Phoebes’ Journal

[Phoebes]

I decided to start a journal here. I keep a journal on paper based on the book the artists way, but as I write, I find myself veering off into these topics.  and then feel anxious my journals will be found one day, and oh the horror if anyone rad my thoughts about narcissistic abuse and my lengthy recovery from it all. I feel like society and family don't at all relate to seeing this for what it is, and the more I open up to anyone outside of people here, the "worse" I am seen.

Anyhoo, although I've spent the last 8 years sorting all of this out, and all of the ups and downs,  mostly focused on NM's abuse and effects- the way I handle life or lack thereof. It's taking me longer to realize the role my enabling father has played, and that he is actually ND as well. I really don't like labels, but clarifying this has helped me see his sneaky covert underlying narcissistic behaviors, not just nm and no-m's..

I keep thinking about writing a letter to nd, but then I get stuck and exhausted and give up on it. I can see my mind is confused and warped in the way of being gaslit, and I think that's what is going on. At this point I don't even want to write him a letter, but I haven't been able to let this go, and I don't want to be in long-term depression because of this like I was with my mom. I know what the deal is with these behaviors, it's just hard to think it's my dad doing them. I guess that takes me back to The feeling that my dad was the good guy, the nice parent, The fun one, The non-abusive one. I realize that was an allusion and I remember many times he betrayed me and abandon me in moments of abuse and in general. And I realize he has abandoned me in adulthood now.

What do I mean? Well, he has essentially become his wife. And his wife is highly narcissistic. She wanted to move far away fair enough her choice, but this has put a great deal of distance between my dad and his entire family. Then, it's a place where there is work for her career, but no work for his. So he quickly became financially dependent on her. She has driven it home that every move he makes better be some thing that could potentially make money, and a lot of it. This haughty attitude, tone and pressure comes out in my dads comments very often, daily, and is so stressful. I've talked to him about this many times, gently, and he keeps on.

I think one thing that makes me and others overlook my dad's problematic behaviors is that he is so charming sweet and creative. He is an exceptional artist and musician. He used to be so down to earth silly funny active and fun as a dad to a young child. I don't know where that dad went or if he was ever truly there, I think he is. But also there is a dad who is so very codependent that he is willing to allow his children to be abused, spoken down to, manipulated and controlled. He is willing to become a person who does those things to appease  his partner to keep the peace at the expense of his daughters, even as grown middle aged women.

Seeing me as a thing. This is really at the heart of what I'm struggling with right now. I can see that in the last few years he has abandoned me, our relationship, on another level than even before. I told him exactly how I felt about everything about three years ago when he visited here. On a sidenote he only got to visit because she paid his way and he had things he could sell here. When he didn't sell them he said he won't be able to come back here since it's not lucrative enough. Anyway, One of the things I told him is that it really hurts when I can hear her in the other room she is raging about things I was unaware of. For example apparently I was supposed to wake up super early to do something but I slept until 7:30 AM and that was too late for her. So she's in there yelling at my dad and then each conversation I hear from the other room I hear her say that I don't love him. I think overtime this has sunk in and he believes that. I told him that is not the case of course  that I do love him I want a relationship with him but I do not want to go up there and be treated badly. Rather than working on that and looking at themselves, they have both stuck with the program that I need to just forgive and forget nobody's perfect  and if I don't come up there on my holidays I don't love him or respect her. It is so crazy making. I thought by telling him he would see, but no.

More recently, I had Covid, the bad kind that lingers and hits hard. I still have symptoms actually but this started before the Christmas holidays. I missed Christmas entirely and was at home sick by myself. He knew but never called and checked up on me. Not even on Christmas day. This reminded me that he has never called or checked up on me in times of need. Heaven for bid he just knows since we're close and talk often. Oh no he never calls doesn't know what's going on in my life at all not a source of support or understanding whatsoever . But then will get mad if I don't tell him if I have a major illness or injury. He never called when I broke my arm except wants to get mad at me that I didn't tell him that I broke my arm. Let's just say for any illness or injury he did not support, ask or listen. It's like he can't handle it. And it's always been this way! I think this is one of the reasons that I've always felt shame if I'm sick and have to miss work or how I am a stealth independent don't need anyone. I do need help but I have a very very hard time asking for it and I'm just fine being alone otherwise.

