Hope's Journal 2023

[Lakelynn]

Thank you for the resource Hope67. I'm glad you thought of us here.

I'll make this my first "listen" of the day.

 

[Hope67]

Hi Lakelynn,
I hope you enjoyed listening to it.  I watched it through late this morning, and thought it was helpful for me.  I like her enthusiasm and related to the things she was saying. 

Hope 

[Lakelynn]

Hope67,

This has to be the pinnacle for me so far. I LOVED IT, my daughter loved it and we had a great conversation about it. Yes, the enthusiasm of both Drs hit right on target. This has so many ideas, both in theory and practice that I can hardly contain myself. Going to watch it again and again.

Keep sharing your discoveries. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Welcome back  I'm glad you enjoyed your time away. I'm going to have a listen to the link you posted, thanks for sharing. I do feel like there is self-sabtotaging present at times (and then of course the shame spiral for doing it).

Sending you hug back 
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Lakelynn,
I am so happy to hear that you and your daughter enjoyed watching and listening to the interview.  I have looked up a few of her things on utube, and always enjoy what she shares.  I have also read her book about Complex CPTSD and thought it was excellent.  She writes so clearly.  Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it.   

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you for your Welcome - and I appreciate the hug too.  I hope you enjoy watching that podcast/utube video, if you get chance to see it.   

**********
11th October 2023
I watched a session of yoga last night with Dr Arielle Schwartz, it was called 'Vagus Nerve Yoga: Embodied Compassion' and lasted over an hour.  She read a poem at the beginning and end of that practice, called 'The Homecoming' and I found the second time she read it (i.e. after participating in the hour long yoga practice for embodied compassion that I felt very emotional when listening to the poem at the end - although it hadn't had the same effect on me when I first heard it.

I definitely want to repeat that session again - maybe make it something I might do each week - because it was really good to try the different movements, and to feel my way into them.  I think it was good for me.  Also, it was quite strenuous, as she does some quite difficult yoga moves - I had to adapt my moves a lot to cope.  i.e. I need to do more yoga and get better at it.  But I know she talks about not feeling you have to do things perfectly, as she is very trauma informed in her delivery of things, and I very much value that.

My heart rate variability measures have gone up to the low 40's in the past couple of weeks - it's really great, as I was often between 15 to 20 before!  So it's improved a lot.  I have also improved on my sleep - used to get just under 7 hours but now I have between 7.5 and 8 hours.  I feel more energised as a result.

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm so glad you found some relief and connection to your body with the yoga practices. It sounds like it was a powerful session.

I did end up watching the session and was quite affirming to see that there are lots of people who struggle with these things.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Larry]

Hi Hope,  glad to hear you are getting more sleep !!   Thank you for sharing the yoga session,  i am going to try that,  sending you some sunshine and positive vibes for a great weekend !!    

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Since I watched that yoga session, I've not managed to do it again, but I intend to do it, or a similar one, sometime soon.  I'm glad you watched it and found it to be interesting.  Thank you for sending me support, I appreciate it. 

Hi Larry,
Thank you so much for the sunshine  and the good wishes for a nice weekend.  I appreciate that. 

**********
28th October 2023
I watched a trauma session which was by the NICABM (not sure what that stands for - I didn't write it down) but they are doing a series about Mastering The Treatment of Trauma, and they are free to watch at specific times, and I managed to watch one that was called 'A Stain on the Soul' Why Moral Injury Requires a Different Treatment Plan than PTSD."  I just wanted to write a few notes here, as it was helpful to me - I think they were talking about how violating a moral code - would mean someone could suffer more.  Experience more shame, guilt and self-hatred.  Find it uncomfortable to talk about. Negative judgement, lack of compassion.  Someone called Wyatt Evans has written a book called 'Moral Injury Work Book' (not sure if I'll get hold of it - but noting it just incase I change my mind).

What I noticed was that they talked about processing emotions so they can pass from the body.  e.g. Guilt - where is it felt in the body.  What is it like.  Where has an emotion like that turned up in the past.  What did he/she do?

I should have taken more notes, as that was all I wrote - but basically I felt like on top of my C-PTSD, I also relate to moral injury - in that a lot of society (in my view) they judge someone sometimes for not having a solid relationship - particularly the mother-daughter - or father-daughter dynamic.  To not have such a solid or positive relationship - that holds a lot of stigma/judgement (potentially) from society.  Therefore, to have difficulties in that area, I think it does represent moral injury.  I remember my parents talking a lot about the 10 commandments - and 'honouring thy parents' (my words, not the actual words) - and therefore to have anything that doesn't match that standard, it's got a lot of negative stuff on it.

They also gave an example (trigger warning, mentioning CSA) about incest and how an elder child might bargain with the family (perpetrator of abuse) not to abuse the younger siblings, yet when the elder child is able to leave the family, then they go, even though they are likely to know that the younger siblings are then likely to be abused by those perpetrators.  Therefore the one who leaves has some moral injury feelings - guilt about not saving their siblings - even though they were all children, and victims of abuse.

Anyway, I related to these issues, even though I was a younger sibling remaining in such a system - someone I held onto guilt that I was the one who remained in the family system, and that my elder sibling was somehow ejected out.  Although I wasn't told what happened, so had to piece together things.

Anyway, watching all of this discussed in the session, made me think about it, and I talked about the moral injury feelings with my partner, and he told me that I shouldn't take responsibility for any of those things, as I was the child.  I am not responsible for my parents, and shouldn't have been made to feel as it I was.  I wasn't responsible for my sister either. 

I know this makes sense, but I still have so many feelings of guilt about stuff.  But at least having another label to understand why this stuff is so hard, it's helpful.  I'm glad I watched that session.  I think it's helping me to process more things, and more memories have come up about it.

