Hope's Journal 2023

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee - thank you so much 

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3rd August 2023
I have read a book by Kate Silverton called 'There's No Such Thing as Naughty' which is a parenting book for parenting under-fives.  I found it quite helpful and interesting, and it was thought provoking to consider differences in parenting over time and how my experience of being parented differed from the suggestions put forward by Kate.

Things that particularly came through to me were thinking that my parents weren't able to self-regulate, and therefore couldn't help me to self-regulate as a baby/young child. 

I'm just going to note a few things from that book here in my journal.  on p.73 of the book Julie Harmieson said "Empathy is not a developmental skill we just acquire.  It is hard to teach it, we have to experience it." (I definitely relate to that.  Kate said on p.81 "If you can manage your emotions, and teach your child to manage theirs, then rather than 'act out' big feelings, you can express them in more appropriate and healthy ways."

p.115 "Stress will live in the body if it has no form of release"

p.142 "When our emotions and our 'big feelings' are repressed they 'sit' inside the body."

On p.143 a psychotherapist called Liza Elle said "When we send our children to their room they become adults who associate being alone as a 'bad thing', which is why we see adults in modern life unable to sit with themselves in the 'alone'.  They will use TV, video games, food, alcohol, cigarettes, anything, to not feel (that) sensation again."  Kate says 'It's the same for the Naughty Step.'  'Naughty steps' and banishing kids to their rooms = evokes feelings of shame.

p.164 "Acknowledge their feelings and treat them in a way that tells them they matter."

p.171 Gabor Mate said "Our children don't need presents, they need our presence."

p.173 Kate mentioned that someone giggling - she interpreted it as a 'little stress release' (I found this helpful as I sometimes laugh when I'm stressed and I think it could be mis-perceived as something else).

p.194 "damaging to be physically present but emotionally absent with your child."  Kate goes on to say "A child senses the hypocrisy of a parent who says they care but doesn't care enough to spend time with them."

p.199 "Play is genetically ingrained in us all, but it needs the right environment: your child has to feel psychologically safe with you to be able to 'let go'."

p.207 "Avoid asking 'why' questions - it means your child has to move away from feeling and has to start thinking.  Stops their flow."

p.219 "Investing time in your children, giving them the space to play, encouraging them to feel the range of their feelings and having an open line of communication between them and you.  This way you can bring their sense of self to its full potential and not try to change it.  Work with each child's character and honour them as they are."

p.235 "Don't want our children to adopt roles and create a family dynamic than can very often end up playing out over the course of their lives."

p.235 "If one child appears to have a need to control, it will most often be based in insecurity.  Feels less in control."

(I relate a lot to that)

p.243 "Loss and change are important and universal concepts, so its critically important for us to understand the impact they have on our children, especially when they are very young."

(I find myself feelings some anger towards my FOO (parents) about that last statement, I wish they could have addressed/talked about/explained losses and changes that happened throughout my early childhood).

p.243 "The stress of separation - experienced in the brain in much the same way as physical pain."

(This next bit is particularly triggering for me, as I don't find transitions of ending/saying Goodbye easy - very triggering)

p.247 "Old school parenting - avoided saying 'Goodbye'"

(Feel this has a lot to do with my trauma)

p.247 "But being consistent with 'goodbyes' - children will build the flexibility and the capacity to cope."

p.248 "Need our help with transitions not to have to go it alone."

p.251 "Transitional object, toy or item of clothing."

p.253 "Rhythm of things - soothing dorsal vagus nerve."

p.254 "The temptation to avoid our upsets is disguised as 'not wanting to upset the child.'"

Kate goes on to say "The child is having to deal with not only the loss of a teacher but also the added feelings of not being worthy enough or important enough to say Goodbye to and can bring up feelings of abandonment."

(I am feeling dizzy now - just writing about that - Goodbyes are triggering big time for me, but I want to write about it).

p.257 "Knowing that whatever they are feeling about the change or event is normal helps them to 'come through it'.!

p.259 "Remember to name the emotions your child might be experiencing, not be afraid of them."

p.260 (This makes me feel emotional to read this bit) "Remember not to dismiss your child's emotions.  Put those wonderful warm wings around them during periods of change." (Parts of me feel emotional to hear that).

(Those notes above are all from Kate Silverton's book "There's No Such Thing as Naughty")  I thought it was a relateable book and gives some advice and suggestions that I found helpful to read for parenting my own inner children/parts.

