Natureluvr's Recovery Journal

[natureluvr]

Natureluvr, I read your journal. I feel sad. I wish you warm comfort in your grief.

Thank you.  This makes me feel cared for and understood. 

[Papa Coco]

Natureluvr,

This last post has its own true beauty in it. You say that getting off the meds is allowing you to process the emotions of abandonment and neglect. That's great. Getting off the meds allows the pain, but the pain allows the healing. What you're going through now is what I've always called a sense of loneliness in a crowded world.  You wrote it beautifully, and it tugs at my heartstrings to read it.

I'm so glad you found this forum when you did, so that as you process these feelings of abandonment and neglect and loneliness that we, your friends on the forum, can feel it with you and extend our virtual arms out to you and hopefully begin to help fill the emptiness left by your childhood.

I'm certainly no stranger to these same feelings, which allows myself and many others here on the forum to experience empathy with you. And I truly believe that empathy is the strongest healing power known to mankind. We're stronger together.

I hope you can feel this hug, even if just a little bit. It comes with heartfelt compassion and empathy for you and for all of us in this boat with you.

[natureluvr]

Papa Coco your post literally made me cry.  I felt so touched.  I'm sorry it took me so long to respond.  I've just been in such an emotional place in the past couple of years, so I need to pace myself.

In the past, whenever I finally got up the nerve to share the truth of my past with people, I was invalidated or discounted, or else lectured at to "forgive and let it go".  I wonder if this subject will always be taboo.  I sure hope not. 

It feels wonderful to have the empathy and understanding, so thank you!   

[natureluvr]

Just want to update everyone.  Doing this deep dive emotional recovery work is well worth it!

I noticed that I have become much more assertive.  The other day, at my church's quilting group, a woman in there gave me a little flak because I opened a window, and I stood up to her without being combative or reactive. 

Another thing I noticed is that I'm not getting triggered as easily!  WooHoo, this is big for me!!!     I used to be super easily triggered when my husband got even slightly angry with me, and now I just take it in stride.  I can either let it go, or say something to him calmly and casually. 

I'm very deeply grateful for all of this.

[Blueberry]

 

Sounds like tons of progress! And thanks for the update. It's good to hear when mbrs are making big steps in recovery.

[Armee]

That's fantastic! Thanks so much for the update. It's really nice to hear. 

[Papa Coco]

So glad to hear this.

I can feel a sense of joy in your post. Congratulations!

[natureluvr]

Thank so much everyone for your support!  I love how the people here just support each other, and hold space for each other's emotions and experiences. 

I had an experience with a new friend, and need to get a little feedback on it. 

I'll call her N.  Her husband was a baptist pastor, and she is very religious.  I got hurt and triggered because my son did not acknowledge my birthday a few days ago.  When I shared this with my friend, and that I was hurt by this, I broke down in tears.  Her response was to tell me that I had expectations, and that I should let go of these expectations for him to call me on my birthday.  Then, she proceeded to give me a long speech on thankfulness, and about how important it is to see all the blessings God has given us, and focus on those, and not focus on the negative things in our lives.  Then, the next day, she messaged me a passage from one of her devotionals that also preached about thankfulness.  This passage actually said to thank God for our problems.  I very much disagree with that notion, of thanking God for our problems.  I will never be thankful that my mother severely abused and neglected me.  When I told her I disagreed with thanking God for our problems, she gave me a long message with all the Bible passages that talked about how we should be thankful.  At that point, I set a boundary.  I asked her to stop preaching to me about being thankful.  I told her that I felt uncomfortable with the fact that she kept talking to me so much about being thankful, and asked her to please stop preaching to me.  I told her that when she preached at me, it set up a one up one down type of friendship, and I wanted an equal friendship with her.  Her response was somewhat mixed.  She apologized, but there was some defensiveness in there as well.  I just said I hoped we could still be friends, and just talk to each other and pray for each other. 

I think I got triggered by her preached at me.  My mother was an extremely self righteous narcissist, and would lecture at me and preach at me non stop, about everything, in addition to other abuse. 

I also think that even I didn't have CPTSD and an abuse history, this type of thing would be toxic.  Why do people assume that just because I got hurt by something, that means that I'm not grateful, and they have to try to fix me and change me by telling me to be more grateful? 

