Hope's Journal 2023

[Hope67]

12th January 2023
Here is my new journal for 2023.  It took me a few days to summon up courage to post a new Journal - and I recognise that this is because I am able to hear the various voices of my different parts and recognise that they have different viewpoints and feelings about things, and there was some resistance from parts of me about continuing to write about things here.

But - I am grateful for the fact that as a whole, I think my parts have reached consensus that it's a helpful and really supportive place to put things - and even though one part of me is highly resistive about it, I have managed to convince that part that it's going to be ok.

There is a part of me who wants to say that when I sent New Year greetings to people in the forum, I was able to find the majority of people via their journals, but I didn't get to wish Woodsgnome or Gromit a Happy New Year and I want to do that - but I feel a bit silly now for having taken so long - but incase they happen to pop by and read this entry, then they'll know that I was thinking of them, and part of me wasn't happy that I hadn't communicated that wish to them.  There are past members that I'd love to greet too, and this wish not to miss anyone out - it must be borne of trauma, because it feels an excessive need rather than one that is perhaps ....  can't find the word I want. 

I have given myself a bit of a rule that I won't delete anything, that I won't change what comes out on the page as I type this - so I hope to stick with that.

Over the past few weeks, I've wondered about whether I should delete many of the entries I made in this forum - because I've felt scared that I'll be recognised by FOO or even by friends.  But then I've thought, I've not been writing anything terrible.  I have been writing about my experiences and my thoughts and feelings about things, and therefore is that so terrible.  Haven't I got the right to express things, to try to work things out and understand things.  I've found a community where I feel accepted and where I feel understood.  I recognise I've been here for a few years now, and that it's a place that feels supportive - I feel like I need to be here, and want to be here. 

Sometimes I listen to a part of me that tells me that I shouldn't be here, that I don't need the support, and that I'll be ok if I dive off on my own - but honestly, I tell that part that it's ok to rely on support in life, it's ok.  Trying to negotiate through things alone - that's not so good.  Therefore having a supportive place to come and offload thoughts and feelings - but also get perspectives of others and support from others - that's so beneficial and helps so much.

Somehow I like the number 23 in this year's title - so I feel some optimism somehow.  I also feel optimism that I've been continuing to communicate with my parts, and that I now recognise that I can interact with them - and that I feel more things than I did previously.  That has been overwhelming at times and difficult to cope with, but it's been ok. 

Hope 

[Armee]

Im so glad you are here, Hope. I love getting messages of support from you. And I learn a lot reading your posts here. 

I wonder if it makes it feel better to know...I don't think anything you've written could be identified if a friend or FOO were to come here. I think you are safe.

[sanmagic7]

i agree w/ armee, hope.  i'm very glad you are able to recognize the importance of help and relying on others for support, thoughts, and opinions.  just glad you're here.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Hope, I resonate with wondering if I still want to journal and be in community here on the forum too.  I appreciate your perspective that we can still seek and receive support here.  I am glad you are here.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you've found some courage in your New Year's Resolutions. I remember reading that people who have been through SA have a fear of being found out, or found by their perpetrators (I can't remember if I posted that before) but it sounds like it's quite common to feel the things you're feeling.

It is good to have support and wonder if it would be good for you to have even more support in "real" life in the form of a t? It always sounds like you have a lot to process on your own and I can imagine it's quite tough to do.

I think even if people have different opinions about things the forum should be a place where people speak respectfully to each other and honor one another's viewpoints even if it differs from their own, as well as their own viewpoint. Everyone here has the benefit of experience and what works for one doesn't work for all, but that doesn't mean that that person doesn't also have something to contribute. Not taking things personally is one of the trickiest things, well with the most longevity, I think I've had to tackle with CPTSD.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Armee - Thank you - I appreciated you saying that you didn't think that anything I've written in the forum is identifiable.  I know that parts of me still find that hard to believe though!  But I hear what you wrote, and it does help me.   

Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much - love and hugs to you too 

Hi Rainydiary - I am also glad that you are here, and thanks for sharing your perspective on writing in the community - it helps to hear someone else feels similar.  I'm glad we are both still writing here though!     

Hi Dollyvee - What you wrote has been very thought provoking for me, and thanks for that - when you wrote about reading that people who have been through SA have a fear of being found out, or found by their perpetrators - it lead me to seek out more information on u-tube and that was helpful to have done that.  I recognise that my wish to seek information goes in waves - I will avoid it sometimes, and then I will seek it - but I'm finding that I can cope better with reading things now and also process things better, as dissociating seems to happen a little less than it used to.

