Hope's Journal 2023

[Armee]

 

That's a really sweet practice, to smile and wave to yourself. I bet that will help to open up outside too. I may have to adopt that myself!

[Papa Coco]

Hope,

How beautiful that you wave at yourself in the mirror. I have no doubt that the smile you see in the mirror is a genuine and beautiful smile. I say it all the time, that we, the souls on this forum, know in our hearts that we are good people, but struggle with the trauma voices that keep lying to us about it. So, keep listening to the truth: We're good, beautiful people. Period!

I hope you're able to get restarted in meditations. Even short ones, like a few minutes, seem to be one of the most helpful habits for me also.

[Not Alone]

I think it's great that you are smiling and waving to yourself. Beautiful.
Ten minutes of meditation is a good goal. And if you do five minutes, yea for you!

[Hope67]

Hi Armee, Papa Coco & Not Alone,
Thank you so much - your reaction to my waving to myself in the mirror was validating to that part who is feeling like doing that.  Over time, it's definitely been helping me, as I notice I feel 'happier' and more connected to myself as a result of doing it.  I think it is something I'll continue to do - because it does make me feel better.

************
17th February 2023
I think I watched too much World news last night on TV - and it depressed me really.  I have woken with heavy feelings and some anxiety too.  But I'm trying to put some perspective on it, and go gently into the day - I feel sure it will be better as I interact more with the day.

I have attended a couple of sessions online regarding the Super Trauma Conference - just ones about meditation actually - and although I didn't necessarily join in, I watched the person doing the process of meditating and found some helpful things from it.  I particularly liked a session that Rick Hanson did, so I'll make a note of his website here, so I can remember it: Rickhanson.net - not looked there yet, but think that he spoke well and in a considered way about trauma and meditating.  My notes I wrote during listening to his session were: "Basic okay-ness.  Increase stimulation level whilst meditating.  e.g. walking or heartfelt content.  Verbal - mantra.  Also spoke of considering things as a whole (getting more of brain online).  Gazing - raising the gaze to the mid-line or above - helpful.  e.g. Look out of a window.  Watch the clouds.  Meditation: notice it, feel it, internalise it.  Levine's concept of pendulating (helpful).  Build strengths and capacity.  Resourcing.  Comfort and soothing.  Touching lips.  Nature.  Gradual cultivation can transition to sudden ...? (not sure of word I wanted to write there).  Nature; Spaciousness; Agency.  Extravert and introvert (being yourself)  States become traits.  Witness mindfully.  Calm, contentment, connection."

My notes above might not make much sense - I am just copying them from the notelet I'd written them on, as I am going to tear that up, and keep the notes here as a reminder.

*Note to self: Look at Rick Hanson's website - there are some free resources there.

I've started reading the book about Family - I noticed such a lot of resistance to my going there to do that from different parts within myself, but I was able to start the book, and so far it's been interesting.  I'm doing my usual thing of reading it through once before really trying any of the exercises it suggests.  Although I realise that reading it causes me to begin to process things in my mind.  So I am finding it helpful.  It has brought up some tough feelings too.

Since the pandemic I've not travelled anywhere very far away at all - and at the moment my partner and I are planning a holiday for later in the year - but the place we've chosen is a country I haven't been to for many years, and the last time I went there was with my FOO.  I am realising that I have some memories tied up with that occasion that I didn't realise would re-surface so much - so I think it's going to be a bit challenging to cope with organising this holiday - but I very much hope I can manage, it's stirring up a lot of different parts of myself, as well as bringing flashes of memory back that I'd not realised were necessarily there - bit frightened of that aspect as it feels out of my control.  Also trying to keep my brain online to cope with the different things involved in sorting out a holiday etc - but I am managing to cope so far.

Hope 

[Armee]

Thank you Hope its really helpful to me to read these notes and they make sense to me. When I meditate I feel very very very ungrounded and untethered and it is scary. It increases dissociation. So the things he is suggesting seem like ways that would help me be able to meditate without getting lost.

I'm sorry all those things are coming up as you plan your vacation. I find myself wanting to protect you and ask if you haven't already booked reservations if it isn't possible to consider changing your destination. You deserve a holiday that doesnt trigger you before you even go. 

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I appreciate your protectiveness, thank you.   

I think that I am often triggered by the sheer fact of organising for any trip away, no matter what it is or where the destination is so I think that I would find it challenging at any level.  I've considered the fact that the country I am going to visit for the holiday is fairly big, and that I won't be going to the exact same places - so hopefully I can consider that it will be a different holiday and so I'm going to face it, and hopefully cope with it.   I went along with the choice of my partner on this instance, as he selected the holiday and I agreed it looks like a nice one. 

Somehow it feels more nerve wracking to think about travelling - having not been anywhere for quite a long time - due to the pandemic and other things.  But hopefully it will be ok.  It's quite a few months away - time to consider what I need for it etc.

***********
18th February 2023
Listened to another session in the Trauma conference today - by Adelene Cheong called 'The Benefits of Restorative Yoga for Trauma' - wrote a few notes: "Regulate nervous system; Restorative yoga.  'Feeling Safe Again'  and 'Opening up to Possibility' - 2 sessions Adelene has done.  Healing, feeling safe. Respond to somatic experience.  Having choice and making own decision is healing.  Intention: Relaxation and re-calibration.  Safe practice - choose to do it, or not.  Speaks straight to the nervous system."

