Hope's Journal 2023

[Larry]

congratulations on the new plant !!     

[Armee]

That's fantastic Hope! Even though you would never act aggressively in person, to make those movements and start to get them out sounds potentially hugely healing.....to make self-protecting movements you couldn't make me when the traumas were occurring. I recall when I was doing a trauma yoga class and I was supposed to push my arms up but that's a super triggering movement and somehow instead I started shoving them away from me...that was the exact moment when I could turn the anger off of myself and onto the perpetrators. It was a really powerful turning point. I hope the same is true for you. 

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Hope ...

I also know that feeling you're describing. If there's one thing I can't tolerate, it's stooping to violent means of expression. But this emotional/imaginary reaction can happen, and when it does, the after effect feels good. The actual triggering trauma still lies behind the present pain, but the release from allowing one's mind to unleash what was fearfully hiden while not actually harming another does wonders for one's soul.

So Congrats, and thanks for sharing the power of present mind over old wounds. In one sense, they may finally feel more distant, as they should.

[Hope67]

Hi Larry - thank you so much.  The plant is something I am enjoying having in my space - it is lovely.  I hope to look after it. 

Hi Armee - thank you!  I do think it was a healing thing.  Thank you for sharing your experiences in that trauma yoga class.  Especially saying that you were able to 'turn the anger off of' yourself and 'onto the perpetrators' - that is huge.  A powerful turning point.  I think mine was also a form of turning point which I feel is helpful. 

Hi Woodsgnome - thank you.  You're right, the after effect of this emotional/imagery reaction did feel good!  I also like what you said about the 'power of present mind over old wounds' - and I do feel more distance now, which is good!   

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13th November 2023
I have been thinking back to some therapy I had a few years ago, thanks to Woodsgnome's post (elsewhere in the forum) - thank you Woodsgnome, it was very thought provoking.  I wanted to talk a bit more about some of the thoughts I'd had.

I was thinking that I feel quite creatively blocked by my trauma.  This goes back to experiences at school in a painting situation - I won't repeat it here, as I don't want to evoke the feelings and emotions that go along with it, but it was a young me who experienced it, and I think it affected me more than I realised.  I have written about it before in the forum anyway.  But I also think that subsequently as I grew up and shared any Art work, that it was more to elicit some kind of praise from a teacher, rather than for 'myself' - this makes me feel a bit ashamed.  But it is how I feel.

Now, I can only really do Art if I'm part of an Art group.  i.e. I'll participate and 'do' whatever is asked of me in a group, but in terms of using my paints at home, I don't start anything/do anything.  I'd love to do some drawing, and some Art (painting) but I don't.

Because I'd seen my old T doing some Art in an open space once - I was surprised to see her, and didn't realise she did Art.  But it made me think that she was so brave to be there in an open place, just painting!  It makes me wonder whether to go back to see her for therapy - because I feel like my block is due to my trauma - and therefore a typical Art group wouldn't necessarily be the place to go to overcome this block.

I also would love to be able to write short stories, but again, I feel that having my childhood stories burned by my F (even though it was claimed it was accidental) has really made me end up blocked from being able to try to write something.  I have attended a creative writing class before, but again, I can write in that situation, but NOT when left to my own devices at home.  I seem to be stuck/blocked.

I also feel that my language when writing is stilted and therefore doesn't flow very well.  Therefore I am critical of it anyway. 

I think this is quite brave of me to be writing of these things in my journal - as it's open to viewing - and parts of me are advising me that my FOO members might see it and recognise me from what I've written, but I am going to say 'So what' - it's unlikely, and all I'm doing is talking about my writer's and artist's blocks!

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, Hope.

So much of what you have written recently resonates with me.

I took up boxing a few years ago and it has done me the world of good. I don't actually fight and would never want to. But I hit the bag or (more frequently) work with a coach who holds pads for me to hit. People at the gym always ask me who I am pretending to hit as I go so hard on the bag. In truth I don't pretend I am hitting anyone, though I would be quite happy to pretend if I found it helpful. For me I think the benefit lies in just having something to do with all my pent up adrenaline and stress from my hair trigger fight/flight response. So I am not surprised that you found benefit from those physical motions.

I think it is very brave of you to write about your experiences of art and writing. I hope you can find a way to unblock some of it because it sounds like these activities could be beneficial. I took up creative writing some years ago. I have periods of total block but when it comes it floods out. Art is more recent and I had huge difficulty with it a) because my childhood art was dismissed as daubs by my mother and b) because my mother enjoys art work and shoves it all under my nose for praise. I discussed this a lot with my therapist and in the end decided to have a go at adult colouring books. I'd read that it can be therapeutic and help with mindfulness. I can't do meditation and the like so the colouring appealed. That broke the block for me. I really enjoyed it and have started art classes, which I am enjoying. The art classes involve homework. Although my husband is very encouraging I still fear openly doing my art at home, but having homework makes it feel as if I am "allowed" to do it and that helps me. So I am just sharing all of this in case any of it might be helpful for you.

