Of course it's worth it!

[Not Alone]

I have trouble with documents too. That is a possible problem for me with the divorce.

Even for people without PTSD, moving is really high on the stress scale. My Littles and I are very anxious about a move in the future. In preparation for a future move, I have had "clean one shelf in linen closet" on my list for months. There's so much attached to it, I just end up frozen or calming myself with T.V.

Considering what's all going on, I'm managing extremely well.

[CactusFlower]

Moving is big in any situation. Here's hoping you find the docs and the rest goes smoothly for you. Gentle hugs for you.

[Blueberry]

Considering what's all going on, I'm managing extremely well.

It's good for me to keep being reminded of this and to keep seeing it. My occup. T said similar this morning too.

I have trouble with documents too. That is a possible problem for me with the divorce.

Even for people without PTSD, moving is really high on the stress scale. My Littles and I are very anxious about a move in the future. In preparation for a future move, I have had "clean one shelf in linen closet" on my list for months. There's so much attached to it, I just end up frozen or calming myself with T.V.

I'm sorry you have trouble with documents too but once again that makes me feel better in a way because I'm not the only one on here with the problem, nor the only one who ends up frozen or calming myself with any number of different methods including roaming around the internet which is possibly similar to watching TV. I so get having one thing on a list for aaaages and not doing it. Not being able to do it probably.

[Blueberry]

Some things I am looking forward to in my new apartment
1) Clean windows with unobstructed view (no scaffolding or tarpaulin)
2) Less clutter (because bit by bit I am getting rid of some)
3) Better room layout and more but smaller rooms
4) Warm rooms
5) Being able to shower and wash hair at home again!
6) Never having to deal with current LL again!
7) Never having to deal with business neighbour again
8 ) No longer tracking so much dust and dirt around and having it come under my door etc.
9) Knowing roughly what's going on in bldg from day to day

I made a mistake on Monday. I can feel reactions in my gut - fear, anxiety - but I'm not slamming myself over it totally, which means ICr is no longer as virulent as in former times. I think the mistake I made is connected to my own special brand of cptsd or rather things that went on in childhood. The mistake: I let LL know that I have a new apartment and when I'm moving out. The lawyer at tenant's rights said that wasn't the best idea putting it mildly when they (tenant's rights) are still in the middle of negotiating with LL. Oops. The lawyer was obviously a little frustrated with me but then when I apologised at the end she said it was OK and mentioned what white lies she was going to tell LL combined with BB made a mistake and got confused.

So what's that all connected to from my childhood? Feeling interrogated by M; not knowing what to say in general - not knowing when to tell the truth and when not. Theoretically, one should tell the truth but sometimes as in this case it's better to keep quiet and that's just something I have a lot of difficulty judging; feeling not in control of my own information - somebody else will spill the beans if I don't; some nebulous feelings I can't put my finger on; memories of being ridiculed and verbally harrassed by FOO mbrs for saying what I was taught to say by FOO mbrs but it then being 'wrong' in the situation - so basically being ridiculed for not being privy to FOO mbrs' thoughts and feelings in the particular situation; feeling somehow safer when I'm no longer sitting on the information (that is definitely a younger Blueberry).

[Not Alone]

That's a whole lot of memory and feelings connected to trying to know what to say and when.

I LOVE your list of things that you are looking forward to in your new apartment. Hope!

[CrackedIce]

Hey Blueberry!  Definitely resonate with those feelings of not knowing what to say... I've always hated dealing with people who rely on the 'absence of information' to do their jobs (i.e. lawyers, upper management, etc), and always feel like I'm not being true to myself when I find myself in that situation. 

I hope everything works out with the new apartment!

[Blueberry]

That's a whole lot of memory and feelings connected to trying to know what to say and when.

I LOVE your list of things that you are looking forward to in your new apartment. Hope!

Thank you so much for your validation, notalone. As soon as I read your thought about that being a lot of memory and feelings connected, that really helped me shut up my ICr   But also your comment on my list of things to look forward to is helping me concentrate on that too.   

Thanks also CrackedIce on writing that you can resonate.

_________________________

I found those 2 documents last night in the middle of the night! 

