Eight Years

[Phoebes]

TW  emotional, physical, verbal abuse.


It's been almost 8 years of no contact, and with each step of healing, evolving, understanding deeper layers of the onion, I still feel unresolved. I know the experience and literature say not to send a letter, and that you will never ever take responsibility for your actions, words or tone, and that you will never change. That has been supported by all the attempts at contact you have made and what you said in them, by the actual last conversation we had, and especially by the narrative you have created and/or allowed to be assumed, making sure others believe falsehoods about me. Throwing me under the bus.

You have said a few times you don't see why we can't just talk. That you would like to sit down to a meal and talk about whatever is bothering me. Just this alone... why we can't talk? Because WE don't talk. I can't get a sentence out without being steamrolled over, and my impending thoughts never seen, but assumed.."conversations" are not conversations. Our last "conversation" was full of gaslighting, covert emotional abuse, targeting my wounds, minimizing, criticizing and flipping the script. If I had any thought or feeling at all you interrupted and raged.  In fact, there has never been a time where we could sit down and talk, as much as I would have liked a relationship with my mother. After a,, the invites and suggestions that you said no to all of those years, how you did not want a genuine relationship with me..why now that you have lost your illusion of control?

One of the many things you said was, "if you got molested that was your own fault." Then, within two weeks of saying that to me, you posted a tribute complete with picture to the very person that molested me. Still never asking me what happened and when. Never apologizing for not believing me when I was 10 and never questioning, but sticking with the firm narrative that you protected me after I told. To which I have said was not the case. When I asked why you were only concerned about your own feelings about my molestation, and not mine, you said "I only know how I feel. How would I know how you feel."

The thing is, and especially at certain holiday times, I feel compassion for you and believe that maybe I have come to a mental place of peace that I can accept how it is, and maybe we could have some sort of subdued interaction. There are certain things that I miss, that make me think of you and make me sad and wish things could be different. I know that this has been generational trauma. I just don't know why you didn't and don't seem to want to do better. You rage at the mere suggestion of thinking about something differently.

There are so many threads of life that are and we're affected by your abuse. Verbal, physical, and emotional. You said I need to stop holding grudges for you disciplining me when I was a kid and that you never laid a hand on me. I know you admitted to one time you slapped me in th face for giggling in the mall. But then you very mainly said "sorry things I don't remember. There are you happy now?" Then after that you said you apologized basically get over myself. And you repeated that sentiment in your texts and notes after I went no contact. I didn't even intend to go no contact I just said I needed some time to think in my mind that was going to be a couple of weeks but all of the things you ignored my request and said just solidified I could not answer after that.

It's not the past. it's the present. it's my whole life.  For example, you're perfectly fine with allowing your latest husband of the past 10 years and his entire family think there's something wrong with me, you have no idea why I am estranged, and have made them think that I am holding grudges from childhood and cannot forgive. This just shows that you don't see me, have not heard me, and see things that aren't there. It's funny sense from a very early age after you abuse me you would always be sure to say that I should be thankful I didn't have it as bad as you and I don't know how good I have it.  You brainwashed me to feel sorry for you when you abused me. And I did whether it was physical emotional or any of it. You ruled with an iron fist made me a frayed of you and feel sorry for you at the same time and pulled out all the stops to silence me, not allow me to have my own thoughts and feelings or even preferences  and shamed me and punished me if I even tried to. On top of that you gaslit me, acting like two other people you never would be the kind of person who did those things. You would say things in private and then something totally different with other people around. So they would be sure to know you would never do what you actually were doing in private. And they would never believe me if I told. You or in fact sadistic and cruel in your words and actions towards me. Did you feed me and provide a roof and clothing? Yes. But you passed down the generational trauma of emotional abuse and neglect. You may have forgotten what you did and said to me but you knew when you did and said it and you never one time my entire life apologized for one single thing. Even when I got punished for things you later learned I did not do, or berated me for things I did not do you never apologized. You still never have truly apologized for one single thing. Do you think by saying or writing the word sorry counts but none of them were genuine apologies they were manipulations . Always trying to get off the hook and find loopholes that's all.