I also wanted to write a few things that I noted down from Prince Harry's book 'Spare' - I want to shred my paper notes, and just keep my notes in my journal here - they are meaningful to me.

From his book:

p.21 "...it's wreathed in fog and might be slightly out of sequence.  At times my memory places it right there,... But at other times memory casts it forward, to many years later."

(I related a lot to that, as I find it hard to place things in time in the correct place, and have found that events will turn up at different times and ages, and I gradually adapt my recollections accordingly - putting them in different places and times)

p.27 "As a defense mechanism, most likely, my memory was no longer recording things quite as it once did."

(I relate to this - interesting to hear it mentioned as a defense mechanism)

p.65 "Part of my brain knew, but part of it was wholly insulated, and the division between these two parts kept the parliament of my consciousness divided, polarized, gridlocked.  Just as I wanted it."

(I relate to that.)

p.69 "Being so obtuse, so emotionally unavailable, wasn't a choice I made.  I simply wasn't capable, I wasn't close to ready."

p.159 "Grief is a thing best shared."

p.360 "Isn't 'defending each other' the first rule of every family."
p.369 "I'd been so conditioned to do as I was told."
(I definitely relate to the second of those statements - but am quizzical about the first - because I don't know what rules there are within families -they seem to different)

p.371 "Anything you do affects the whole family."

(I relate to this as I felt responsible for what happened within my family - almost to a ridiculous level of believing my power in it, but yet - I don't think I had any power at all - I was extremely defenceless).

p.4 "Apart from fear, I was feeling a kind of hyper-awareness, and a hugely intense vulnerability."

Prince Harry quoted his father as saying 'Please boys - don't make my final years a misery"  (I related to feeling guilt over feeling that I was 'to blame' for not being able to keep contact with my FOO - and yet I felt I had to estrange in order to survive and keep my mental health intact).

p.11 "Alas, the memory lies, with a million others, on the other side of a high mental wall.  Such a horrid, tantalizing feeling, to know they're over there, just on the other side, mere inches away - but the wall is always too high, too thick.  Unscalable."

p.18 "Did I imagine shapes sliding along the walls?  Did I stare at the bar of light along the floor, which was always there, because I always insisted on the door being open a crack."

(I relate to the crack of light under a door - leaving the light through there on - very much.  I also relate to the images of shapes sliding along walls as well.  )

p.21 "The next few days passed in a vacuum, noone saying anything"

(I related to this also - the horrible vacuum that follows when something is said that isn't acceptable and how there can be a punishing silence).

I've quoted things from Prince Harry's book, and my own comments on those things are afterwards in brackets.

The other thing I wanted to write a note of in my journal is the utube video that I had watched a few times over a few weeks - although I've not watched it for the past 3 weeks now.  It's called 'EFT for Sexual Abuse: Using the Movie Technique and Quantum EFT."  I wanted to keep a note of its name.  It was tough to watch at first, but over time, it got better and was quite useful to me. 

I've also written the word 'interoceptive awareness' in a box underneath, and have no idea why I wrote that - but thought I'll write it here too, incase I realise later why I wrote it.

Glad to have written these notes, I've been meaning to write some for a while.  I can tear up the hand-written notes now.   

I still feel a bit sick and dizzy, but not too bad.  I know it's been good to type these things out here.  I want to keep them, and refer back.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you writing all that out.  I learned so much and it always catches me how we can find wisdom and support in places we might not expect like from Prince Harry or a parenting book.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Yes, I found much wisdom in both those sources - glad I read those books.  I also benefited from typing out the things, as it made me process them again - and I saw new things in that processing.  Things to mull over after and think about. 

***********
4th August 2023
I'm finding that I am feeling more comfortable with feelings in my body that would have previously frightened me - it's as if I now understand where they come from to some degree.  Also, I find that I can look at past events with a new lens - new perspective and understanding.  Reading different things has continued to help me to negotiate my way through some stuff.  Journalling is also helpful - both here and in my paper journal.  I've been having more dreams with content that is related to relationships and expressing some emotions, thoughts and feelings that previously would have tended to be repressed or not even noticed as such.

Keeping up with the EFT tapping daily - and incorporating some other meditation within that.  Always thinking about opening the door to my parts and them feeling more comfortable that I'm there for them.  I think of them during the day, and they do communicate with me.  I still feel a bit reticent to write what they say in this journal - but essentially they are communicating more and I'm getting used to feeling comfortable with that communication.

