Of course it's worth it!

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry,
I am so sorry for the loss of your guinea pig.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Armee, Notalone and Hope, thank you all for your kind words! They help.

There are a number of jobs I want to accomplish today but I noticed my heart sinking at the thought. Seems like sinking at the thought of doing it alone, although I do almost everything alone in my own household! I've only just come back from my friends' place (the H was there too) after overnight stay and leisurely breakfast with interesting talk and some laughter too   I'm going back later in the day for a late lunch, main meal, hot. I feel very grateful for this help, and for lots of other help coming atm too.

Yesterday I was able to take my second guinea back to the guinea shelter he came from. I had him on loan so to speak so that my old guinea wasn't alone in her final weeks? months? It turned out months in her case. So I've lost a second guinea, but differently because I always knew he'd be going back and of course he's alive and will be adopted out to somebody else. Somebody in my circle of acquaintances drove me and loan guinea and a bunch of provisions I no longer need like hay to the guinea shelter and for that I'm also so grateful. Otherwise it would have been the bus or the cargo bike, both of which would have been strenuous for me. I'm in a much better place than last Sunday but still not a very good place, shall we say. Which shows just how badly I was doing a week ago.

Anyway, both guineas gone. End of an era is on the tip of my tongue altho that's not quite factual, but obviously that's what it feels like. So, a lot of changes going on in my life: move after 16 years and all the sorting out that entails, moving to a different neighbourhood too, on the brink of giving up professional life or at least greatly reducing, my eye out for what else I could maybe do in some far-off future (few years maybe from now) no separate office anymore, friendships lost (i.e. decided against), new ones forming, lots of healing going on -  - brings changes too. I've just had to check the dictionary since no word in English in my head for the concept: it's a period of radical change and upheaval. Certainly strenuous but also means forward movement. Losing the guineas is part of the upheaval but will also bring forward movement. I'm glad the old one was spared the stress of moving, too.

This evening Carnival gets really going here, so that's part of why there are things to do today, to prepare myself for 2 days in which I will be partly involved in Carnival.

And yes Of Course It's Worth It! That I can say whole-heartedly about life in general even if not about cleaning, tidying etc. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, yeah, radical change and upheaval sounds like it hits the nail on the head for you.  it's so much, and so big all at the same time.  very sorry your furbabies are now gone.  r.i.p. i know they've been a big part of your life for quite a while.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs, always.

[Not Alone]

it's a period of radical change and upheaval. Certainly strenuous but also means forward movement.

Supporting you, Blueberry, as you walk through radical changes.

[Armee]

I'm sorry for your double loss. It's a big change even if in a way it makes moving forward less complicated it's still a big change. A big big change. 

[Blueberry]

Words do matter and perhaps correcting in your head the words you use will help? Whenever you think "force feed" think "save her life." I can 100% understand without knowing the specific triggers how and why this would be so triggering and difficult.

Thank you for both parts of this message. You're so right, words do matter. They have a strong effect on me, so strong in fact that they can be triggering. Here it might have been good for me just to think to myself "I'm helping her eat" or "I'm feeding her with a pipette". The latter is a much more neutral way of describing what I was doing.

I've read that some people are able to willingly switch parts when they have a job they aren't suited to but someone inside can do. I wonder if that's something you'd be able to access in yourself.

That could be something to work towards. I have sometimes accessed a part within myself who took on a specific task but I don't access different parts voluntarily, afaik. It just sort of happens.

I'm sorry you have to do this. It IS worth it. And if you can't and it risks your wellbeing please -  no shame. Its ok to get help, it's OK to need help.

It's helpful that you remind me there's no shame in needing help. M&F seem to feel shame. They always told us if we ever got home from school and nobody was home, we should go to a neighbour's but the only time I actually did that of my own accord, I was scolded for disturbing the neighbour and F went back over to apologise.

I wasn't able to get help. I couldn't think of anybody who could help me that particular evening. One of my no-longer-friends would've been able to but having her helping me wouldn't have been a good move for me. But I now realise it was too late anyway.

*** TW *** Parental Neglect   & pet death


There are reasons why I wasn't able to care for my furbaby properly. The terrible thing is: due to the medical problem I didn't catch onto in time, my little sweetheart basically starved to death. It hit me last night when I was going to sleep how terrible that is. Yes, there is all this FOO stuff behind it, bringing me waves of indescribable exhaustion and other problems e.g. forcing my furbaby to do something feels like violence to me, though I have worked on what's behind that several times in T, it's still not completely healed. But I'm the one responsible for my pets and I'm so so sorry that I was in such bad shape that week and the weeks before that I didn't consciously notice what was going on. I did notice some of the symptoms, especially in the couple of days before her death, but one other symptom a lot earlier.

Multi-generational trauma. I have always said it's fortunate I don't have children myself because I don't want to think what all I would've passed on. And I would have. I have been told in the past e.g. by various staff mbrs in inpatient settings that that's a terrible thing to say about myself, but I think it's just honest. My poor little pet   She depended on me

[Larry]

your little fur baby knows that you loved her.... 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Larry   That's true, she did. That knowledge brings but it's a relief to feel tears in my eyes.

She's also in heaven now, no more suffering. (I believe pets go to some form of heaven).

[rainydiary]

I am sorry for the loss of your pet and for the experiences it is pressing against.  I believe you provided your pet the care they needed.  I think your pet is in heaven too.

[Armee]

She did know you loved her. You did your best. She was under a lot of physiological stress that is not yours to own. It may have been the kindest thing in the end that you were not over doing it on medical care. It's not your fault Blueberry. And even if it were, you loved her and did your best. And yes this is a beast of a legacy you carry from FOO. Screw them. Not you.

[sanmagic7]

 

unfortunately, we can't always catch everything every time.  but she was loved and you gave her that.  sending love and a hug full of compassion to you, blueberry.

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much rainy, Armee and san! Your words mean so much to me, I re-read them and it helps. 

[Armee]

 

Keep having on and rooting for yourself.

[Blueberry]

Since then I found out an elderly friend died and I now feel very listless. Fortunately a friend is dropping by in half an hour to help with packing, otherwise I won't do it. And then another friend after her.

atm having trouble thinking of why I might want to keep going. But not the first time in my life so don't need to ponder on it. It just is.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I am sorry to hear of the death of your friend. 

I am glad to hear that you have a friend coming over to help you to pack.  Plus the other friend after that as well. 

I care about you, and I'm glad you're here. 

 
Hope