Has anyone else had similar experience to this?  I would love to have some ideas on what you think was going on here.  It feels toxic and unhealthy to me.

[Armee]

Hey I'm so sorry that your son forgot or failed to call you on your birthday. Ouch, even if it was unintentional. That's a really important relationship. I hope he does better next year. 

I have experienced this but I am not religious so I can't speak to what it is like for people for whom religion brings comfort. From my non-religious perspective it lacks any empathy and validation which is what I think (??) we all need and want when we feel hurt? Add on the triggering too and yes it makes sense to feel hurt or at least unheard and unsupported. Depending on how you feel I think it's OK to tell her ahead of time what kind of support you are looking for when you bring things to her as a friend, it might need a refresher each time.

[natureluvr]

Hey I'm so sorry that your son forgot or failed to call you on your birthday. Ouch, even if it was unintentional. That's a really important relationship. I hope he does better next year. 

I have experienced this but I am not religious so I can't speak to what it is like for people for whom religion brings comfort. From my non-religious perspective it lacks any empathy and validation which is what I think (??) we all need and want when we feel hurt? Add on the triggering too and yes it makes sense to feel hurt or at least unheard and unsupported. Depending on how you feel I think it's OK to tell her ahead of time what kind of support you are looking for when you bring things to her as a friend, it might need a refresher each time.

Thank you for understanding my hurt of my son not calling me.

You are right - her response lacked empathy and validation.  Even the Bible, which she strongly believes in, says to grieve with those who grieve, and rejoice with those who rejoice, which to me sounds like empathy. 

In my opinion, telling someone who is in pain that they should be thankful is a way of telling them they should not feel the way they feel.  To me, that feels like they are telling me that I'm not OK, because my feelings are not OK.  So, that to me is a shaming message.  That is not acceptable to me. 

I'm very glad I was able to stand up to her, and ask her to stop telling me to be thankful, and stop preaching at me.  I am disappointed that I cannot be my authentic self with her, but I'm very glad I was able to be assertive with her.  That way, I won't have the resentment.   

[natureluvr]

Feeling triggered today.  I was a very loving mother, and never abused or neglected my sons.  I showered them with attention and affection.  They are now 20 and 28.  Yet, neither one of them acknowledged my birthday (May 9) or Mother's Day.  This is triggering my abandonment issues. 

[Armee]

I'm sorry, naturlover. That must feel so crappy.  Do you think a gentle reminder about how it feels would help them be kinder in the future, or no?  I don't know why boys sometimes fail to understand this stuff....or why emotional labor falls more to the female gender. I see the difference so clearly with my son and daughter.

[natureluvr]

Armee, thank you for your kind post.  Yes, the emotional stuff does seem to fall to females. 

I have a positive update!  My husband called him about an hour ago, and left a message, and my older son called right back and wished me a happy Mother's Day, we talked for a while, then he apologized for not calling on my birthday.  It was because the day before my birthday, he had to fly to Washington DC and back.  He left the house at 7 AM, and didn't get back home that night until 12:30 AM.  Then, he had to get up at 5 AM and go to work that day.  He was extremely exhausted that day.  So, I feel much better. 

My younger son is 20 and still in college, and last week was final's week, so I understand why he didn't. 

I know most of the pain I had from this was old pain from having been severely neglected as a baby and child.  It was a reminder of that. 

[Moondance]

Hi Natureluvr,   

I'm all caught up with  your journal.  I am so glad your here but at the same time saddened that you are here because of the neglect and abuse you have endured.

Your very first journal post is awesome.  I so admire that you were able to ask/set boundaries for what you need/want and what you clearly do not want.  As a matter of fact when I met with my T Friday past I mentioned this to her and how much it affected me.   I hope to be able to do the same in my journal - thank you for that.

There are many parts to your story that resonates with me.  I'm so saddened by the neglect and abuse your M put you through.  Sorry Natureluvr 😞

I wish I knew how to insert a quote but so far I'm only able to cope and paste...

Quote

I noticed that I have become much more assertive.  The other day, at my church's quilting group, a woman in there gave me a little flak because I opened a window, and I stood up to her without being combative or reactive.