Noticing that when I feel the 'clunky' aspect of communication here, it is potentially resistance from another part for me to write about it.  That feeling is like walking through treacle somehow.  But it's ok - I feel that I can communicate, and say more than I felt able to say previously.  Sometimes I have been amazed by how much I've shared in this forum, really personal things.  Wonder how I managed to write about those things.  But everyone has always been supportive here, and non-judgemental, and more than that - truely empathised with my experiences and understood.  That is.... I can't think of the right word.  It means a lot.

Feeling a bit embarrassed now, as if my words have become too gushy. 

I've begun to do some yoga exercises as well - and find it is relaxing and being able to do things in my own time and with my own privacy to do them (rather than in a group setting - which is what I have tried in the past) - it's much better.  I don't strain myself - I think when I did yoga in a group in the past, my body tightened up in a defence, and I strained myself or hurt myself.  But at home, and in privacy, it's been better.  It's felt safer.  It's felt ok.

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

I don't think your post was at all gushy. And I'm glad you have benefited from the support of everyone here. We really can help one another. It's nice to read that you are doing some yoga exercises. I struggle with exercising in a group setting and avoid classes. I don't mine one to one with a coach and I need that because of my choice of exercise. But even that was horrendously tough at first.

Thank you for the extracts from the books. I've read Harry's book and I can relate to much of what he says. "Anything you do affects the whole family" really resonated with me and not in a good way. My FOO expects me to be in lockstep with them and being an individual is not encouraged. I am supposed to be a cog in the machine. Same for Harry, I guess. In his case it is a bit different because they are not an ordinary family and the eyes of the world and media are constantly on them. So from that point of view I agree with the statement. But I think it is a statement often used by a dysfunctional family to maintain compliance from the members. I fully understand and resonate with your dilemma about being made to feel responsible and yet having no actual power. It's a no-win situation.

From the parenting book I very much resonate with the giggling as stress release. And the power of laughter in general. I learned early as a child that if I could get mother to laugh she would not simultaneously be able to rage at me. Also the whole family seems unable to express appropriate emotions and we will all often laugh when others certainly would not. If I am failing at something when exercising with my coach, or finding it really hard, I will laugh. It does seem to ease tension.

[sanmagic7]

i don't think your post was gushy, either, hope. i related to so many things on the post before, i couldn't read all of it - it was very triggering for me, but i'm glad you posted cuz it also helped cement some things for me. validation is always good. and, yeah, from where you were, how much you shared in the past, you've really come a long way.  a good thing to my mind.  thanks for being here. you are wonderful.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Not gushy at all, dear hope. Lovely to read and I'm so happy your parts are trusting you more and allowing you to write and hear more.

I agree with yoga. I can't with classes but it's been nice now that I can tolerate it at home.

[Eireanne]

Hope, really appreciate you sharing all the parts of the book you were reading that resonated with you.  Lots of things to think about in there.  Thank you 

[natureluvr]

I'm finding that I am feeling more comfortable with feelings in my body that would have previously frightened me - it's as if I now understand where they come from to some degree.  Also, I find that I can look at past events with a new lens - new perspective and understanding.

What you wrote above sounds like significant progress. 

I too feel the people in this forum are very empathetic and non-judgmental.  It's so helpful.

[Hope67]

NarcKiddo  I appreciated what you said, and also the parts you related to in the books - I also think that the statement "Anything you do affects the whole family" is one that resonates with me - so much so, I felt I needed to repeat it.  I also think that humour is a helpful defence in situations - I found it helpful to learn some jokes when I was a child, so that I could be more popular in one of my schools.  Making people laugh was something that seemed a nice thing at the time.  Previously to that, I think that humour in the family for me was one where sarcasm was used quite a bit.  I didn't like that so much.

SanMagic Yes, there was a lot contained in the notes - I am glad that you found some of it helpful, and I think I maybe should have put some trigger warnings before it - it's always hard to know what will be triggering.  For me, a lot of the things about 'goodbyes' were very triggering.  But I was happy that there were some reasons put forward for why they might be so, and it helped me a lot to hear that. 

SanMagic, sending you love and hugs too 

Armee Thanks for what you said.  I am glad that you also enjoy and tolerate yoga at home.  I wish I'd discovered it earlier, but I don't think I was ready earlier really.  It took me a long time to relax my body sufficiently to be able to focus on helpful relaxing things within the yoga, and I'm only beginning to explore it.  But I do like it so far. 

Eireanne Thank you for saying that - I appreciate your hug too - thank you 

natureluvr Thank you so much - I do think it's been some progress.  I was glad to be reminded of it - as this morning I felt a bit like I was back to several squares before, but re-reading this and seeing things that people have written here, it's helped me feel more grounded again.  I agree with you that this forum is so helpful.

