Natureluvr's Recovery Journal

[Armee]

Going to sleep for 6 months sounds lovely. 

I hope the triggering settles soon.

[Moondance]

Yep sleeping sounds like really good to me too and I feel the same about CPTSD - sick to death of it as well.

I hope you can give yourself self care whatever that is for you.

  

[natureluvr]

Thank you, Moondance and Armee.  It's good to have your support. 

I'm also feeling depressed, because whenever one of our sons is with us, my husband becomes nervous and uptight, and he pulls away from me.  I think this is making me feel lonely, and probably triggering my abandonment.  I felt very depressed this morning while he and I were at the farmer's market.  He mentioned it, and I briefly told him why I felt depressed.  I felt a little less depressed after we spoke.  I'm sure the sleep issues and exhaustion are feeding the depression.  Thankfully I was able to take a nap this afternoon.  My sleep is messed up from some drugs I was on, and then the hypervigilance from the CPTSD doesn't help, either.

[natureluvr]

I'm feeling sad today.  My college age younger son is home with us for the summer, and I had hopes that it would be a positive thing.  I love him very much, and was happy I'd get to see him a lot this summer.

A lot of the times when I try to talk to him, I can tell he doesn't want to talk to me.  I realize that this is common for a 20 year old, but at the same time, it hurts me, and sometimes triggers me.  At times, he is critical, and this triggers me sometimes, especially when it is unfair criticism, or I'm especially tired that day. 

Then, he got very sick, and ended up being hospitalized for pneumonia, and tonsillitis.  He is home now, and doing much better, but going through all that was very stressful for all of us. 

I'm feeling sad and grieving that we don't have a better family life.  I worked hard at being very nurturing and loving to both of my children throughout their lives.  It makes me feel like somehow I am inadequate, and that my ability to have a close and loving relationship with people is lacking.  My husband thinks my standards and expectations are too high.  Perhaps they are. 

[rainydiary]

I hope that you and your son find ways to connect while he is home.  I am sorry that he was sick and am
glad he is on the mend. 

[sanmagic7]

NL, i relate to having family problems, doing all i could, and things still didn't turn out the way i thought they might.  it just sucks, and i'm sorry you're experiencing this.  i hope you can somehow get a better connection w/ your son, and i'm glad he's on the path to recovery.  keep taking care of you, ok?  i know it can be rough, especially when we're depressed, but do the best you can.  each effort helps.  may i send love and hugs your way?

[natureluvr]

Rainydiary said "I hope that you and your son find ways to connect while he is home." Thankfully, he is doing much better.  He is much less testy, and he and I have been getting along well.  He is quiet, but sometimes he and I have conversations. 

I had gone no contact with everyone in my FOO.  Unfortunately, my 3 siblings were brainwashed by narcmom to also scapegoat me.  I re-established contact with my oldest sister earlier in the year, and it has been going pretty well.  I did this because in the past 10 years, I had seen a major change in her for the better.  Anyway, the conversation with her went well.  We didn't go into anything deep or personal, we just talked about our kids and husbands, and what we were doing.  However, it still brought up some emotions I have towards my FOO, and I ended up talking about it with my husband today. I'm feeling some depression, and struggling with the feeling of shame. I know the shame is not logical, because I was targeted by not just the immediate family, but to a certain degree, even by some cousins, and aunts.  I'm still working to overcome that feeling of inner shame.  I have to keep reminding myself, that none of this is my fault, and I'm a child of God, and I'm not defined by the way these people saw me, which was very twisted and distorted.  I'm just worn out right now. 

[Moondance]

  Natureluvr,

I can so relate to your post.  I'm also no contact with most of FOO.  I occasionally speak with a cousin but I've even limited that.

So glad for you that your son is doing better.  A relief for you.


I stand with you Natureluvr.

 

[natureluvr]

Moondance, your response brought tears to my eyes, because I was very touched by your warmth and empathy.  Thank you for this. 