This is really rambly and I'm sure I will write some more. Later. When I think of writing a letter I think of it as much more concise than this but these thoughts have been running through my mind and I'm just getting them down.

[Phoebes]

UGG. I have been trying voice to text. I have not caught the mistakes very well in the above post. I wanted to go ahead and add one thing before going to bed. The thought in the last paragraph about how I am just holding grudges and can't forgive. The thing is in my heart from a very early age I was a very spiritual kid and very forgiving. And through all of the abuse I kept genuinely forgiving each and every infraction knowing that you must've had things happened to you, you said I had it worse but it must've been bad for you to be so mean. I for gave and forgot from an early age through the time we went no contact and I learned that forgive and forget is an abuse tactic. You used that guilt and shame to control me even though I was already forgiving and forgetting. Did you brainwash me to do that or was that genuinely me? I thought it was God. That's a whole other issue of brainwashing for another day. I find it strange that you could not see for 47 years when you were being forgiven for every abuse and rage and mean words or actions you dished out it never occurred to you I was forgiving you. I guess she just thought you were successfully in control

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing this.

[Phoebes]

Thank you rainy. I know it's long.. 

[Phoebes]

When I start writing and thinking about this letter, my mind is inundated with too much all at once. So, I think I will write a letter, hopefully not as long, about each "topic" as it comes up for me. There are many and I may not write about them all. But, this is what happens when I remember something that was said..I think of why it bothers me and the implications of certain comments are often meant to mask a lifetime of a pattern...

Never one apology.

Carrying on from above, this thread began the whole "conversation" that was the straw that broke the camel's back. First of all, I remember clearly that I was on holiday, and as always I don't hear from you for weeks or months even though you live nearby. I called to check in with you not prepared for the impending onslaught. As you already know, because you said it, it started with you bringing up someone in the family who has done something horrible to another person in the family. And you saying how if you ever saw him again you would XY or Z. Shoot him kill him at Cetera which we all know you would not do. To which I said if I see him again I would ask him why he doesn't take responsibility for his actions and apologize to the family member. I said this because with him denying what he did it just causes so much pain for the little girl.

You immediately reacted with hostility saying "I bet you think I owe you an apology. well I don't owe you or anyone an apology. I only am accountable to God."  Wow OK. First of all I was not thinking about you at all, I replied, but I did say now that you mention it you do have a lot of reasons you should have apologized but have never apologized for one single thing my entire life. So why do you not owe me an apology, are you saying he does not owe her an apology either? At what point does someone deserve an apology?

Well this obviously sent you into a tizzy of degradation that had been some years since I had seen the full extent of. I experienced it all the time as a child. I understand now after a great deal of effort, research, hours of reading and watching therapist and doctors of their field on YouTube that this is how people with your set of traits respond. I did not know that as a child or through young adulthood or even until my 40s. I just wondered what provoked such rage when I spoke anything that was the truth however simple and obvious.

Anyway, you got belligerent and said you never laid a hand on me, and that children have to be disciplined. I said never laid a hand on me what a boldfaced lie. You said you only remember one time when you slapped me in the face in the mall. I said OK, why didn't you apologize to me at any point for doing that? You said I thought about it but didn't. That was in the past. Yes you always use the phrase that was in the past. Whether it was two minutes ago two days ago two weeks ago two years ago or two decades ago. It's always in the past but it never stops hurting. Would you say the same to the child mentioned above?  It's in the past get over it.

You know good and well and apparently you carry lots of shame about the way you abused me. Your abuse was sick and twisted and sadistic. Based on the research and answers I have received most people have not had the level of abuse I have had for it to affect them gravely. You created a lifetime of problems and healing I have had to do. I know this is generational trauma but I don't understand how you had no desire to do things differently with me. You would literally say after abusing me I'm just doing what was done to me. How sick is that? So I felt guilty, ashamed for having a problem with being abused, and felt sorry for you, forgiving and forgetting pretending like nothing ever happened and not allowing myself to have a problem with it.  Times 18 years of sick twisted mental emotional and physical abuse. Why did you want to do that to your daughter? And then you had the nerve to tell me if I had had kids I would've done the same thing. No I fing wouldn't.