It really does sound as if you are wanting to find a way to do some of these activities, so I hope you find a way that works for you. There is nothing stilted about your writing on the forum - it is always well-crafted and easy to read.

[Armee]

I'm so sad to hear your F burned your writings when you were little.

I think it sounds like a great idea to see if you could work with your old T on art.

I don't want to make this post about my process with music therapy but I did it for similar reasons. It has been helpful. I'll try to write about it on my own journal today.

It's really impressive and strong and progress that you have been able to write so much. I love seeing it.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,  I am so grateful to you for sharing the things that have helped you in relation to creativity, and also for mentioning about the boxing too - that sounds like a good way to get feelings out.  I might think about that!  You mentioned the adult colouring books - I tend to do dot-to-dots, as it has a meditative aspect to it, but I know that my smaller parts are always excited when they spot what the dot-to-dot figure/subject is - and it feels as if we all created it somehow.  So I do relate to that.  I am so sorry about how your mother reacted to your art when a child, and how she pushes her own art - that is not nice of her to do that.  Very uncaring I think.  I am so glad that you've been able to start doing art classes and that you managed to break the block.  That is great     Thank you also for what you said about my writing, and that you don't think it sounds stilted.  I appreciate you saying that.   

Hi Armee,  Thank you so much for what you said, and also for mentioning your process with music therapy - I will hope to pop over to your journal sometime and read what you wrote there about it, as I would find it interesting (but no worries if you decided not to write about it afterall, that's ok too of course!)  You are so kind to say what you said - thank you 

Hi SanMagic, I appreciate so much that you came by and sent that hug, it is lovely - thank you 

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16th November 2023
Very appreciative of what people said here - thank you all 

Hope 

[Hope67]

1st December 2023
I have had so many up and down emotions today - I can't necessarily notice what the exact triggers are, but I'm thinking maybe it's because there are so many festive things going on, and that's behind it.  What was good about today was that I took some action - by asking my partner to accompany me on a walk, and I felt a lot better after walking outside for a while in his company.  I also managed to tell him about how I'd been feeling as well - later on, and although I felt emotional as I told him about it, it was actually good to have talked about it with him.  He was understanding.  That was good.  He is very understanding, and I appreciate that.

I think it's likely that it has been like this on previous years, but maybe I've not 'felt' it so much - I am feeling things more now.  I see that as an improvement, but it's still challenging to negotiate my way through that.

I am feeling not to bad right now, but just wanted to write about it here in my journal, to remember it.  I want to write more, and hope to do so another day.  I have been reading some books that have been helping me, and want to share some of my thoughts on that experience of doing that reading.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope67]

Thank you so much SanMagic, I appreciate that hug very much 

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4th December 2023
I have been having quite a few very realistic dreams lately - I think I wrote some dream themes in a different part of this forum, and I might look back for that, and add to it - I want to put it in a different place to my journal, as the content is a bit shame/embarrassing inducing for me, but I intend to write about it, because I think it's got some themes that are relevant to my processing of past issues.  Therefore, this is a note to myself to 'do that' - i.e. find that thread and add to it - hopefully later today - if I can get chance to do that.

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

Regarding your first December post, I agree that feeling things more is probably an improvement. It may not always be the most welcome improvement if what you are feeling at any given time is unpleasant, but at least it is authentic.

Dream themes are interesting. I keep promising myself to journal all of mine that I can remember but I rarely get round to doing so while I can actually remember anything much.

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
Thanks for what you said.  I agree that dream themes are really interesting.  Thank you also for what you said about feeling things being 'authentic' - I agree.  It is authentic, and that is, I think, progress.

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10th December 2023
I just haven't been able/allowed myself the time to come here to write the things I would like/intend to write.  I'd really hoped to come back later that day when I last wrote, but now it's several days later, and I didn't manage it. 

However, that's ok - I will get round to it eventually - I think there's been quite a lot of movement for me in terms of some realisations lately.  I definitely do want to document those in my journal - to hold onto them, and remember them.  Therefore, I think that I'll manage it before the end of this year.  There's still a good chunk of December to go, even though it seems to be passing incredibly quickly this year!

I have got some nice things happening this week, so I am going to try to enjoy them, and not give myself any expectations or 'shoulds' - and go with the flow of seeing what happens with the events. 

I'm also giving myself a bit of a break from reading - because I have quite a few things I need to do, and therefore I need to attend to those things.  I can then allow myself some time to enjoy some reading over the holiday period.  Or even in the New Year.

I feel quite positive today.  It's a nice feeling.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

It's lovely that you feel positive today and that it's a good feeling!  

[Hope67]

Thanks Blueberry, it is a good feeling!