Of course it's worth it!

[Blueberry]

And it continued. When it started actually raining in a more serious way in my bedroom this morning, I sent my sibs an email entitled Emergency and passing on some home truths of what my poverty means. One phoned back and we had a long talk. There was a little gaslighting going on, a little explaining what xy had meant or been, but I didn't accept that. End result: way more financial help coming from FOO, regularly, and a some sort of 'suretyship' - could that be right in English, idk, so that an LL will accept me despite my feeble income.

After the phone call, the rain got even worse. 5 friends came at the drop of a hat to help me clear my bedroom of almost everything, just covering up a few pieces of larger furniture. Everything cleared has gone back down to my office lol, cuz where else can I put it?? But actually LL okayed that. I've just sent him an earful via email, so maybe actually an eyeful instead. I am really angry. His treatment of me is not acceptable. I have stipulated what he needs to do ASAP. So long as he fails do those things, my possessions are staying in the office and the builders can't start knocking walls down there, which they were supposedly planning soon.

So for me and my little Blueberries 

[Blueberry]

It's hard to feel that things are worth it today. I did take at least one concrete step that direction though with the tomato soup (on 3 Good Things Today). I've been thinking more about contact with sibs last weekend and in general. It's all so convoluted I can't write much down if any.

I was watching more videos by Patrick Teahan yesterday. Helpful. One or two on siblings in dysfunctional families, sibs acting as flying monkeys. Triangulation. On the triangle he had a perpetrator and rescuer in addition to the victim. B1 is a perpetrator but also the rescuer I have to go to e.g. for money. Then lo and behold Teahan said that perpetrator and rescuer can be the same person.

I got an email today from a vague friend willing to come by and take a bunch of photos of things of mine so I can put them on the Internet classifieds. I asked via email a few days ago. So that feels good. Sense of agency returns, at least a bit. Also reality that things are moving forwards again a little because once these things are in the Classifieds, I may sell them, 1) creating space / fewer things before the move and 2) earning a little money. Even if FOO is coming through with money, it's good to feel I'm getting my own money through my own means too. Also usually once I have stuff for sale on the Classifieds, I then feel a willingness to let other things go as well, whether total discard, give away or Classifieds.

Something I did a few days ago which feels really good is - I took all food out of my store cupboards that I'd like to use up before move. Most fits in a shoe box, but still good to consume stuff so the fewer loose ends the better so to speak. A friend brought me a bunch of boxes a few days ago, especially good for books, but I haven't started packing them yet. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm thinking back to phone call with B1 last week. How easy it was to get reeled in again, to just accept the way he talks. He's really quite callous to what I suffer at the hands of FOO including himself. You have to let us know if you need help, he opined. I did at Horrendous FOO Occasion #2 (not that I called it that), I managed to get out, while crying. He seemed oblivious to me crying down the phone and merely said that they (he and other B) wouldn't necessarily help me, that would still be their decision to make. But I had to ask. It took me a few days to realise how callous his stance remains on that awful occasion.

Well, I managed to write more than I'd thought.

[Armee]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee 

________________

LL is behaving like a complete and utter !%!§/! atm. Lies and slander.

I get to see an apartment tomorrow. Unfortunately I'm not really prepared for it. Just ordered a particular document I need and it won't come till Thurs.

However I go back to the sentence I came up with in occup. T last week: Considering what's all going on, I'm managing extremely well. I will get my documents together and I will find a place. Probably not as quickly as LL would like, but that's his problem!

[Blueberry]

I just tried to pack some books in boxes, but I didn't manage. Didn't manage to even really start in fact   And I'd thought books would be easy. I guess not. Tomorrow's another day.

[Armee]

Sometimes easy stuff isn't easy. 

[Blueberry]

I replied to this a few days ago and it got deleted/lost thru IT work. Let's see: I realised due to Armee's comment that my attitude had been something like I should be able to do stuff like whatever-it-was easily. But 'should' isn't good for me. So that's all OK. Now this idea is helping me because I should be doing all sorts of stuff rn but am just roaming around the Internet.

As of this afternoon I have a new apt with spoken confirmation anyway. sign rental agreement on Monday. I thought I'd be raring to get going doing all sorts from continuing clear out to doing laundry to cleaning out Furbabies' massive accommodation but no I'm doing zero of 'importance'. Oh well, maybe tomorrow. During the day time from 7:30am till 4:30pm, the builders are a floor down and working with something that sounds like a pneumatic drill. Maybe it is? It's very loud anyway. I still feel shaky inside. Daytime I can do round about zero because of noise level. Am semi-surprised furbabies haven't had heart attack, the poor little things. Their ears are way more sensitive than mine.  Anyway, I'll now go and get on with stuff.

[rainydiary]

Best wishes preparing for a new apartment.

[Armee]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainy and Armee

It seems a lot of people or at least posters on the forum are having a tough time rn. I'm telling myself that there were times in the past when things were a lot worse for me than they are rn, but of course that isn't helping because that comes out like 'should'. I need to find a particular piece of paper signed by previous LL which is unfortunately not in the file it belongs in.

