Of course it's worth it!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
  I am happy to read your update here - wishing you the best for doing some of those super-triggering things though - sounds like you're tackling a lot.  Sending you a supportive hug 
Hope

[Blueberry]

Thanks rainydiary, SenseOrgan and Hope!   

I've been mostly on my Mbr Journal so that's why I haven't responded before, sorry.

Re-reading my posts now from back in November, I can see and feel lots of progress

Partially it really just seems that I need time and I need to give myself time for things to evolve, which they are doing. Some news I have received in the last days has been hard, emotionally, but if I lose the will to get up in the morning and the will to do any self-care whatsoever, then it's just brief. Nothing like the length or depth of depression and give-up in November. Really good for me to note. I don't even have therapy atm and partially I think that's good because this seems to be a process that's coming on its own and with which I don't need help. Some of the FOO (and other) stuff I'm dealing with atm would've thrown me for a total loop in Nov./Dec. but now I can deal with it emotionally, don't feel I need help from a T. Maybe next time I'm in inpatient or outpatient therapy, I can get on with some healing from CSA or whatever trauma is behind my eating disorder, rather than ending up with me being triggered by other patients, when inpatient that is. Or having a therapist being too cognitive with me if outpatient.

Today, I was a bit slow getting going, getting up, but I did before noon and made it into the town centre for some singing and for the farmer's market, which I don't always on a Saturday. It's good when I do though because I always see people I know in the town centre, even if just to say 'hello' to - it helps.

The sun is coming out again    so I guess I'll go down into the garden and do a bit of work. That does me good too and appeases landlord, who's being a bit pedantic atm. Such is life.

And yes! Of course it's worth it!!

[sanmagic7]

you brought a smile to my face this morning, blueberry.  the idea that you are seeing your own progress, are acknowledging your own process and allowing it to unfold as it does for you, i can't think of a better spring renewal for you.  very glad you were able to get out and about, do some singing, some gardening.  yay for you!     love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Nothing feels worth it atm. Shows how fast things can change. otoh they could change in the other direction too, to feeling worth it again.

acknowledging your own process and allowing it to unfold as it does for you,

Not too much of this going on atm. Mind you, LL asked if I spend all my time online when I'm up in my flat, to which I said simply "No." but didn't add 'none of your business', however there are days when I spend hours online, of which OOTS is probably the most useful. Or maybe another small forum or two where I look at animals and play word games and 'know' some of the others, the way we do here even before Zoom meets and book project etc etc started.

Anyway when people in my environs start querying what I do all day and not having a clue but pretending they do, that tends to trigger me into shutdown/give up. Go back to bed, doze, sleep, read. At least no nightmares today, in fact generally no nightmares for a while. Something to be thankful for!

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i've also had people ask me what i do all day, and, yes, i agree w/ you that it's 'nunya', as in 'nunya business'.  i could pretty much mirror what you do, except i usually exchange small screen time on the computer for big screen time watching tv.  i've decided to put all that under the heading of 'healing'.  it's helped me (sometimes) to think of it like that.  at times, when the weather serves, i will take a short walk, but otherwise, no.  my friend asked me that same question, and i did feel a little weird? ashamed? not right somehow? that i didn't have a more active life, didn't go out more, etc.  i don't even have enough energy to call and chat w/ the 3 people in my life most days. i've lived here 9 mos. and finally put stuff up on the walls of my room yesterday.

i'm sorry you go into a shutdown mode cuz of your lack of energy for doing whatever.  just want you to know i've never thought of you as 'less than' because of it.  i do know you're dealing w/ your wounds as best you can and i understand how they can get the best of us w/o warning from day to day. sending love and a hug filled w/ support and compassion.  this beast sucks, but that doesn't mean we do.