I am hanging on atm but sometimes it feels like barely. Not SI or anything like that, but hanging on in the sense of not collapsing. I keep forgetting things and losing things, including things I've noted for myself, some of those in obvious places like a special notebook I have or in my appointment diary, but then I temporarily lose the special notebook or appointment diary altho both stand out visually   My ICr is keeping silent on all of that which is fine by me. I know this kind of scatter-brain stuff is either cptsd-related or possibly related to that dissociative stuff. The dissociative stuff is what they thought when I was inpatient last year.

Normally it would be helpful to write down what I need to do by when and what I plan for a particular day, but I can't do anything like that atm. I'm reminding myself rn about the image I had in my head - I think back in December - about me swinging from rung to rung on that playground equipment https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14640.msg126482#msg126482  The image meant that I'm staying up, I'm NOT collapsing and for me also infers that however I'm managing, I am managing so I don't need to do additional tasks in order to keep managing and/or it's probably even inadvisable to do so. That's a helpful conclusion for me to make.

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you and appreciate the thought that sometimes we are getting by even if it is looking different at the moment.

[Blueberry]

Some things I am looking forward to in my new apartment
1) Clean windows with unobstructed view (no scaffolding or tarpaulin)
2) Less clutter (because bit by bit I am getting rid of some)
3) Better room layout and more but smaller rooms
4) Warm rooms
5) Being able to shower and wash hair at home again!
6) Never having to deal with current LL again!
7) Never having to deal with business neighbour again
8 ) No longer tracking so much dust and dirt around and having it come under my door etc.
9) Knowing roughly what's going on in bldg from day to day

I was at the new apartment this morning measuring and I now feel sad for reasons I'll go into lower down in post. For now, I'm concentrating on what I wrote I was looking forward to: especially 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8!

I made a mistake on Monday. I can feel reactions in my gut - fear, anxiety - but I'm not slamming myself over it totally, which means ICr is no longer as virulent as in former times. I think the mistake I made is connected to my own special brand of cptsd or rather things that went on in childhood. The mistake: I let LL know that I have a new apartment and when I'm moving out. The lawyer at tenant's rights said that wasn't the best idea putting it mildly when they (tenant's rights) are still in the middle of negotiating with LL. Oops. The lawyer was obviously a little frustrated with me but then when I apologised at the end she said it was OK and mentioned what white lies she was going to tell LL combined with BB made a mistake and got confused.

Today I remembered why I thought it was so important to tell LL: Tenant's Rights had said they thought LL would stop with his bullying etc. when he knew that I have a new apartment and when I was moving out. In my mind that was of prime importance. Considering that LL's behaviour comes across as threatening and is triggering, it's no surprise to me, that I went ahead and told him.

OK, other than knowing what to tell people or not, another unrelated thing I have trouble with is remembering what rooms look like, what their approximate dimension is and imagining what of my furniture is going to fit.    Now I know I'm going to have to do a much bigger clear-out than I originally thought, including getting rid of furniture I really wanted to keep, some of it custom-made like my bed. I've had the bed for over 10 years but I would have liked to keep it longer. I know a carpenter who would've lowered it for me (it's a loft bed) but it's also too wide for the apt I'm moving into (my mattress is narrower than the one I had when I ordered the bed). I feel very sad or maybe those are younger Blueberries, idk. I have other furniture I inherited which is very well made, much better made than modern stuff, where the back falls out or the shelves come unstuck etc but I won't be able to keep all of it.

I think I'm also going to have to sell Furbabies' massive accommodation and get them the biggest size cage available, but nonetheless a cage.

Need to get on with other stuff now.

[Armee]

 

Aw Blueberry. I'm sorry. I feel sad and disappointed just reading this!

Your list of positives is really important, you are right and those are really great things about this new apartment worth looking forward to! Happy and sad are both good emotions to feel right now.

Perhaps finding a really good home for your possessions that won't fit will help. Like someone you feel good about having them.

(Sometimes I over-do it when I'm in an EF too,  I'm not sure if this happens for you too...like if I feel worthless I will not just clean something but will clean everything including dumb stuff like the grease trap above the stove and the toilet, at like 2am....I'd hate for the same thing to happen to you in getting rid of things that make you happy. That may not be a concern with you, but in your shoes I might accidentally overpurge my belongings in a panic.)

