Of course it's worth it!

[Blueberry]

Yesterday when I got to my old place I discovered that nobody had thrown out any of my plants
I had time to dig out a few more and then took them to the temporary garden where they can all stay a good few weeks till I sort out where to put them in new garden.

Yesterday I felt so much gratitude about all the help I've been given during the run up to my move, during move and afterwards. Fortunately it's easier for me to express gratitude than it used to be, so e.g. I was able to tell the elderly gardener, who helped me set up a temporary bed in his garden and who also pruned back roots and plant tops where necessary, how grateful I was.

I found a piece of paper signed by ex-LL and accomplice who tried to claim a 4-figure sum off me but the paper proves I don't owe it! Just have to go through with another appt this evening at tenant's rights and hope that's more or less the end of things.

[Blueberry]

Today at T, I voluntarily brought up a memory about eating and my homework is to feel before, after or during eating. I've spent the day avoiding feeling and avoiding eating. Also avoiding getting on with anything else. I brought up that possibility in T and it's all OK. I don't have to feel before eating or any other time, that's just an option.

I checked over here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11152.45 where I have a number of posts, at least one where I did manage to feel. But generally same old, same old: I don't want to feel.

'It' doesn't feel worth it today, just want to curl up in the warmth somewhere.

[Armee]

 

It's OK to not feel today.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee, I guess you're right. Thank you for reminding me.

[Blueberry]

Another day of not feeling that "of course it's worth it!" And with that, simply not getting up to do those things I most definitely need to do. I was thinking earlier of "Fake it till you make it" but merely thinking doesn't get things moving. I did eventually get myself something semi-healthy to eat because I was physically feeling hunger. That is a large part of my voluntary homework / task from T - to feel physically, so not just to feel my emotions, but physical sensations too. When am I hungry? When am I no longer hungry? What does that feel like? i.e. how do I know I'm no longer hungry? Pretty basic questions but I've been cut off from my body for a long time. How did I know I was no longer hungry today? Absence of hunger pangs. I know T would ask at some time tho maybe not right away what I felt instead. That's something I don't know atm. But also something to watch out for next time.

He also said this task of mine, it can be playful. It most certainly does not have to be all the time and not like ticking a list off every day. He's often tried to get me to look at things in a playful way. Not sure if 'playful' is really getting the concept across. Sort of 'just try it out and see'. There's no real goal, I can stop any time I want to or need to. Rn I got into the task by writing about it. Merely thinking may not get things moving, but writing on OOTS seems to get me further than I envisage all the time.

After writing and doing some feeling of physical sensations, I feel more enlivened and maybe 5 on the 1-10 scale of happiness, which is better than before. And 8 on the scale of gratitude and 4 on the scale of certainty (doesn't refer to the certainty on scale-rating because they're things I feel w/o thought)

[Armee]

but writing on OOTS seems to get me further than I envisage all the time.

Me too. 

I like your new T. They seem good.

I think you get permission to take a few days of guilt free down time after that big move! No shoulds from me!

[Not Alone]

I think that you are doing amazing. Moving is such a big event.  Give yourself a lot of kindness and permission to take things slowly.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Armee for reminding me about that 'should' thing. Part of me wants to get all set up in new apt and enjoy and part wants to go back to bed and do crosswords, read etc. Part 2 has been winning a lot but I am up now, have swept floors and set up a few things or set back up.

Thank you Notalone. I haven't been giving myself kindness, I don't think. More shame and blame.

btw Armee, my T isn't new. Till the new T can take me which might take 6-9 months I can see my old T 2-3 times a quarter.

Tomorrow the carpenter is bringing my bed, changed to fit the new apt. I really need to clear my bedroom of boxes, which would involve putting clothes away and putting dicey ones up in the attic space. Dicey ones probably don't fit, but I didn't get round to checking them out before I moved. I checked some out but not all.

People say "you're very central" but I'm not as central as I used to be. I have to make a bit of effort to see people, interact with people and that effort has been too much these past few days.

[rainydiary]

Best wishes settling into your new place.

[CactusFlower]

Moving is a big thing. The nice part is that once you're there, you can (mostly) take it at your own pace to unpack and arrange/decorate/whatever.  Wishing you energy and congrats!

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry, i echo the idea that you've done a huge thing in moving.  my D and i have been where we are for nearly 2 yrs., and we still haven't unpacked everything - trauma, stress, fatigue, lack of energy have all gotten in the way of that.  do what you can when you are able - it's enough.  i agree to be kind to yourself, gentle. 

and tackling eating issues is also huge.  listening to your body is a big deal, one we've often not been allowed.  it takes practice and time.  you deserve a break.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you all!

I finally contacted LL about meeting him to get a form filled in. It seems so little, but step by step. Baby steps count.

Also "Of course it's worth it!" is my title here because it doesn't always feel that way. Sometimes the opposite which is kind of close to SI as I discovered one day on here a while back. It was a bit that way today too. Fortunately the day's almost over. Now that I've actually moved out of the damp loud dusty dirty unheated apt where I felt emotionally unsafe and constantly on edge, other stuff is coming up i.e. FOO stuff which I don't want to feel, so I 'disappear' and don't get on with things e.g.

It's good to simply acknowledge what's going on.

[Larry]

Hi Blueberry,  thinking of you....

[Blueberry]

Thank you Larry

[Armee]

I'm sorry it felt so bad today.