 

[sanmagic7]

NL, if i may, i think that shame you feel actually belongs to the people who have hurt you.  it's shameful they treated you like they did.  it's not on you.  shame on them. 

i'm glad you and your son are doing better together, and that some of his surliness went away.  maybe it was cuz he was getting sick and didn't know it?  anyway, i hope the rest of the summer goes well for the both of you.  love and hugs

[natureluvr]

NL, if i may, i think that shame you feel actually belongs to the people who have hurt you.  it's shameful they treated you like they did.  it's not on you.  shame on them. 

I think you are absolutely right!  Yes, they are the ones with the problem.  I was always told as a kid, and even into adulthood, "there is something wrong with you".  So I grew up with a feeling of being flawed and defective.  However, my mom was telling me a lie, and I believe she was projecting her bad feelings about herself onto me.  I refuse to allow her to transfer her shame onto me anymore.  Thankfully, I don't feel shame today. 

Thanks Sanmagic, for your support.  It means a lot to me. 

[natureluvr]

So I asked an acquaintance to go on a walk with me, to see if she would be a good friend.  I knew this lady, I'll call her D, from about 20 years ago, when our sons went to school together.  Some things she said and did made me uneasy, but I don't know if it's my trauma brain, or if these are genuine red flags.  I could use some feedback.

1. She went right in to talking about very personal issues of her own.  I ended up sharing some of my own personal stuff.  I don't know if I overshared, but at least I didn't reveal my vulnerable inner child to her. 
2. She asked me a lot of questions about my own personal life.  For example, she asked me if my parents were still alive, I said yes, my mom was alive and in assisted living, then she asked if my mom and dad stayed married or split up.  I told her my mom kicked my dad out because he was disabled, which is true.  She asked about my sisters, where they lives, etc.  Lots of questions. 
3. I told her how a pastor of a church was cold and dismissive with me, she asked me if I had confronted him on his coldness and dismissiveness.
4. I shared with her how my mom and sisters disowned me when I got married because we didn't do the wedding how my mom wanted it.  She acted extremely shocked, but didn't really give any emotional support. 
5. When I said I had a poor memory she said "Don't say that.  If you keep telling yourself that, it will cause what you say come to pass".  I told her I didn't fully agree with that.
6. When we were leaving I said "Wow, it's humid".  She said "I tend not to complain about the weather.  We have air conditioning, and some people don't have air conditioning".  I wondered if she was criticizing me in a covert way for complaining? 

I would like to hear what you all thing of these things.  Are these red flags, or am I being too sensitive? 

My thought on this now, is that I could proceed with caution.  Maybe go out with her on occasion, but don't try to be her best friend. 

[sanmagic7]

there are red flags for me, NL. maybe these kinds of things are ok on an occasional 'walk'.  no judgment there.  i think, if you're asking, your gut is already telling you something, and in my experience, my gut has never told me i'm too sensitive.  other people have, but never my gut. love and hugs

[Armee]

I love what San said. 

The first few items on your list made me think she just also wants a close friend to share the hard stuff with. But the last few made me feel like she is a type that will want to correct and fix you. But I think also those are very easy mistakes to make just us being imperfect humans all of us. Her included. For me the real test is if you explain to someone how something they've said made you feel and if they then criticize THAT too, or if they apologize and try to do differently.

But San is absolutely right, the gut actually never lies. So listen to what that is telling you. It doesn't necessarily mean there's no hope for the relationship but it is telling you there's something that crossed your boundaries or made you feel bad or unsafe. That's important to listen to and respect. You have choices for what you do with that information, and your gut will probably weigh in on that, too.

[natureluvr]

Thank you, Armee, and San, for your feedback.  I've done a little reading about toxic friendships, and I've sat with my feelings, discussed this with my husband.  I've decided not to continue to hang out with this person D.  The clincher for me, was that for a day and a half after I was with her, I felt drained, and anxious.  Being with her brought me down, for sure.   I also felt somewhat triggered by the very heavy and personal things she shared with me.  This is not a good sign at all.  I realized that when I shared, I got a very minimal response, which is another red flag.  And, when she was sharing, it was dumping.  She spent about 20 minutes talking about the problems in her life, not giving me any space to respond to her. These are all big red flags. 

I'm disappointed.  But, I'm also very grateful that I have the skills and knowledge to avoid yet another toxic friendship from developing.