*************
10th August 2023
I got myself into a bit of a state this morning, and ended up crying infront of my partner.  I realise it was because parts of myself had blended with me, and 'acted out' some things - and my partner was the one who reacted to those things, and called me out on the behaviour that had come out of me.  But him doing that, meant another part of me was distraught and upset and confused and showed that.  Hence the tears.  What I heard my partner say was 'You worry about things before they've happened, and make them into worse things that are likely to be" - I acknowledged in my head, as he said this, 'Yes, he's right, I do' - I am so hypervigilant to things that can/could go wrong.  Usually those things are better than I anticipate they will be, but I have the whole stuff going on about 'what could happen'. 

He's gone out now, and I am thinking about it.  I don't feel too bad now.  I think that's good - because I feel sure that previously (in the past) I would have been left with feelings of abandonment, just by the fact he had to go out. 

I do think I'm co-dependent, but I must admit when I try to think of what that means, I'm not sure I understand the concept of what it even is.  I think to myself, it's not a bad thing to have some co-dependency with one's partner, it is surely ok.  Infact there's parts of me that really like that. 

Another thing was that there will be some 'in-laws' coming to visit during the Summer and I'm getting a bit worried about that.  How I'll cope and what questions they might ask me concerning my own FOO.  I hate that uncertainty of what people may or may not ask.  How I'll respond.  etc etc.  The fact I've begun to talk more about some issues from the past doesn't mean I am ready to talk to in-laws about the ins and outs of anything.  I am balancing along a beam is how it feels - and might fall off.

Last week I was shredding some old notes I'd made - and I nearly tore up a whole 'work-book' about my FOO that I'd created previously - containing a lot of notes that I'd made through different courses I'd attended and books I'd read and information I'd found (like a detective sourcing things that were helpful and meaningful, and notes that I can read back on an reflect).  There was a part of me that wanted me to get rid of them, (similar to when my partner says 'If only you could move on from it, and put it all behind you') yet, it's impossible to do that really (I feel).  Anyway, I shredded quite a few things, but thankfully NOT the work-book - I managed to keep hold of it, and I am glad about that, because I put a lot of work and effort into compiling stuff within it, and if I had shredded it, it would have been lost and memory can be tough to reconstruct.

Another thing that I found the other day was that different parts of myself now do talk and say things in my head, and I've noticed that they interact with each other such to discuss things in my life. 

Trigger warning: mentioning CSA
Regarding CSA I realise that different parts of myself have different views on this, i.e. whether it even actually happened, there is a part that literally says 'but what if it wasn't like that' 'were you confused about what was happening' etc  Then another part will express that it is definitely true that CSA happened, and can list the things that support that view.  Then there's the terrified part - who has no words, but 'feels' things.

On a positive note, I have been able to communicate with the terrified part in the night - it's happened a couple of times this week, and I feel the presence of the terrified part, and another part of me responds immediately and says 'You're welcome!'  'You'll be safe with us'  'I'm glad you're here' 'Come and lie safely and sleep peacefully' (peacefully wasn't a work I thought of just then, but some predictive text put it as a possible word, and I like it, so added that word).  I've found that to be very helpful, because the terrified part seems to respond and relax, and then I am able to get back to sleep without being affected by the fear and terror feelings.  It is definitely a bit of a revelation to have that change for me.  I am thankful. 

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

So much of what you have written above resonates with me.

I, too, worry about things that might happen, and all of the increasingly bizarre "logical" follow-ons to those things, and work out how I would respond to them. I have often felt like the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland (I think it is her - the one who screams and cries in advance of an injury so she doesn't have to do it when the injury occurs). I am working on this with my therapist. It was developed as a coping mechanism and maybe once it served some purpose. I am very wedded to it, still, and in my last therapy session tried to defend it to my therapist in some situations concerning my FOO. She has advised me to try to concentrate more on the fact that I am an adult and I can protect child me from the things I try to plan for. It is impossible to plan for every eventuality so by doing so I just exhaust myself, possibly for no benefit when my FOO does something even I have not been able to imagine in advance. The fact that you say usually things turn out better than you imagined (which also happens to me) tends to suggest that the advice from my therapist to me might be something you could try thinking about more.

