views from a hill, more recovery notes

[jamesG.1]

So...

leaving C-PTSD behind is a series of loops and curves. Some lead you back, some go to fresh insights but so many just waste time.

Right now I know I'm ready to start living again but have become mired in all the wrong things. Colds, flu, more covid, Christmas, Christmas costs, a dismal wet winter and too much work, I feel close to a new way of life, but miles away at the same time.

I'm certain my C-PtSD is skewing my judgement. Have I made new mistakes? Should I cut and run... but then I realise I'm missing the kindness and warmth I get shown and I have to put down the parachute.

I'm loved, no question... but it feels so alien at times. I lost a happy life to forces outside my control, and in a relatively short space of time. Part of me is still there. The disorientation is immense. I want it to go but if I'm tired, distressed or ill, up it comes.

Too many of us here at home too. Lots of young person drama, too much. I can't distance it from real deep drama. I had so much of that, I see the threats to the future everywhere. It's very tough.

Lack of privacy, quiet, contemplation...

really tough.

Things should improve shortly, but yeah... for now.

Tough.