Your reaction to that memory and that incident, your excuse making and refusal to have any empathy or apologize really hurt, I was even crying on the phone. That's even another topic not being allowed to cry and having a real problem with showing emotion and crying. So it was a big deal that I was crying on the phone and very upset, and you begrudgingly in a very mean aggressive tone said sorry for things I remember there are you happy now?  That like mini things you have said really stuck in my heart my body and my soul. You don't care. You don't love me. It makes sense why you have told me many many times I don't know what love is and I don't know how to love. Sometimes at random times. It really hurt but now I realize you were just projecting your inability to love. Your inability to know what love is.

That was only one topic brought up that day. The first one. You were able to get in quite a few hot button slides and digs. Gaslighting at its finest.

[Phoebes]

Gaslighting- Roommate Edition

Gaslighting is so ingrained in your communications that I will need to break it down into certain topics. I'll withhold the name but I called this roommate addition because we're not talking about roommates if you catch my drift.

In our so-called conversation you brought up the topic that I must be judge mental of you because you were in a relationship with your roommate and that's against the Bible. Projection much? Everything about that statement is not me and has never been in my mind.

Let me tell you what it is. A lifetime of being punished for being a tomboy. A lifetime of being denied my likes and dislikes not being allowed to do things I wanted to do and try, not being allowed to wear the clothes I wanted to wear. And certain clothes I could wear were made fun of or criticized. I did not come out of the womb an exact duplicate of you and that gravely upset and disappointed you clearly.

Everything from my walk, to the way I run, to the hobbies I wanted to do or did, you commented on constantly always in a negative way always making me self-conscious and having to alter my personality movements appearance and things I say to not "embarrass" you or make you disapprove. I had to monitor everything about myself and by the time I was about 10 I just stopped asking and trying. It just wasn't worth the rages anymore.

Then in high school when I insisted on playing a sport, I believe the only reason you let me play that one sport is because my other friends were playing it. I wanted to play more sports but I was forced to choose one by you. The coaches always asked me why I didn't play more sports but I protected you and just said I didn't have time to work everything in. I was successful in my sport, was captain, scored points and was considered a first team all district player in our large school district. You never once commented in a positive way or supportive. But the one time you were the carpool mom who picked us up from the game we were all joyful and happy we had won the game, sweaty and still in our uniforms you glared at me as if you were going to murder me and started raging in front of my friends  that I was grounded for two weeks. I could not figure out what you were talking about but then you finally said because my make up was off and I look like a Dyke. You never apologized for that but you brag to people when I was grounded that you're the type of mother who sticks by her word, Making it sound like there was something I did that deserved two weeks grounding and I knew what the punishment would be and did it anyway. I heard you saying these things outside of my window to my friends mom and the neighbor. On multiple occasions actually you didn't know I could hear y'all talking

Anyway back to the topic now that I have described how hated I felt just for being myself and how you made it clear that I had to be feminine and if there was anything else within me that was not OK. Then by the time I am 19 years old you are having an affair with someone close to my age and divorced dad. You told us she was your roommate and I could see your obsession with her. Y'all were together 13 years. You never apologize to me for making me feel like if I liked anything other than pink frilly feminine dresses then I was a Butch Dyke. You never apologize for accusing me of sexual preferences I didn't have. You just expected me to except you which I did! I was actually happy to know there was a reason  you had all of those things in your mind.

