Dilemma

[natureluvr]

My dilemma is that I cannot share with friends my deep truest authentic self, because that would mean sharing my CPTSD and the abuse/neglect, and what that abuse/neglect has done to me.  This is a big part of me.  When I've started to share this with friends in the past, they either 1) abandon me, or 2) minimize and invalidate me.  So, now I don't share this part of me with other people.  However, I have to hide a big part of myself.  Thankfully, my husband gets it, and knows all about this part of me, and still loves and accepts me. 

What has your experience been of sharing your CPTSD with others? 

[CrackedIce]

Honestly I keep my past pretty close to my chest.  I think most of my friends know that something happened in my past, mostly due to inferring how I never talk about my FOO or childhood.  The few people I've shared any details with often respond with "I thought something was up, just didn't know what".  Even then, I rarely go into any detail and almost never mention C-PTSD.  Not sure why exactly... part of me doesn't want sympathy, part of me thinks the average person won't really 'get it'.

[Armee]

I don't tend to share it. Even just sharing the tiniest sliver feels like I am burdening people too much and am too weird and intense and too much. When someone asks about something and I share an honest but very short answer I feel like I've said too much. (Ex. "Where was your dad?" "Um well he tried to murder my mom when she was pregnant with me so..." "what about your step dad?" "He threw me across the room, so...." So yeah, I just keep it vague when people ask questions. Mom was crazy, never met my dad, had a stepdad for a bit.

Even very close friends I still don't share much because I just feel like I'm too much.

[natureluvr]

Honestly I keep my past pretty close to my chest.  I think most of my friends know that something happened in my past, mostly due to inferring how I never talk about my FOO or childhood. 

I've been doing that 99% of the time over the past several years.  Thank God for forums like this, where we can be open about it.

[natureluvr]

I don't tend to share it. Even just sharing the tiniest sliver feels like I am burdening people too much and am too weird and intense and too much.
........
Even very close friends I still don't share much because I just feel like I'm too much.

Thanks for sharing this.  It helps. 

[rainydiary]

I have found ways to talk about the past without being overly specific because I've also had people react negatively and I had some folks use what I shared against me.  I think the only folks I've told in specifics are other people with trauma histories like here on the forum.

[Kizzie]

I don't share much of my past because I haven't been close enough to many people other than my H and this group to want to take the chance.  I was recently in an inpatient program and even there we didn't do much sharing (I know, kind of strange). rather we focused on skills building like assertiveness, relationship building, mindfulness, CBT. etc.  It was as though we could ignore what got us into a place where depression and anxiety were bad enough to need professional inpatient treatment. 

I may be wrong but it didn't seem like it's a particularly healthy way to deal with things.   

[natureluvr]

I don't share much of my past because I haven't been close enough to many people other than my H and this group to want to take the chance.  I was recently in an inpatient program and even there we didn't do much sharing (I know, kind of strange). rather we focused on skills building like assertiveness, relationship building, mindfulness, CBT. etc.  It was as though we could ignore what got us into a place where depression and anxiety were bad enough to need professional inpatient treatment. 

I may be wrong but it didn't seem like it's a particularly healthy way to deal with things.   

I agree.  I think it would be healthier to be able to share what really happened.

In the past, I've made the mistake of sharing too much with the wrong people, but I've learned to be extremely careful about sharing this stuff. 

What is really helping me, is this idea that we are not disordered, or mentally ill, but are damaged by trauma. 

[Kizzie]

What is really helping me, is this idea that we are not disordered, or mentally ill, but are damaged by trauma.

I wrote an article for the International Society for Studies in Trauma (was Co-Chair of the Complex Trauma Special Interest group for a few years), and this is exactly one of the complaints I made about the diagnosis of Complex PTSD.  We are well and truly NOT disordered, we simply responded to an abnormal situation (abuse/neglect) inflicted on us by others in a way that allowed us to survive.  We all share 6 common symptoms which when you think about confirms that; that is,  we all did what we had to and that our symptoms, because they are common to each of us, were what we needed to do - avoid, mistrust, be on guard constantly, etc.

Anyway naturluvr, hang onto that thought.  It really helped and helps me about why I have these symptoms.  It's not me, it's what happened to me at the hands of others.

[dollyvee]

Hi natureluvr,

I feel a couple different things about this and have had some similar experiences. I often find that sharing things with people is out of their remit and they don't know how to respond because I don't think they've experienced something to the same degree. So, there is an abandoning or lack of engagement which makes me feel abandoned and unsure about sharing.

