Hope's Journal 2023

[Blueberry]

Nice to hear from you Hope   I know sometimes you decide to take a break from the forum. In this case it seems it just happened w/o you planning it.

[Not Alone]

Nice to hear from you, Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Armee, Blueberry and Not Alone - thank you so much   

******
6th April 2023
I have a bad stomach ache now, and wonder if it's due to something I ate or more emotional.  It's the long Bank Holiday weekend coming up - Easter, and I think maybe that's affected me. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

I hope you feel better soon.

[Armee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone & Armee,
Thank you both very much 

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29th April 2023
I feel horrible today - I don't know whether it's because it's the Bank Holiday weekend here, and that's why.  I think maybe it is.  But I've not felt able to write in my Journal properly for quite a long time, and whenever I've wanted to write here, I've somehow felt 'frozen' and not able to do so.  It's as if having the disruption of not writing here has now made it difficult to re-connect and get back and write.

I will get back and write more though, as I want to! 

So, I'll be back.

Hope 

[Moondance]

  to you if that's okay Hope, if not please disregard.

Thinking of you today.

[Armee]

Hi Hope.

Sending along warm thoughts of tea and safe cosy blankets to get you through the day. 

I wish it were not so hard to write for you but I am so glad to see you here even when you are not able to say much. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope, it was  nice to see you if even for a little bit.  hoping you're feeling better soonest.  looking forward to seeing you here again, when you want or are able to.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Hi Hope. I hope that you feel better as the day goes on.

I have experienced times when I haven't felt safe to journal here. Even if you don't know why, there is a reason that you feel frozen when you come on OOTS to write. I'm glad that you are listening to that feeling and giving yourself space and time as needed.

[Hope67]

Hi Moondance, Thank you so much, I appreciate your hug very much.   

Hi Armee, Thank you so much, your warm thoughts of tea and safe cosy blankets were welcome and helped me get through that day. 

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much for the love and hugs.  I appreciate them.   

Hi Not Alone, Yes, I definitely didn't feel safe and felt frozen as a result.  Thank you for sharing your experience of that too, I felt less alone with it.   

*********
1st May 2023
It's still the bank holiday weekend, but somehow I feel better today.  I am relieved.  I felt horrible earlier in the weekend and it lasted for quite a while. 

Back in April I attended a few online conferences and took quite a few notes from them.  I am keen to tear up those paper notes soon, but will hope to type some of them into my journal, so I can keep them somewhere safe - and I hope that if anyone else finds it helpful to read the notes, that will be a bonus. 

But for today, I'm going to try to do some relaxing things - like reading a magazine and sit in the sunshine for a while.  That would be very nice.  Cup of tea and a relax.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope,
I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better. I'm sorry I missed your post from the 29th. I'm not sure how that happened.

I attended a few online conferences in April and took notes and haven't written them up on here either, though I intended to. I wonder if we will be writing about the same conferences.

[Armee]

That sounds like a really nice plan for the day, Hope. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I appreciate your support so much -    I was just reading something you'd written in someone else's  journal about not feeling the need to write out a story from beginning to end, and it really helped me, as I sometimes wonder how people are able to do that, because it's so fragmented and all over the place, and it made me think that I don't need to do that myself.  It was very supportive and thought provoking, and I thought - Blueberry is so wise.  I think she's great.  So supportive and wise.   

(Actually a part of me feels really emotional now - it's touched an emotional part of me)

Anyway, I do appreciate your support, that's what I'm trying to say.

Hi Armee,
I also appreciate your support too - you are such a strong person, in my opinion.  I value everything you've said.  I appreciate the big hug too.    

*********
2nd May 2023
Wow, I feel like there's an extra emotional part of myself present right now.  I really feel it quite strongly.  Interesting, because I can feel emotions more when I re-read what I've written, but at the moment, right now, I can feel them 'as I'm writing' - so that's a change. 

Blueberry - I think we most likely might have been to some of the same conferences, I am sitting with some notes still to write up.  But I probably won't write them all up, as they don't all make sense.   The only thing is that I didn't write the name of the Conference with the notes, so I don't know which one they came from - but I've put my notes separately instead - hope that's ok from Kizzie's point of view! 

I feel very emotional at the moment, but I think it's in a good way, as I am appreciating the support from this forum so much, and all the people in it.  I wanted to write in everyone's journals today, but felt like I was waning in energy as I went along.  Beginning to feel self-conscious.  That kind of thing.

*Note to self: I need to write about some of the more challenging things I went through - during the time I couldn't write in this forum.  I should have written about them - do I avoid that?  Yes, probably.  But why?  Sometimes I can face them, but talk about them, or write about them.  Fear?  I think it's concern about not having been able to write authentically about the truth - having to lie so much as a child to protect other people's lies.  Yes, I do feel some anger about that. 

I am still doing meditation each day - and it really has helped me to keep within a window of tolerance regarding my emotions.  My dreams have changed too - events within them have been what I would consider 'out of character' - but maybe it's because other parts of myself have woken up in the dreams and are able to express themselves.  Again, I'm too embarrassed or part of me is concerned about writing the content of them.

Othertimes, in previous weeks I was shocked by what I'd written in certain places in this forum.  Part of me wanted to 'rub them all out' and take them away - feeling unsafe about it.  But I'm glad that I've not acted on that - because actually every thing I've written in the past is helpful to look back on - and helps me understand how I've changed and what I've expressed over time.

I have quite a few paper notes in the house, and I'm wondering what to do with them.  Whether to keep them, or tear them up.  I'm not sure.  I printed out communications I had with a family member for example, and don't know if I want to have those anymore.  These are decisions I can make, but of course, if I do delete/get rid of, then I wouldn't be able to re-read them.  Maybe I'd regret it.  Hence I keep them.  But part of me thinks it might be really free-ing to just get rid of them.  But is that like trying to 'get rid of' the past, it can't be erased.  Dilemma.

Something that Janina Fisher had said about understanding themselves rather than judging themselves, is a helpful thing - because I do think that I can judge things sometimes, and that doesn't help - understanding is what's helpful.  I agree with her about that.

Recognising conflict between competing survival responses - I think that goes on for me - different parts of myself - my defenses do conflict in trying to help me.  Those traumatised parts of my personality.  They each do their best.  They try to drive my bus, and take me to a safe place, but they don't always know what they're doing or where they're going.

But, I feel like the journey is going in an ok direction currently - I have been helped by a book I read, but 'the part that rubs things out' has put that book in a safe place, and I don't know where it is, so I need to find it, and then I can share what it was.  I need to read it again, and 'do' the exercises wihtin it. 

*Note to self: Find that book.  Do the exercises in it. 

Glad to have written quite a few things today.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your reflection about times of feelings "extra" emotional and how different survival strategies may conflict with each other.