of it is this narcsplaining - a refusal to take me seriously (that's how it appears to me). At any rate a refusal to engage in a discussion, reach a conclusion and carry through with it.

My questionnaire was a bit of an explosion, I did write at the top of it, above the actual questions that I was angry. What I wrote does seem to have contributed to the betterment of my financial situation. To get a certain sum of money I was meant to explain how I was going to invest it - now I remember it was that request relayed by B2 to me which finally led to my writing the questionnaire. So I seem since then to have finally got thru their thick skulls with the information that I'm living off that money because I have to rather than because I'm too lazy to invest it. SMH to the degree of which FOO wants to have control over me and control over how I spend my money. Underlying that is their misconception that they still know better than I do what's good for me psychologically-speaking. Whereas they never actually did know! And even if they had had an inkling at some point, how could they possibly know more than me now?!?

I realise that money is a control issue in FOOs like mine but firstly other people on this forum will know that living off disability/welfare is not an easy place to be! Especially when you know it's for life. When I get to that stage, it will be for life, so I'm trying to stay off as long as possible. Secondly atm there are things I still need which cost some money, shall we say. Cost-cutting in these areas is still likely to throw me backwards in recovery. Let's just say MOO to that. I don't want a discussion on this precise point, because in the end only I can decide what's best for me: continued negotiation with deranged FOO. I don't always want to say 'narcs' because that can get prescriptive including prescriptive about how I or anybody should deal with them. Yes, it's difficult, yes I cried today. Well, I think some Little Blueberries cried today, but after writing all this stuff out, I realise that my negotiations have borne fruit Not only have I got that 4-figure sum w/o having to detail any investment arrangements, but as I found out today - in a set of payments due to continue regularily to all three of us adult kids, I am going to receive a higher amount than both sibs. This additional amount is substantial for me, sort of thing that could cover phone, Internet and electricity every month.

Now I've become aware of my Journal title again: Of course it's worth it! It's worth fighting for, it was worth fighting for. Here's the thing for me, not necessarily for anybody else on here with their FOOs, I seem to want to fight this. I want to finally be heard in FOO. And although more or less everybody on here and on OOTF will say or have already written to me, possibly not in so many words: forget it, they won't hear you, it's nottrue in my case. I have been heard despite the fact that my questionnaire was undoubtedly perceived to be 'rude'. But it got through to them. And here's the other thing: I used the medium I can work in rather than what my parents stipulate: 'why can't we discuss all this on the phone?' they'd whine in their emails 'it would be so much easier'. For them that is. But I never allowed it a) because No Phone Calls is one of my boundaries   and b) because I wanted a written record of what was discussed and decided. I have this written record. And I got through to them in writing with my questionnaire. Another win for me! 

Apologies very long post, but writing it out brought a lot of clarity. 

[Snowdrop]

Well done, Blueberry, for getting through to them on your terms. 

[Blueberry]

It's almost time to get up and I haven't even been to bed yet so just briefly: I've sent an email to both sibs and I have really let rip about our parents' treatment of me especially about finances, but mixed up with that is also the sibs' treatment of me. I didn't write "if our parents ever want contact with me..." as I did in the Recovery Letter I copied over here, I didn't need to spell that out.

It was so worth it - however my sibs react - even if they completely cut contact and refuse to send any more money. They now have power of attorney over all our parents' affairs, as they informed me a few days ago, so they could decide to cut me off. On their head be it. I am just so glad I finally got this crapola down on paper (well, email) instead of having it festering in me, wanting to say it but being too worried to, having my Little Blueberries being too frightened. They're not frightened of any concrete consequences in the here and now since they don't have any real concept of money, they're frightened of a different type of repercussion like emotional/psychological abuse, gaslighting. They don't understand those big words either so not triggered while I write this.

For me and my bravery and for Little Blueberries

[Armee]

Hey 

This is amazing. You have little blueberries.  you're acknowledging them. That's huge isn't it?

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I think you are brave to have written the e-mails and communicated with your siblings, and I second the  to you and your Little Blueberries.  I hope that your siblings will take account and listen of the things you communicated to them. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you all Snowdrop, Armee and Hope  

It was worth sending that email to my sibs! It stirred up my energy in a good way so that I had trouble falling asleep last night lol. Contrary to previous occasions after writing and sending that kind of missive, I don't feel fear in my gut or anywhere else. No feeling ashamed or as if I've done something wrong. Big progress

Well, I'm very tired so that's it for now.

[rainydiary]

BB, I'm glad that sending the message was supportive to you.  I hope you have found some rest.

[Armee]

That's amazing Blueberry that you were able to send that without big backlash like fear.