I recently watched a video by Heidi Priebe about fearful avoidant attachment styles and she broke down the attachment style and what can happen in terms of relationships with it. For me, it was the first time it all kind of came together. I feel like "sharing" in the past had maybe been a form of emotional dumping or searching for a connection with someone who "got it," which is maybe a form of a trauma bond. I put some points in my journal that stood out for me and just copied them here:

- can't connect deeply to other people because they have such intense trauma and secondary coping mechanisms that allowed them to navigate the world that are very different from other people

- feel "othered" so it's very intense when they meet someone and it's like they get you (you feel seen) that it becomes hard to leave that relationship even when it's not working for you

- if you start to develop the language and capacity to understand your own trauma responses in a way that allows you to communicate it to other people without feeling like your soul is bared and completely vulnerable, you can start forming more and more connections with people that don't have the same intense history

- (developing this allows you to) show up as your authentic self (let's go Toxic Shame book) in a way that doesn't overwhelm or scare off other people and you are bridging the gap between containing your experiences and those who have a more traditional upbringing

- the more connections you can form, the more you will feel at home in world so that you're just not vulnerable when you're trauma-bonded with someone

I think sharing might be part containing the experiences in a way that people can understand them, and maybe a more secure way of relating. I also think I've chosen a lot of unavailable people to share with in the past (repetition compulsion) who then did the thing I feared which was not be there for me, abandon me. I think this framing kind of gives me some of my own power back in determining who, what, when is safe to share with someone and that maybe I can be open and not abandoned.

Sending you support,
dolly

[natureluvr]

You said "I feel like "sharing" in the past had maybe been a form of emotional dumping or searching for a connection with someone who "got it," which is maybe a form of a trauma bond".   

I don't see it this way myself.  My understanding of a trauma bond, is a relationship between an abuser and their victim, where there is abuse mixed in with intermittent rewards. That said, I do agree that emotional dumping is toxic.   

"- can't connect deeply to other people because they have such intense trauma and secondary coping mechanisms that allowed them to navigate the world that are very different from other people". 

Yes, this I understand and agree with. 

"- if you start to develop the language and capacity to understand your own trauma responses in a way that allows you to communicate it to other people without feeling like your soul is bared and completely vulnerable, you can start forming more and more connections with people that don't have the same intense history".

Yes, this makes sense.  I like this idea. 

"- (developing this allows you to) show up as your authentic self (let's go Toxic Shame book) in a way that doesn't overwhelm or scare off other people and you are bridging the gap between containing your experiences and those who have a more traditional upbringing".

Yes, this is good.

"I think sharing might be part containing the experiences in a way that people can understand them, and maybe a more secure way of relating. I also think I've chosen a lot of unavailable people to share with in the past (repetition compulsion) who then did the thing I feared which was not be there for me, abandon me. I think this framing kind of gives me some of my own power back in determining who, what, when is safe to share with someone and that maybe I can be open and not abandoned." 

Yes, I've also ended up in relationships with emotionally unavailable people.  I'm being a lot more careful with who I share with. 

Part of my isolation is that fact that I've been physically ill the past several years, and my husband and I are retired, so we just don't have opportunities for being around other people much.  I'm hoping that as I recover from this illness, I'll get out do things more and meet more people.

[Kizzie]

Part of my isolation is that fact that I've been physically ill the past several years, and my husband and I are retired, so we just don't have opportunities for being around other people much.  I'm hoping that as I recover from this illness, I'll get out do things more and meet more people.

I just finished an inpatient program for seniors with depression and anxiety and one of the main reasons for most of us being there was exactly this, illness and retirement mixed tend to = isolation.  I know now just how isolated my H and I are - he had a stroke just after we moved here in Oct 2019 and we didn't meet anyone due to that and COVID.  Then I developed depression and anxiety in 2022 for a variety of reasons and ended up in hospital and then the treatment program.  It opened my eyes to how many seniors are very isolated - a lot.  I know now we need to find new interests and connections which is easier said than done I know, but my H and I are going to do our level best to find some programs/classes now that COVID is not as much a concern.  I don't see anyone I meet as necessarily being someone I can talk to about my CPTSD, just a friend to do things with, chat with as that is missing from my life.

I did find a trauma therapy group for CPTSD (huzzah - I have looked for a F2F one for a while now), but it doesn't start until the fall.  I like the idea of having peers who I can be up front with and not have to guess whether they are safe or able to hear about my background.  I hope to make a friend or two there that I can have coffee or lunch with and we can talk about CPTSD if we so choose.

The above said, I do think there are people who don't have the experience of trauma who can handle hearing about our experiences but It depends what we are asking of them or they think we are asking of them.  I know myself if I think someone is really needy I want to run. It comes from having needy parents and no life of my own for the longest time.  If I gave my N M an inch she would take a mile so I learned to keep her at a distance, low contact. I feel differently with people who tell me about a loss or wound in a grounded way (not sure if this is the best way of describing it), and don't necessarily need anything beyond someone who will genuinely listen.