Also listened to a session by Michael Stone called 'Neurodynamic Breathwork'
Notes: "Traumatic event.  Trauma. Ability to process the event.
Taking amygdala offline to enable access to memories and processing.  Breathwork.
Physiological - deeper connected conscious.  Blood - more alkaline.  More activity in some parts of the brain and less in other parts (less in emotional centre - default neuro-network, frontal cortex. 
Psychological - allow whatever wants to happen, let go.  Surrender.  Don't suppress feelings.  Please release, it's OK.
Self-talk = important.
Music - impacts expanded range of states.  Enhances mental imagery.  Releases intense emotionality.
Tension in fingers could occur (think he used the term 'tetnee' (not sure of spelling of that word ** Will hope to look up this concept as I do experience tingling in fingers and also in the tongue sometimes when triggered (especially at night).
Michael Stone finished his session with a 10 minute demonstration of a breathwork process.  I did this, and at the end when he advised to re-open the eyes he was smiling directly 'at me' and I felt tearful and emotional at that point.  Then the session completely ended - they didn't really leave time to discuss the experience of the person doing that.  But he says that on his website there is the potential to have an hour's free session for each person who wishes to try it, so I'm going to potentially do that.

The website is: Breakworkonline.com
** Will hope to try the free hour session and see what it's like, but need to do it when I'm alone - so not to be disturbed so maybe sometime after the weekend.

I've been reading more of the Family book - I found it caused me to have some quite 'grief stricken' kind of feelings - because the make-up and dynamics of my family are bleak and there are some themes across generations that are stark and disappointing.  I can see how trauma has infiltrated several generations and I feel sad that I couldn't make a difference in a positive way to that.  I feel like I ended up cutting off contact because I couldn't live with the toxicity of it - and yet it remains a sore wound.  I remain impacted in so many ways.  It's a wound that is difficult to cope with and to tend to.

Feel a lot of emotion underlying that.

Put my name down for a Free Summit about Narcissism which I found out about from the JungPlatform.  Will put a link here too, to remind me about it:
https://jungplatform.com/summit/narcissism-summit-2023
Dates are 30th March to 2nd April 2023. 

Just found some notes I wrote about another session I watched in the Trauma Conference - it's called 'Breathwork for Healing Fragmented Parts' by Anthony Abbagnano.
Notes: What's left is what shows up.  Relation with fragmented parts.  Each trigger = an opportunity.  Reflect.  Retrieve that part.
Client as Rescuer.  Breath - modulating.
Giving attention to our breath means being present.  He demonstrated this by considering a pleasant happy memory and thinking about where in the body a person felt/feels things relating to that - and focusing on it via breathwork.  Talked about a Bridge.
Similarly can do this for other emotions related to trauma - where in the body do you feel it."

For some reason didn't write more notes - not sure whether that was the end of the talk, or that I just didn't take more notes.  I did however find his talk to be positive and I related to it.  Made sense in terms of matching with things that Janina Fisher has said in working with Fragmented parts, and I do feel like I've been making some progress in connecting to parts of myself and to leaning in towards them, rather than my previous tendency to suppress or avoid or collude with the frozen defenses etc that I had previously.

Hope 

[Armee]

 

I support you in your plan to take the holiday. Time to make new memories!

Thanks again for the run down. I found the photo of that guy...Abbagnano was incredibly distressing to me. It's too bad I didn't give his talk a chance....it sounds interesting and helpful.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I completely relate to what you said about the picture of someone triggering you and that you avoided the talk for that reason.  I have found the same thing has happened with one of the interviewers who takes the talks - and have avoided some talks where she is present!  However, your mentioning your experience has helped me to reflect on what it is about the person that has triggered me. 

I wanted to say that the Conference organisers have said they'll be allowing access to all the talks tomorrow (Monday) - so if there's any you want to watch, that's a good opportunity.

I might pop over to your journal to say that, as well. 

Thank you so much for your support with my decision regarding my holiday - it is helpful.   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Just wanted to say 'Hi' and send you good wishes for whatever is going on for you atm. I hope to catch up on various people's journals sometime soon. 

[sanmagic7]

hi, hope, it sounds like you're learning a lot and reinforcing what you already know w/ these trauma conferences. 

i do hope this holiday you're planning works out well for you.  i can relate to not traveling, not really going to new places for quite a while, and having the experience of doing so be kind of disrupting internally.  my D and i are planning to sell our books again at farmers markets this summer, and altho i've thoroughly enjoyed doing so in the past, i can feel a flutter of trepidation when i think of it happening in just a few months.  weird how that works.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I hope you're able to plan your trip in a way so that you can fully relax and enjoy the time when it comes.

Sending you support,
dolly 

[Larry]

    

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, SanMagic, Dollyvee & Larry,
Thank you so much for your kind replies here in my Journal.   

_________
3rd April 2023
I am a bit shocked to realise that it's been over a month since I wrote here.  The whole of March, I didn't write here.  It's April now.  I really want to write about the intervening time, so I don't lose track of how it was and things that helped me get through that time.  So I do hope to maybe write something about that.  That's my intention.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

good to hear from you, hope.  love and hugs

[Armee]