And I very sickly and dysfunctional he thought that now that you have excepted that part of yourself, maybe you would see me and love me for who I am. If you can love her for who she is. A very masculine woman by the way. But boy was I wrong. She was just one more person you could brainwash to believe things that weren't true about me. It was fine for her to walk with a sporty gait but not me. You've actually complemented and bragged about all the things you had to be rated and belittled me for throughout my entire childhood. Like oh she played all these sports why didn't I? G I wonder

Then when she left, you had another even more manly woman move in for nine years. I liked her as well. I really liked both of them it was just extremely dishonest how you were presenting yourself and more so how you could not put together how you had treated me my whole childhood and how contrary all of this was. I let that go, forgive and forgot and got along very well with your lesbian lovers. Because I am open minded and excepting and believe and live and let live not controlling other people.

But finally the clincher comes when lady number two leaves and you decide to jump on the Internet and start dating men again. After 23 years of being with women and after being denied my own personal hood throughout childhood just for being a bit of a tomboy, you now expect me to maintain the secret that you were never gay you were never with women. You met a man that you said if he ever knew he would never marry you. You set him up to say if you want to know about my past I'll tell you too which of course he said no I don't care about the past. Because he was thinking men or gaps in relationships. That was your way of lying to him and then you're expected me to lie to him as well to which I did and have kept your secret.

Fast forward to the straw that broke the camels back and you are accusing me of being judgmental of you and your relationships because of religious purposes. What? I just can't wrap my head around that other than that is the most sick twisted gaslighting projection I've ever heard. And it doesn't even occur to you to apologize for any of that. No apologies for the way you treated me in this area growing up.

[Phoebes]

Gaslighting- soul stalking edition

Related to the topic of "religion," this is one of those threads that has run throughout life that you feel the need for complete control. Like the complete control of my personhood as a child, you also started young with controlling my thoughts and therefore beliefs, or at least trying to. I did reserve many of my thoughts feelings and beliefs which I kept to myself that most of which I struggled with shame for having because it just felt like I was betraying you. Gross

Anyway this theme has run throughout life in different ways, but after starting at a very early age saying prayers before bed as well as sometimes going to church and being exposed to that with grandparents, at age 8 I went to a church with a friend that was I guess Baptist where they call you up to the front if you feel that you have excepted Jesus into your heart. I felt very strongly that day that I did and I went up to the front. Other people were up there too and the pastors set a little prayer and gave me a pamphlet about Jesus. I remember them being very kind and smiling and probably were endeared that such a young child came up on their own accord.

Later, my friends mom called and told you what I did likely thinking it was a sweet thing and that you would be happy about that. I just remember the look of the stain on your face and you rolling your eyes like I had so embarrassed you and you said with your usual negative tone "I always knew you were weird. " I remember thinking yes I know you think I'm weird, but why is this weird? And what's it to you what I believe? I was unaware of your level of control and manipulation obviously.

From then on I kept it to myself. But, in high school when all of a sudden y'all decided we were going to be church goers, I had developed quite the social anxiety by this time. Of course I never had a choice so I just went to the high school class as commanded. Turns out I liked the class, and the teachers. Two couples. The kids were nice, a small group. One feisty British boy who loved Ozzy Osbourne, questioned the Bible and knew it very well. I remember feeling like I had reunited with my belief and was interested in studying the Bible and knowing more and engaging with these people.

Before I know it one of the couples had left and you and dad had taken their place. In hindsight I find it very odd that parents would do that without even talking to their daughter first in this sensitive time of life. Y'all did not ask me if that was OK or how I felt about that or if I would enjoy that. You just did it and showed up and became the teachers. Which meant coming on our church retreats, lock ins, events etc. Which meant there you are again to come over and criticize me in my ear, comment on things taking place, comment on my behaviors the look on my face the way I'm walking if my lipstick came off. You get the drift.  Telling me not to be a cold fish. Telling me to quit being so shy and to let the boys win at sports. Monitoring my tomboy-ness.

One of the boys who wound up liking me and dating me for a little bit in the innocent nothing but handholding way. I'm sure he broke it off with me because he was tired of my mother being there and watching over him. And my mother clinging onto his younger brother acting all googly over him and like he's the son you never had. Coming home and talking to me about that boy and complementing all the wonderful things about him. You inundated my life once again controlled my experience and didn't allow me to just develop as a teenager should.