Anyway back to being a thing. I think the combination between the above and the recent request. Out of the blue he contacted me for the first time in a year of his initiation and just assumed I was going to do him this big favor. This big task that I don't want to define because it's very specific. Anyway it is a major undertaking and it is for his project. He just assumed I would be happy to stop everything and do that. No intro, hi how are you doing, nothing. I said I don't know I will have to see and he just ran right over and acted like I was going to yes he would pay for it don't worry if it takes me a month and even told his brother I was going to do it he said something to me about it at Christmas. The Christmas my dad was not at that took place before I caught Covid. I actually think I caught it there.

In addition, since they don't come to Christmas because "nobody comes up to see them ", he sent me as a Christmas present a book with a very haughty tone and fundamentalist message. His card had the same tone. He said he hopes I will get involved in church and that he and his wife focus on God so Christmas is every day for them. And that there is only one way to heaven. This all said when we never have a conversation about beliefs or anything. We don't have a close enough relationship to even talk about it. I would be glad to talk about spirituality if I was treated with respect in a conversation but I'm not. He just tells me what to think and believe and then walks away. Like I'm a thing. He doesn't talk to me all year and then sends me a gift and card like this. Like I'm a thing. I'm a means for him to tell himself he is being a good dad by trying to keep me out of *. And by telling me how my mindset would be better a.k.a. more forgiving  if I did these things. Based on what the book is about and what previous books he has also sent are about.

I know this is way too long for anyone to give it their attention and I don't expect anyone to read it. I guess I'm sorting out my thoughts like we all are. Part of me is so mad at his choices, but most of me is just so deeply hurt that my father does not even see me as a human. I know this is his stuff, his programming and his shadows that he has not dealt with. But it still hurts and I'm still without a dad.

[Snowdrop]

I read it, Phoebes. I hear your pain, and I can relate to a lot of what you say. I hope you find journalling here helpful.

[CrackedIce]

Hey Phoebes.  A lot of what you've said has hit home for me, but from the other side - I'm been in the role of passive, enabling father to my wife's aggression before.  Working on myself and our relationship, and reading stories like yours and learning how parenting affects a child's development through my own therapy, is giving me the motivation to make sure I can be a better parent so my kids don't have to go through the same things.

The only calling when they need something, the out-of-the-blue contact on a sensitive matter like spiritual beliefs is definitely jarring and upsetting, I empathize with you there.  Like you're only there to mirror and validate their needs and values, not the other way around like a good parent -> child relationship should be.  My relatives have also been of the "forgive and forget" mindset as well, which is aggravating to say the least.

Wanted to say we've got a section called Recovery Letters where it may help to write that letter to your father, even if you never send it.  Getting the thoughts out of your head and down on paper is quite helpful I find.

Hope you have a good week!

[Papa Coco]

Phoebes,

I read it. And I got deeply involved in it. So much of what you said resonates with me. It sounds like your dad may be like my dad, a benign narcissist. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgmfGRXi2E8. Narcissism is basically a brain that thinks we're not all connected. That's why selfishness is their defining attribute. The opposite is Empathy, which is the knowledge that we are all connected. That being said, there are various kinds of narcissism. His wife is showing all the signs of being a nasty, full-blown narcissist. She's isolated him from his family and friends and has him completely dependent on her. Like he's a family pet, rather than a human being.  But your dad sounds to me like he's a selfish, benign narcissist, which is like "Narcissism-light." Not so mean, but absolutely selfish. Benign narcissists like to be entertainers; comedians, musicians, or just the life of the party, etc., but when the party is over, the only person who matters to them is themself.

I didn't recognize my dad's narcissism until our little sister took her own life. She gave her life to my parents. They had her believing her entire life was about taking care of them. When she passed, dear old Dad barely cared. He once said to me, "Too bad she died. She was a good kid." THAT was the ONLY thing he ever said about having lost his youngest, and sweetest child. Meanwhile I was crying my eyes out nearly every night for two solid years.

What I find to be one of the saddest things I see people go through, is what I now call "the day of awareness". It's the day a person realizes that the people they've given their lives over to were nothing but lying narcissists who never loved them in the way that they'd pretended to. It's the day they finally become aware that no one is ever going to apologize for all the years of selfish manipulation. When that happened to me, I was inconsolable for days. How could I have been so stupid for 50 years to believe that my parents gave a dang about me? How could I have been so blind for 50 years that I allowed my narcissistic elder sibling to work me like a servant, and then thank me by making up thousands of lies about me, which she routinely propagated to all my relatives, and how every freaking day for those 50 years I thought she cared about me, and was just not good at showing it. For 50 years, as a younger member of that big family, I answered their beckon calls, and for fifty years they did nothing but talk crap about me to each other, which explains why there were times everyone in the family was mad at me, and I had NO idea why.