My apt looks as if a whirlwind went through, but there's nothing for me to do beyond 1) keep procrastinating or 2) start looking. Obviously 2) would be more beneficial. And to go back to the title of this Journal Of Course It's Worth It! a) I might even find that particular piece of paper     b) even if I don't, I'll find other papers to file properly or throw out. Every little thing thrown out is one less thing to pack and move. Every paper filed is one less lying around somewhere to be lost in the move or filed after move.

I was able to give away a few small things this morning, so that is less to pack too.

[Armee]

It seems a lot of people or at least posters on the forum are having a tough time rn. I'm telling myself that there were times in the past when things were a lot worse for me than they are rn, but of course that isn't helping because that comes out like 'should'.

It comes out as a 'should' to you....but to me it sounds like nothing but progress and something to celebrate!

You confronted your FOO and stood up for yourself. In the past, that would have really put you back, right? Plus with the landlord and apartment stuff? Those are hard things to manage! So in my book outside looking in....you are functioning well all things considered. It's not "you SHOULD be able to do more" it's "you ARE doing more." And I may be misremembering things but part of the reason your apartment looks like a whirlwind went through is because you had to quickly pull all your stuff from the office into your apartment because of building leaks? That part is not your fault.

I hope that isn't invalidating or lecturing. If you are struggling hard and need validation for that, you definitely deserve that too! CPTSD and dissociation are hard. Even when things are going well they are hard. 

I used to be able to do more too because I ran right over myself and ignored all the warning signs that things were not OK. So even though things used to be worse for me and I functioned "better" than I do now when things are objectively better....well I'm just paying the price now for what I did to myself in the past. We're both lucky we have a chance to slow down and repair the damage. 

There are no shoulds here from me. What you are going through is hard and even though you are struggling to manage the things that need to be done for the move, that is very understandable in the world of CPTSD and dissociation. Slower is faster.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee! You are so right! Your words remind me of what I came up with in occupational therapy a couple of weeks ago: Considering all what is going on, I am doing extremely well 

I don't read your comments as being lecturing or invalidating.

HaHa, no, it's even worse than you remembered. I'd just moved all my office stuff up into my apt because I gave up the office. Then there were LL/building site-caused leaks in my bedroom which meant I had to move a whole lot of stuff downstairs to my office again to get it out of the wet. Due to the crazy lay-out of my apt, taking stuff out of my bedroom involves going thru the living-room, so we moved some stuff out of living-room as well to make moving out of bedroom easier - chaos for me. I'm looking forward to living in an apartment where there's a little hallway leading to all rooms.

There are new and growing building site problems. And uncertainties too. Although tenant's association basically wrote "don't you dare do anything to our client's possessions in the office, since it's on you that her stuff is down there" to LL, Idk if LL and builders will actually stick to that till I move out in about 5 weeks. Though tenant's assoc-n think that once LL knows I have a new rental agreement, he'll back down and stop behaving like a  &$!!. I get that new rental agreement tomorrow. Also I can't really settle down till I get it.

You're also right that I need to remember the effect that whereever I am exactly on the dissociation spectrum is not helping putting it mildly.

The 'should' going on in my head and mostly feelings is something like 'you're not in such a bad place as you used to be, so you should be able to get going on your stuff today'. That's not too helpful. But you helped me see it differently Armee, so thank you.

Yes, you're also right about us being lucky to be able to slow down and repair damage

I actually did get on with some document filing and throwing out too. One less little pile on the floor. Still haven't found the documents I really need - LL is claiming I didn't pay something which his predecessor finally agreed I didn't need to pay and signed that piece of paper. It was just before I went inpatient last year which - along with my general chaos re: papers - will explain why I can't find it.

Somebody I know with adult-diagnosed ADD said this kind of inability to keep papers sorted is part of ADD. Maybe it is. Or maybe it's just my particular brand of cptsd combined with dissociation.

[Blueberry]

I managed to wash half my dirty dishes this evening, which was quite an accomplishment. I didn't have any clean pots to cook in or cutlery or kitchen knives or mugs before I started and now I have all of those. I got stuck part way through with idk some form of stuckness lol I guess, but I did pull through. Of course it's worth it to push through if I can! I also remembered this evening that of course it's worth it to keep going sorting through and throwing out papers! So worth it to not end up opening up boxes after my move and wondering why I kept those papers and having to sort thru them after move. But otoh also accept my own limitations in sorting or generally getting on with things atm.

A couple of hours ago I realised I have anxiety due to signing rental agreement tomorrow. Part of that is down to: I won't be 100% certain till it's signed. Part of it I can't figure out, not that I've tried to much. The 'I don't like feeling emotions' / 'I don't like digging deep on my own' remain among my standard dislikes, stubborness even. But the stubborness I've just realised is an inn. Child and undoubtedly she has her reasons to feel stubborn about that.

[Blueberry]

Now that I've read and signed rental agreement I have some more anxiety! So I guess I need to do some healing work on anxiety.

Now I've discovered there are 2 important documents I need to look for   Both connected to present place rather than new one.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a hug, and say that it's a big thing that you've signed that form.  I hope that you are able to find those documents you need.  Wishing you the best also with healing work on the anxiety side of things, but I also think it's a normal feeling to have in such circumstances. 


Hope