Hope's Journal 2023

[Bach]

I relate to wanting to write in people's journals but not having the energy, or being too self-conscious.  I fear being misinterpreted, or just don't know what to say.  But I appreciate the forum too, and I appreciate you, Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary - thank you 
Hi Bach - I appreciate you too and thank you for saying what you said.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Papa Coco]

Hope, you said some pretty helpful things in that post. One of them is going to stick with me for a while. You said that it's better for us to understand ourselves rather than judge ourselves.  That's a great way to go into meditations, and also daily life.

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. We learn from each other, and by sharing your thoughts about yourself, I learned something about myself.

Sharing really is caring,

BIg Hug: 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic & Papa Coco,
Thank you so much 

I'm taking a break for a couple of weeks, but will be back and look forward to writing some things that I've been wanting to write.

Hope 

[Hope67]

7th June 2023

I read these books during the past couple of months or so, and found them really helpful - I wanted to write their titles here in my Journal to remind me that I read them, and also put them there incase anyone else might be interested in reading them.

"My Life After Trauma Hanbook - Surviving & Thriving using Psychological Approaches" by Bridie Gallagher, Sue Knowles, Reggie Worthington & Jude Baron (2023) Jessica Kingsley Publishers.  ISBN 987 1 83997 128 0.

That book was written for teenagers, but I found it really explained things in such a clear and well presented way, and helped me to understand things.  I really found it helpful.

"Super-Women: Superhero Therapy for Women Battling Depression, Anxiety & Trauma" by Janina Scarlett (2020) Robinson.  ISBN: 978-1-47214-380-8

That book was really good too (in my opinion) - found it very helpful.

"I'm Glad My Mom Died" by Jennette McCurdy.  Publisher: Simon & Schuster.  (2022)  ISBN: 978-1-9821-8582-4

Jennette's book helped me to cope better with Mother's Day this year - it really helped me at the time, and I am glad I read it, although I felt some 'guilt' for reading it sometimes, but another part of me felt happy that I had read it. 

Also, following watching a Conference talk by Deb Dana, I bought her book:

"Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 client-centered practices" by Deb Dana (2020) Publisher: Norton.  ISBN: 978-0-393-71385-5
This book is excellent (in my opinion) and very useful practically - so many different exercises that are relatively easy to tackle and I think it's already helped me a lot.  The exercises are detailed and step-by-step. 

On the back of the book it is written "With this book, you and your clients have a guide to building the autonomic foundation for ventral vagal-inspired joy" (that's a great claim, but I do believe it's a path to obtaining access to that!).

Bessel A. van der Kolk said about Deb Dana's book "This is a valuable book to help you address your inner physiology and thereby create the necessary conditions for safety and connection."

Hope 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing about these resources.  Often I find reading things that have a target audience of children or teens to be really helpful. 

[Armee]

Thank you, Hope. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy, Yes, books written for teenagers are often written clearly and I appreciate them. 

Hi Armee,   

***********
8th June 2023
I saw a quote by Dr Bessel van der Kolk that I really like:

"Trauma victims cannot recover until they become familiar with and befriend the sensations in their bodies"

I relate to his quote and find it helpful.

Note to self: look up the 'sexual assault survival stories with Dave Market - episodes 4-8 and episode 21 (Armee mentioned these previously, and I've taken a note of them - and keep meaning to listen to them).  Thank you Armee for mentioning those.

I have been tackling some paperwork and forms that I need to complete - it's been like treading through treacle a bit, as my brain keeps freezing at certain points, BUT I am making some progress, and I tackled some phone calls I needed to make as well. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Just putting a link here to a resource I just found, that I want to remember and go back to.  It's the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioural Medicine, and I watched the first video on there by Ruth Buczynski, which featured Peter Levine just talking about 2 methods he uses to help with trauma - very simple, and just 6 mins 33 secs to watch - I think the other videos also look like they might be interesting, so I'll hope to go back there in the coming days and check some of them out.

https://www.youtube.com/NICABM

The video I watched was called 'Treating Trauma: 2 Ways to Help Clients Feel Safe".  I found it interesting that when I used those methods Peter sugggested, that I literally felt emotional inside - as if part of me really reacted to the containment and emotionally reacted to it.  But I did then settle afterwards - after feeling that emotion.

I have found things like that helpful at night, to calm myself - and over time, I've found that the terror is dissipating.  I don't feel it so often or so intensely and haven't had night terrors for a couple of months, that is really good.  Progress for me.

(As I write this, I feel another part of myself feeling self-conscious, and not being so happy about me writing it, but I am saying to myself - I want to write it.  I want to share these things, and make notes for myself in my journal, and that's ok!)

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, hope, for sharing all this.  i agree that it's ok to share what you want, your feelings, your thoughts.  whatever feels right.  i'm glad you're finding such resources helpful.

i really related to that quote about having to realize and accept our body sensations as a way to overcome our trauma.  that's been a true challenge for me.  i appreciate your sharing this.  love and hugs 

[Armee]

I'm so glad that parts of you allowed you to write here even though other parts didn't want to. Its tough when there's so many conflicting needs inside and I think you're doing a great job being respectful to all of them.

I am so so happy to hear that you've had a break from night terrors.  that's great news and being better rested will make healing easier. Keep going! This is solid progress toward healing! 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you.   

Hi Armee,
Yes, I agree that having some respite from the night terrors is progress, I am so pleased about that.    

************
12th June 2023

I feel restless today.  I had set myself some goals which I had hoped to start working on today, but when it came to trying to start the tasks, I found I was easily distracted from them, and therefore didn't achieve any of them!  Feeling almost a bit hijacked really. 

Now I'm thinking that I'd like to read a good self-help kind of book, but don't have one in mind to start.  I have plenty of old ones and also some that I've not tackled - but somehow feel reluctant. 

I think I'm therefore in 'many minds' regarding what I wish/want to do.

Hope 

[Armee]

Being of many minds about what you do....yup. I know that feeling.  I know it well. It can be really frustrating. Eventually you'll settle into a track for awhile. It almost feels like adhd, to me. It's not, but so scattered and bouncing from one thing to the next because there's so much internal disagreement about what I should be doing.

I can't wait for you to settle on a book though, selfishly, because I always learn so much from what you share!   

[Hope67]

Thanks so much Armee - I appreciated what you said very much.   

15th June 2023

I have been watching a series from the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioural Medicine each evening this week - as it's free to watch it - I've given a link to it in the resources section.  It's been a lot to try to process and take in, but I'm resolved to try to complete the 5 sessions.  Tonight's session is about Shame, so I am especially keen to watch that one.

I also started to watch a documentary that was too much for me to cope with - brought up too many emotions and thoughts at once, and I felt overwhelmed, and also concerned that my partner was due back in the house, and I didn't want to be crying when he came back - so I hope to watch it early next week, when I know he'll be away for a longer time period! 

Trigger warning (mentioning Sexual abuse)
It's about having a peaodiphile in the family, Surviving Dad - and it feels very relevant to my situation.  I want to write a few things about it already - I did write in my journal (paper journal) and I think I want to also write here - to share my thoughts and feelings somewhere where I know there are people who will understand.  But I need to pace this, as it's a lot...!  Feel very emotional even writing that - writing about recognising the need to pace and to look after myself, feeling that emotion, I think that's a huge thing - that I am feeling it.

Need to go now, and do some things.
Hope