[natureluvr]

Part of my isolation is that fact that I've been physically ill the past several years, and my husband and I are retired, so we just don't have opportunities for being around other people much.  I'm hoping that as I recover from this illness, I'll get out do things more and meet more people.

I just finished an inpatient program for seniors with depression and anxiety and one of the main reasons for most of us being there was exactly this, illness and retirement mixed tend to = isolation.  I know now just how isolated my H and I are - he had a stroke just after we moved here in Oct 2019 and we didn't meet anyone due to that and COVID.  Then I developed depression and anxiety in 2022 for a variety of reasons and ended up in hospital and then the treatment program.  It opened my eyes to how many seniors are very isolated - a lot.  I know now we need to find new interests and connections which is easier said than done I know, but my H and I are going to do our level best to find some programs/classes now that COVID is not as much a concern.  I don't see anyone I meet as necessarily being someone I can talk to about my CPTSD, just a friend to do things with, chat with as that is missing from my life.

I did find a trauma therapy group for CPTSD (huzzah - I have looked for a F2F one for a while now), but it doesn't start until the fall.  I like the idea of having peers who I can be up front with and not have to guess whether they are safe or able to hear about my background.  I hope to make a friend or two there that I can have coffee or lunch with and we can talk about CPTSD if we so choose.

The above said, I do think there are people who don't have the experience of trauma who can handle hearing about our experiences but It depends what we are asking of them or they think we are asking of them.  I know myself if I think someone is really needy I want to run. It comes from having needy parents and no life of my own for the longest time.  If I gave my N M an inch she would take a mile so I learned to keep her at a distance, low contact. I feel differently with people who tell me about a loss or wound in a grounded way (not sure if this is the best way of describing it), and don't necessarily need anything beyond someone who will genuinely listen.

Thanks for the validation about seniors and isolation.  I believe the COVID lockdown has made isolation much worse.  I'm still struggling with this illness, and I'm recovering, but extremely slowly, and I never know if I will feel good, so it's hard to plan things in advance. 

It's great you found a CPTSD group!   

I understand what you mean, about talking to people about our trauma.  A few years ago, I opened up to a pastor's wife at my church about it, because she was talking about narcissists in her family.  At first she was supportive, but then she invalidated me and blew me off.  Turned out she was a histrionic, so no wonder.  So now, I keep it all very close to the chest IRL.  It's great I can talk about it here.  I try not be too needy with people because yes, they will run.  I've experienced this.   I like your and Dolly's idea of being well grounded when we do share the truth about our trauma.  I've learned to do that.

[dollyvee]

Hi natureluvr,

I just wanted to reiterate that my comments were a reflection of how I interpreted the situation and what it brought up for me right now, and what is helping me understand this dynamic with friends. It wasn't meant as a criticism of what you're going through at this time in case it was interpreted that way.

I think perhaps the way a trauma bond shows up in a friendship is a little bit more subtle than in an abusive relationship. The article below has some good points, but to me, it's a the consistent not showing up for you, and/or ignoring your needs when they are voiced etc. even though there is a veneer of "friendship." Kind of like the people who want to be around for the good times only. I've known a lot of those friends and it has been difficult now to trust and build new friendships as an adult now.

https://www.soberish.co/trauma-bonding-friendship/

Please take what resonates with you and leave what doesn't. Sending you support,
dolly

[natureluvr]

Hi natureluvr,

I just wanted to reiterate that my comments were a reflection of how I interpreted the situation and what it brought up for me right now, and what is helping me understand this dynamic with friends. It wasn't meant as a criticism of what you're going through at this time in case it was interpreted that way.

I think perhaps the way a trauma bond shows up in a friendship is a little bit more subtle than in an abusive relationship. The article below has some good points, but to me, it's a the consistent not showing up for you, and/or ignoring your needs when they are voiced etc. even though there is a veneer of "friendship." Kind of like the people who want to be around for the good times only. I've known a lot of those friends and it has been difficult now to trust and build new friendships as an adult now.

https://www.soberish.co/trauma-bonding-friendship/

Please take what resonates with you and leave what doesn't. Sending you support,
dolly

No worries, I didn't take it as criticism.  I think I didn't fully understand what you were saying about trauma bonding in friendships.

Thanks for the article you linked to.  I have read it, and it is one of the best articles I've read about toxic friendships.  I've definitely had my fair share of those.  I'm hoping that as I recover from CPTSD, I will not keep doing the repetition compulsion thing with friends.  I had a string of friendships such as those described int his article over the past 5 years, and I let them all go.  The only friends I have now are internet friends, and my husband, and a couple of friends at church. I've come to realize, by reading Pete Walker's book on CPTSD that I'm a fawn/freeze type, so I was easy to take advantage of.  I'm working on being a lot more careful who I allow to be my friend, and also be more assertive, and less approval seeking. 

Thanks for sharing this article, and thank you for your input.  It is much appreciated.