Of course it's worth it!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I am glad that the sun shone.  I hope that it shines again today and that your day is a good one with some nice moments in it.   

It's good that you have daylight again - now the tarpaulins are removed from your windows.

Sending you some hugs 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

I'm sad that you will need to get rid of your bed and other things.

[Blueberry]

I'm warming to the idea of putting some items of furniture in storage until I know whether I'm definitely staying in the new apartment or not.

I'm also going to see whether the carpenter who is going to take my bed apart and lower it, whether he couldn't make it narrower as well. Then it would fit in my new apartment.

I've been without phone and internet for a few days - the builders cut through the line and claimed they didn't. But they did. It got repaired this morning. 

This coming week I can sleep at friends' because they'll be away most of the week. So I'll get to sleep in a bed and have a shower without going somewhere else. I'll probably come up out of my depression a bit. I hope so anyway.

A friend dropped by to check on me yesterday since I hadn't answered the phone or any emails. It's good to know friends care.

[CactusFlower]

Thank goodness they repaired that! Glad to hear you have a friend's place you can use. That's very kind of them. I think putting the items in storage is very wise. If you know you're staying, you can take your time getting them out. If you're not staying, they're safe.

[Blueberry]

Thank you CF

There are so many things I could / should be doing, but am not. Oh there's that 'should' again. I am back at home to do things though. Rather than being at friend's place. I was there last night. I hardly slept, idk what's wrong. Strange place I suppose. Being looked after by somebody almost 20 years my senior. Bed made up in advance, meal made.

The only useful thing I've done since coming home is telling the builders they cut my telephone connection, oh yes, and I also brought some dry washing up from my office. The only joyful thing: greeted my furbabies and told them how lovely they are.

These past few days it's been hard to believe the title of my Journal.

[Armee]

 

It's a hard stretch and you are in a really unsettled place right now, about to move but unsure if it is long term.

I like your plan to see if someone can narrow your bed and if not to move it and other things into storage.

Gentle hugs, Blueberry

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee 

I have now enquired some about storage.

Since sleeping at a friend's and being looked after by her too, e.g. she prepares all meals and even sets the breakfast table. Yesterday evening after dinner she asked me if I wanted some tea which reminded me that I needed a hot drink, otherwise I wouldn't have remembered somehow... Anyway since sleeping and eating at this friend's and also enjoying her company and not feeling 'in the way', I can feel my energy and general wherewithal increasing again.

Unfortunately I go through phases of needing to be looked after because I just can't manage on my own. That's part of why I end up inpatient from time to time. I'm lucky, very lucky, that the country I live in covers inpatient stays. Based on some things that were not quite clear to me this morning for brief flashes of time, the OSDD is showing itself. Not so surprising really considering how difficult things have been.

[Blueberry]

I'm now able to think "Of course it's worth it!" to myself and smile.

It may be difficult, it may be tiring, I do still have to pace myself a lot and Idk that I can think "Of course it's worth it!" about every last little thing or big thing, but at least I can say "Of course it's worth it!" in general. That is a contrasting voice to the old one that plagued me for years and said "You might as well give up", meaning SI. Not that I would have done it, but having that voice in me wasn't too pleasant putting it mildly. So now being able to feel the contrast is a tangible step forwards!

Actually come to think of it, not just a tangible step, but really big progress. Big step. In fact, this is huge.

- - - - - - -  - - -  - - - -  -

It would be nice to leave that all on its own for the day. Really savour it and ignore any problems, but my life doesn't work that way. Having being helped back on my feet - though I am still shaky e.g. the OSDD or whatever it's called is still noticeable - I'm getting better at looking after my pets. No longer just tossing the food in, adding more hay and trying and failing to come up with the energy to clean out their massive accommodation. The day before yesterday I was able to pick the elderly one up and quickly check how she's doing. Not well, lost a lot of weight. She bit me too in passing which is a bad sign. Yesterday I was able to pick her up again, put ointment on her sore feet, give her some painkiller and feed her a little bit by hand, just offering her tiny little bits and/or dry food which you're not supposed to give them but she wanted it, so I'm fine with that - she needs calories. Today I was able to try her with little bits of food again, give her medicine, ointment on her feet and decide: she needs to see a vet. So phoned for an appointment, knowing that leads to something somewhat strenuous - I'll have to go to the vet's by public transport and all-in-all that takes about an hour one-way door-to-door. Needless to say I've got an appt at 8:30am which isn't good for this late-night owl. It was the only time they could fit me in.

I also cleaned out their top level so everything's nice and dry up there. No longer have the wherewithal for their bottom level. I think it's likely that whatever my elderly pet has is too late to cure or even alleviate, it's likely she's going to have to be put to sleep. Maybe not - she did trot around a little bit today instead of just sitting with her nose in the corner. She might rally but I'm getting geared up to maybe having to let her go 

Whether I have to let her go or not, she too is a victim of LL and shenanigans and all what the renovation in this bldg entails - the cold, the noise, lack of daylight for weeks, the effect everything has had on me e.g. exhaustion and depression. She too is a victim of FOO and their shenanigans and the stress that causes and all what I have to deal with on account of cptsd, which sometimes leaves me with no energy to look after my pets properly. That's a realisation today. Usually I take very good care, but sometimes there are spells where I can't function, can hardly get out of bed far less check out my pets properly. They're a kind of little animal who don't tend to tell you that something's wrong. Pet Parent has to notice.

