Natureluvr's Recovery Journal

[Moondance]

And you have blessed me in turn!

Thank you Natureluvr 

[natureluvr]

You're welcome, moondance!   

I just read this article, posted elsewhere by Kizzie on this site: https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/10/gaslighting-survivors-of-narcissists-and-narcissistic-abuse

OMG!  I can't believe how validating this article is!!!  No wonder I have had an extremely difficult time recovering from this CPTSD, up until the past year or two!  I have been to many therapists in the past, who were not trauma informed.  I have spent many years in 12 step groups, where I was repeatedly shamed and judged.  I was told let it go, oh, you haven't forgiven that yet?, they did the best they could with what they had, why do you still have that resentment? , and on and on and on.  I've been told (falsely) that my mother did the best she could with what she had.  I don't believe that lie for minute.  She was sadistic, and enjoyed abusing me.  I saw the sick smile on her face while she was humiliating and abusing me. 

In short, I've had many people judge me and talk to me in a condescending way because of my difficulties.  Now, I keep this things very close to the chest.

At any rate, thank you so much.  I saw the link to this article in blueberry's journal, read the article, and am very thankful I happened upon it.  Even the experience with my friend recently - exhorting me to be thankful for the good things in my life, and look away from the bad stuff, felt gaslighty and invalidating.  Her advice would probably be good for someone who just is going through minor and common life difficulties, but not for a CPTSD survivor. 

I feel like my CPTSD sets me apart, and makes it hard for me to relate to people, and for others to relate to me.  That makes me sad.  I'm glad that this forum is here, it really helps me feel less alone.   

[natureluvr]

I am wanted to get more involved in this forum, and read others' journals, and offer support. 

I don't want to just come here and take, and not give support.

I'm feeling uncertain, and anxious, because I'm not sure exactly how to give support just yet.  My heart hurts when I read about the struggles others on here are facing.  And, I have some brain damage from some prescription drugs I took, so oftentimes I struggle with comprehension issues when I read the journal entries.  I'm worried that I'm going to misinterpret what someone says, and say the wrong thing.  I also have a poor memory, so I may not remember the journal entries I read from day to day, and remember others' history. 

I'm also worried about writing details in my own journal, and getting judged, or else triggering someone else.  Being judged and looked down on has happened to me so much from other people in school, and just in life and general.  I'm also concerned about getting triggered by reading other's journals myself. 

Because I recently got off prescription drugs that numbed my emotions, grief and sadness and hurt is coming up to the surface.  Some days, I express it through tears, and this really helps me to feel cleansed, and purge myself of it.  Sometimes, I just don't have words to say, all I have is tears.  I suspect this is because I was severely neglected as an infant, when I was preverbal. 

The crying face emoticon is not working.   

[Blueberry]

I am wanted to get more involved in this forum, and read others' journals, and offer support. 

I don't want to just come here and take, and not give support.

Today's a public holiday and I just came home from the inpatient place to deal with a few things at home. Checked OOTS, saw your post, want to respond.

I hear you. But I also want to say, it is fine to... Oops I read "I am wanted to..." as 'I don't want to'. Brain is a bit mushy. So that alters what I'm going to write a bit.

I would say - don't worry e.g. about remembering others' stories. Sometimes I remember others' stories because it really resonates with me or something.

The main purpose of this forum is your own healing so it's perfectly OK not to read everybody's Journal. Atm a lot of mbrs are writing journals and a lot are writing very long posts. It hasn't always been that way. There are other posts on this forum you can respond to or even write on which might do others good to read. You can give that way too e.g. by writing on Three Good Things a Day https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15030.msg130860#new  or Successes/Progress https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=51.0

I understand about being triggered by reading other peoples' Journals. It is in fact a potential problem which I wrote about from here on down in this thread: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15081.msg129292#msg129292

I am responding to your journal rn but generally I won't be reading any OOTS journals while I'm inpatient because we're discouraged from that. Do what feels good for you! It's OK to put just an emoticon in as a response to someone else, it doesn't have to be a bunch of paragraphs

There was something else I wanted to add but my brain has zonked out, so that's it. 

[Papa Coco]

Hey Naturluvr,

Once again, you've touched my heart. I resonate with your desires to respond more, and I resonate with your fears of making mistakes that might hurt someone's feelings or trigger someone else's pain. I have days where I'm clearheaded and focused, and then I have days, or weeks at a time, when I'm confused, unable to comprehend what I'm reading, or what I'm writing. It's a CPTSD thing. And I know it well. So, you've touched my heart with your admission that you're struggling with it also.

