Hope's Journal 2023

[Armee]

I love reading about these positive things, Hope, and am grateful for that part that allowed you to share despite the initial discomfort.

I think that is such a huge positive step that despite the triggering association with FOO  that you were able to let those associations mostly stay in the back and in the past and were able to enjoy the vacation with your husband and friends and even to risk some vulnerability in sharing.

I feel the same way. Scared of sharing, not trusting my judgment about how much to say. That I will say too much or the wrong thing or make people uncomfortable and they will no longer want to be friends. So it's helpful to me to read about your experience with answering some questions and having the other person share back. That shows me that by you sharing you gave them space to share too, which I think is a great outcome and encouraging to me to risk more too with friends. 

 
 

[NarcKiddo]

That's a great update. I am glad you enjoyed your holiday. The socialising sounds very positive. Good for you!

Thank you for sharing your experience with vagus nerve stimulation. I am going to research that and maybe give it a go. One of the things that surprised me very much, given my interest in fitness which has been going on for several years now, was to discover that my HRV is way below what I would have expected. That, and various other things such as my sleeping heart rate (but not my daytime resting heart rate) being high, let me to do some research and conclude that these things are related to chronic stress and trauma.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee and NarcKiddo, I appreciate what you both wrote, thank you   

Armee - it wasn't specifically friends who I shared the more person things with, but one person I'd met whilst on that holiday - within a larger group, and therefore somehow it didn't seem as difficult to share something - I think it might have been harder if it was a friend of mine.  I have of course shared some things with my friends, but I am at the point where I don't necessarily remember what I've said to whom, and that's very worrying for parts of myself!  But it's been ok so far.

NarcKiddo - There's a really good book called 'Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection' by Deb Dana, which gives about 50 exercises that are 'client-centered practices' - I think that's really good.  I also think that Arielle Schwartz has some u-tube videos where she demonstrates stimulation of the vagus nerve in some of her sessions.  Bach also gave me a really great list of things to do to stimulate it - it's on the forum somewhere, but I can't remember where it is.  But it's good!  If I find it, I'll give you a link to it.

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8th July 2023
I'm finding the weekend a bit challenging - some unexpected things I need to do tomorrow - hoping it goes ok.  I'm feeling more anxious as a result.  Trying to keep grounded and not let things get out of perspective. 

I've also started reading Prince Harry's book 'Spare' and must say that I've found some things he's written to be very relevant to things I've experienced - just in terms of how he describes his memory about traumatic events.  I might share some notes in my journal, to keep them safe - and reflect on them - I might come back and write about them later. 

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks, Hope.

I have read Spare and parts of it resonated with me, too.

Sending you good wishes and strength for tomorrow. I hope all goes well with the unexpected things you need to do.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm really happy for you that you've been able to feel better about things and recognize the progress you've made 

What I read recently is that even if you can't see those parts right away, checking in with them and just being curious can, over time, help them to trust you. This was helpful for me and thought you might find it helpful too.

Hope you're able to manage with the unexpected things. I had some come up this week and I had a lot of anxiety around them but things worked out.

Sending you support 
dolly

[rainydiary]

Hope, I hope the unexpected things passed as smoothly as possible.  I appreciate the insight about Prince Harry's book. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, sending love and a hug filled w/ grounding energy.

[CactusFlower]

adding to the grounding and group hug, Hope. 

[Hope67]

  Thanks so much.  I appreciate each and every one of you, and really am glad to read what you each wrote.  Sorry to not reply individually back, but I am warmed by what you each said.   
Hope 

[Hope67]

13th July 2023
I think I've been in an emotional overload of EFs in the past couple of days - I think I can see some of the triggers for this.  One of which happened to be the ongoing stuff about the BBC presenter that wasn't named for some time, but is now named.  Somehow it really spooked parts of me that there was so much uncertainty and different people were getting mentioned from time to time, and I was concerned for the effect on those people of false allegations and so forth.  I don't really know why it affected me so much, but it did.  I feel a bit better now that they have identified the person.  There are other triggers too - but I don't feel comfortable to say what they are, as I think parts of myself are too bothered by them. 

I recognise that I need to ease back on my wish to pursue certain things this week - and just look at self-care for myself, and trying to calm my nervous system down.  Regulate my feelings - that's very difficult to do.  I recognise how difficult it is when I wasn't helped to do that by my care-givers.  But, I am attempting to do so. 

I don't feel much sense of safety at the moment, there feels like there's things contributing to that - and I've tried to explain some of my feelings today to my partner, and he does understand, and it has helped to talk about them out loud to him.  He has been reassuring.  I am thankful of that. 

I very much hope that I will feel calmer and more centred again - more grounded.  I would like to achieve that feeling again, as I was feeling it sometimes, and enjoying it.  But I recognise that I feel more things now, and they are painful and emotional.  I guess it's the reality of facing things that I was previously more in the fog about, and dissociated/protected from by that dissociation.  I see things more clearly now, and it hurts.  Grief is there.  It ebbs and flows.  Different parts of me share different thoughts and feelings, and I react to these and lean in to feel the emotions - that is putting myself through something, I realise that - but I also welcome it.

I've got a very strong urge to binge eat something, but I am trying to resist it. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

I especially appreciated your noticing to take care this week and how that wasn't modeled for you.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary, Thank you 

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25th July 2023
I have been reading a book by Gabor Mate with Daniel Mate (his son) called 'The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture' and I am finding it quite good, but also quite challenging in that it makes me feel more low feelings, and more frustration at how much toxicity can be around in life and culture.

I wanted to quote this part on p.239 "It's enormous work to recover from our childhoods.  It's incredibly worthwhile, but it's a lot of work."

I think I feel better for reading that statement, and thinking that yes, it is hard work, but it should hopefully be worthwhile to continue to work on recovery.

Anyway, I needed to read that today - and was glad I did.  I've had part of myself who keeps saying 'I feel terrible.  I feel terrible.' in the background, but still keeps saying that through many parts of the day - yet I'm not sure what about - and which part that is.  Just that she repeats it.  I try to reassure her - saying 'I hear you.  I care.'  I feel like she's feeling a bit better now, as I've not heard her say that for the last hour. 

I have things I need to do, but wanted to come here and write that. 

Hope 

[Armee]

That excerpt is about as close to Truth as it gets!

Oh I have a little voice like that too. Isn't it such a strange feeling to not know what's going on inside? I often feel terrified inside but I am clueless as to what the problem is because I actually feel fine and am not feeling scared. Except I am feeling scared somewhere. It sounds like you've done a good job helping that part of you that feels terrible to feel a little better, like she has someone with her sitting next to her while she feels this way. 

I hope she tells you more so you can help her a little more.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
Thanks for sharing about your little voice inside - it helped me feel very validated that you also experience something very similar -  I think 'feeling scared somewhere' is descriptive too.   

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27th July 2023
I just can't formulate my words together to say anything at the moment.  I came here - thinking I'd be able to write something coherent and I find that I feel all mixed up and at multiple cross-roads of thought, and therefore I can't communicate - it feels jumbled.

I will hope to be back later in the week and maybe write something then.

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I really empathize with the statement that it is enormous work to recover from our childhoods. It really is. I'm also glad you're able to care for that little voice inside you and what a great thing to have empathy and care for her 

I hope you're feeling more settled as well. I don't remember reading that post before now and I think it may have got lost in the fray.

Sending you support,
dolly