[sanmagic7]

so glad to hear you're getting out from under LL's threatening demeanor, blueberry.  loved your list.  i think i would've told LL also, given the info that tenants' rights gave you. it made sense to me to do so. i hope LL leaves you in peace and you can make your move as painlessly as possible.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your encouraging words, rainy.

Thank you for validation, commiseration and really getting it, Armee.    I could do overpurge or more like wrong-purge either in a kind of panic OR when trying to think totally logically and overhearing/overlooking a younger Part who really needs to keep xyz. A long, long time ago I donated a wild orchid and butterfly jigsaw puzzle I'd had as a child, thinking - 'Come on you don't need this anymore!' No work I subsequently did with the younger Part helped ease the sadness or pain of that Part. Recently there was a different flower and butterfly puzzle as a give-away locally. Since I collected that (before a move when I'm supposed to be clearing stuff out!) the younger Part feels better, the pain has been eased. Contrary to what I'd originally thought, it was more about the butterflies than the flowers.

Thanks san for love and hugs. Back atcha   You have lots of experience with moves and presumably with purges, like when you left Mex. by car. Not that comparing is really helpful, but I'm trying to keep in mind that for people like myself who hang onto a lot of stuff, there is possibly never an easy time to do a purge. But it is an opportunity to weigh things up and try to set goals and plans going forward as well as say 'goodbye' to plans I had in present place but didn't accomplish. An opportunity to start again with a 'clean slate'. Also thank you for understanding why I told LL based on the info I had from tenant's rights.

I have other thoughts and feelings but can't write them down as yet - sadness, disappointment and things like that about move.

So going back to title of my Journal: Of course it's worth it!
What did I do today which was difficult, but in the end worth it? I emailed the people I was meant to be doing a rehearsal with about 45 minutes into said rehearsal to say my legs gave out under me (more figuratively than literally) and I couldn't possibly make it. - Worth doing because I feel less bad about leaving them in the lurch; they came up with ideas to help me lessen the load of the rehearsal and performance and gave me time to think about whether I maybe could manage after all. But no ill feelings if I don't. 

I cancelled my teaching to have a nap and my nap went on for approx 4 hours - I really needed it, it even helped relieve some of the sadness. So that was worth it instead of escaping into something or other like eating or roaming around Internet.

I went out at 10pm (after second lie-down) and brought my bike back in after all. I'll feel better knowing it's safer in the building overnight than outside as vandals' target. (I always get up earlier than I normally would Mon-Fri to put my bike outside, locked to a public bike stand, so that it's not in the builders' way).

I also decided an hour or so ago that now would be a good time to spend money on basic self-care e.g. go out to eat soup at a local soup&salad cafeteria so that I'm eating warm or hot things. And also take the bus to the other side of town (uphill both ways on a bike) to go to a church's Hot Lunch for Everybody. It always runs Jan-Feb for about 4 weeks, daily. This is the first year I've been - other years I felt too exhausted or too busy or something. Been twice so far, when I was in that part of town anyway and it did me good. They always look for helpers and this is the first year where I was able to say to myself: just go and eat! Don't even think about volunteering - that would be a 'should' thing. No, life is difficult atm, so accept the help you can get! And pay the basic price, don't think you can ('should be able to') afford to pay a donation on top because of FOO money.

I sat and observed my younger furbaby for a while. A worthwhile thing to do partially because it makes him happy and partially because I won't have this massive and wonderful and plexiglas surrounded accommodation much longer. Make use of it while I have it!

[Blueberry]

I finally went over to a friend's and had a shower That was so worth it!

Threw a few things out, also worth it.

[CactusFlower]

So glad you could do some self-care, Blueberry.  Sounds like things will improve soon, I hope. gentle hugs if you want them!

[Blueberry]

Thank you CF! Hugs are always appreciated

I left the house today and went for a walk in the sun

I didn't manage to go to occup. T though.

I donated some items somewhere.

The tarpaulins were removed from my windows so I have daylight again!

It's quieter now in the bldg than it was before I  went for my walk.