I felt some anger towards my M as well - remembering an incident when she was particularly cruel with her words.  I thought that it was so unfair that she treated me that way.  I felt anger.  I think it's good that I felt this anger, as many times I think about her and feel guilt.

Hope 

[Armee]

 

Thank you for this, Hope

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, thank you, Hope. I keep seeing adverts for NICABM content on my Facebook feed. It looks interesting but I have not signed up in case I get endlessly spammed.

The concept of moral injury is interesting. My mother very much plays the "I am your one and only mother" card (Thank God - I certainly would not want more than one of her...) and also has always said that only blood family can be trusted. Given how emotionally untrustworthy they are it is little wonder I now trust nobody. And I see a lot of stuff online suggesting that people who criticise their families are in the wrong, or that even if they have been abused by their blood relations they should just suck it up and forgive, because "family".

I agree that you were not responsible for your parents or your sister, but I totally resonate with the guilt. I was made to feel responsible for my mother and my younger sister.

[CactusFlower]

What a coincidence, Hope! I was in a meeting with a friend Saturday, and she read some of the transcript of that seminar. Bessel Van Der Kolk, Judith Herman, and I think about 2 or 3 others spoke on it. Moral injury is a very interesting concept, I think. I'm waiting for her to send me a copy of the transcript so I can read the rest. Did you get a copy, or would you like a copy when I get it? The transcript was free. PM if you want one.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee, NarcKiddo and CactusFlower,
Thank you for what you each said.        

30th October 2023
I'm wondering how to best approach the feelings of guilt I've had recently re: my relationship with my M.  I am wondering if perhaps it's a part who carries the guilt who has ended up blending with me recently - probably when I found the skirt again - whilst looking through my wardrobe.  Another part had literally made me believe previously that I'd torn/ripped that skirt up and thrown it away.  I believed that for a while.  BUT, the skirt was just hidden in the back in a drawer - inside the wardrobe.  So I had just hidden it!  I think it's triggered more thoughts of her again, and the guilt is back again.  Maybe it never really went away, but I had had periods of time when I rarely thought of her so much.  Those were nice times!

I've also been considering the fact that 'anger' and 'guilt' seem tied up with each other.  One is underneath the other, and they seem to flow up and down in their dominance.  So that is a complication too.  I have always felt that anger was repressed for me, and not allowed.  Therefore if I do feel any anger, then guilt accompanies it immediately.

CactusFlower - thank you for your suggestion of the transcript - I think I won't look at one though, as I feel like I don't want to read extra stuff at the moment, but I will certainly pm you, if I change my mind.  I really appreciate you suggesting that.   

(Interesting that I actually feel like seeing the transcript would show me how much of the talk I didn't take in, and I can remember parts of it, and know that I only selected very small parts of what was said - hence there's some resistance in me to access the transcript, as parts of me will feel bad.)

Hope 

[Hope67]

31st October 2023
I think I might have been in an EF - heavily laden with guilty feelings - when I last wrote.  I feel a lot better today - don't seem to be experiencing the guilty feelings today.

I did think about what might have triggered the previous EF, and I think it was a combination of being reminded of my M (finding that skirt in my wardrobe), and also the occasional times in the night that I wake up and find myself thinking about her.  Plus I had visited my MIL on the weekend, and I think that seeing her being older, and more vulnerable in her older age, had made me think about my relationship with my own M. 

BUT, I am not able to have a relationship with my M.  That isn't possible for me.  There are many parts of myself that feel anguish and horror at the thought of any contact with her, and thankfully - being estranged - I don't need to have contact.

Guilt does remain, but thankfully today - I don't feel it so much.

I've had some enjoyable moments in the day today - also been smiling about some Halloween outfits I've seen out and about.  Very rainy though.  Storms are due this week - Wednesday and especially Thursday.  I hope everyone keeps safe.

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you're feeling better about processing things. If it's any consolation, I maybe feel a similar sense of dread (and all that guilt) about dealing with my own family. Who do I think I am?! Having my own life and all that where I get to feel good. It just reminds me of the crushing responsibility I felt for other people growing up. As my second t said, who's life is it anyways?

Sending you support and a hug 
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings regarding that similar sense of dread.  I like what your second t said, in asking 'Who's life is it anyways?' that's a really helpful question!  I also appreciate your support and that hug - thank you 

***********
11th November 2023
I think I've been processing more things in the past couple of weeks - because my dreams have been happening most nights, and there's been themes where family members have been present - and I've managed to survive those dreams, and be relieved that in waking moments, they are not there! 

I have been reading a book called 'Gaslighting' which I think I might have borrowed before, and not managed to read previously - but this time, I am ready to read it, and it is eye-opening for me.  I might quote a few things from it, here in my journal, but for now I'll just write it as a reminder that I'm reading it, and finding it helpful.

It's helpful to challenge some of the guilt feelings I was experiencing.  Also, I discovered that underneath the guilt there was definite feelings of anger!  I had been watching a video online about embodied somatic therapy - and I think it was Pat Ogden talking about movements that some clients instinctively make.  Anyway, I ended up moving around the room whilst watching and listening to the video, and I ended up just making some movements instinctively - and in my imagination I ended up feeling as if I was (trigger warning - as mentioning a violent motion) -


I was literally punching my M and my F in the head/face. 

I would never do anything violent to anyone - I don't think so.  I am a very non-violent person, but in my mind, I was doing that, and acting out the action with my fist and arm - and it actually felt quite good!

Anyway, it happened, and I thought I'd share that I did that here, as I felt sure someone here would understand.  I actually think it's quite positive for me to express some of my anger towards my biological parents.

I bought myself a plant today - it is colourful and pretty, and I really like it.  I haven't done something like that for a long time.  It was good to treat myself in that way.

Hope