Then my favorite part of the story, not. When I got a little older between junior and senior year and I had many jobs mowing yards. I got a job mowing the church yard with the other teacher. That was a pretty good job because there was a riding lawnmower and a high powered weedeater. I will never forget the look on your face and the tone when you cornered me in the back bathroom raged in my face that I was having an affair with this grown man teacher. I was in shock and remember being very shaky and responding shaking my head saying no I wasn't as if I needed to explain myself to you. You insisted that I was lying and I was indeed having an affair. That his wife called her  and said she believes he is having an affair with someone at the church. You, my own mother, assumed that was me.

When it came out in the open that he was indeed having an affair but with a different married woman in the church, you never apologized. You acted like you never did that said that or thought that. You expected me to go on as if nothing had happened just like everything else all the other abuse. Of all the betrayals that was a pretty big one. I'm not sure what hurt worse the accusation or the lack of acknowledgment you were wrong.

The thing is you shouldn't of even been that close to the situation in the first place. Despite all that I still had a relationship with God but certainly nothing I could talk to you or dad about. Later in adult life when I decided to become baptized you said "don't you think that's a little close minded?" As if as a grown woman you just think you're entitled to blurt out any old opinion or criticism. What do you think I'm going to say to that yes I think it's close minded? Then after I went no contact you joined that very church that I had gotten baptized in. I had recently moved away , but why of all churches did you join that one after I went no contact? I can't begin to presume your reasoning but of all the churches on the planet that just seems very stalker-ish for you to go there so that you can be in a church group with all of my friends parents and tell them of your  disturbed mentally deranged daughter who has estranged from you and cannot forgive the past. It's just all very stalker-ish and sick and part of the reason why I always felt like you could snap and murder me. I've told friends if I am murdered suspect you first, that is how  stalker-ish and disturbed you seem to me.

Lastly, in our last so-called conversation you were telling me all about "the Bible" and how are you listen to Joyce Meyer and all of that I said yes back when I used to watch her and would talk to you about it you said I was close minded and that you were not interested. And she said well did you get anything out of it? As if to say if I had any problem with her behavior I was not forgiving and forgetting. Now you tell people the reason we are estranged is that I cannot forgive minor in fractions from childhood and that Jesus died on the cross to forgive so I should too. Whatever you think or believe just gets projected onto me and blurted out And I'm supposed to go along no questions asked and not have my own mind thoughts beliefs opinions likes dislikes etc. That was funny when you called me to tell me who to vote for but that's another story for another day which I'll probably skip.

[Phoebes]

This thread may should have been in the journaling area. Sorry so long.

*TW- physical abuse *






I think of all the things that I deal with, your denial of everything and dismissing my feelings even in the moment was more painful than the actual abuse. Being raged at and hit and accused of doing things and thinking things that I didn't were abusive and painful yes but then to turn right around and expect me to have no problem with it, to act like it never happened. And if I cried I got it more until I stopped. And if I expressed my feelings at all I got the dagger driven in so hard it silenced me for a long time. You achieved your control with abuse.

I believed you when you repeatedly said when I was 18 I could have an opinion. When I was 18 I could make my own decisions. When I was 18 things would be different. In reality things never changed ever even through adulthood. I thought as an adult you would be able to have a relationship with me, not be abusive and love me for who I was. I thought that was a privilege of being an adult. I tried throughout my 20s to invite you to my home, on a girls weekend that I wished we could have, to do things I thought we could bond over. You mentioned wanting to learn to kayak and I got you that weekend package of lessons we could do together and you never wanted to come and let it expire. Many things like that you left me feeling you just didn't want me. You certainly didn't want to spend time with me.

