Hope's Journal 2023

[Hope67]

14th August 2023
Thank you everyone for what you wrote.  I have found everything so helpful, and really validating and it has warmed my heart to read your replies.  I thank you with many hugs           
Hope 

[Armee]

 

[Hope67]

Thank you for the hug Armee and sending one back to you 
**********
20th August 2023
I have had a difficult few days, one way and another.  But today, I am feeling calmer and parts of me are feeling better.  I am relieved.  There were quite a lot of factors contributing - I don't feel like I can talk about them now, as I feel it would potentially stir up my parts again - and I really need to be calmer today.  I have stuff I need to do socially this afternoon, and that is going to be challenging anyway. 

I have done some nice things this morning.  I baked some muffins - I don't do that very often, but the recipe was really easy and they are baking now - and I think they will be hopefully nice. 

I just took them out of the oven, and they look really good.  I'll take some to the social gathering I'm attending later. 

Yesterday I wrote up some notes I'd written about the Vagus nerve, which was from a conference online by Dr Peter Kan.  I felt like I didn't put the notes in a very good/clear way - should have used bold print to show different talks etc - I think I was a bit triggered at the time I was writing them out. 

Anyway, I thought about that course, and thought that it had freaked me out a bit that Dr Kan had mentioned so many things that can go wrong with our systems - toxins, bacterial infections etc etc.  But anyway, I can see that he was wanting to make the point that there are quite a few things on the internet that launch straight into 'stimulating the vagus nerve' and he wanted to make the point that the root causes of the vagus nerve being out of kilter needed addressing.  He's a medical doctor I think? 

The talk that was given by Ari Whitten about the Vagus Nerve and Stress Resiliency was the one that I felt most positive about. He really suggested that stress could be seen as a challenge and therefore building up resiliency by doing various things (e.g. keeping moving, weight bearing movements and strengthening) and doing cognitive challenges etc, they were all positive things.  I like his positivity.

I have to go now, as my partner has just got back.  Maybe we'll taste a muffin to see how they are.  Cup of coffee and a Sunday morning muffin.  Sounds good.

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Your muffins sound delicious. I'm glad you found it relaxing to do some baking.

I think I'm on board with Dr. Kan's assessment about the vagus nerve being stimulated for a variety of reasons, but understand the unknown can bring up some anxiety. I's always felt like I had a lot of "body" anxiety, I don't know how to describe it. Maybe I felt/knew it was off because I didn't always have it? Toxins, like mycotoxins which I'm detoxing from, can be neurotoxic and affect our central nervous system (as well as digestive nervous system). After detoxing the past while, I've felt a reduction in that body anxiety. It could also be helped by the microdosing as it's supposed to help the CNS as well. Gluten was another big anxiety factor that reduced when I cut it out. Annie Hopper wrote a book about rewiring our CNS after mold/mycotoxins/toxic exposure because of the effect it can have. There were other symptoms present for me like digestive issues, weight gain, but had great success working with a functional medicine practitioner who helped find the root cause. Anyways, I hope this doesn't cause anxiety, I just wanted to share some more detail about the process Dr. Kan might be talking about as it was very helpful to me and my emotional state.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I am grateful to you for mentioning about Annie Hopper's book about Mold/mycotoxins/toxic exposure - as I have been in contact with environments where there was quite a bit of mould in the past, and I was quite ill as a result of that for some time.  I wonder if there are still effects now - even though I've been out of those environments for a few years.  I might have a look at that book sometime.  I'm glad that you've been able to do some detoxing, and that you've felt a reduction in your body anxiety as a result of that.  It sounds like it's been effective for you. 

What you wrote hasn't added any anxiety to me, as I feel ok about what Dr Kan was saying.  I think I was more anxious about feeling a bit overwhelmed that I couldn't take in all his medical terms whilst he was explaining everything - he did give some very detailed talks, and I must admit that I was not always concentrating that well, and therefore missed quite a bit. 

***********
22nd August 2023
I had to change what I wrote then, as I actually wrote October!  This represents some anxiety I have about the month of September.  There is a lot going to happen for me in that month, and I am feeling anxious about it.

I have been comfort eating as a result, and I am gaining weight.  I don't like it.  I need to stop doing that.  But it's challenging.  I really think if I negotiate my way through September ok, then I'll feel a great sense of relief in October.  But I don't want to wish time away, because time is precious. 