Once again I appreciate you sharing your growth.  Congrats on standing up for yourself and for recognizing it and as you mentioned, without being  combative or reactive. Well done!

One of your most recent posts about being preached at shows me that there is hope.  I find this situation extremely difficult and triggering as well.  I simply avoid it yet - my reactions are not yet under control.  I have experienced this numerous times and felt so beaten down that I haven't gone back to church.  I get to triggered and dissociate.
Someday, hopefully, I will be able to stand up for myself.  Your experience and how you handled it is empowering.  You must have felt empowered.  Good for you Natureluvr.  All the work and healing you have done is showing wonderful results.

I wonder if when these people react this way it may also be because that is how others have reacted to them?  Perhaps their feelings/experiences have not been acknowledged? Not sure but that just occurred to me as I read your post.  And that is not to excuse how she responded to you.  I sense it was dismissive of your feelings, your experience, what you were sharing with her.    You felt hurt and abandoned.  You showed her your vulnerability and her response denies, invalidate what you were sharing with her.  I'm sorry she reacted to you this way.  I wished she could have acknowledged you, your feelings, your experience in that moment.

I hear you Natureluvr and stand with you.

[natureluvr]

Hi Natureluvr,   

I'm all caught up with  your journal.  I am so glad your here but at the same time saddened that you are here because of the neglect and abuse you have endured.

Your very first journal post is awesome.  I so admire that you were able to ask/set boundaries for what you need/want and what you clearly do not want.  As a matter of fact when I met with my T Friday past I mentioned this to her and how much it affected me.   I hope to be able to do the same in my journal - thank you for that.

There are many parts to your story that resonates with me.  I'm so saddened by the neglect and abuse your M put you through.  Sorry Natureluvr 😞

I wish I knew how to insert a quote but so far I'm only able to cope and paste...

Quote

I noticed that I have become much more assertive.  The other day, at my church's quilting group, a woman in there gave me a little flak because I opened a window, and I stood up to her without being combative or reactive.

Once again I appreciate you sharing your growth.  Congrats on standing up for yourself and for recognizing it and as you mentioned, without being  combative or reactive. Well done!

One of your most recent posts about being preached at shows me that there is hope.  I find this situation extremely difficult and triggering as well.  I simply avoid it yet - my reactions are not yet under control.  I have experienced this numerous times and felt so beaten down that I haven't gone back to church.  I get to triggered and dissociate.
Someday, hopefully, I will be able to stand up for myself.  Your experience and how you handled it is empowering.  You must have felt empowered.  Good for you Natureluvr.  All the work and healing you have done is showing wonderful results.

I wonder if when these people react this way it may also be because that is how others have reacted to them?  Perhaps their feelings/experiences have not been acknowledged? Not sure but that just occurred to me as I read your post.  And that is not to excuse how she responded to you.  I sense it was dismissive of your feelings, your experience, what you were sharing with her.    You felt hurt and abandoned.  You showed her your vulnerability and her response denies, invalidate what you were sharing with her.  I'm sorry she reacted to you this way.  I wished she could have acknowledged you, your feelings, your experience in that moment.

I hear you Natureluvr and stand with you.

Moondance, I appreciate that you took the time to read my journal.  Your empathy is very much appreciated as well.

I get triggered by people preaching at me, for sure. ( My narc M constantly preached at me in a very self righteous and condemning way as a teen and young woman when I was a still living with my parents, until age 23.  I believe my narc M was transferring her shame and guilt onto me by her constant preaching at me. I was basically a receptacle for the negative feelings for my family of origin)  I'm glad my sharing my experience gave you hope!  I was able to stand up to my friend more easily because I did so using Facebook messenger.  She had been preaching at me about thankfulness for 2 days, on the phone the first day, then through messenger the second day.  I suspect this friend may be using her religion to avoid her own feelings, and possibly got triggered when I shared my sadness with her.  Yes, I did feel empowered.  Yes, her preaching at me felt dismissive and invalidating.  Your understanding of this situation and how I felt feels very validating to me right now, and I thank you for that.  It means a lot to me!  You have blessed me today, moondance.