You couldn't punish me anymore but you could still control. Remove the joy of most situations. Take the joy away from traveling the world, going back to school, pursuing dreams, making my own way in the world. You were there to throw tantrums criticize and tell me I was going to fail, and die!  And I kept forgiving and forgetting and allowing you in my life. Which is some thing I have learned to forgive myself for .

I know that your behavior was generational trauma, fear, mostly subconscious, and if you had been conscious I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted to hurt your daughter that way. But it sure seemed like in all of the moments you were sadistically grinning, smiling that you were breaking me down. Feeling proud of yourself holding your head high aggressively spitting the last word and leaving the room like you were done with me and spit on my body laying on the ground. That's how you made me feel. And as a child my mind was swirling with making excuses for you, feeling sorry for you because you said you had it worse. I didn't know you were supposed to have empathy and compassion for me in the moment. Such as ask me if I did some thing, how I felt or why. You didn't give me a chance, you just launched into abuse, sometimes extremely badly. It was very confusing and all I could do was shut down. Crawl into a ball in my head and dissociate.

One of the "less" bad examples I can think of, at the little grocery store we used to go to, the sweet elderly man who used to hand out suckers to kids and pack groceries. I remember his slight body with lots of wrinkles. An African-American man with a big smile and heart. I loved that man and looked forward to seeing him at the grocery store even as a very young child. I remember wondering what brought him to working at this little grocery store as an old man and if I would work in a grocery store when I got old. I was very shy and never spoke. Partly my temperament was just quiet and shy, and also I learned not to speak. My voice would be stuck in my throat if I tried to speak to people (and even to this day sometimes). Including people like the teachers at school and anyone else by this point. I was aware of this about myself and it bothered me. I remember thinking that day OK I am going to get up the nerve to tell the man thank you when he hands me the sucker and quit being so shy.

When the time came and he handed me the sucker I was about to say thank you and you aggressively said "now, you tell him thank you or you're gonna have to give the sucker back. go on, tell him" and you did not even give me a chance or a second to breathe. It was like you were waiting to pounce in that moment. Like I could not have my own thought. You had to dictate it. I froze, literally. I could not speak or move, and he was just smiling at me. I just handed the sucker back and felt so much shame. Then you flipped your hands and told him you don't know what's wrong with her you didn't raise me to be so rude. And unless I can learn to be polite I'm not getting any more suckers. She told him not to hand me any more suckers after that.

I think back on that memory in a different way now, and think you have told me you had to discipline me to teach me how to treat people. Your exact quote. That and you are sick and twisted. I know you have reasons for being unable to have any empathy for me as a child or otherwise but so do all the murderers in the world that are in prison. Shall we just have empathy for them and not their victims and forgive and forget and say that was in the past?Catch my drift?

At the same store in the checkout line, I remember you turning really fast towards me and I threw up my hands thinking you were going to hit me which would not have been unusual. I remember the person checking us out glaring at you and you backing up and making all kinds of explanations like I don't know what's wrong with her I was just going to offer to buy her a pack of gum! (BS) She is always so sensitive and jumpy I don't know where she gets that! Etc. and I absorbed all of those things you were saying like God what an idiot I am why did I throw up my arms and embarrass my mother?

The opportunities to think back and realize all of the things that were really messed up. It's just so much and so overwhelming. For you to now say that I am just unforgiving of a couple of things from childhood and you have no idea and no memory of any of it. That is worse than all of the abuse. It's not about childhood it's about right now. Maybe you can't remember any of it. But you knew it when it happened. You knew what you were doing and you expected me to hide it from others.

You didn't see me at all you'd be rated me and embarrassed and humiliated me all the time. You whipped me in stores in front of people like a POS. Anytime I've seen anyone else getting whipped, in real life or otherwise my nervous system has been burned out. I was burned out from a young age, was shut down quiet respectful perfectionist and still got it on a regular basis. You say you had to discipline me but this was just for normal every day things like preferences or thoughts or slower than immediate reaction time because my brain was processing what was going on. Or not agreeing with you on some thing that was wrong. Or doing something that I had no idea was against the rules. Like playing football in the big ditch with the other kids . What was wrong with that? You came out yanked my arm up and whipped me all the way back to the house and to my room. Why? It's funny you don't remember anything because there were so many times. The worst times I have reserved we're not even riding about you know what you did.