There was a u-tube video I watched today by Alina Frank who was demonstrating EFT for Sexual trauma with a participant, and I joined in with the EFT tapping for three quarters of that session - but had to stop as my partner returned home.  Although the words the participant said didn't match my own experience - I still think it was helpful.  I am trying to do EFT tapping every day, and also some meditation too. 

I found that the one day I missed doing some of that, that my parts weren't happy and I felt like they acted out to get my attention.

I must admit that I've had one part who seems to have become more present lately - and she (when blended with me) makes me cry and by quite child-like.  I am worried that I won't be able to control her presence, and that I will feel embarrassed to behave that way infront of someone.  It did happen last week - I can't talk more about it as there's another part that feels too embarrassed.

I've also had a great sense of 'grief' and 'despondency' - feeling like that's another part that is strongly expressing feelings currently - and that's been tough.

I'm ok though.  I've had some nice moments in the day - and enjoyed them.  So that's been good.

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad it wasn't upsetting for you to read that  My experience and understanding is that it stays in your system until you take binders to remove and recirculates through your bile ducts. It's also possible to have MARCONS in the nasal cavity. Apparently 25% of the population is unable to detox them (and the byproducts of lyme etc). Dr. Ritchie Shoemaker and Dr. Neil Nathan (he has some pretty far out theories but who knows) suggest that the rise of autoimmune disorders and things like fibromalagyia can be attributed to homes becoming more energy efficient and less breathable, which locks in the airborne mycotoxins. IMO it's a lot more common than people realize but no one is really linking it back to mold. My GI listened though and is actually going to try my binders etc.

It's great that you're progressing with your tapping and finding relief in it. It sounds like there are some things coming up and I hope you have the space to deal with those things. 

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,  Thanks so much for your reply and I am glad that your GI has listened and is going to try your binders etc.  That sounds good.

Yes, I am definitely going to continue with the tapping, as it does give me some relief and I find it a helpful window to communicating with my parts as well - it's like they can all communicate/hear me when I'm tapping - both the ones who feel able to talk and the ones who don't.  I feel different ones react at different times.  It's interesting and I value it.

***********
I have struggled to be able to write anything here for a while - but that's because there's been too much going on for me in my life currently and I have felt overwhelmed by that. 

I think I may resort to a break from technology/digital stuff for the month of September - and that way I'll be able to attend to things that need my attention, and I can't be distracted too much from doing the things I need to do.  There are some things in September that feel very anxiety provoking, BUT I also feel that I will be able to cope and get through them.  But I think I need to just focus on each day and give it sufficient attention to be in the 'here and now'.  Easier said than done.  I don't think I'll manage that.  But still, I can try...

I think I'll post in the section that says I'll be away for a while - I hope to be back online in October.  A fresh month then.  I hope that I will be able to say some positive things about the month of September - but whatever happens, it will be a new month in October, and I look forward to catching up then.

Hope 

[Armee]

Sending lots of wishes of support for you managing through September and I look forward to having you back when you can

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
Thank you so much 

3rd October 2023
September was actually ok - there were quite a few potentially stressful things within it, and I wasn't sure how I'd cope - but I did cope ok!  So I am happy about that.  I also enjoyed a rest from digital stuff, it was refreshing. 

I have ordered the book that is about Dissociation and IFS by Joanne Twombley and hope it will arrive in a few days.  I haven't done any reading about stuff in the month of September, but think I'd like to try that book. 

I did read some people's journals yesterday, but didn't feel able to write anything - just read.  But I felt like I caught up a bit, and enjoyed re-connecting even though I didn't actually participate.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

 

[Hope67]

Thank you Not Alone, I appreciate your hug very much   

[Blueberry]

Welcome back Hope    I'm glad you had a good digital break.

[Moondance]

So nice to see you back Hope.

 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry & Moondance,
Thank you   
Hope 

[Hope67]

Just popped back to put a link to a video that I hope to watch later, and if it's really good (as I suspect it will be, as I've watched just 5 minutes of it - and think it will be useful) - I'll put it in the resources section of the forum (providing it is), but this is the link:

https://vimeo.com/646562391/4c66549277?share=copy

It's an "Interview with somatic psychologist Dr Arielle Schwartz on parts work and how it integrates into the biology'.

In the first five minutes, she was talking about self-sabotaging and how there is often conflict there from less prominent parts.  I think it's going to be a good talk, and I am book-marking it in my journal, so I can come back later and watch it.

I can't do that right now, as I need to do some domestic tasks. 

I really like the work of Dr Arielle Schwartz, she makes things easy to understand, and I relate to her.  I'm thankful she is so interested in the subject of complex PTSD.

Hope