It was good that I got these people out of my life for good (I went full No Contact with absolutely ALL of them when I was 50--I'm 62 now). but even though estranging from them was the right thing to do, it felt horrible. I obsessed about how I'd been tricked into believing their abuse was "love" then, and now, 12 years later, I still sometimes start to obsess over wishing they would apologize for the bad behaviors and for the hurt they'd caused me in a million different ways over the course of 50 years. Letting go of these people is NOT easy. It needs to happen, but, mixed in with the sense of freedom is a sense of mourning and grief that, for me, has just become a part of who I am now. Many times per day I still look up to the sky and thank my lucky stars that they are out of my life forever. But many times per day I also miss them, and fantasize that at least one of them finds me and apologizes for everything that happened. It'll never happen, but part of me is still waiting for it.

I just witnessed this "moment of awareness" event happen again. My former best friend died a few weeks ago on the US Thanksgiving day. He was married to a bad, violent narcissist. His daughter, from the previous marriage, tells me that while he lay in the hospital for three weeks before passing, that his wife never once came to visit. But she called him on the phone and screamed at him several times. We all knew he'd married a narcissist, but he couldn't see it. He was just happy to not be alone anymore. As he lay in his bed, he kept asking everyone why his wife wouldn't come visit him. He is said to have sobbed and sobbed over it multiple times. He kept asking his daughter, "For six years, I've given her everything she asked for, and now that I need her...where is she?"  That just breaks my heart. And his daughters are now in that horrible place where they have to find it in their hearts to let go of the fact that their dad chose this nasty narcissist over his own daughters, and that she did nothing but abuse him and he just kept valuing her abuse over their love.

So when I read your post, I just kept thinking about this moment in time when good people really, truly see that narcissism has been abusing them for years, or decades, and they just can't find peace with it yet.

I'm not saying that's exactly what's happening in your life right now, but I'm saying that your post reminded me of all that pain in my own life and in the lives of so many people I know. Narcissists are everywhere. Some are more obvious than others, but in all cases, with all types, they are selfish and unable to actually love anyone, even their own children. They have no ability to connect soul-to-soul with anyone but themselves.

The good news is that we have the power to become fully aware of who these monsters really are. When we discover it, we see that they aren't "evil geniuses." They're just "evil". In fact, once we learn all about the various kinds of narcissists, we find a beautiful freedom to our own lives. We seem to learn how to take their leash off of us, so we can run free in our own yards. It still has some residual pain. I had spent 50 years making excuses for my own family's behaviors, so I could feel like I was a part of a big, loving family. They were big...but their love was horribly conditional. But still...I miss being a part of a big family, even though I can't stand the feeling of being in a narcissistic sociopath's life in any way ever again.

[Phoebes]

I read it, Phoebes. I hear your pain, and I can relate to a lot of what you say. I hope you find journalling here helpful.

Thanks so much, snowdrop. 

[Phoebes]

Hey Phoebes.  A lot of what you've said has hit home for me, but from the other side - I'm been in the role of passive, enabling father to my wife's aggression before.  Working on myself and our relationship, and reading stories like yours and learning how parenting affects a child's development through my own therapy, is giving me the motivation to make sure I can be a better parent so my kids don't have to go through the same things.

Thanks crackedice, I'm sure your offspring appreciate your self-reflection so much. It's all I've ever wanted but know I won't receive.

[Phoebes]

Papa Coco, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. I can certainly feel how she would feel in that situation. I've had SI since a young age and still think of it sometimes. I'm very sorry she felt like that was the solution. I can understand.

Thank you for your supportive words and time. I would say that's pretty accurate, what I've been realizing the last couple of years with my dad. Believe me I've read all the things and watched all the YouTube's lol. I've spent a lot of time healing my nervous system and realizing my dysfunctional patterns and trying to work on those as well. I don't want to feel this way forever but I couldn't have imagined eight years ago I would still be going round and round about it. I know logically there's no hope for change, but I guess I've never given up hope and there are still things I miss about my mother  and father, even though they had no problem throwing me under the bus.