So the thought that you just expect me to forgive and forget. Don't see that I've already forgiven and forgotten in the past my entire life. The fact you're spreading around false hoods and narratives that paint me in a bad light. The fact that you think I ruined your life and this family. None of that inspires me to want to reengage with you. But oddly here I am questioning if I should write you a letter and questioning if I should allow you back in my life.

[Blueberry]

fwiw Phoebes I don't think this particular piece of writing belongs on your Journal because you are addressing somebody in it, even if you don't include a salutation to whoever it is at the beginning of the writing.

Anyway more importantly, I'm so sorry at what you went through! It's horrendous. I hope writing it gets the toxins out at least a bit. Some of it sounds familiar to me and my own story, in the earlier posts. I believe you and I'm standing with you.

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Blueberry. That means so much to hear.

I know if I did write my mom it would not be long and detailed like this, but, I don't know where to put all of these feelings and memories and triggers that happen all the time. I ran into her at Christmas time because of one of my nephews events and again in a store. When I am around her I do not feel anger hostility or too much discomfort. It seems like it could be less if I would lighten up the load somehow on myself. Maybe it would be less stressful for me if I  was not estranged. I don't know.

[CrackedIce]

Hi Phoebes.  Just wanted to say thank you for sharing all of this.  I share a lot of this experience as well, and it's brought up a few things for me (in a good way!) that I'd like to sit down with and focus on.

I feel validated reading your letters, because things that have been minimized in the past (by myself, or by my mother, or by my relatives) when discussed in this context really highlight that what was done to us was wrong, no matter the excuses or perspective behind it.

Thank you

[Phoebes]

Hi crackedice, thank you for taking the tim to read my dissertation. (I'm not even finished yet..lol). I'm sorry you share similar experiences because I know it sucks. I'm glad it brings you validation. I'm glad to know validation is a thing, and something we all need. I had never heard of this until my early 40's 

[Phoebes]

Gaslighting- narratives

TW- physical, emotional, verbal, sexual abuse




Things pop into my head a lot. Lots of things remind me, daily, of things that happened, I believe because they are stored in my nervous system, and that gets triggered. Sometimes more than others, but something for me to need to calm down off of, I have made a lot of progress in this area, and once I learned about the nervous system and freeze/fawn responses, a world of understanding has opened up for me. I wish you could've pursued figuring out your own stuff, and that I could've understood that most of the time it's just your nervous system was set off and triggered by me having my own separate personhood.

The narrative that "once I told you about GD's inappropriate behavior, you protected me." As you have said this over and over throughout my adulthood, when I began asking why you and dad didn't say or do anything when I told. That is your go-to response when I am telling you otherwise. 

In my 20's when I saw a therapist, they would say I needed to "act like an adult and just say to you, "I don't want to talk about that, please stop bringing it up." That took a long time for me to be able to say, and I felt shame that I apparently wasn't acting like an adult. Once I did, you flipped out and said you are "the mother, and you will talk about anything you damn well please!" I remember you yelling this as you walked out the door in your hostile way and tone." Then as years progressed you just kept repeating that exact sentence/narrative.

In my 30s I actually said no you actually didn't because things kept happening throughout time until I was 17 actually. You said no it didn't. And I said I should know I was the one it was happening to. Why did no one ask me more about it when I told, and did no one notice when I never wanted to go to their house? I could see no one was going to believe me and GM had even said "if I say something like that again she will disown me." Age 10 was really fun for me. I also remember being told you were going to kill yourself because I didn't keep up with the laundry.. I remember it being the penultimate year of many beatings, and wearing the thickest jeans I could pick out every day in preparation for what was sure to come. I remember pumping myself up thinking ok, I'm not going to cry and I'm not going to let it get to me. I'm going to be STRONG.