I understand your fears of misinterpreting someone and making a response that doesn't fit. I have that same fear all the time. In a few cases I've done just that and I've felt terrible for it afterward, but I'm always forgiven, just as I forgive anyone who accidentally misreads one of my posts. On this forum, it's common to find that many of us are afraid of being judged, and afraid of being misunderstood, and afraid of hurting anyone else's feelings or putting them into flashback mode. It's trauma. We are afraid of being judged and blamed for other people's misery because that's how our narcissistic parents and teachers and preachers and siblings and x-spouses bullied us for so long.

Many times, my therapist and I have had to address the heavy weight on my shoulders as I feel so responsible for the happiness of everyone in the world. I've been blamed for other people's misery so many times I sometimes feel like I should shut up and never speak again.  For 50 years, my dad did to me. Mom did it to me. Two of my 4 siblings did it to me. But now I can see that they were all narcissists. All selfish. All bullies. I was an easy target because I never wanted to hurt anyone, ever.

What I do when I want to respond, but I can't find words that I feel safe to give, I sometimes just send a hug emoji. I do that because when forum members do that for me, it feels good. I know they don't have words for me, but they took the time to just send a hug, and that makes me feel less alone.

One of my lifelong heroes has been pianist and comedian, Victor Borga. As a very young boy I wanted to play piano, and I wanted to be a comedian. I wasn't allowed to be either, but he was both. So, I've been a fan of his for my whole life. He had a way of making the audience feel like he really liked us. He used to say, "The shortest distance between two people is a smile."  We can't see each other's smiles on this forum, but we can send smile emojis. There's power in that. There's connection in that. And loving connection is the best feeling in the world for me. I feel the smile behind the emojis. So, any time you want to express that you are touched by someone's post, but you don't know what to say, a hug emoji is a way to connect.

[Moondance]

  to you if okay, if not please disregard.

I feel the same - I worry and doubt my responses as well.  Heck, I am even doubting
Posting in my journal. 

I simply wanted to acknowledge you in that you are very compassionate and  supportive and that for me that shines thru in your responses.

[natureluvr]

Blueberry, thank you very much for your suggestions, and your reassurance.  It really helps.  N mom constantly bombarded me with accusations of being selfish, and now I know it was a total projection on her part.  (She was the selfish one). I guess I sometimes worry about being selfish, or coming across that way. 

[natureluvr]

Every time I read all your responses to my posts, I break down in tears.  But, I think they are good tears.  Not that there are bad tears, mind you.  I'm so not used to being able to express my authentic self, and have other people respond in such a positive and supportive fashion.  I"m so used to having to hide this part of myself to people out there in the world. (I had tried revealing this side to people in the past, and almost always gotten judged and rejected for it).

Papa Coco, thank you for saying that you resonate with what I said. It makes me feel less alone, it truly does.  Also, thanks for saying that it is part of trauma to be afraid of being judged.  When I was in 12 step program, I was berated for this, and told I was being codependent. I very much hear you on being blamed for other people's unhappiness. I was the scapegoat to an extremely unhappy malignant narc mother.  Your support to me on this forum has been invaluable, and I'm deeply grateful for it. 

[natureluvr]

Moondance, thank you very much for letting me know you see me as compassionate and supportive.  Your hugs are more than welcome!  Thank you. 
My compassion is rooted in the fact that I know how much it hurts to go through what we went through.  Hugs back, moondance. 

[Moondance]

 

[sanmagic7]

natureluvr, i've been to a lot of 12-step meetings, had a husband who was an ardent member, and i know all those platitudes you're talking about.  i finally told my hub that 12 steps are for addiction, can be very good for that, but i'm dealing w/ trauma, and that's a whole 'nother beast.  those 'words of wisdom' just don't go far enough, don't hit right.

sharing this w/ others hasn't worked well for me, either.  i'm grateful for this forum in more ways than i can list.  the best people i've never met.  i'm glad you're here.  i, too, have that pull to respond to others' journals but have learned that there are times it's not in my best interest.  you're being here is all about you.  do what you want when you want.  it's self-ish, rather than selfish.  being there for your 'self', especially in times of need.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  love and hugs (if that's ok)   

[Armee]

 

[natureluvr]

Sanmagic said i'm glad you're here. . 

Thank you, San.  These words are music to my ears.  And, thank you for the validation that the 12 steps aren't for you either.  Love and hugs are always welcome.  And, thanks for giving me permission to be self-ish. 

[natureluvr]

Armee, thanks for the hugs!  I can feel the support behind them. 

[natureluvr]

Feeling very exhausted today,and depressed, and just feel like giving up.  College son is home, being testy, and this is creating disagreements between my husband and myself (He and I both have a LOT of baggage, and at times we trigger each other).  Haven't sleep well the past 2 nights.  I'm sick to death of CPTSD.  I wish I could just go to sleep for 6 months, and forget about it all.