How to handle frequently getting "choked up"

[jay5r]

I have something of a growing problem with getting choked up (e.g. "verklempt") when talking talking or thinking about the simplest things. Pretty much anything with an emotional component can trigger it which is really awkward socially. My best friends are kinda used to it and just ignore it (which is helpful). But when I'm talking to people I don't know so well it's awkward for both of us since they don't know how to respond (I'm a beefy 6' guy - so it's not behavior anyone expects from me). And it hits suddenly in mid-sentence - so it's not like I can easily avoid it. About all I can do is pause really briefly, try to quickly suppress the emotion, and carry on by speaking slowly and deliberately - but my voice will waiver a bit which gives away the problem.

In a way I think this problem is better than the previous one - where years ago I was completely detached from my emotions. I was pretty locked down and compartmentalized. I get the sense this is happening now because I finally feel safe with my situation and so it's safe to explore/experience feelings I once suppressed. It's no big deal with I'm alone - it feels like a long process of "getting it out", but there are times when I need to be able to handle the emotion better.

Have any of you experienced something similar? How do you manage those situations?

[rainydiary]

Something that helps me is expanding how I communicate about things.  I think that we often are expected to use speech and speak with our mouths when that isn't always possible.

I look for opportunity to write or send emojis or share a podcast or article that really explains what I feel or experience.  There are also augmentative communication systems using words or picture symbols that some folks use.

[Bermuda]

I wish I had an answer, but I don't. I do suffer with this too and can relate to your feelings of awkwardness even as a tiny female. I always bounce between saying too much to explain my behaviour, or saying nothing and making everything weirder.

People are generally a lot more understanding than we think and those who are not exposed to so much trauma are also a lot less perceptive. They may not even notice you choke up, and if they do they might not take note or just think you needed to clear your throat or something. In my experience, those with complex trauma are the most observant and since we live inside ourselves we just assume that others are like that too, but they're not. We are almost always our harshest critics and we see ourselves differently and deeper than those around us.

[Kizzie]

So what came to my mind is practising speaking as much as you can and eventually you may not get choked up.  I say this because words used to get stuck in my throat and I couldn't get them out for the longest time (my NM used to talk right over top of me, and both she and my alcoholic F would criticize me so it was safer to stay silent). 

What changed that was going to university where I had to talk cogently/unemotionally.  While it was really difficult at first, eventually the dam broke so to speak. Occasionally when I am stressed I will get choked up or flounder about but it's rare these days. 

Maybe there is a F2F group you could go to where you could 'practise' talking until you are less prone to getting choked up?   It may take a bit as you're not used to speaking about your feelings but with time and practise it may become less difficult. Just a thought.

[jay5r]

Thanks for your replies...

@kizzie - I have zero problem talking about topics that don't have an emotional element - even in front of groups. But the moment something with an emotional component comes into the conversation I get choked up. For example I lead a bike tour of the Old Croton Aqueduct explaining the history as we rode the route. I was fine talking about how the old reservoir in Central Park turned into NYC's "Hooverville", but a moment later I had difficulty talking about how the aqueduct went through a part of Central Park that, at the time the aqueduct was built, was a neighborhood of former slaves. Slavery is just more of an emotional topic for me than poverty & homelessness.

@rainydiary - I do quite a bit of texting, etc. But there are moments when I need to / want to talk.

@Bermuda - Sounds like you've experienced what I'm talking about. When it happens to me I usually jump to something non-emotional and pretend the incident didn't happen, or if they make note of it, I try to downplay it with comments like "Oh, it's nothing - I get choked up sometimes." Basically I try to get across that they don't need to worry about it, and I don't really want to discuss it. It's awkward - as you know - but yeah, most acquaintances don't want to think/worry about stuff like that. Clearing my throat is an interesting thing to add. I'll have to try that and see if it works for me.

[Bermuda]

Sorry this is long and I don't want to make this seem like I am making this about myself. I just wanted to put context into what I wrote.

I was studying human rights law and this happened to me so often. I felt my professor was actually quite judgemental of me and saw it as a weakness, and clearly I wasn't in a position to explain myself or defend myself. It was often quite humiliating. I do imagine that most students didn't think too favourably of the professor for his behaviour toward me either. Some topics can be extremely challenging, even unexpectedly so. I remember posting about this when it was happening and the advice I was given on here was to explain it if possible. I have taken that advice in more personal settings and it has helped, mostly. Maybe this is why I said that most people will not be critical of you for choking up, especially talking about some travesty.