Anyway, I digress. In our last "conversation," when you actually brought up and stated your same favorite sentence, and this was after all of the "not going to apologize" bs, I said, you know what, I think you keep saying that because you're just deflecting from talking about your own abuse toward me, which was way worse than anything he dished out. That didn't go over well, so of course you had to say well if I was molested it was my own fault. " just all of it... do you not hear yourself? Do you honestly feel entitled to say that? To me, it's not what you say, but that you think and feel do disgusted and disdainful of me. It all goes back to not being your clone, so of course I was bad and had to be the scapegoat.

There are soooooo many false narratives that you have perpetuated my entire life. Another one is that "it takes two to tango." Always drawing me in to be the problem, the reason you "had to control" me, had to threaten me or I wouldn't do the right thing. Had to threaten me if I didn't make the grades,

You were so busy threatening and punishing me you never even noticed that I liked school. I learned to read on my own from watching Sesame Street at age 4, my kindergarten teacher (age 6) had to tell you I knew how to read, and they were shocked at how high of la level I read for my age. That seemed to anger and embarrass you. Like I had not made it clear to them that YOU taught me how to read. I was a top student at school, all honors, honor roll and student council. You insisted I was average (to me) but ten told others that I made the grades because " I knew what would happen if I didn't." You tell your clueless new family how proud you always were of me and what a good student I naturally was. 

You pulled out all the stops to make sure I was not independent growing up. In my mind, I was adventurous and independent,a don that was something you could not take from me. However, when I asked to do age appropriate normal tings the answer was ALWAYS no. I learned to not even ask unless it was super important to me. Then most of the time it was no with rants about how YOU weren't allowed to do that so neither am I. You hated how your parents treated you, so instead of doing something different you made it clear that that is why I have to endure the same. You said it point blank many times.

Then, as your new husband comments on how adventurous I am, you state "yes because I raised her to be independent." This is how it always works. I succeed despite your best efforts, and then it was YOU that made that happen. It was only because of you.

You said so many times YOU put me through college, when dad helped me get a loan, I paid for every cent of the load,
Worked full time during school and three jobs in the summers to pay for school. Dad gave me 200/month which I appreciated. But in your mind it's all you. Then never a word about my grades or success playing my same sport at the college level. I believe I could have done so much more if I was not held back and felt I had no self worth. In the end, this path I carved in college wasn't even what I wanted to be doing- the school or the subject. I gave up long ago because when I mentioned what I wanted to do you through a berating rage saying get my head out of my *ss and forget about that, and more. You made me doubt myself and feel unworthy, and it was just not worth the rage. I literally felt you would likely murder me one day based on your rages, your facial expression and horrible things you said to me. All with the threat and expectation that I am not to mention or even remember it ever again.

I've gone through many bouts of SI, almost to do it a few times. You always said people who do that, as well as who get bullied are the weakest of the weak people. If nothing else I would never want to give you the satisfaction of following through.

Now, after our last "conversation," the narrative is it takes two to tango. You wouldn't have had to discipline me if I didn't do anything wrong so "just let it go, the past is the past, and you don't see why I need to bring up things that happened between us in the past." Newsflash, you don't get to dictate how I feel or how I handle your emotional abuse in the moment, 5 minutes ago or 45 years ago. You clearly have no empathy and are entitled to rip me to shreds STILL (not the last), and I am entitled to not be present for the moment you explode next.

[Snowdrop]

I'm there with you, Phoebes. I hear you, and I'm so sorry you went through these things. I hope you're finding it helpful to put everything down and it's easing your load.

[Phoebes]

Thank you snowdrop! I suppose it helps, but I feel like I move forward, have a full understanding so I don't feel the need to rehash, and then it comes around again. During the holidays, I just want to feel less pain. I start thinking I'd like to be able to know my mom in her elder years and then a flood of reality comes back and here we are.

Thank you for your kind words of support, that truly does help.