Dollyvee, it was also helpful to think about therapy - I could approach someone I've seen before, and I think that I'd be able to see that person if I needed to - BUT I feel like I'd need to 'fill her in' on TOO much!  Since I saw her, I've been delving into so many areas relating to trauma, and just feel like I'd be paying her to catch up - I realise this sounds quite narcissistic of me to say this - but honestly, I feel like I know a lot more than she does about it.  Actually, intersting to admit this here - I wouldn't normally say such a thing. 

I think that I don't really trust the therapy world enough to put myself in their hands. 

Dollyvee - thank you for your support, I do feel it 

*****************
14th January 2023
Just surprised myself by what I said about therapy.  But I won't delete it, as I am sticking with my rule not to self-edit what I write.  It makes sense though, I can't even bring myself to attend my GP for fear of what she'll think if I burst into tears infront of her - I can't guarantee which parts of me will be at the surface if and when I went for an appointment.  I'm just thankful that my medical niggles are no longer bothering me. 

Going to have a cup of tea now.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, as a therapist, i just want you to know that i don't trust the therapy world, either.  been burned too many times.  thankfully i've finally found one who wants the best for me.  it's truly amazing.  but she was going to be my last try.  i don't think your thoughts about therapy and therapists are out of line at all.  like you said, you know so much about you and you're doing a bang-up job of taking care of you.

may i just say, sometimes we simply need a little help over a bump.  that's where a therapist could possibly help, w/o getting into all your backstory.  i've worked w/ clients in that manner, and it's still turned out well.  just a thought.

keep taking care, hope.  i think you're doing a wonderful job w/ you and your parts.  much love, many hugs

[Not Alone]

 

[CactusFlower]

 

[Armee]

 

Oh gosh do I relate to that exact fear about going to the GP. It's always very detached and impersonal but I still always think that's what is going to happen.

I agree with San. You are doing a good job taking care of you and your parts. Therapy will be there if you need help through something eventually. I can imagine how you feel about catch up, I feel overwhelmed by all I need to relay to my therapist just week to week.

Good job not deleting!!!

[Bach]

 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Congrats on not deleting and allowing you to say what you think 

Part of the theraputic process is about building that bond of trust with your therapist so that you both can reflect together on the dynamics/relationship between you. For me, it's been helpful in seeing that things aren't always like I thought and, at other times, it's great validation for the things I'm doing. To me, there's lots of things that I bring to the sessions that my therapist doesn't "know," but she is supportive in the learning that I'm doing and how it impacts my life.

It did take going through a number of therapists before I found a good fit. Perhaps this therapist is not the one for you? Maybe it's not CBT you need but something else or someone more trauma informed if she's not. You have the right to interview people until you find what works for you.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Snowdrop]

Just wanted to drop by to your new journal and say hello and send you a hug, Hope.

In your last post, you said:

I realise this sounds quite narcissistic of me to say this..

Not at all! You are the least narcissistic person I can think of, and what you said is the truth. There's nothing wrong with you saying what you did.

[Armee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Not Alone, CactusFlower, Armee, Bach, Dollyvee & Snowdrop,
Thank you all 

************
9th February 2023
I have been reading a few 'lighter' books in recent weeks, but I have bought a book by Elaine Carney Gibson called 'Your Family Revealed: A Guide to Decoding the Patterns, Stories and Belief Systems in Your Family' - as I was impressed after hearing her talk on a podcast with Tami Simon about her work as a psychotherapist.  However, I feel some resistance to starting to read the book!!!  I'm wondering why that is, as I can delve into things sometimes, but somehow there's parts of me resisting starting this book.

I think I will start it on the weekend sometime.  I might write some notes on it.

Wondering what it is that's scaring parts of me about reading that book - I don't know.

Still trying to stimulate my vagus nerve with some of the exercises that Bach told me about - still trying some cold water in the shower before it warms up. 

I've started to wave at myself and smile every time I go in the bathroom now - look in the mirror and literally wave at myself and smile - it's like I'm beginning to pay more attention to myself in the mirror - as if I'm a person I'm getting to know.  The fact is, smiling at my reflection, there is a lovely smile in reply - it's actually quite nice! 

I haven't been meditating regularly in recent weeks, and I would like to get back to doing that in a disciplined way - so I am hoping that writing that intention here now, will help me to begin to do a daily meditation - just 10 minutes or so - but try to do it regularly.  It was helping me a lot before, and I need to do more of it.

Glad to have written something today - somehow it's been tough to write anything before today.
Hope