Choking up isn't unprofessional. It isn't a weakness. In the case of my judgemental professor, I read his published works and he survived genocide. Him being harsh of my emotional reaction was likely just him dealing with his own trauma. It had nothing to do with me.

I hope this in some way helps.

[Kizzie]

A F2F group for trauma or something similarly emotional may be the ticket for getting in that practice I was talking about or maybe a better word would be "release".  There's a lot of emotion that has built up internally sounds like so bleeding off some of that in a safe environment may help. 

[dollyvee]

Hi jay5r,

I think I have a very strong outer critic which is constantly scanning for dangerous situations, and looking for weakness in whatever context, to prepare for a fight. When there is a strong outer critic it can mean that someone was forced to take a non-cooperative move against their will, so that outer critic is a manifestation of powerlessness. For me, I think because it's so active, and the kind of hostile environment I grew up in, expressing any kind of vulnerability seems like a danger. Sometimes when I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm not "safe" or might not be "safe," it's almost as if a part overrides my brain and what I'm trying to do, and tries to keep me out of that place of judgement and ridicule in some sort of freeze response.

Perhaps it might be helpful to do some IFS and see what comes up for you around that particular feeling? I've found it to be really good as a way to bypass the mind and just connect directly to what's going on inside.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Armee]

 

I would feel quite touched and immediately I would feel safe and connected if a big beefy 6 foot guy got choked up while talking. Maybe it isn't such a liability or maybe as a guy it really is and maybe even feels unsafe. But perhaps in those unsafe situations faking an allergy attack would work.

[Papa Coco]

I'm a strong 6 foot tall man also, and I have the same emotional tendencies.

Like you, I was also detached for most of my life. Dissociated. But I'm becoming more authentically okay with who I am and why I am who I am. I'm also becoming increasingly proud that I now struggle to talk about such things as the death of my little sister, slavery, sexual abuse, child abuse, etc. Speaking only for myself, I'm no longer ashamed that I choke up. Sometimes, as it's happening, I laugh it off and make a comment like, "Sorry folks. This stuff still bugs me. But I'm workin' on it."

I'm also kind of proud that I sometimes shed tears at the news when I see the stories of black men being killed by racist cops, women and children being abducted, women being enslaved and sold for prostitution, innocent people being falsely imprisoned, and civilians being bombed. To me, choking up at appropriate times is authentically endearing and sends a clear message to myself and others that I authentically care deeply about other people. My choking up is proof to me that I'm losing my blind eye to the suffering of others.

Please note that I'm a West Coast American, where emotions are probably a bit more acceptable in public, and strangers still look each other in the eye and smile. I've never been to NYC so I don't know if what I'm saying is encouraged there or not. Forgive me if I'm being naïve about a culture I don't know much about.

But as for me, I'm tired of people who choke up only when they don't get what they want, but who have no trouble talking about the suffering of others.

I'm an older man now so I don't care if women aren't impressed by my brawn. This may be easier for me to say than it is for younger men to follow. And I respect that. Back when I was a young guy working on the factory floor with the old men of John Wayne's era, I really did have more reason to put on a less emotional front. As a retired elder, that's no longer an issue for me. So, yeah. I respect the need to appear unaffected by suffering.

Being RE-sensitized to the suffering of the world around us is how we caring human beings are bringing a theme of healing back into an otherwise increasingly desensitized world.

I'm probably giving the wrong answer for your situation, but speaking only for myself, at my age, and in my West Coast culture, I would rather allow myself to publicly choke up at humanitarian issues of suffering than be seen as being unaffected by them. I bottled my emotions for decades until my stomach started bleeding. Now I prefer to let it all out as needed.

But I agree with many of the other members who've responded.  If you give the same tour all the time, and can pinpoint the words you use that choke you up, perhaps, as others have mentioned, you could find some new words to use as you talk about the emotional parts, or maybe even just say it. "Folks, I have a hard time with this part of the tour, so bear with me..." Then go on.

Perhaps, being a strapping, tall man who isn't ashamed of also being kind and compassionate to the point of choking up, could be an example for others to follow.

Those are just my thoughts.