[Armee]

 

I'm so sad with you that your furbabies are suffering from the abuse/conditions of LL and FOO. That will be a tough appointment to get to, but I'm confident you'll manage, and will be able to be kind to yourself after and crash or do whatever you need to recover.

You are so very right what you describe is a huge big step and I'm so proud of you for sticking with it and thru it.   

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee!

I've been at the vet's and little furbaby had a fair bit of dental work done w/o anaesthesia. Guinea pigs don't have nerves or nerve endings in their teeth so it doesn't hurt but there are other reasons for using anesthetics like tongue potentially getting in the way and things like that. It didn't happen, my little guinea kept nice and still.

Now and in the next days I'm going to be doing a fair bit of feeding by syringe, several times a day. This type of thing is very difficult for me. But I do want to give my little furbaby a chance because she wants to keep going. I just have to show her that she can actually bite and chew and swallow again. Meanwhile I'll be battling with "of course it's worth it!". Not that I think it's not worth it to save her life but... what? M believed it wasn't worth it for such little pets but she didn't ask the pets themselves or look at their will to live. I think she meant their lives weren't worth the effort and money for her, for M. A dog or a horse or something - of course that's worth it! But a little pet   I'm not sure yet why my some part of me (inner organ?) sinks when I think about force-feeding several times a day and night for the next 48 hours... Well, I guess I do know - it's hard going for me even though I want to save my little guinea. Maybe somebody can come and help me. It's hard for me to whole heartedly say about the force-feeding for even the next 24 hours that "Of course it's worth it!" I want to do it but...

It's very hard for me to make the decision that my life - meaning being able to keep going w/o all the triggers that come up when I'm force-feeding or giving medicine etc and may lead to a complete breakdown as has been the case in the past - is more important than my little pet's life. So once again that's an inability to accept myself the way I am, the way I have turned out due to cptsd due to my childhood, due to FOO. "Inability" sounds condemning to me but actually I don't intend to actively condemn myself. In fact I am working on accepting myself and putting the blame where it belongs: on FOO. There's progress going on in me rn. It was very important to write this para. Things have become clearer for me.

Anyway time to go and get on with showing little furbaby she can physically eat again.

[Larry]

Hi Blueberry,  I hope you have a nice day.  I hope your furbaby is doing well. 

[Armee]

 

It is going to be difficult to do this. Words do matter and perhaps correcting in your head the words you use will help? Whenever you think "force feed" think "save her life." I can 100% understand without knowing the specific triggers how and why this would be so triggering and difficult.

I've read that some people are able to willingly switch parts when they have a job they aren't suited to but someone inside can do. I wonder if that's something you'd be able to access in yourself. I'm not sure but I think it'd be important to get permission from all parts though before doing that. I think I unintentionally made that mistake and that's why I was out of it yesterday. But it's just a working theory.

I'm sorry you have to do this. It IS worth it. And if you can't and it risks your wellbeing please -  no shame. Its ok to get help, it's OK to need help.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee. I'll read your post again tomorrow or in the next days because you write things that are important for my progress.

                                *** TW for pet's final trip to Paradise ***

My little guinea hasn't made it. I think now the way things went that she was too weakened before the dental work and then further weakened by the dental work. I don't regret giving her the chance though. I am sad but I accept myself despite not being able to 1) feed her as much and as often as was recommended 2) and ultimately save her life

Late afternoon I went back to the friend I had been staying with and had a shower (first since Sunday, which is actually better than when I was showering at another friend's, but still necessary) and then joined her and her H for a warm evening meal. During that time I could have been attempting to feed my little guinea more, except that my own self-care is important! In fact as soon as I got there, my friend asked me if I wanted to shower right away or after dinner. I said I needed to sit down first. My friend suggested I lie down and rest. I sank onto my bed and went into a brief but fairly deep relaxation. I really needed it. I was exhausted. So it was important to do that. I'm doing better than say last weekend and better than on Mon/Tues/Wed but I'm still not recovered from the latest exhaustion and emotional 'pile-up'. Teetering on the edge so to speak, could easily drop back and/or fall off the edge if I did too much.

Also I think that my little sweetheart was undoubtedly too far gone, too weak to have swallowed much even if I had tried one more time. Easier to know in hindsight. So I'm glad I didn't try to force her that one extra time, I'm glad I was able to let her go, even tho of course it's sad.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry Blueberry, and it's not your fault. There were a lot of stressors for her. Trying to feed her that night likely would have been additional stress. I'm glad you took care of yourself, and sorry you lost her. 

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry for your loss.