I agree with you that it is fine to have some dependency on a partner. That is healthy. Relationships ebb and flow - there are times when one partner needs to depend on the other more, and vice versa. I guess the problems occur when each person gets stuck on their own tracks and feel they invariably *have* to respond to a partner in a certain way, or do certain things, or there will be some unwanted consequence.

People who wish we could just move on sort of have a point. I am sure many of us wish the same thing. But I think what others fail to understand is that CPTSD actually re-wires your brain. It is not just something you can walk away from. Of course you can develop new wiring in your brain but the old circuitry remains, even if not used, so it is easy for us to tap into the wrong circuit by mistake.

I hope the in-law visit goes well. I think that is an instance where it may pay off to thing about some things in advance (though whether my therapist would agree I don't know!). However, we all know people ask polite questions. Perhaps you don't need to think so much about exactly what they might ask (which you cannot predict) but rather think about some bland "stock" answers you can have. I assume they are not likely to start asking overly intrusive and personal questions from the get-go, so stock answers could range from purely factual information in reply, even if it does not quite fit the question asked (parents and siblings jobs, ages etc) to a conversation closure (my family did not really get along very well and I would rather not discuss them, thanks. Now, do tell me about your new car...). Maybe you could even ask your partner to help steer any conversations away from your FOO rather than encouraging them. Since he wishes you could leave it all behind you can point out that by removing them politely from present conversation with the in-laws he is helping with that endeavour.

I'm interested (and glad) to read that you have been able to communicate with the terrified part in the night. I find it hard to communicate with child me but I have had a couple of instances (always in the night) where child me is very upset and I have been able to calm her after a couple of false starts. I found it a very weird experience at first, because in the past I have been completely overtaken by child me and lain awake for ages. Having a small portion of adult me still available and able to comfort child me has been a revelation to me, too.

I am sorry you have been upset and struggling but I think your update contains a lot of positive and helpful insights. It seems like you are making good progress even if it doesn't always feel like it.

Sorry, this post has turned out a bit long, and maybe is a bit full of suggestions. I am very prone to try to make helpful suggestions but I realise that is not always the best thing. Please don't feel you need to respond to anything I have said and I will try to rein back my walls of text.

 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I read your update today and appreciate your reflections. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Thank you for sharing about your parts. I'm glad that you're able to talk to them in the middle of the night and try to get them to relax, and that they hear you.

I think the work your doing is very important for you and I'm glad that you kept that journal to reflect on. I hope it helps you.

Sending you support,
dolly 

[Kizzie]

That is just so cool that your parts are talking with and to one another now, especially that your terrified part listens and is able to calm in the night

[Armee]

I relate to so much of what you said. Well pretty much all of it. 

Especially the part about being worried about the in laws and what they might ask and how you might respond and not being ready to share yet. Similar to you I worry about these things a lot and then similar to what your partner points out and you noticed...usually the dreaded conversations don't even happen. Though I still think it's a bit useful to think about how you want to respond if something comes up before you are triggered.

I wish it were possible for people to understand that putting the past behind us and moving on 1. Isn't always possible 2. We want nothing more than to do that and 3. It's actually by taking it out from under the rug or wherever we shoved it to survive and really examining and processing it that we can actually successfully move on. Until then it will keep haunting us.

I also struggle with what you describe about some parts knowing and some having no idea. Last week I tried saying to my T (about little kid stuff) that I didn't know what that was in terms of things I've said before about it because I don't know what happened. He just looked at me and said "I know what it's about, but we won't go there until you're ready." Then of course I dissociated and later panicked. But it also felt good to parts that he knows and believes. Sometimes I say things or see things that make it sound like I know and sometimes I truly have no idea and believe nothing bad happened.

But ...the same thing happened for years about what I now know for sure happened when I was 19 in Greece. For years I would say things that alluded to this and I'd hear myself say these things and have no idea where this information was coming from, but when I'd say it it felt very true like it was coming from a very deep and certain spot inside me that just spoke right through me. And then later I'd be so confused about why I said those things because I had no knowledge of them.

So...I believe those parts of you that know. And I really get the parts that don't know. At first I couldn't tolerate those parts coexisting. It had to be all one or all the other. It sounds like you are in a good place with the sides that know and don't know. And yeah then there's the terrified part. 

I think you are doing great and am really happy you kept the workbook.

[sanmagic7]

hope, i agree that i think it's great your parts are talking to each other. i also understand your hypervigilance - i'm there with you, unfortunately.  just trying to keep everyone inside safe in an anticipatory manner.  it sucks, tho.

you're doing so well, hope - it's wonderful to see how far you've come.  love and hugs